The Words I Couldn't Say
The weekend was over as fast as it started.
Everyone said their goodbyes until next time and Naruto and Hinata was back home.
It's been nearly a month into their so-called "contract." At this point, Hinata didn't know how to feel anymore...she just couldn't understand Naruto's wishy-washy actions and words. One moment he acts like he seems to be returning her feelings, but then the next moment, he's back to being cold and giving vague responses.
He kissed her. He told her to stay. The way he held her and was protective over her like she was someone so precious to him made her heart ache both in joy and in pain.
Then he says he doesn't know if he wants her to stay. He said it'd be better to forget he even kissed her.
So what was she supposed to do in the end? She will still try her best in the remaining time that she had left, but if Naruto couldn't decide what to do in the end...she'll probably make the decision to leave.
Because in the end, if he can't come to a final decision, then that would already imply that she didn't do enough to heal him.
There would be no more reason to continue staying with him if he didn't accept her in the end.
She wondered now, if she would be as broken as he is, if he didn't want her to stay with him. Would she be so empty that she wouldn't even want to smile or talk to people, or even feel anymore? If he let her go in the end...would she know exactly the pain he was going through right now?
She shook her head and cleared her thoughts as she drove up to Naruto's driveway. It was already 8AM in the morning, and since Naruto isn't working for the time being, he should be up watching TV or reading the newspaper.
Grabbing her purse, she stepped out the car and walked to the door. She narrowed her eyes when she grabbed the door knob...it wasn't locked. 'Why would it be unlocked so early in the morning? Did he forget to lock it last night?'
Much to her surprise, when she opened it, Naruto was sitting on the stair-steps and she swore she saw his eyes lit up for just a second when he saw her.
"Ah...Naruto...did you just wake up?" She smiled faintly at him and closed the door behind her.
"I was up at 7:30."
Hinata blinked. "Well, you usually watch the news or read a the newspaper in the morning. Are you getting ready to go somewhere?"
"I was just waiting for you."
Hinata's heart nearly skipped a beat. She wasn't sure she heard that right. "You were...waiting for me?"
"Breakfast is ready, too." Naruto simply replied as he got up from the staircase and walked over to the kitchen.
Hinata silently followed along, utterly confused and a bit flustered. This would be the second time he's cooked breakfast for her, but the first time that he's ever cooked it early and waited for her.
"Um...thanks for the food." She muttered as they both sat down across from each other.
Naruto gazed down at his plate for a few moments before averting his eyes up to her face. He could see that she was surprised and confused, yet there seemed to be such joy in her expression when she reached for his food.
"...where do you want to go today?"
Hinata was about to get some eggs, but her hand froze midway. It was always her that asked him out to go places or planned events for them. Was he asking her on a date or something? "We can just stay home. We just got back from the cabin a few days ago."
"Is there a place you'd like to go?" Naruto disregarded her comment and kept asking.
"Um..." Hinata wasn't sure. They've gone to probably most of the good coffee shops in town already, they went to the beach, they went camping, hiking, and they eat out at restaurants frequently, so she couldn't come up with a place.
She lifted her head and when her gaze met his, something instantly clicked in her mind. "I...I have somewhere special I want to go to today."
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Where?"
"It'll be a secret. I'll drive us there."
To be honest, Hinata was a little scared.
The place she was taking Naruto to, was indeed a special place; but it was more of a special place to him than to her.
And she was scared because she didn't know how he would react. Maybe he would even hate her.
But it was worth the risk...she wanted him to face his fears. What he needed was confrontation with his feelings of betrayal and he needed closure. If he didn't have closure or if he couldn't fully express his pain, then she knew that no matter how hard she tried to heal his heart, it would be of no use.
She glanced over at him and her heart pounded just a little quicker when he narrowed his eyes at the road.
It seemed like he finally realized where she was taking him.
"Hinata..." He called her name in a warning-tone. "...turn back, now."
She gulped and shook her head at him. "You asked me where I wanted to go today. This is the place I want to go to."
"Anywhere but here." He glared at her menacingly. "Stop the car."
"I can't, I'm sorry."
Naruto sighed in frustration as they got closer to the site. Hinata gasped when he suddenly reached over and placed his hands on hers on the steering wheel. "Stop, now-,"
"Naruto, just trust me on this-,"
"Stop the car, Hinata!" He raised his voice at her.
When Hinata finally stepped on the breaks, Naruto slammed open the door and preceded to walk away from the car. Hinata quickly stepped out of the car also. She ran over to him and grasped his arm, pulling him back slightly.
"Naruto, please!"
He turned around to face her with his angry glare. "Why would you take me here of all places?!"
