Sorry again for the delay. -.-
I sat in my third night shift staring down at the street leading to Alexandria. This one would be my last for now. Deanna had told me earlier that day, that my time in the tower was over after tonight. She still seemed angry but I couldn't care less. I hadn't seen Daryl for the past two days since Sasha came to the tower in the morning, just as she had promised. Daryl and me had parted in the middle of town without exchanging another word over my confession. When I woke up that afternoon, shaken by nightmares, I expected him to come around.
But he didn't.
I expected him, almost awaited him, last night in the tower.
Be he didn't come.
This afternoon, when tending my garden, I paused once in a while, eying the corner of the street, anticipating him to appear at the end.
But he didn't.
By now I was afraid he changed his mind about me and what I had done. Still, a part of me felt strangely satisfied with ending up right. Satisfied with being abandoned, being right about the assumption that no one could warm himself for a weak person like me. Especially not someone as strong as Daryl.
I eyed my watch. It was about 4 o'clock and by now I was sure, Daryl wouldn't turn up this night either. Half satisfied and half disappointed my eyes fell on a walker stumbling down the streets. I brought the rifle up and pressed it against my shoulder, imitating Daryl, focusing on my target through the scope, breathing quietly.
It took two shots to bring the biter down.
Yesterday night, I had to pull the trigger three times. Maybe Deanna was right, too. It was all about practice.
I woke from a nightmare again, suppressing a scream, my hands clutched over my mouth. Eying the ceiling, I tried to banish the memories from my mind, focusing on the present. While my breath was calming, I couldn't find the energy to get up. Pressed down by my fears, I wondered if Daryl had told anyone, now that he had abandoned me.
After a while I fought my way out of bed. Down in the kitchen I eyed the clock. It was twenty past two. I went through the kitchen cabinets looking for food. There wasn't much left. A trip to the supplies center would be necessary. But only the thought of meeting someone made me grid my teeth.
Again I asked myself if some people by now knew more about me and my past than I would want them to. I never should have trusted Daryl. I shook my head and started to boil some water for coffee. There was nothing left to do but tending the garden again. Me alone. That was all I ever wanted, right?
It was already dark outside and I eyed the small sprouts coming from the first bed suspiciously. My eyes flew over my notes again. Everything seemed alright so far. I turned for the new beds in which I had planted the seeds from the hardware store and garden market. My hand reached for the watering can and found it empty. The rain barrel was behind the house. My feet found their way easily despite the darkness. My mind wandered back to the hardware store, the moment Daryl had pulled me close in the janitor's closet. I remembered his heartbeat. Strong and steady.
I shook my head and filled the can.
When I returned to the garden, it wasn't empty any more. My heart jumped.
Daryl stood next to the fresh bed.
He was here.
Suddenly I had a lump in my throat. I had to force myself forward, towards the first bed. Daryl watched me silently while I swung the can slowly over the rows of fresh plantings. Why didn't he say something? Anything. I felt my throat tightening even more. I wanted to ask him where he had been the last nights, the last days. But I couldn't bring the words over my lips.
The can was empty again. All work was done. I stared down at the small shrubs, afraid to look at him.
Say something…
But Daryl just stood there, eying me. His eyes burning on my skin.
"Looks good." He cleared his throat. Hearing his voice was like a relief. I closed my hands quickly, pressing my nails into my palm, focusing.
"Want some tea?" I asked almost voiceless.
Daryl just nodded.
I put the watering can aside and slowly walked towards the front of the house. Daryl followed me close behind, always one step back.
Inside, I quickly went to the kitchen, starting to prepare the tea. Daryl sat down at the kitchen table, observing me. I was glad I could turn my back on him, glad I could occupy my trembling hands. But the time the water took to be heated was over too soon and with two cups in my hands I turned around and sat down on the chair across from him, shoving the cup in his direction without looking.
"It's still hot." I said unnecessarily.
He stared in his cup and we both kept this awkward silence. My fear grew with every minute till I was convinced he came here to say something bad, something about my weakness. I could almost hear the words in my mind.
You're weak, Emilia. A threat to others.
I clutched the cup tighter despite the heat which burned my fingers.
"The service is tomorrow morning." Daryl said quietly.
"You're going?" I asked.
"Are you?"
I shook my head quickly.
"Thought so." He took a careful sip from his tea.
I risked a glance from the corner of my eyes. His hair, unkempt as usual, hung in his face. His fingers around the cup were partly black, as if cleaned not properly. Maybe he had been working on the motorcycle again, I mused. Still he said no word and I didn't dare to ask the questions running through my mind. As long as he didn't say that he despised me for my uselessness, I was safe.
"You're from Europe?"
Confused about the question I nodded.
"Been a teacher?"
"Music and English…" I couldn't help, but raise my eyebrows.
