Rae's sleep on Sunday night was the worst she's ever had and that includes her first night in hospital. She's not even sure how much she actually slept because every time she turned over to the clock on her night stand a new hour was displayed. Sunday, the day, wasn't nearly as bad as she expected it to be, given everything that happened. Rae was sure Chloe had given Izzy a Sparknoted version of what happened on Saturday night because the two of them made it their mission to keep Rae's mind clear of thoughts of Finn, Tix, and Liam. They went shopping, they went to see a movie, and they got manicures. It was a lot of fun, if Rae was being honest with herself, but it didn't take her mind away from anything, even though she pretended for Chloe and Izzy's sake.

Rae tried hard not to think too much into what Izzy had said about Finn coming home the night before, storming up to his room without saying a word to anyone, slamming the door and blaring The Smiths.

"The Smiths get me through the tough times." Finn's voice danced through her mind. "Or if I just need to think, I go to The Smiths."

What do you need to think about, Finn?

It was exactly this reason that she couldn't sleep the night before. She knew she'd be seeing Finn today and a thousand different scenarios flashed through her mind about how lunch was going to go. Countless times yesterday she'd picked up the phone to ring their house but every time she got to the tenth number, she'd hang up.

What am I goin' to say to him that's not goin' to make me sound like a total twat?

She couldn't be in bed anymore. Her first class wasn't for another three hours but maybe she could find Finn on campus and have their conversation earlier than lunch because the more she thought about it and the longer she waited, the queasier she became.

There was only one road on campus and it circled the university like a lasso. Rae's dormitory sat just off the main stretch before the loop and whenever she needed to clear her mind, she'd walk the giant circle around. Sometimes she'd bring her Discman and turn the music up so loud she couldn't hear her own thoughts. Sometimes she'd bring nothing and just listen to the sound of her feet hitting the pavement and the rustling of the leaves in the wind. She loved these moments of solitude for two reasons: they allowed her to escape her own mind for a bit and she was starting to notice her clothes fitting a little looser.

Rae quietly climbed out of bed and got ready for the day. She gathered up her jacket and threw some antiperspirant in her book bag knowing she'd need it after her walk and before lunch with Finn. She hesitated before grabbing her Discman but decided against it. Today was a listen to the beating of your heart match the rhythm of your footsteps kind of day.

How is that conversation even goin' to go? "Oh, hiya, Finn! Haha. Remember Saturday night? Ha. Good times, yeah? So remember when you said you were in love me and my wanker ex-boyfriend showed up… Can we, like, revisit that conversation?" No. Too twatish. "Oh, Finn! Fancy seein' you here." Really, Rae? No. Just be honest with him. Like Chloe said, your friendship is based on honesty. Well, except for not tellin' him about the hospital. Or Liam. Or Tix. Jesus Christ. I've totally fucked this up, haven't I? No. You'll be fine. Everything will be okay. You two will talk and it will be awkward and brilliant and beautiful. You'll tell Finn how you feel and everything will work out just like it's supposed to.

Rae's Introduction to Dramatic Studies class was her first and longest class of the day and instead of watching Kenneth Branagh's film adaptation of Hamlet she watched the clock on the wall. The sound of the second hand's tick, tick, tick echoed around the room. The closer it got to 12:00, the slower the clock seemed to move and the faster her heart seemed to pound.

11:45… 11:49… 11:52…11:53… Right. Write a paper about the movie and blah, blah, blah… 11:59… Doom. I mean noon.

Rae slowly stood up from her desk, her breath already growing shallow at the mere thought of seeing Finn.

It's goin' to be awkward, there's no escapin' it. But just think about how brilliant it will be after!

Rae hadn't even realized her feet carried her to the union until she was standing at the main doors. She took a deep breath and pushed them open. She immediately felt a surge of relief as she took in the familiar scent of fried food and an assortment of different perfumes and colognes. It was a scent she'd grown fond of over her lunches with Finn because it reminded her of him.

Him. My Finn.

She made her way to their usual table and felt her heart drop instantly.

That's strange. He's always here first, savin' our table. Maybe he's sittin' somewhere else.

She walked around the union, searching for the familiar mop of brown hair but couldn't find him anywhere.

Maybe he's runnin' late. He did have a test today… But that was for Social Psych… Which is his next lecture…

She sat at their usual table so when he came he'd know where to find her. She was famished from her nearly three hour walk so she pulled out her sandwich and apple and started eating without him. By the time she was done eating it was nearly 12:45 and her mouth had gone dry. She'd taken to desperately glancing at the doors every time they opened, hoping she'd see him come bustling in, rapidly apologizing for being so late. That something important came up because there's no way he would have ditched their lunch.

It was 1:15 when the fire in her throat was too much to bear. She ran to the bathroom before anyone could see the tears in her eyes.

