Chapter 9:
Killian sat on the couch, bewildered by what had just happened. Everything had been going perfectly and then suddenly...it wasn't. It didn't take more than a moment or two for him to gather his wits about him, standing up from the couch. One of the perks of living together was that there wasn't really anywhere to run. He followed the hallway back to her bedroom pausing momentarily before knocking. "Emma. Emma, open the door."
"Go away. I don't want to talk to you."
"We're never going to clear up whatever misunderstanding we're clearly having if you won't. Running away doesn't really seem like the most prudent option at the moment."
"Maybe I don't want to clear it up and there's not any misunderstanding. You said that you're going to remove yourself as my bodyguard. I believed in you." Suddenly everything clicked into place and he was desperate to get to her. He grabbed the doorknob and turned, hoping upon hope that she had unlocked it. Although he knew it was highly unlikely.
"Emma love. Please open the door. You have it all wrong."
"I told you to go away Killian and I mean it. I'll come out and talk to you when I'm good and ready. I don't want to hear anything you have to say right now." He wanted to stay but experience had told him that he wasn't very likely to get very far with her when she was angry.
"Fine love. I suppose you know where to find me when you decide you want to grow up and deal like this as an adult. As it were I seem to recall getting a bit of a scolding from you earlier for running away. Apparently you find it a more prudent option when it's you that is upset."
Before she had a chance to respond he walked away, annoyed at the turn of events. His feet headed towards the deck without his even thinking about it. It had always been where he went when he was upset or simply needed to think, something he desperately needed to do now. While his first instinct when figuring out her through process was to get to her to explain it when she refused him the opportunity it morphed into something different. Something he was less comfortable with. Anger. Earlier when he felt she was saying that she was tired of him it was hurt but this time it was very clearly anger simmering just underneath the surface. Where it was coming from exactly he wasn't sure but he knew the tell tale signs in his body. The way that he wanted to start walking and never stop, the way he felt like he was about to jump out of his skin. He wasn't sure that it was all due to Emma but he knew a good part of it was. He stared out at the water, taking deep breaths as he tried to get control over his emotions. In just a few minutes the anger simmering beneath the surface dissolved. He wasn't happy but he was in control of himself. It may have been a good thing after all that she hadn't wanted to talk to him, although if she would have just spoken with him in the first place he may not have gotten so upset to start with.
"Killian?" He turned to see her standing there, anger still written all over her face.
"Aye."
"Well I'm ready to hear it now. So why don't you tell me all about how I have all of this wrong. That you're not planning on quitting your job and abandoning me just as you got me to open up and trust you."
"Perhaps I will love but why don't you drop the attitude first."
"Excuse me. You're the one that upset me and you think you're going to talk to me like that?"
"I think that if I'm going to have a conversation with an adult I'm going to have a conversation with an adult, not someone throwing a tantrum. Besides I'm not the one that ran away making all kinds of assumptions instead of just asking a simple question. I am not in the wrong here love and I'm not about to grovel for forgiveness that I don't require."
"You don't even care that you hurt me?"
"I didn't hurt you love. Your assumptions hurt you and they hurt me. But if you'd care to hear the real truth instead of the wild assumptions that your mind came up I'm willing to clear the air." She didn't speak, instead opting to cross her arms and shift on her feet, indicating that at the very least she was ready to hear him out.
"I am planning on resigning as your bodyguard. Never once did I say that I was leaving you."
"Yes, you did."
"No love. Never once. I'm going to resign my position as your bodyguard when the trial is done. That was what I said. Leaving you wasn't anywhere in that statement."
"Well then what did you mean by that then?" While her arms hadn't uncrossed her posture had softened and he could see the uncertainty on her face. Somehow she had been convinced of the fact that he had said that he was leaving her even if the words had never left his mouth. Her insecurities ran that deep. Still his frustration lingered at the fact that twice in one day her walls had left them in a place where they were at odds.
"I simply meant that you and I have been growing close. Or at least I thought that we were. It seems I may have misjudged that part."
"Give me a break Killian. That doesn't have anything to do with you leaving or not leaving, although if you were leaving I'd say that you weren't that concerned with the fact that we were getting closer."
"I get paid as your bodyguard Swan. I draw a paycheck every day that I'm with you and I don't want to be being paid to be in a relationship with my wife, especially if it's going to be a more intimate relationship."
"Just say it clear."