But Daryl just nodded without explaining his questions. I always hated small talk. This unnecessary exchange of words and phrases without deeper meaning or even information. Beside my fear, I could feel anger. If he got to say something, he could just spit it out.
Daryl raised his cup again, gulping down the hot tea at once. Then he almost jumped from his chair.
"Better get going…" he mumbled.
"Yeah, I need to sleep anyway." I was on my feet in an instant. My heart beating in my throat, telling myself I couldn't blame him for despising me.
We left the kitchen and I accompanied him to the front door silently. Daryl went out without another word. Indecisively I stood in the door.
"So, that's it?" I heard myself say, surprised. Suddenly I needed to know. I wanted to get over with it. He made me face my worst fear and then abandoned me. I could deal with that. I had to. But I needed to know. Clear cut.
Daryl turned and eyed me, the hands in his pockets. I could tell, he didn't know what I was referring to.
"Why didn't you come to the tower the last nights?" My voice was trembling.
His face was unreadable, as usual, driving me crazy. He eyed me from the last stair of the porch, our faces on same height.
Please say something… get over with this…
But Daryl just shrugged. And I could feel a crack running through my heart.
"I see." I whispered.
I wanted to turn round, but somehow, with the pain and anger rushing through me, I felt a strength which I thought I had lost long ago. A strenght from the old days. From the time, when you felt invincible, indestructible, before the world taught you better.
"You don't have to come here and check on me anymore." I said, my eyes burning. "I understand why you or anyone wouldn't like to be around me. I really do…"
"That's not the point…" Daryl raised an eyebrow.
"Then what it is?" I almost yelled, feeling the tears building up behind my eyes. "What's the point in making me tell my fears, my pain and my crimes? Why make me believe you care? What is the fucking point!"
"Never said I didn't…"
If my heart wasn't beating that loud, I might could have heard the nerves in my brain snap. I wrung my hands through my hair, rolling my eyes. His cold passiveness made me wanna punch him.
"This is insane!" I crossed my arms in front of my chest. "You made me confess and open up and tell my fears… and then you just leave…"
Daryl stepped on the next stair, coming closer again.
"I didn't leave." He said roughly. "I am right here."
"And the days before?" I pursed my lips like a stubborn child.
"Had to do some thinking…"
"Thinking about what?"
"'bout," he made an empty gesture, looking away, "this. You."
"Oh." Suddenly I was afraid again, my anger vanishing like the air from a balloon. I tensed, my hands, clutched into fists, hidden under my arms. I tried to prepare myself for whatever might follow. But Daryl kept silent.
"Daryl," I whispered, "it's ok if you can't bear the sight of me after I told you what I did. But you have to tell me. I cannot read your mind… It's ok if…"
"It's not like that." He interrupted me harshly, his eyes still avoiding my face. "I don't know…I just can't keep away… from you…"
My heart jumped in my throat and exploded. All the tenseness left my body and suddenly I was made of jelly. My mouth gaped open.
The little sentence could have had so many meanings but my head had already decided for one. It was all I needed to bring the butterflies back in my stomach, the dizziness back in my head. The little sentence had to mean… more. Something positive.
Without further thinking, I rushed forward, laid both of my hands on his stubble covered cheeks and forced his face around to me. Before he could pull back or intervene, I laid my lips on his softly.
Oh God…
It only lasted a second.
Daryl flinched back, his whole body tense, his eyes wide.
Oh…
"Sorry." I mumbled out of breath, my eyes wide in shock because of the look on his face. He looked panicked.
"I wasn't thinking." I whispered, pain spreading from my heart through my veins.
I took a step back since he didn't respond. Well, seems I got it all wrong again. Color rushed in my cheeks and in small steps I retreated towards the door. Daryl didn't move, his hands clenched to fists, slightly trembling. God, this was bad…
My foot hit the threshold and my hand searched for the door, somewhere in my back.
"Sorry." I whispered again, feeling incredible stupid. Why couldn't the earth open up beneath me and swallow me whole?
I was already inside and pushed the door close. I couldn't look at him any longer. I was certain, I never had felt so ashamed in my whole life. I couldn't imagine to ever look him in the eye again. I ran up the stairs, straight into my bedroom and started to cry again. I couldn't help it, the tears just kept coming.
The look on his face when he pushed back from me. His eyes. God, this is bad.
In the past few days I had cried more than in the rest of my life. All because of him. My hands clenched into fists and punched down on the blanket. Helplessly bringing them down over and over again, full of hate for myself.
I don't want to be weak…
After hours as it seemed my tears went dry and I felt exhausted from all the crying. Turning on my back, I stared up to the ceiling.
That's it…
I told myself.
You count till five and then you get up and pull yourself together.