He's not comin'… He's just not comin'… How could… No. Somethin' must've happened, Rae. There's no way he wouldn't…

She quickly cleaned herself up and half ran to their parting place in between buildings 9 and 10 hoping she could catch him before his class. She was just about to give up and head into her lecture when she finally saw the relaxed gait of the boy who stole her heart. She could have sworn he paused for a millisecond when he saw her but kept walking like nothing happened.

"Oh, hey, Rae." His voice was distant, tired, and he had dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn't slept all weekend.

Jesus.

"Hey! I was worried about you. Why weren't you at lunch?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I forgot I had plans to meet Peter for lunch to study."

What? Had plans to meet Peter? We've had lunch together every day for the past month but suddenly you're eatin' with Peter?

"Oh, okay. Thought maybe something had happened to you." She tried to laugh like it was silly of her to even think that.

"Nope. Just lunch with Peter." He still hadn't met her eyes.

"Look, Finn-"

"I gotta get to my test. I'll see ya laters."

And he left, leaving Rae standing there openmouthed and a well of tears stinging her eyes.

Rae's sat through Victorian Lit in a haze. The words of her peers were muddled together with her own thoughts that she wasn't sure what was really said.

"Dickens wrote this novel as a way to challenge the Victorian ideal that vagrants and thieves are inherently evil. By showin' that Finn had lunch with Peter today instead of Rae shows that he thinks she's a terrible person and he clearly never wants to speak to her again."

What?

"He instead shows that the corrupt government is the cause of such wickedness. That a person isn't born with good or bad intentions, it's your circumstances that dictate your actions in life."

Oh. Jesus Christ, Rae. Pull yourself together. Finn doesn't hate you and you know that. Think of what happened after he tore off like that on Friday, you slept in his bed. Maybe he's just workin' himself up to do that again but with a bit more action this time.

The thought was petty and more than likely false, but it at the very least made Rae feel a bit better about their situation and for the first time since she walked into the union, she smiled to herself.

Finn was really nervous about his test so maybe he really did just need to study with Peter. Because if we would have met today, he probably wouldn't have gotten any studyin' done. He really didn't get that much done on Saturday at the café. And I'm sure he didn't get any done on Saturday night after… Jesus. A lot has happened since Friday hasn't it? Everything will be fine tomorrow at lunch. You'll see, Rae. You'll see.

This tiny glimmer of hope helped Rae get through the rest of day. When she made it back to her suite, she forced smiles when Chloe and Izzy berated her about her lunch with Finn.

"Rae!" Izzy squealed when she walked through the door. "How was lunch? Tell us everything!"

"Do we need to make popcorn?" Chloe chimed in. "Do we need to pop a bottle of champagne?"

"You guys are ridiculous." Rae faked a laugh. "We actually didn't get a chance to talk today."

"Did you two just get right down to business, then?" Chloe winked.

"Chloe!" Rae actually laughed that time. "No. I completely forgot he told me on Saturday that he'd be studyin' with Peter over lunch today, big exam and all that. So we're meetin' tomorrow."

"Oh," they both exclaimed.

"Are you okay with that, Rae?" Chloe questioned. "I mean, with waitin' another day? You didn't talk to him yesterday, or today, don't you think you should call him or go to his tonight?"

Rae knew she should talk to him tonight, hell she knew should she have tried harder to stop him from walking away on Saturday, but she didn't know if she could handle another conversation like the one they had outside class.

"Oh, uh, you know I would but they all have soccer club tonight so they won't be around…"

"Oh, that's right they do." Izzy agreed.

Phew.

"All right." Chloe was skeptical. "I just wanna make sure you're okay, ya know, uh, emotionally."

"Oh, Chlo." Rae said as she wrapped her arms around her friend. "I am. I promise. Everythin' will be better tomorrow."

It will be.

It wasn't.

Rae walked to the union for lunch on Tuesday with the same amount of optimism and confidence that carried her there yesterday just to be let down again by a lack of Finn. For the second day in a row she sat at their table by herself anxiously waiting for the waft of CK1 to meet her nose but it never did. For the second day in a row she ate her lunch with a tight throat and misty eyes. For the second day in a row Finn skipped their lunch.

Wednesday went much of the same way and it was then she realized he was avoiding her and it broke her heart. The tightness in her throat was finally too much to bear and she sobbed her way through lunch in the disabled toilet on the third floor of the union.

Why is he doin' this? Why is ignorin' me? He wouldn't even give me a chance to talk on Monday. I knew it was goin' to be awkward, but awkward enough to not talk at all? That's not like Finn. Granted he's not good with words but we both know I would have talked enough for the two of us. I have to know what's goin' on.