"Fine. I thought I was but if you need the words to be completely blunt you're not a hooker Emma and I'm not going to treat you like one. I don't want you to ever feel like what I feel for you isn't real or genuine. I don't want you to worry that I'm not in this completely. How do you trust that I'm with you for you if I'm drawing a paycheck? So I simply won't draw a paycheck anymore."
"Won't they need to hire a new bodyguard then?"
"No. I'm still a police officer. I'm still trained to care for you. I just won't be getting paid for it." She nodded and bit her bottom lip between her teeth as she moved her eyes to the floor.
"So you were never going to leave?"
"No." He turned back to the water leaving her to stare at his back.
"So you're mad then. Killian I just freaked out. We were getting close and you put the breaks on. What was I supposed to think?"
"If you seriously think that trying to defend yourself to me by getting me to feel bad for being angry I would really rethink that."
"Or what." He sighed, turning back to her. "Will it always be this hard Emma?"
"What do you mean?"
"I get that you've had a rough past okay. I understand. You're not used to being able to trust people. You're not used to be able to rely on people. I try to be really understanding about that but this is exhausting. Stepping over land mines, leaping over hurdles that I didn't even know were there."
"So it's too much." His hand came up and he ran it through his hair, weariness settling onto his face.
"I'm not looking for an escape route Emma. I...I don't know how clear you need me to make it. I've told you that you're my family. I've told you I want a relationship with you. I don't even know how much more clearly I could let you know that I want you. I want to keep you safe and I want to spend my life with you. I'll even be in marketing so I can provide for you. So we don't have to rely on my salary as a cop to make sure our relationship isn't dictated by Robert Gold. But I can't always be trying to prove myself."
She stepped forward, taking his side by the railing of the deck. Her eyes scanned the waters sparkling in front of her, and the birds chirped overhead.
"I don't know what you want me to say. I could have sworn we had this conversation already. I can't be someone else."
"Who's asking you to be? I'm asking you to trust me. To put faith in me and not worry about what people did in the past because it's not fair to me to have to atone for their sins. You wanna go for a walk?"
The shift in conversation threw her for a loop but she recovered quickly, nodding and taking the hand that he held out to her. Quietly they descened the steps that led to the beach and walked along the shore front. Although they had been fighting, and it probably wasn't done yet, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore put everything on hold. All talk of fairness and what they could or couldn't give of themselves was put on hold to walk in silence comfortably. For Killian it was second nature, finding solace in the water. He was stunned by the fact that it seemed to have the same affect on Emma. He had found her out on the deck morning after morning, blanket over her shoulders and a cup of coffee in hand. Sometimes it was almost noon and sometimes the sun was just coming up over the water, bathing her in a multicolored glow. Always she looked at peace. They walked until they reached an alcove and he lowered himself to the sand, tugging her hand to indicate for her to do the same.
"So do we fight more now?"
"Is that what you want to do Emma? Fight? Do you want to fight me to see how far you'd have to push to get me to go?" She gazed out at the water knowing that he was right. Fighting felt natural to her. Particularly fighting to preserve herself.
"I'm not going to apologize for being a strong woman Killian."
"You think that this is what strength is? Emma, strength is what you were when we were in that interrogation room and even though you were exhausted you recounted what you saw that night over and over again. Strength is what you were every time you've been pushed to go past your comfort zone and you've pushed back refusing to allow yourself to be used. You are a strong woman Emma but it has nothing to do with your ability to fight. Be strong enough to trust me. You think I don't know it's against everything your inner voice tells you to do?"
"So why are you pushing it then? You said not being out of my comfort zone made me strong. So why are you trying to do it. I'm not asking for anything Killian. I'm just asking for you not to be angry that I jumped to a conclusion that was incorrect. In my experience people leave."
"In your experience when have I ever left?"
"You've never left. Not yet."
"So why do you assume I will?"
"Because they all do. Eventually."
"Have any of them ever made you promises before? Ever stood before clergy and promised to care for you for the rest of your life even though they'd just met you? Am I to pay for all of their mistakes?"
"I honestly just don't know what you want from me."
"I want you to stay. You want that from me correct?"
"Yes, of course."
"Well that's what I want too. I understand your inclination is to run but that's not fair to me and that's not fair to you and it's definitely not fair to us. So if you think that I'm getting ready to leave next time just ask. Give me a chance to explain what's being said because I'm not going to be tested for my entire lifetime. You trust me or you don't."