1… I am not weak.
2… I am not weak.
3… I am…
My lips started shivering again. I brought my fist down on the bed, inhaled a deep breath and closed my eyes. Calmness overcame me. Deadly numbness.
I swung my legs over the rim of the bed and got up. My feet automatically made their way across the room towards the bathroom door. Inside, I ran a comb through my hair, scrubbed my face until it was red, brushed my teeth; all movements made mechanically, without thinking, as if pulled by invisible strings. I stared at the face in the mirror. My eyes swollen and unnaturally big from all the crying.
Who are you?
I put my pyjamas on, returned to the bedroom and lit a candle. Then I pulled my phone from the night table. With still slightly trembling fingers I pressed shuffle and turned the volume to maximum. The music screamed into my ears, killing the sounds of my own thoughts just as I intended. I closed my eyes and tried to lose myself in the noise. Still I couldn't ban picture of Daryl from my memory. I pressed my eyes together and gritted my teeth, desperately trying to think of something else.
Suddenly one of the earphones was ripped from my left ear.
Appalled my eyes flew open.
Daryl stood next to the bed, the cable of the earphones between his fingers, his face unreadable, half in the shadows, half lit by the candle.
Again heat was crawling into my cheeks. I sucked in a deep breath, pulled myself up and leaned against the back of the bed. Unsure what to make of this, I crossed my arms.
"What?" I pressed out between my teeth and quickly pulled the earphone back from his hands.
Daryl stared at a point next to my head. He seemed insecure, almost shy. It was hard for me to look at his face. After a moment he sat down on the edge of the bed, his back turned on me. The lump was back in my throat again.
"You surprised me." He said roughly. "On the porch."
If he was anticipating an answer to that, I wasn't doing him the favor. If that was all he was here for, he better had stayed away. My fingernails dug into my arms, the pressure and pain calming me down a little.
"I wasn't expecting…" Daryl went on but his voice trailed off.
Yeah, I got that…
Daryl kept silent, his hands constantly smoothing down his pants over his knees. He must be really uncomfortable.
"Didn't want to be rude…" he whispered.
I wanted to yell at him, grab his shoulders and shake him, scream into his face, that he kept breaking my heart with his words, his presence and his stupid behaviour. Why he couldn't just leave? Why he had to come back? My fingernails dug deeper into the flesh of my arm. Daryl kept silence. My eyes fell on his hands which were constantly moving, fumbling around. This seemed to be hard for him.
I closed my eyes for a brief moment, released a long breath.
Sighting, my hands reached for the night stand next to him, grabbing The Lord of the Flies. Daryl's head slightly followed the movement. I leaned back and opened up the cover and searched through the pages. Starting with a deep sigh I read on. After a few lines I felt my pulse calming down. Maybe this was all we were sharing, this book or the whole reading thing. Maybe this was all there was ever going to be. Maybe this was as far as I could get with him. I should learn to deal with that.
Daryl seemed to relax, too. The movement of his hands stopped and after a few pages he bent down and reached for the laces of his shoes. I frowned. Daryl pulled off his shoes and then, after shortly hesitating he swung his legs on the bed and pushed back his back against the bed, sitting next to me, but still avoided looking at me. My voice stumbled over a few words as he was suddenly sitting so close again.
Deal with it…
I read on and on. Pretending I couldn't feel his shoulder softly touching mine, while my heart kept beating with incredible force. I took the book in my right hand and run my fingers over my eyes. Just for a second. Just to concentrate again.
Breathe in. Deal with it…
Holding the book up with my right, my left hand fell down on the blanket. I read on when all of a sudden, I could feel one of his fingers tenderly touching mine. I stalled, thinking it must have happened unintentionally, then went on quickly. But Daryl's fingers tenderly stretched out over my hand, making me feel the moisture creeping into my eyes again. I focused on the words, blending out everything around me, afraid to look anywhere else but the letters on the page in front of me. I could feel his eyes on my face. I could feel his fingers closing around my hand. I couldn't breathe.
Then his other hand reached for my chin, his fingers softly turning my face away from the book. My voice trailed off, my whole face on fire. Slowly my eyes wandered up to his, still too afraid to breathe. My pulse rushed through my ears, deafening me. All I could hear was my own heartbeat. All I could see were these incredible blue eyes. I drowned in them as Daryl's face slowly came closer.
His lips brushed softly against mine.
This time I gasped.
I wasn't prepared for the sensation spreading through my body. Tiny lightning bolts running through every fibre of my system, leaving my muscles slack. And this was just the beginning, the first tiny contact.
The next second Daryl leaned in and fully pressed his mouth on mine. The hand on my cheek pulled me closer. My heart exploded as his lips started moving, forcing my mouth open. Though soft and gentle, the kiss became rougher and more demanding, his beard stubbles itching my skin. I couldn't move, my head was empty.
