TMNT is not mine.

We now return you to your regular program. I've finally finished this. Crack and craziness.


Benjamin was engaged in a…vigorous bout of intimacy with one of the many beautiful sewer dwelling women when he suddenly felt an existence wrenching hollowness. "Oh," he said, freezing as all his enthusiasm left him. "Oh, looks like things are calming down. Weeel, that's a pity."

He hopped to his feet and headed for the door. "Farewell my lovely, it was a brief and lustful romance we had but it was entirely physical."

"Benjamin, you can't stop now!" his companion complained with frustration.

"Alas, I'm no longer possessed with the horniness of four repressed turtles. I'm like a mayfly, it was a good existence, short but lots of babies were made and now I am dying. Allow me some dignity, I wish to die in peace in a place of my choosing. I'm going to melt and I don't want your last memories of me to be traumatizing."

The blue haired beauty reached out to the departing turtle. "Benjamin! Surely there is no better place to die than in the arms of a lover," she smiled pleasantly and it was like the sun was shining.

"Actually," Benjamin said, snapping out of his poetic mood, "I'd really much rather die on my own. You are bit too perfect to be real and as something that doesn't really exist, I would much rather spend my last moment taking in reality. I didn't really have an opportunity before; I was too focused on deflowering as many mysterious girls as I could."

His latest (and last) mysterious girl grabbed him and pulled him to the ground, resting his head on her bosom to smother his protests. The turtle struggled weakly but was too weak to escape. It would have been picturesque had the two lovers not been lying on a filthy mattress on the sewer floor.

Minutes passed. Then hours went past and Benjamin did not melt away. It was pure torture as his partner had chosen to sing a soothing lullaby and she was horribly off tune. Finally, the four original turtles approached. Benjamin managed to push his beautiful companion away at last and scrambled up onto his feet towards them.

"I," he announced with great disappointment, "Was supposed to melt back into non-existence. It was going to be spectacular."

Leonardo heaved a sigh. "We thought something like this might happen, our lives are not that lucky. But it's okay, we already decided on what to do."

Benjamin brightened. "Really? I was so worried, I have no idea how to live in the real world and I don't know any ninjitsu at all, I thought you guys were going to throw me out."

"Oh we won't," Raphael said with a satisfied smirk, "We have a few thousand babies that you fathered. Someone is going to have to take care of them and that someone is you."

"And you are also going to have wear this," Donatello brandished a strange looking object at Benjamin. "I'll have you know, I made it myself."

"It was our back-up plan," Mikey said. "I mean, getting laid was fun and everything but our plan A never works."

Benjamin examined the object, unsure what it was but horror was slowly rising up inside him. "This? What is this?"

"It's a chastity belt," Leo informed him. "You will wear this for the rest of your life."

The metaphysical entity in front of them exploded violently. Light erupted from every pore as Benjamin disintegrated in a flashy kaleidoscope of colours. At last it ended and a shower of rose petals floated to the ground.

"Oh good," Raphael sighed with relief. "It worked."

"We still have all those babies and women to deal with," Donatello reminded him.

"Bishop," Leonardo said, "We are give them to Bishop."

"And Splinter is on the Utrom homeworld," Mikey pointed out.

"We'll trade them to Bishop and get a spaceship off him," Leo said. "We'll move in with the Utroms, so we'll be far away from this planet. Everything is going to work out just fine."

And it did.