Her eyes fell to her hands, resting in her lap. He was asking for something that she wasn't sure that she could give but she wanted to. She wanted to trust him and knew that he was right. He had never given her any reason not to. Without any thought her hand reached for his, linking their fingers together.
"What does that mean love?" He lifted her hand to his lips, eyes shifting to take her in fully. The day had been so enjoyable but it had also been emotionally draining. They had spent months together in this house but up to that date they had been very careful of each other. She tried her best to not be cranky in the morning before she had her coffee and he did his best to keep a tight lid on any irritations that he might have had. They put their best foot forward and kept each other at bay that way.
"It means that I'll try harder. I'll do better." The words hit him like a ton of bricks. All he wanted was for her to open up to him and yet somehow she felt like she was failing him.
"Emma, what do you think I'm asking you?"
"I don't know but I'll give it to you. Whatever it is." He nodded before moving behind her, pulling his arms around her body. Leaning forward his lips ghosted across her ear. He lowered his voice until it was little more than a whisper.
"I love your fire Emma. I have loved it from the moment we met. I don't want to put it out. I want to be illuminated by the glow of it. Don't change love. Not a hair. I realize that it sounds like I'm asking you to be something that you're not and I'm sorry that I can't be clearer. Just know that your fears don't make you any less to me but I want us to grow together. To challenge each other. Not just me challenging you but you challenging me as well. The years will pass and this will be common. The push and pull of it all."
He stopped speaking when she pulled forward, turning so that she could look at him.
"Years?"
"Of course Emma. Somehow, someday, you're going to know just how much I want this with you. You won't doubt it. The knowledge of it will be second nature, as natural as breathing. I suppose until that day we'll have days like today. When we wonder if the doubts are too much to take. But I remember your vows. That from the day we said them you would stay beside me, through the good and the bad. It's the same for me Emma. For better or for worse. They are not words I took lightly."
"Do you stay because we're married?"
"No love. I stay because of you. I stay because of the way your laughter rings through the house and because of the way that you look away when you feel overwhelmed. I stay because of the way your lips feel against mine." He took the opportunity to lean forward and catch her lips with his, hoping that she wouldn't pull away from the show of affection. The conversation was serious and heavy but he wanted to put her at ease.
"I stay because of the way that your hand feels in mine." He brought her hand back up to her lips, pressing a kiss to her palm. "I stay because of you Emma. And there will be days when I'm frustrated with your walls I guess. If I'm being honest with you there may be days when you're frustrated with the fact that sometimes I get upset easily. But there's never been a day that I've been sorry that I married you Emma and there's not going to be. Can you believe that?"
Her experience told her no. That people had said that they cared before and every time it ended up with her alone but she was tired. She was tired of fighting and she was tired of running. She was tired of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. His words had found a crack in the wall she had around her heart and had burrowed in, creating his own place there. Without a doubt she knew that she was in love with her husband. When she would tell him or how remained a mystery but she knew that it was true.
"I can believe it. What I can't believe is that you're going to beat me back to the house." Before he could gather a thought she was up, racing back towards the house. He quickly got to his feet, chasing after her. He had been doing it all day really but it felt different now. Something about her face before she ran off made him believe that her feelings had finally shifted. When he reached the house he called out for her, hoping to pick up watching the movie from where they left off but he couldn't see her in the house. Until he reached the living room. The curtains behind the tree moved just slightly and he saw her bare feet shuffling as she tried to hide.
"Where are you Emma Swan?" He stepped in front of the tree, giving her access to make her move. As she jumped out at him he caught her around the waist and gently lowered her to the ground.
"Bad form Swan. Such bad form." She laughed as he lowered his head, capturing her lips again with his own. The kiss deepened, his hands tangling in her hair and her hands wandering across his body.
"Are you sure that you want to wait until after you're no longer my bodyguard? I promise I won't think you think I'm a hooker." He laughed but still pushed back from her, grabbing her hand as he settled back on the floor. "I still think we should wait. I don't know why. I just do. But I promise you Swan it's not for a lack of desire."
"I can deal with that on one condition."
"What's that love?"
"No more separate rooms. We don't have to have sex but I want to go to sleep in the arms of my husband. I want to have that closeness with you." He was shocked by her request, but smiled as she rose to stand. "In that case love what do you say we head to our room?" Her fingers closed around the hand that he was offering and he pulled her to her feet.
"I'd say that's the best thing I've heard all day." Side by side they walked to her bedroom, their bedroom, feeling closer than they ever had before.