Daryl suddenly stopped. He leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes, his fingers softly stroking my cheek. I couldn't breathe and mind was out of control.
"Told ya was just surprised." His voice was low and rough.
Slowly he pulled away from me, and slipped down, stretching his legs out.
"What are you doing?"
"Gettin' more comfortable."
My head was spinning. I was so confused by the kiss I didn't protest as he grabbed my ankle and pulled me down on my back. Our heads rested on the pillow, face to face we stared at each other.
"You're not going to run now, aren't ya?"
I shook my head unable to speak. Daryl worked his arm under my neck, pulling me closer, forcing my head against his chest.
"Good." His arm was firmly around my waist, pressing me against his side.
I still felt paralyzed, afraid to move, afraid to speak. My heart hammered against my chest. It had all happened so fast. Thoughts ran through my head, voices screamed inside my mind. Was he spending the night? No way I would be able to sleep with him being so close. I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him again. Would he flinch again? I was too afraid to try. I didn't even dare to ask what this was heading to. Maybe he would leave then.
After what seemed like an eternity I felt able to move again. Slowly I was sitting up, lifting his arm from my side and moved to the edge of the bed.
"What you doing?" his voice sounded sleepy.
"Killing the light." I whispered and blew out the candle.
When I turned back I slipped under the blanket forcing him to do the same. I stayed at the edge of the bed, lying there all tensed, my eyes fixed at the ceiling, my lips pressed together. My breath was out of control, as was my heart beat.
"Get over here!" Daryl said. His arm reached over and he roughly pulled me close to him again. I felt like a tiny puppet in his arms. He rolled on his side, wrapping his arm around me, resting his head on mine. This was so weird, like a dream, not like reality.
"I can't sleep." I whispered after a while.
"Why not?"
"Don't know."
He pushed himself up a little, looking at me. The night was so bright, I could see every detail of his face.
"Want me to leave?"
"No!" I said quickly. "I am just not… used being so close to someone."
"Me neither."
He eyed me for a second, then laid down again. His hand reached for my face, his thump stroking my cheek. I relaxed a bit.
"You give me a lot of confusing signs." I said.
"I'm not good in this." He answered after a long pause, not looking into my eyes.
"In what?"
"Talking…"
I pushed myself up to my elbows, now looking down on him and all the fear and pain from the last days were back.
"But I need… something! I don't know what this is. I need clarification. Everything else is just terrifying me!" my voice became louder. "I don't know what I am supposed to do, I'm even afraid to move because I don't know what you're up to, or if you will be running off when I touch you. Or maybe tomorrow you decide you need some time for thinking again. Or you just find out what a stupid, worthless person I am… Or…"
"Hold on!" Daryl interfered. "What a bullshit."
"Excuse me?" I looked at him in disbelieve. "I'm trying to communicate my feelings…"
"You're thinking too much. Your head'll explode filled with all that shit."
My mouth dropped open.
Daryl's hand closed around my arm, trying to pull me down again. I struggled, but he was too strong and my head fell back on the pillow next to him.
"This is…" I tried to protest in anger but he put his fingers on my lips.
"Shhhh." He said, his face coming closer. "I'm here. And I'm not going nowhere. Count on that."
He pulled his finger away but before I could voice any more protest his lips laid over mine silencing my voice. My hand reached up for his chest, tried to push him, but he caught it and pressed it down on the blanket. He moved even closer and pressed my body down with his, his lips moving roughly, his knee forcing his way between my legs. A little gasp escaped my throat. I could feel Daryl's lips stretching to a small smile. He lifted his head a bit, looking deeply into my eyes.
"You're done flipping out?"
Instead of an answer my free hand grabbed his neck and pulled his face down again. Eagerly my lips touched his, my hand slit down his back, pressing him down on me while I bent my hips up. The kiss became even more exciting as the ones before. My blood rushed through my veins, my whole body was full of sensation, his touch caused little electric bolts running from head to toe making me longing for more.
But Daryl softly pulled way, looking deeply into my eyes.
"Gonna do this right." He whispered, his fingers softly stroking my hair. All of a sudden he seemed shy again. I wasn't sure what he meant, but I nodded slightly. Daryl pulled me close again and pressed my head against his chest.
"Better sleep now."
"Yeah. As if I could after that kiss." I rolled my eyes.
He chuckled. I've never heard or seen him laugh before. His chest was slightly trembling from laughter. I relaxed a bit.
"I like the sound of that." I whispered.
"Of what?"
"Your laugh."
He didn't respond, just pulling me even closer. I could hardly breath.
Sleep wouldn't come so I laid awake listening to Daryl's steady heartbeat. It was a good sound. Alive. Reassuring.