It was about 5 o'clock when Rae followed the winding route that lead to the house on Merle Hill. She knew Finn would be home, getting ready for soccer club, and she was hoping to knock out the conversation she desperately needed to have before he left. She knew she had a one in four chance of Finn being the one to answer the door and she had a good feeling that odds were going to be in her favor. She could feel it.

Knock. Knock.

Please be Finn. Please be Finn.

"Oh, hiya, Raemundo!" It was Chop.

Bollocks to your odds, Rae.

"Hiya, Chopper. Uh, is Finn home?"

Chop turned his head to the left to look into the lounge. Rae saw his head shake ever so slightly in a "no" pattern as if he was having a silent conversation with someone in the other room. She tried to peek inside to see who was there but Chop turned back to her before she could get a good look.

"Uh. Sorry, Rae. He went down the pitch already." He gave a small, sympathetic smile almost like he knew what was going on.

But his car is still here?

"Oh, okay. Is Archie here, then?"

"Sorry, love. He's gone with Finn."

That actually makes sense, his car isn't here.

"Oh, all right. Thanks, Chop."

"Any time, m'dear. You comin' to our game on Saturday, then?"

"Maybe. I might go home this weekend." She swallowed the lump in her throat.

"Oh, cool. Well if you decide not to, it's at 11 at Winnemac Park."

"Right. See ya, Chop." She smiled up him.

"Laters, Raemundo!"

She actually hadn't thought about going home until she said it. And once she did, she felt like it was the only thing that made any sense. She needed her mom's smile, Karim's hug, and Jazzy's laughter. She needed Kester, too, if she was being honest. The thought of seeing them was the only thing keeping her sane.

She'd taken to late nights in the library and early morning walks to avoid Chloe and Izzy's worried stares and constant questions. She loved them and she appreciated their concern for her but there was only one person she wanted to talk and it was the one person she couldn't talk to.

Chloe drove Rae to the train station early Saturday morning and asked if she was sure she didn't want her to just drive her home herself.

"I'm sure," Rae assured her. "I like the train. It's soothin'."

"Okay. Well, ring us for anythin'! You promise?"

"Chlo, I'm only going for the night!" Rae laughed.

"I know but I'm just worried about you, babe."

"I appreciate that. I do. But I'll be fine. I just need to get away and clear my head."

"I know." She reached across the center console and gave Rae a tight squeeze. "So I'll be here tomorrow to pick you up at 5:45, then. Yeah?"

"Yeah. Have fun at the match. Give the boys my love."

"I will."

"Laters."

"Bye, babe."

Rae wasn't lying when she told Chloe she liked taking the train. Infinitely different worlds pass by the windows of a speeding train. Tall, leafy trees blur into a majestic canvas of green that bounce off the blue of the sky in the most dreamlike way. Homes and shops filled with the most diverse mix of individuals possible, all with different stories to tell, dance across the ground to cadence of the chugging train. Being a passenger flashing through all these different worlds was a freedom of which she's never known. More times than she cares to admit, she wished she could just get on a train without a destination in mind. Just pick one of the passing towns, get off, and explore the new place in which she's found herself.

At hour three of her journey, Rae's body starts to feel the stiffness of being in the same position for so long and she's glad there's only about half an hour left. When she gets off the train in Peterborough, she sees her mom standing on the platform and she instantly feels the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders. Rae runs to her as she opens her arms for the embrace and immediately collapses into the warmth her mom's hug.

"Hello, my duck." Her mom says as she kisses the top her of head.

"Hi, mum." She sniffles.

"I've missed you so much." Linda soothes as she continues to stroke Rae's hair.

"I've missed you too, mum. And Jazzy and Karim. Are they here?" She asked, finally pulling away from her mom.

"No, they're at home. I wanted to have you all to myself for a little bit." She beamed at her first born.

"Thanks, mum." Rae smiled back to her mom.

It feels so good to be home. This is exactly what I needed.

"So," her mom started as she bent down to pick up Rae's overnight bag. "Tell me everythin', then."

"Jesus, where to begin?" Rae sighed.

Rae and her mom filled the tiny car with their lively voices on the 30 minute drive from Peterborough to Stamford. Her mom had oohed and awed at the appropriate moments and she almost crashed the car when she jerked her head towards Rae when she said Liam had come to campus to see her. Rae actually had to laugh because she still couldn't believe it happened, a whole week later and she still thought it was all a dream. When she was telling her mom about what was happening with Finn, she cried a bit more than she intended to but the two of them had come a long way together through Rae's recovery. It took her years to realize that her one true best friend was her mom. She was the one person Rae could tell anything to and she would never think any less of her for it. They saved each other's life in more ways than one. Rae loved and respected her not only because she was the woman who raised her but because she was the kind of woman she wanted to be.

"And that's where I'm at now." She said as she ended the saga of Finn. "I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to speak to me anymore."

