((Chapter heading is a line from See Me in Shadow by Delain)
9. Standing by the Ruins of Your Soul
Normally, Cat lingered when she visited the Railroad Headquarters. This time, she was anxious to leave. Deacon stayed behind to keep an eye on the three young men that had been added to the underground movement.
Even though their reunion had been friendly enough, their walk to Diamond City was a quiet one. 'Cat, can we talk, please,' he ventured when they were still out in the Fens. 'I'm scared here.'
Nick could see emotions chasing each other on her face. There was lingering anger and disappointment, pain, and fear. But the one that settled in was tender, a gentle smile, though not a happy one. 'No need for that, Nick. I had a lot of time to think, and I needed that.' She took his hand in hers, ignoring the coldness of it, and interlinked their fingers. 'We'll talk in my home.'
They couldn't get there soon enough for Nick's taste. The door had barely closed behind them when he pulled her close, holding her, feeling her relax against him, and relishing every moment of it. Finally, he let go and looked down at her. 'Can I try to explain? It's not an excuse, but …' Cat nodded. Nick took a seat and sighed. 'Since I first saw you, you never treated me like a machine. And whenever I said I was one, you made a point of telling me … shouting even, that I am more than that.'
She threw her hands in the air. 'Yes, because you are!' She balled her fists. 'I know. I watched you, you know, I saw that I'd hurt you and I prattled on. I should have said … procedure, anything, but not upgrading. That's just not the way you talk about a person.'
'Doesn't make what I said less bad.'
'No.' She shook her head. 'Can we just … I don't want to lose you over this.'
Nick rose and knelt next to Cat's chair. 'Me neither.' He leaned in, pressing his lips to hers. 'I want you to know that I don't feel molested. I want to do things to you my body hasn't been equipped for. I can feel all of the arousal but no release.' He lowered his voice. 'Come to think of it, that was starting to get to me. I never thought I'd find love. Not being what I am. But now I have found it, I want it all. That aside, what passes for skin on me isn't as firm as it used to be. Material's breaking down after a couple of centuries it seems. I'll go and see Amari. Any preference regarding visual components?'
'Excuse me?'
He grinned. 'Well, if you want certain facial properties, now's the time to tell me.'
Cat shook her head. 'God, Nick. I fell in love with this face, so it will be tough to adjust to another, no matter what it looks like. Not to mention your voice … I'll miss your voice. But in the end, it doesn't matter. All I want is that you're happy. And safe. Safe would be great. But right now … right now I need you capable, Nick, and the change will leave you very vulnerable.'
The fear that he'd noticed on the way to Diamond City was still there, and he realised something else must be very wrong, too. 'What happened, Cat?'
'Aside from almost losing a friend and my partner within a couple of days?'
'Deacon?'
'No. Danse.' Her expression turned to repulsion. 'I told Ingram about their fucking bombs, went to the fucking Prydwen, and was told by that utter whoreson that I … I, Nick, was to hunt down and murder Danse.'
Nick blinked and returned to his chair, sitting across from Cat. He took her hands in his, glad that despite his state she took comfort in the gesture. He'd feel lost if he couldn't even provide that. 'Why would they want that?'
'He's a synth, Nick.'
He let that sink in for a moment. 'While I appreciate the irony of that bit of information, I don't envy him for the emotional rollercoaster. The end of the tale is clear, he was very alive when we met up. I'd be interested in what happened between.'
'I agreed to find him. And luckily, he has a friend who warned him.'
'That's why he fled from Sanctuary.'
'Yeah. When I did find him … he'd made up his mind that he deserved to die. He hated himself, I think a part of him still does. He knelt with his hands behind his back and wanted me to execute him, wouldn't listen to reason … not at first. I talked to him like to a sick child and finally, finally he looked up at me and I saw a flicker of hope. Hope that he wasn't unworthy of life, that he wasn't an evil machine.' Cat's lower lip trembled and Nick shifted his chair closer so she could settle her head against his shoulder. 'I wanted to take him home, Nick, but out there was Maxson. Telling me he'd expected me to fail … I don't know how I did it, but I managed to persuade him to let him go.'
'Lawyer peeking out.'
Cat swatted at Nick's arm and grinned. 'Perhaps a little … God, Nick, if he'd killed him … Anyway, he told me to return and be promoted. He said to him, Danse is dead and I'm to take his place. I could vomit.'
'Did you go?'
'You kidding? I'll never talk to him again.' She swallowed. 'It's happened, hasn't it? I can no longer keep doing this. I've still stuff to do with the Institute, but them? No. It's coming, the moment I have to pick a side.'
'You have already, Cat, a long time ago.'
'I know. But there are people I don't want to have to fight. In the Institute as well as on the Prydwen. They're not all of them shit.'
Nick leaned forwards and kissed her softly. 'I told you once, I'll be there all the way.'
'Yeah. Which is why … I'm sorry, but you've got to wait if you really want to do that.'
He nodded. 'Naturally.'