She looked at him pleadingly, and tried to reason with him. She knew he'd be angry, of course, but she didn't expect him to actually get out and start walking away. "I know this is the last place you'd want to be-,"
"Then why the hell would you even take me here? Why would you even think of it in the first place? You said you wanted to be there for me, that you cared for me! You said all that to me, and yet, you take me here? Do you want me to see them again? You want to remind me of how they fucked me over?!"
Hinata flinched at his words. He wasn't the type to swear or cuss at all. Despite the fact that his outburst scared her, she tightened her hold on him and pulled him towards her. "I don't want to remind you of them...that's not my intention, Naruto. Please, I just want you to say the things that you've held back. I want you to confront your feelings about them while being in front of them. Please-,"
"You want me to talk to them? They're dead. They won't, and they can't hear me. There's no excuse for what they did to me and there's nothing I can say now that will change anything. Saying how I feel in front of them won't make me feel better, Hinata, why can't you understand that?"
He tried to pry her fingers off of his arm, but she kept her grip on him.
"Just trust me on this, Naruto. I promise you will feel better...just say everything that's been on your mind. You can yell, you can scream, or cry, or do whatever you need to do to. You need a release."
"And then what? I'll yell, scream, and cry, and I let everything out, and then what, Hinata? It won't erase my memories of them, it won't make the pain go away." He pulled away from her again, but she just would not give up.
"Naruto, just please-,"
"Let go!"
Hinata gasped when he suddenly pushed her away, causing her to lose her grip on his arm and fall down harshly on the dirt ground. She winced when a sharp pain coursed through her elbow and let out quiet whimper.
Shit...shit.
Naruto quickly regretted his actions and his feelings of anger vanished. He immediately bent down towards her and gently placed one hand on her back and another on her arm, helping her get up again. He felt a rush of guilt when he realized that her elbow got scraped and was bleeding. "Hinata-,"
"I'm ok, I'm ok." She reassured him.
Naruto was a bit taken by surprise when she pulled away from him and refused to look at him. She took a step back from him and it seemed like she was at shock at what just happened.
He pushed her. And it wasn't just a simple push...it was a full force push that sent her flying to the ground and injured her. This is the first time he ever hurt her physically.
Hinata was indeed a little shocked at what just happened...but she also knew he didn't mean to do it intentionally. Maybe she was overdoing it; she was pushing him too hard to move on. Letting out a sigh, she looked at the direction of where Sasuke and Sakura's graves were at.
To be honest, she had a lot on her mind to say to them, too. Not only did they hurt Naruto, they also hurt their own families, their friends, and everyone who respected and loved them. What they left behind was nothing but pain.
"...you can stay in the car." She replied quietly. "I'm sorry I forced you to do something you weren't ready to do yet. Just wait for me here."
Naruto was confused. As she started to walk away, he reached for her uninjured arm and was careful not to grab or touch her too harshly this time. "Why would you go by yourself?"
"I have things that I need to say to them, too." Hinata made a faint smile at him.
Naruto's eyes averted down to her scraped elbow and somehow, that god-awful tugging in his heart wouldn't stop. "...you're injured. We should just go back home."
"I'm ok. It's just a scratch-,"
"It's not just a scratch, Hinata." He interrupted. "I'm...I'm sorry...I was angry, but I shouldn't have pushed you like that."
Hinata just shook her head at him. "I know it wasn't on purpose. It's ok." She reassured him again and proceeded to walk to the grave site.
Naruto watched as she walked ahead and he let out a frustrated sigh. He didn't want to see them...he knew that if he stood in front of their graves, he would break. He didn't want to break. It wouldn't change anything. No matter how many questions he asked, how much he cried or screamed, and no matter how much he expressed his sorrows and anger towards them, there was no guarantee that it would make him feel any better. He'd probably just be even more angry because they weren't actually there to answer or respond to him.
But...he couldn't just let her go by herself like that.
He pushed down his pride and his feelings of resentment and ran after her.
"Hinata..." He once again reached for her hand. "...I'll go." He said reluctantly.
"I already said it's ok. You don't have to-,"
"I'll go." He gave her no more room for argument.
Hinata let out a small sigh. She knew he felt bad for pushing her and now he was just going with her because of that. She wasn't sure if he was going to truly let down his walls when they reached the grave-site.
Once they were nearing the place, Hinata could see the black gated area and the many tombstones lined up in perfect parallels. She glanced over at Naruto and she noticed that he looked a little uncomfortable. She entangled her fingers with his and squeezed his hand slightly. "It will be ok, I promise."
Naruto couldn't help but let out a deep sigh. He hoped so. He could already see Sasuke and Sakura's graves, laying side by side...and it irked him that even in death, they were laid down beside each other. He felt himself walk slower and slower as they neared the graves, as if his own feet had a mind of their own.
