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He held his breath waiting for her answer …
Silence
'Kens? You still with me? Don't worry ok, we can talk about this whenever you want or not talk about it if that's what you want, please forget I said anything' he kissed her hair and inside felt like he was dying, the baby would carry his last name and would always be a part of him, but he wanted his family complete, it wasn't a control issue, that Kensi must have his last name, he wanted her to want to wear his name with pride, he wanted to be able to introduce her as his wife and not just a partner, she was his partner at work, at home he wanted more, but he felt like he'd failed, Kensi didn't want that and it bruised his ego and tore at his heart.
He pushed himself up and away from her, he didn't want her to see the hurt he knew would be etched all over his face, despite the agony he was in right now, he loved her too much for that, he walked behind the sofa so she couldn't see his face and stroked her hair tenderly
'Goodnight Kens' he whispered, not waiting for Kensi's reply before heading towards their bedroom
He undressed silently, normally he slept naked but tonight he got into bed wearing his boxers still, he had bared enough of his soul tonight and he liked the security his shorts gave him, he tossed and turned in the darkness not knowing what to do next, his proposal hadn't even warranted an answer and for the first time he was uncertain of Kensi's commitment to him. It had taken him a long time to break down those emotional walls that she had built up over time but he'd been patient and kept chipping away until the walls came tumbling down, he'd known Kensi was 'the one' and he was prepared to wait for Kensi to realise their future was together too.
He had honestly thought he would be making love to her tonight, lying tangled up together talking about their future for hours, instead he was alone and his thoughts were deafening him, he heard Kensi shutting the tv off and turned so he was facing away from her side of the bed, closed his eyes and pretended he was asleep when she walked through the door.
Kensi undressed silently, she pulled on shorts and a camisole and sat cross legged on top of the bed, she knew Deeks was awake, she knew he was avoiding her and she knew she probably deserved it
'Marty?' she said quietly
'Please Kensi' he pleaded, his voice breaking 'not tonight, I don't understand it but I accept it, just go to sleep please'
'Why do you want us to get married Marty? I don't know why you want to change things between us'
'What do you mean why?' he sat on the edge of his side of the bed, still not trusting himself to look at her
'You know I can tell you the exact moment I first saw you, the first words you said to me, the first time you trusted me, the first cover kiss, the first real kiss, the first time we made love and every single time since then' he stood and started pacing, running his hand though his hair in frustration, his voice raising slightly
'I remember the first time I told you that I love you, and I remember the feeling I had the first time you told me you loved me back, when I fell in love with you, I fell hard and I thought you felt the same' he choked out, tears were falling rapidly down his cheeks but he didn't care enough to try to stop or wipe them away.
'People get married because they love each other Kensi and I asked you to marry me because I have never loved anybody like I love you, people get married because they want to spend the rest of their lives together, they want to live together, love together, laugh together, share everything together and I wanted that, I thought we had that, I see how it is now though and I'm trying hard to keep it together here Kens, but you're torturing me, I see ok' he choked out
'You didn't mention the baby' Kensi said quietly
'Don't you dare' he growled 'do not even go there, you can question my loyalty to you all you want ok, I can't change that but do NOT ever question my feelings about my child' his blue eyes blazed angrily
'Marty please, that's not what I meant at all'
'Then what do you mean Kensi?'
'When I asked you why you wanted to marry me, you never cited the baby as part of that reasoning, why not?' she was crying herself now and felt exhausted, she sat on the edge of the bed waiting
'Because you don't get married because of a baby, it's 2012 for gods sake, wedding rings aren't going to make us better parents, I love that baby already but this was about us, just us Kensi, please don't cry, it doesn't matter anymore, I shouldn't have pushed you, will you please stop crying, it's not good for you and I don't want you to, please stop'
Seeing Kensi so upset dissolved his own hurt and anger, he sat next to her rubbing her back
'I do love you and I'm sorry Marty, when you asked me, I thought the only reason you were asking was because you felt it was your duty because of the baby, I know how much being a dad means to you and I know my thinking was irrational because I do know how much you love me, god only knows why … '
'Kensi' he interrupted
'No, let me finish Marty, my dad was the only other person that loved me for being me, I treat you like shit most of the time, I tell you I hate you when I don't mean it, I pushed you away for years and you wouldn't give up on me, I don't deserve you and I don't know why you love me sometimes, you make me happy and my life complete and I make you miserable so even though I know you love me, deep down I convinced myself it was only for the baby, I wish I could turn back time and answer with my heart and not over think it with my head, I am so stupid, I didn't mean to hurt you again Marty, seeing you cry is breaking my heart, please stop' she was wiping his tears dry, kissing his eyes, his cheeks, chin, nose, anywhere she could
'I love you, I do love you, I love you so much' she repeated over and over again in between kisses, she took his hands in hers, looked into his eyes and slowly got down on one knee
'Marty Deeks, today I love you more than I loved you yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow, you're my best friend, my lover, my partner, and I want to be your wife forever, will you marry me Marty?'
They were both crying again as he pulled her to her feet, lifting her off her feet as he hugged her tightly
'As soon as I can Babygirl, I love you, you are my forever, yes I will marry you'
They fell back onto the bed smiling at each other, they didn't make love that night, both of them were content looking at each other and holding each other tight, as if they never wanted to let go again.
