Chapter 9
Janet kept me in a side room of the infirmary after the regression, saying she wanted to keep an eye on me. Even after a night's sleep I'm still shaky as I try to accept what we found. It looks like it might not have been a dream. The mission went nothing like my conscious memories. I've since been told that Daniel's regression yielded enough similarity that they're convinced they're getting to the truth. Janet wants to repeat the procedure on Colonel O'Neill, but she's had him sedated since yesterday, and he's with McKenzie right now. I know he's been through hell. I just hope he remembers enough to realise he didn't hurt me. I heard him screaming yesterday. The whole base must've heard him. Incoherent, full of anguish and fury and absolute terror.
I read through the transcript of my regression, trying to assimilate the memory. We arrive on the planet to a view identical to the one the MALP had sent back. The planet is mountainous and pretty inhospitable. There's an icy wind and the temperature's not much above freezing. As we're waiting for the Colonel's order to move out, there's suddenly a haze in front of us. We tense, ready to defend ourselves, and the haze separates into three forms, becoming denser like smoke before solidifying into three figures – two men and a woman. They look human, well, except that their legs seem to taper away into gas towards the ground, and they look like they've escaped from the set of Aladdin – all see-through shirts and satin pants.
"Welcome, friends," the one in the centre intones. He has the appearance of a man of middle age, bulky, dark and muscular. The one on my right, standing right in front of the Colonel, is female, apparently in her twenties, with dark hair and pale grey eyes. Her outfit doesn't leave a lot to the imagination. I remember being irritated with the Colonel for staring, but I managed to keep from mentioning that detail. The third is male with similar colouring and features to the woman, but younger-looking, perhaps a younger brother if such designations apply.
"Greetings," Daniel begins. "We expected this planet to be uninhabited. We are peaceful explorers, and we would like to learn about you and your people."
"Ah, but we will be delighted to learn about you," our host replies, bowing deeply. "Please, come with us."
I take a look at the Colonel, but he just does that minute shrug which means that we go along with it for now, and we follow them. Minutes later, we enter a cave and, after we pass through a narrow, low entrance, we arrive in a huge opening, hundreds of yards across and lit with what look to be crystal chandeliers far above our heads. The temperature seems impossibly higher than outside, given that it's open to the elements - too warm for our outdoor clothing.
We're taken to a seating area towards one wall, with soft cushions on the floor and intricate woven hangings on the surrounding rock.
Once we're all seated, we're offered refreshment, but the Colonel refuses on our behalf - a sure sign that he's uncomfortable about something.
"Oh, it would do you no harm at all," our host assures us. "Although we are not human, we know a great deal about your kind."
"Well, you have the advantage," Daniel counters. "We know nothing at all about you."
"We are the Deejin, have you heard of us?"
Colonel O'Neill answers before Daniel can get a word in.
"No, should we?"
"No matter," the Deejin replies. "I am Aaquib, and these are Talib," he gestures to the young man, "and Maysam." His sister? "You are among the most fortunate of all mortals. We wish to offer you all your dearest wishes."
The colonel quirks an eyebrow at that. "You what?"
"It's what we do. We exist to grant wishes to human kind."
"You can't get much in the way of job satisfaction then."
The Deejin look confused.
"There don't seem to be a whole lot of humans here," the Colonel explains.
"Ah, yes, yes, you're right, of course. But still, all the more reason for us to do something really special for you."
"Thanks but no thanks," the Colonel answers. "We've come to find out about the planet and you, but that's it. Our dearest wishes will stay ungranted. If that's a problem, then we'll leave."
"Ah, but you can't possibly leave. You've only just arrived."
"That's it," the Colonel says, getting up. "We're out of here."
I start to get up, but everything goes black.
I waken in a bedroom alone. It's full of satins in pastel colours, and it's quite a picture. I check myself over, looking for a sign of injury, but I find nothing. I've no idea how they knocked me out, but I know they did. I creep to the door and through a narrow opening, I peer out. The room is set into the wall of the cavern we entered. There's movement in the cushioned area we were in before – I can see Daniel lying in the centre of the room and the three Deejin are around him, holding hands.