A few more steps, and they stood in front of the two people that he both loved and hated with all his heart.
Sakura Haruno. 1993-2016. Always and forever in our hearts: a beautiful daughter and a loving wife.
Sasuke Uchiha. 1992-2016. Always and forever in our hearts: an irreplaceable son and a devoted best friend.
Naruto almost scoffed at what the headstones had written on them. A loving wife? A devoted best friend? What lies. And how naive of him to put such words on their graves.
Hinata let go of his hand and bent down to their graves. "Hey guys...it's been a while." She muttered and first turned to Sasuke's grave. "I never talked to you much, Sasuke. I always felt like you were untouchable because in a sense, you seemed to carry yourself as someone who was so perfect and flawless. But you were a good friend to those around you...and I don't know what drove you to do what you did. As much as you may have loved Sakura to do something like that...you took away the only person that your best friend would give his life for...and you also broke the bond with everyone else who ever respected and loved you."
Hinata took a deep breath and turned to Sakura's grave next. "...Sakura. You were...the most beautiful and the brightest person I ever knew. Your smile lit up anyone's day and you always knew what to say to cheer someone up. You were one of the people I looked up to and you helped me break out of my shell when I was so shy and insecure. You...were the source of happiness for the person that I love."
Naruto's heart ached ever so slightly when she smiled sadly while mentioning him.
"You were his world and no one ever came close to his heart as you did. I believe that you did love Naruto once. Everyone saw it. There was no way that you could have faked everything...all those smiles you sent his way and the way you looked at him, I truly believe that you did love Naruto. But you just didn't love him enough. You were so easily swayed by temptation...what was it you saw in Sasuke that Naruto didn't have? You would have been a wife that was so loved and cherished...I envy you till this day and I'm...I'm also so angry that you let go of something that was beautiful." Hinata's voice quivered, but she wouldn't let herself cry. "On your wedding day...I stood there looking at you, and I was so jealous that you were such a gorgeous bride and that you had the perfect man...that you had the man that I love. And he was perfect for you, Sakura. No matter how much I loved him then, and no matter how much I love him now, he was perfect for you and you were perfect for him. That's something I can never come between and something that I can never compare to. I brought him here today...and from this day onward, this will be the first and last time that we come visit you and Sasuke."
Hinata stood up and backed away. She put her hand on Naruto's shoulder and urged him to step closer. "...I've said what I needed to say. It's your turn...I'll stay over here to give you some space." She replied before she walked away to another spot. She didn't want him to hold back anything...and frankly, she knew it would shatter her heart to hear and see him in pain.
Naruto simply nodded and waited until Hinata was a few steps away and far enough so she couldn't hear him. His lips trembled and his hands felt like they were shaking as he knelt down in front of their graves.
Like Hinata, he turned to Sasuke first. He felt like he just wanted to punch Sasuke's headstone until his knuckles were bloody and torn to get rid of the rage he felt. "...Sasuke." He gulped as he said the name of his best friend for the first time in almost a year.
"How...how could you..." Naruto stuttered. He didn't even know where to begin. A part of him wanted to just cuss and lash out and yet, another part of him just wanted to sit there and cry. "How could you...betray me like that...?"
His voice shook and he felt his walls crumble down in that instant. "You were my best friend ever since we were young. You were my family when I had none. I considered you as my brother. You always protected me when we were younger, and you stood up for me when people didn't believe in me. I was driven by such an ambitious goal to be even half the person that you were. And yet...and yet you practically shit on everything that we stood for together and you stole the person I loved the most. You knew I loved her. You were the first person I told when I knew that I wanted to spend my life with her. You encouraged and supported me throughout the whole relationship, and yet...why would you devise a plan to leave me penniless and run away with her, especially after we've already married? She was my wife...you were there for the wedding vows and you even stood as my best man. How the fuck can you just turn against me like that?" Naruto bawled his hands into fists and slammed it down on Sasuke's grave.
"Why? Why? I thought we had the closest bond that any pair of best friends could have. We were like brothers, Sasuke...fucking brothers. We went through every hardship together. I depended on you to be the one person that I could trust even my own life with, and I thought you felt the same way. Even if you were starting to be attracted to her in any way, you should've stayed the hell away from her. You broke every ounce of trust that I had in you, Sasuke..." He felt his eyes stinging and he knew that he couldn't hold back. The tears ran down his face and he said no more to Sasuke as he sat there for a few minutes silently sobbing and letting out all his anger and sorrow. Sasuke was really his only family...and to have someone who was closer to him than his own blood stab him in the back was a pain that he couldn't even describe in words.
