Chapter 9

Abby stayed with Tim all that night, not sleeping much. She waited while he had his CT scan. She couldn't remove the sight of Tim bleeding on the floor from her mind. It was as if she herself had hit him. It was as if the pain she had caused by her infidelity had been reinflicted, translated from heartache to headache but without removing the emotional pain. It was bad enough that Tim had to deal with what she had done but this...

Abby looked at Tim as he slept fitfully on the hospital bed. They had come in a couple of times during the night and awakened Tim to test his responses. He had been sluggish and complained of a headache and some dizziness. Then, when they left, he had slept again. Abby had dozed, but every time Tim had stirred, she had started out of her sleep and stared at him, anxious to see how he was doing.

Now, it was morning and she wanted both to stay here and be with Tim and to go to NCIS to make sure Vance knew why she wasn't there, why Tim wasn't there, what had been done to him and by whom.

"I love you, Tim," Abby whispered to her slumbering husband, not wanting to wake him and bring him back to the nightmare his life had become. "I'm so sorry."

"You might try that when he is conscious, Abigail," Ducky said softly from behind her.

Abby turned around and instantly felt the tears in her eyes.

"I don't know if he'd believe me anymore, Ducky," she said. "And I wouldn't blame him. I've screwed up really bad this time."

"I'm aware of that. You are not the only one, however. Others are culpable."

"But if it weren't for me, none of this would have happened at all."

"True enough, but perhaps, rather than dwelling on your error, you could focus, instead, on the one who is most hurt by what you have done and what has happened as a result."

"But, Ducky, I–"

Ducky continued, stopping her gently but firmly. "Admission of guilt is well and good and a requirement, certainly, but confession is not enough. Anyone can make an admission, can even do so with no intention of changing. Look at many of the politicians and celebrities in this country. Admission of guilt has come to mean very little. True penitence requires changing one's behavior...and that which motivated one's behavior."

"But I don't know why I did it, Ducky!" Abby almost wailed, before remembering to keep her voice down.

Ducky smiled knowingly. "Then, perhaps you should make a genuine effort to discover your own motivations. Unless you can truly tell me that you were not in control of your faculties at the time, you need to determine just what guided your actions. And you must be ready to confront a side of yourself you may wish to deny."

"Why do you say that, Ducky?"

"Because, my dear, whatever impulse or desire guided you, it cannot have been a positive one."

Abby swallowed and nodded reluctantly.

"Now, would you like a ride to NCIS?"

"Oh, no...I can't leave Tim alone...not while he's asleep. He won't want to wake up alone. I've done so much wrong, Ducky! I can't mess up here!"

"I will wait if you would like me to," Ducky said calmly.

Abby nodded, biting her lip and looking at Tim who still slept.

"I want to make everything better, Ducky...but I can't."

Now, Ducky opened his arms, inviting a hug. Abby sniffled and hugged him tightly.

"No, you can't, my dear...but the good thing is that you've realized it. Now, you can go about fixing what is possible and leaving the rest to time to heal. Some things need time more than anything else."

"How did you get so smart, Ducky?" Abby asked, her voice muffled in his shoulder.

"I've lived a long time...and seen the best and worst humanity has to offer. It tends to help one gain perspective."

Abby smiled, laughed a little and settled beside Ducky to await Tim's awakening.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs sat, staring at his boat. He had started a new one only a few weeks ago. ...but right now, he had no interest in working on it. He wasn't used to being home at this time of day...and for the reason he was. He'd never been suspended. Over the years, Gibbs knew he'd edged over the line of legality a time or two, but always in the service of the greater good and while his superiors had occasionally grumbled, they'd never disciplined him for it.

Now, however...

...but it wasn't Vance's face that kept appearing in his mind. It wasn't Tony's worried expression, confessing his fears. It wasn't Ducky's anger and censure. ...and to his surprise, it wasn't even Abby's angry and grief-stricken expression as she had realized why Gibbs had hit Tim. No, it wasn't any of those faces.

It was Tim's face. Not after Gibbs had hit him. No, it was before that. That split second as Tim had come into the lab, expression open, even a bit amused, perhaps. Suspecting nothing. Thinking only that his boss needed him for something. That was all he had expected. That was all. ...and what he'd gotten was a lot more than a punch to the face.

Gibbs took a breath. Contrary to what Vance and Ducky might be thinking, he did feel quite a bit of guilt for what had happened. He wasn't used to being so...so wrong. What had Ducky called it? Favoritism. Gibbs knew he had a weakness when it came to Abby. He cared deeply for her. As different as they were from each other, they had been close friends since she had begun working at NCIS. He had always made a point of watching out for her. He tolerated things from her that he'd never tolerate from anyone else. ...and if something went wrong...Abby wasn't to blame. Had he ever blamed her for anything? Thinking back, he couldn't remember a single time.