Seeing that they're distracted, I reach down to find my radio, but it's gone, along with my weapons. I lean back to the opening, softly calling the Colonel and Teal'c. They don't answer, but I wasn't quiet enough for the Deejin, because I feel myself being compelled in the direction of the bed and then falling onto it as blackness overcomes me again.
The next thing I remember is being taken out of the room and to the seating area. Colonel O'Neill is already there, lying in the centre as I'd seen Daniel earlier, and he seems to be unconscious. I don't remember struggling, although I do remember feeling that my emotions had somehow been buried. They place me by his side and then I feel them probing my mind, looking for the thoughts I keep hidden.
I feel a sense of triumph and excitement a few moments later, and then I'm compelled to change into clothes that have appeared from nowhere – something satin and filmy that I'd never wear if I had the choice. The Colonel is moving too, changing into a suit or some sort, and I can see the fury in his eyes that there's nothing he can do to prevent both of us from the indignity. And then, everything else is forgotten, and I'm in the dream, trying to pull up the zipper of my dress when I hear my doorbell ringing. It's my dream, the one I've been having over and over; the same dream that's gone from being a special gift to a curse in the intervening weeks.
And that's when I realise that everything that matters in that dream is real. Oh, the location's in my mind, and the dress I'm wearing is nothing like the one I could see, but the conversation, the kisses and touches, they were all real.
Daniel's memories even provided the last bit of proof. Janet said that he remembers waking and seeing Jack and me dancing together among those cushions with the Deejin surrounding us. I'm just glad that's all he saw. Then again, maybe it's just all he's admitting to.
And thinking about what he might have witnessed, I'm dragged back to the present. I'm pregnant. It's a sign of how much has changed in the past twenty-four hours or so that I can actually say and believe that. And the knowledge that everything that I've been dreaming about really happened, leads me to the inevitable conclusion that the baby is the Colonel's. Janet still wants to do a paternity test although she has confirmed that there's no sign of alien DNA, effectively ruling out her suggestion of a 'more acceptable face'. Apart from anything else, it confirms that the Colonel and I have, at least technically, torn the fraternisation rules to shreds. The positive thing for me is that it proves that I wasn't assaulted by anyone - least of all the Colonel. I'd never believed that was possible anyway, but having a memory to back it up makes me feel that my situation is a little more defensible. The most important thing for me now, is making sure that Colonel O'Neill isn't hauled over the coals for this.
Janet guided me through some relaxation exercises to help me sleep last night, but I suspect that the better night's sleep I got was more because I know it's not a dream. And since the regression, she's been using me like a pin cushion, so she can investigate how the naquadah and the hormonal changes are interacting. She's still convinced that there was only ever a small probability of me getting pregnant, and it's Murphy's Law that it happened like this. I remember when she first told me that I probably wouldn't be able to have children. I was saddened, but it seemed like a distant goal and I think I'd accepted it. Now, that I'm pregnant, I find that I don't want to make a quick decision to end the pregnancy. If someone had come to me before all this started and told me that I'd end up pregnant as a result of alien intervention, I'd have taken it for granted that I would have a termination. Now that it's happened … my reaction is rather different. But that leads to another question. If it's the Colonel's child … Jack's child, what do I do if he doesn't want me to have the baby? Could I give up on what could be my only chance to have a child of my own because he doesn't want to be a father again? And I would understand if that's how he feels after what he went through with Charlie; I can easily see that he wouldn't want to risk his heart again. And could I hurt him by going ahead if he doesn't want me to?
I manage to doze for a while, waking with a start to see Janet looking me over.
"How're you feeling, Sam?"
"Better. I needed to sleep."
"I noticed. Are you up to talking?"
"Sure, Janet. What's happened?"
"We did the regression with Jack. His version agrees with yours to a remarkable extent. I even managed to get him to describe the dress, the restaurant, some of the ... less embarrassing details. They match. Somehow, and I can't imagine how they did it, the Deejin conjured a set of circumstances and left you and the Colonel to react to them. And the result of that is what you've both been dreaming for weeks."
"Jack's had the dreams too?"
"Yeah. And your reactions have been pretty similar. He's hardly slept in weeks and he's actually been handling it worse than you. General Hammond wanted the Colonel to have a psychiatric evaluation, but I've decided to cut him some slack for now since he did agree to the regression. We'll see how he does."