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true, Rae. He's a 19-year-old boy. Just give him some time. I'm sure it was just as hard for him to see Liam as it was you to see him. It's not every day you bear your soul to the girl you love just for her ex-boyfriend to show up with some flowers."

"I know. It's just, he's my best mate, ya know? And he's not talkin' to me and it's hard. I just – Mum, where're ya goin'?" Rae asked as her mom took the wrong road home. "Are we not goin' home first?"

"Oh, no." Her mom answered bashfully.

Rae recognized the route they were taking and sure enough the aging wooden sign that read "Stamford Cemetery" appeared just past the large oak tree on the left side of the road.

"Mum-"

"I know you don't just want to talk to me about this. So I figured I'd drive you here, let you have your time, and then you can walk home whenever you're ready." Her mom smiled at her as she put the car in park next to the stone path that lead up to Tixy's resting place.

"How'd ya know?" Rae swiped at her eyes as the tears started falling again.

"How many times do I have to tell ya, Rae? A mother always knows." She winked at her. "Now, go. Take your time. We'll be at home whenever you get there."

"Thanks, mum." She whispered as she leaned over to give her mom a kiss on the cheek.

"Tell her I said, 'hello.'" She smiled back.

All Rae could do was nod.

She got out of the car, took a deep, steadying breath, and made her way up the stone path. When she got there, she let her memory guide her to the marble stone that read:

Tina Alexandria Withers
March 23, 1981 – November 29, 1997
Beloved daughter and loyal friend

Rae let her fingers trace across the cold stone before she sat in front of it. She admired all the gifts that were there, including the still slightly fresh flowers that must've been laid on Sunday past.

She looked at her friend's name for a long time before she finally spoke.

"Hi, Tixy. The flowers here are beautiful. Danny really took it to heart when ya told him ya like tulips, there's about two dozen here all in different colors. You'd love 'em." She laughed, imagining what Tixy's face would look like if she could see them.

"I'm sorry I'm so late. I was caught up in my own stuff for a while. Can ya forgive me? I need at least one of ya to. I'm a mess, Tixy, and I don't even know where to start. For the second time in my life I've lost my best friend and I could do nothing to stop it. I feel like the world has fallen out from under me and I feel like I can't catch my breath. It hurts to even try. Everythin' hurts. So much. I just don't understand how he could do that to me, Tix. How could he just abandon me like that and act like everythin' we've shared means nothin'? How do ya go from spendin' everyday together to bein' completely okay avoidin' them for a whole week and makin' up such stupid excuses not to see them? I don't understand how he thought that wouldn't hurt me. I can't even begin to think he did it on purpose but at the same time, it's all I can think about. That he's purposely doin' it, purposely tryin' to hurt me to soothe his own deflated ego."

Rae's tears were falling freely now and she let them.

"But that's not him. I know it's not. He's the kindest man I've ever met, which makes this hurt so much more. I want so badly to be angry with him but I can't bring myself to that. I told him things I've never told anyone, not even you, Tixy. I trusted him and I thought he trusted me. He told me he trusted me. How do you go from tellin' someone you're in love with them to not even bein' able to stand in the same room for more than a minute? Even if he doesn't love me anymore, he's still my best friend. I'd rather be in his life as just a friend than not be in his life at all. I can't imagine my life without him bein' in it, Tix, and I don't even want to try. I can't imagine not talkin' to him or listenin' to the sound of his laugh. I can't imagine not seein' his eyes light up when he smiles and I can't imagine not spendin' the rest of my life getting' to know him because there's still so much to learn. He's a good person, Tix, and I need good people in my life, even if they don't need me in theirs. For the first time since you left, I felt like someone actually understood me for who I was and not who they wanted me to be. I'm tryin' so hard to put up this façade for Chloe and Izzy and everyone but it's crumblin' with every passin' day where he doesn't talk to me. Is he even thinkin' about me? Is he missin' me like I'm missin' him? I really can't see how he could be if he's purposely not talkin' to me."

She tried to catch her breath before she continued but it was ragged and it hurt. She was practically screaming out her emotions now and it felt wonderful to finally get it all off her chest.

"This isn't fair, Tixy! None of it is! I can't talk to ya because you can't be here and I can't talk to him because he chooses not to be and I don't know which hurts me more."

She slumped against the headstone, the cool marble refreshing against her hot cheeks, as she continued to openly weep for her two lost friends.

"I miss ya so much, Tixy. So much. Why'd ya have to leave me like this, huh?'

She sat crying for a few minutes before she felt two strong hands on her shoulder bring her into a hug. At first she thought it was her mom or Karim but then she smelt the distinct scent of tobacco and CK1.

Finn.

She started sobbing even harder. Clutching his shirt and brining him closer to her, feeling the strength of his love cover her body whole.

"Shh…" He said tracing his fingers up and down her back. "Shhh. I'm here. I'm right here."