He could barely turn to face Sakura. Sitting in silence with tears still streaming down his face, he reached over and gently laid a hand on the bottom of her headstone.
"...I...miss you..." He could barely utter above a whisper. He despised her for betraying him...but he knew that his heart still yearned for her. "I don't know what I could have done different for you to stay with me. I loved you to the fullest and gave you every sheer ounce of my affection...if it was that easy for you to fall for Sasuke in just a few months, why would you agree to marry me? Were any of the words you said to me true? At the last moment...did you even think about me...? Right until the very last seconds of your life...did you even regret leaving me in the slightest bit?"
Naruto's voice shook with anger and despair and he pounded his fist to his chest. "I loved you, damnit!"
"No matter how much I declare that to you now, it doesn't mean anything, does it? From the first moment that I saw you, your eyes, your smile, your laughter, everything about you mesmerized me. I was so crazy about you. I was the happiest man alive with just one hug and one kiss from you. And it fucking hurts and it's unfair that I can't erase you from my mind or from my heart...even after what you've done, I know that right now, if you were to stand in front of me, I would do nothing but embrace you. How can you make me love you this much, then just betray me and leave me with nothing? Out of anyone that I've met, you had the purest and most honest soul and I that's what I loved most about you. You brought me so much joy and heartache at the same time...what did I do wrong, Sakura? If you didn't feel anything for me anymore, why couldn't you just tell me straight up? Why would you cheat on me...with my best friend? You knew that Sasuke and I grew up together...you knew that we went through everything together and that we had a bond that was closer than blood brothers and yet, you...you still left with him. Did you even stop to think about how much this would hurt me, your friends, Sasuke's friends, and even your own family? I didn't even know how to face your parents about this. If you were here to see their heartbroken expressions, would you still risk everything to be with Sasuke? You wanted him that much...? That much to the point where you would leave even your own parents...and leave me penniless, without a single word? Was Sasuke really worth it? Was I just something to play and toy around with, Sakura...?"
He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. His body was shaking and he felt like he was going to hyperventilate at any moment. He let out a cry of desperation and he couldn't stop pounding with his fists. He hit the ground multiple times until it the side of his hands felt numb and were brown and green from the dirt and grass.
"Sakura…was I…just a fool until the very end?"
He gazed down sorrowfully at her grave and then for a slight moment, he glanced back at Hinata. She was standing quietly a few tombstones away and faced the opposite direction.
…yea. He really was a fool.
Turning back to Sakura's grave, he finally wiped away his tears and stood up.
"You two gave me the best years of my life….and I know that no matter how much I try, I can't erase you from my mind. All that's left for me to do…is to just move on." He once again took a deep breath and prepared himself to say his final words to them. He wasn't content, because no matter how much he cried or screamed at them, it won't change what happened. But he did feel better…because he finally figured something out.
"Sakura, you made me feel like what I found was true love. And for a bit, it really did feel like it. But…with everything that happened and with what you and Sasuke did to me…I think I understand now that there's someone who's always been waiting to show me what love really means."
He took a step back. "…and it's time that I go to her, now." He bid a silent goodbye to the graves of his former friend and lover. This would probably be the last time he would come here because frankly, there was no reason to come again. He said the words that he couldn't say before and he let out all his built up anger and tears. From here on out, he would try to move forward in life and try to live like he did before...by bringing joy to those around him and by loving fearlessly.
Because that's who Naruto Uzumaki was.
He turned away from the graves and walked over to Hinata, who was still patiently waiting for him. When he reached her, he took her by surprise when he suddenly stood in front of her.
"Y...you're done?" Hinata noticed that his eyes were red and realized that he was probably crying alot earlier. "Did you...get to say everything you wanted to say?"
She became a bit flustered when he didn't answer her. Her heart was beating like crazy at how he was gazing at her so silently and intently. "N...Naruto...?" When he came closer to her, she instinctively shuffled back. Her stomach felt like it flipped when he snaked one arm around her waist to keep her still and came so close that his face was barely inches above hers. When she gazed up at his captivating blue eyes, her body froze and her mind blanked.
"No." He finally answered. "I forgot to say one last thing."
She blinked at him, quite confused.
Naruto's eyes traveled down to her lips and closing the tiny gap that was between them, he captured it with his. And in that instant...he never felt so sure of something in his life before.
He would not let this woman go. Ever.
Hinata's head was in haze when he broke away from her and cupped the side of her face like she was the most precious thing to him. Her heart swelled up with happiness and immense joy and she almost cried at what he did next.
Naruto smiled...and said the words of gratitude that she didn't think she would hear before the two months were over.
"Thank you, Hinata."
Review! More to come :)