"And he knows it's real?"
"Yeah."
"What about Hammond? He needs to know that Colonel O'Neill didn't assault me."
"Technically, he did. It just seems like he wasn't in his right mind when he did."
"No, Janet, he didn't assault me. Nothing happened between us that I didn't want at the time and in the circumstances that I believed existed. At the end of it, all I felt was loved. There was no assault."
"Perhaps, although there's still the fraternisation regulations to think about."
"Nonsense! They can't apply. If it comes to talking about an assault, the Colonel's as much a victim as you thought I was."
"I know, Sam. Look, I need to go and give General Hammond an update. I'll certainly give my opinion that Colonel O'Neill is not guilty of assaulting you, and that the fraternisation regulations should not apply in this case. How he'll read the facts, I don't know."
"Thanks, Janet."
"Just doing my job."
"Do you feel like getting up for a while?"
"Yeah, if you'll let me."
"Colonel O'Neill wants to talk to you."
Oh boy. Am I ready to face him? Will I ever be?
"Does he know I'm pregnant?"
"No, Sam. The only other person who knows is General Hammond, and that's only because he needed to know why I believed you'd been assaulted. And it can stay that way if you want it to."
I suspect it's going to be the hardest conversation of my life, but I know I need to see him. And the idea of not telling him is thrown out immediately. Keeping a secret like that – I'd never be able to work with him again. I know I wouldn't.
"Yeah, I'll talk to him."
"Ok, pull on some clothes and come to my office. I'll see if I can have him brought down."
I'm sitting there, not sure how to begin to tell him what's happened, when I spot him standing in the doorway. I'm shocked at what his appearance. He looks … older than I've ever seen him.
"Carter?"
His voice is soft and unsure.
"Colonel, come in. Janet said we should use her office to talk." I stand to meet him. Seeing Jack O'Neill so unsure of himself is just wrong, and I've got to do something about it.
He approaches, stopping an arm-length away.
"Carter, I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I just didn't …"
"It's ok, Sir. I know. We were both under an illusion."
"But it's not ok, is it? Those bastards used me to … rape you. It doesn't matter how you dress it up, that's what happened. I know you'll never be able to forgive me, and I understand that. I just needed to tell you … that I'm sorry."
"You've got no reason to apologise, Sir. You didn't do anything wrong - at least no more than I did."
"No, Carter. I'm your CO. I should have realised something was wrong … had some control. I should …"
"Stop it, Sir. Please. It's done and we have to move on. We're not going to do that if you're wallowing in guilt."
He looks at me, and for a moment I think he expects me to start yelling. Instead, I smile. It seems to have the desired effect.
"Wallowing, Carter? I don't wallow."
"Good to know, Sir. But there's something else I need to tell you."
The half-smile is gone and there's fear back in his eyes. Instinctively, I reach out a hand to him to lead him towards me, but I stop. He gets my meaning, and follows me to one of the two chairs arranged close to Janet's desk. I sit in the other one.
"Sir, you need to know … I'm pregnant."
"You're …"
He closes his eyes and I see his mouth open a few times without a sound coming out. When he manages to speak, all he manages is a single strangled word. "Mine?"
"Yes, Sir. I think so. There hasn't been anyone else."
"But I thought the naquadah in your blood meant …"
"Yeah, so did I."
"Oh, God, Carter. What do you want to do?"
"To be honest, Sir, I don't know. I thought I'd accepted that I'd never have children, but now?"
"But if it's happened once, it could happen again."
I shake my head. "Janet thinks it's pretty much a fluke."
"You'd consider keeping it?"
"Like I said, Sir, I don't know. It's been a shock. When Janet told me, I was in denial. I kept telling her it was impossible."
"Carter, it's your decision and I'm not going to try to influence it. Just know this. Whatever you decide, you've got my support. Whatever you want. Understand?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Stop calling me Sir, please. I don't deserve your respect, not after …"
"I'll try, Jack. But there's no point beating yourself up about this. Whatever else you believe, you've got to know that it's not your fault, and I don't blame you."
Judging by the look on his face I know I haven't convinced him, but I haven't given up.