Gibbs and Abby never made mistakes. It was always someone else's fault.

...and yet, Gibbs logically knew that wasn't true because no one was perfect, not him and not even Abby. ...but that didn't seem to matter.

Still, Tim's face wouldn't leave his mind. A man who was dealing with something Gibbs himself had dealt with in the past. An agent who had done everything asked of him during his tenure. A person who had never given anyone the slightest cause to think he'd do something so heinous as abuse his wife. He had come into the lab, almost smiling, and in a moment, Gibbs had made his life go from bad to much, much worse.

What am I going to do with myself? Gibbs wondered. Forced inactivity was something he'd never suffered well...and he had no choice in that now. Vance was unlikely to be moved by a complaint of boredom. ...and Gibbs wasn't going to bare his soul to just anyone. It was private. Emotions weren't meant to be on display. You dealt with them on your own time.

Just as Tim had been trying to do but wasn't allowed to do.

With a deep breath and a sigh, Gibbs rubbed a hand through his hair and wondered if there was any way of fixing this mistake.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim woke up feeling miserable, achy, unhappy and nearly every other unpleasant adjective. He shifted uncomfortably on the bed and tried to find a position that would allow him to escape his misery.

He failed.

Then, there was a gentle hand, caressing his bruised jaw.

"Tim?"

Abby. Tim felt the now-usual anguish that accompanied the thought of his wife. ...but she was here. She hadn't left him. Not at all that he could remember. He had some vague flashes of her yelling at Gibbs...but he couldn't be sure he hadn't been imagining that.

"Tim, are you awake?"

Tim opened his eyes. Abby was right there. He dredged up a smile from somewhere inside him.

"I'm awake."

"Feeling any better?"

"Can I sleep on my own bed tonight? Hospital beds suck."

Abby smiled but he could see that she was worried about him. He started to sit up but Ducky appeared from somewhere and gently urged him to lay back.

"You should remain still until the doctor comes to clear you."

"Why?"

"Because you don't want to risk causing more damage."

Tim's smile faded almost to nothing. "How much more damage could there be, Ducky? I mean, really...for the things that matter, what more could go wrong?"

Ducky's responding smile was sympathetic. "A lot, believe it or not. Just rest. You will likely be released today; so don't rush it."

"Okay."

Abby hugged Tim quickly. "I'm going to stay until we find out what's going to happen and then I'm going to go to work and see how much time we can get off."

"We? Abby, you don't need to take time off for this," Tim said.

"You had mentioned that maybe we should take some time to ourselves before, Tim," Abby said, her face scrunching up.

Tim remembered that now. "Oh...right."

"Don't worry, lad. This happens often with concussions, and yours was fairly severe."

Gibbs. Tim felt his heart plummet into his stomach.

"Yeah...Gibbs hits pretty hard, doesn't he..." Tim winced as a stabbing pain coursed through his head.

"Tim?"

"Just a headache, Abby. When will the doctor get here?"

"As soon as we call him," Abby said and pushed the call button. "They woke you up so much during the night that I didn't want to wake you before I had to."

Tim didn't remember that. "Someone woke me up?"

"A few times."

"Why?"

"To ask you questions, make sure you could answer them."

"What kinds of questions?" Tim asked.

"Your name, the year, things like that."

"Did I pass?"

Abby smiled and nodded. "With flying colors. Of course."

"Shouldn't I remember that?"

"Memory loss is not uncommon when one is suffering from a concussion, Timothy," Ducky said.

"Definitely," said the doctor as she entered the room. "Good morning, Mr. McGee. How are you feeling?"

"Terrible."

"Care to unpack that a bit?"

"In what way?" Tim asked, a little irritated by the chipper attitude of his doctor.

"You still have a headache?"

"Yes."

The doctor leaned over and took out a penlight. Tim saw the flashes of light in his eyes.

"Dizziness?"

"Some."

"Any nausea?"

"A little. I'm not going to throw up or anything."

"Good."

"I don't remember people waking me up last night. Should I be worried?"

"Not overly. Any parts of your past that are blank?"

Tim thought back. His past, particularly his recent past was horribly clear to him.

"No. Not that I've noticed."

"Then, I wouldn't worry about it too much. We got back the results of your CT scan and they show no signs of bleeding. That's a good thing, but that doesn't mean you're out of the woods yet. I'm still concerned about your two moments of lost consciousness. So, we're going to release you today, but you are not to spend time on your own. Not at all."

Tim sat up and then put his hand to his head as it started to spin and ache at the same time. Abby was right beside him.

"...but..." That was all he managed to get out.

"Mr. McGee, sometimes, the worst symptoms take time to develop, and we have no way of predicting whether they will or not. That makes it impractical to keep you here, but it would be irresponsible to simply let you leave. You must have someone with you, and for the next 48 hours, I want your wife to wake you during the night every three hours or so and make sure that you have no dangerous symptoms developing. If you experience any muscle weakness, seizures, convulsions, a headache that doesn't go away or worsens dramatically, you need to come back in and let us re-evaluate your status. The last thing you want is to have permanent brain damage because you refused to get care for yourself. So let us do our job and you do what you're told. Understand?"

Tim nodded and then wished he didn't as his head began spinning again. He needed Abby's support more than he wanted to admit.

"All right. We need to get a last checkup on you and then you'll be discharged...into someone's care."

Tim smiled. "Yeah, I understand."

"Good. It will probably take some time before we can get everything done, but you'll be released by noon."

Abby nodded. "Tim, I should go to NCIS and talk to Director Vance, let him know."

The doctor smiled. "I'll let you all figure out your schedules. We'll get someone in here as soon as possible."

"Thanks," Abby said.

After the doctor was gone, Ducky smiled at Tim. "Director Vance has already said that you both are welcome to take whatever leave time you need to effect Timothy's recovery."

Tim's eyes opened wide. "Does he–?"

"He does not know the reason for all that has gone on. He knows only that Tony and Jethro had invalid suspicions. I told him that it was not my story to tell."

Tim dropped his gaze, feeling humiliated at the reminder of what had happened...and why.

"Thanks, Ducky," he whispered, feeling tears in his eyes. He wiped them away angrily. "I shouldn't be crying about this. It's so...so stupid."

"No, lad. This is an awful thing you're going through. You have every right to be upset."

"How many other people were thinking the same thing? How many others think that I beat my wife?" Tim asked, trying to hold back the tears. "How many people I thought were my friends think that I am capable of abuse? How many?"

"No one, Tim," Abby said. "No one would think that. Not really!"

Tim shook his head and then winced at another stabbing pain. "Then, how could Tony...and Gibbs...and even Ziva...how could they think that I could do that to you? How?"

"I don't know," Abby said miserably. "I really don't know. They should know you better than that."

"I can't answer that either, Timothy, not with any certainty. You will have to ask them."

"No," Tim said, feeling bitterness take over. "No. I don't want to hear whatever stupid excuses they have for thinking that about me. You can tell them that when you get there."

"Actually, Jethro won't be there. He has been suspended indefinitely for his assault on you."

"What?" Tim asked in shock. "Suspended?"

"Yes. Indefinitely. I believe that the Director wishes to speak to the two of you before determining how long the suspension will last and what other consequences he will face."

"He's not going to be fired?" Tim asked.

"Not that I'm aware, but I am not privy to the thoughts of Director Vance...except for those he wishes to share with me."

"Do you want him fired, Tim?" Abby asked.

"I...I don't know what I want, Abby. I don't know!" Tim heard his own voice rise suddenly and then he felt another wash of pain and he closed his eyes tightly. "Everything is so... It's all so crazy...insane. I don't know what to say, what to do. I don't know what I should feel about it." He pressed his palms to his temples. "It's...it's just wrong. That's all. It's wrong. This wasn't my fault!"

Abby hugged Tim tightly. "No, it wasn't your fault! It was wrong and I was wrong and Gibbs and Tony were wrong. They were all wrong! It's not your fault!"

"Then, why did this happen?" Tim asked. "Why?"

Ducky sighed. "I don't know, Timothy. I wish I could tell you."

Tim let Abby hug him for a few minutes and then he pulled back.

"I'm okay. Go and do what you need to do. I won't leave the hospital without you." He tried a smile. "Promise."

Abby smiled, too...but she looked ready to cry.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Go. Just come back because I'm going to need a ride home."

"I'll come back, Tim. I promise."

"Then, I'll wait."

Abby nodded vigorously and then left with Ducky. After they were gone, Tim leaned back on the bed and felt the tears. He didn't bother to wipe them away. What would be the point? He was alone right now...and all he could remember was how quickly everything he had thought he knew about himself, about his position at NCIS, about the people he worked with...everything had been thrown into a spin cycle, leaving him confused, hurt and angry.

"If it's not my fault, then why am I the one suffering for it?" he asked the empty room.

There was no response.