Thank you for all the follows, favourites and reviews. I know I haven't said it a while but every time I get an email my heart skips a beat. They mean so much to me.
A lot of you are asking how Christian can marry someone else but the wedding is still 8 years away, that is a long time. But it will be clear when the time comes. I am going to do a big-time jump, maybe a year before the wedding next chapter.
I hope this will clear up Ray's freak out. Believe it or not, writing this story and their conversation has happened me in my own life. My father blamed himself for not seeing the abuse, but never once have a I blamed my parents for not seeing it, because I know how well I can lie. I only hate them when they use my past against me as some kind of excuse for my behaviour, that I wouldn't be angry or pissed off after a hard day if I hadn't been abused. That just down right makes me want to punch a hole in the wall.
Please, please don't kill me for this chapter it was a hard for me to write as it will be for you to read but there is a method (sort of) for my madness. Hopefully, you will see why after you read. Sorry if you cry I did when I reread it.
December 18th 2010 (8 years earlier)
Ana's POV
I still can't process what my Dad said today, the things he said hurt. I get that he was pissed, but seriously, his comments were below the belt. I let it go because I just wanted to go back to bed. I wanted out of the spotlight my Dad had so kindly put us in. I was humiliated but it was worst for Christian because he was dragged down the stairs by his hair, fucking shirtless. Urgh! Just thinking about it pisses me off all over again. We're all seated eating dinner at the castle, the food is amazing as always and I no longer feel sick, so I can eat and actually enjoy it. That's because Christian's back. Yet all I want to do is throw my plate directly at my Dad's head. But I know this is not the time or place to have that conversation. So, I sit here in silence. The only thing keeping me sane is Christian's hand on my knee. I know if I say anything now, it will be something I'll regret coming out of my mouth, but I'm certain the moment dinner is over I will pull him aside and we are going to talk no matter what. All bets are off!
Finally, dinner is over so I take my opportunity.
"Dad can we talk?" Is all I say before picking up my plate with one hand and taking Christian's hand in the other to pull him out of the room with me.
Once we're all in the kitchen and I've put the plates in the dishwasher, I turn to face my Dad, only then does he decide to say something.
"Everything ok, Annie?" Really, that is what you want to start with? OK I'll play.
"Is everything ok? Really Dad you all but called me a slut and Christian a rapist and actually blame me for it. I get we deceived you, going behind your back, but so did everyone else they knew and never said anything but, yet it was me who took the full force of your anger and it hurt." I spit out while Christian holds my hand below the counter, so my Dad cannot see.
"Annie I really am sorry, it's not what I meant. I didn't mean to embarrass you or hurt you I just flipped out seeing the two of you in bed together because... because…" He stumbles.
"Why? What possible reason could there be for it because if anyone else had said those things about us you would have punched them? So, I will ask again, what reason is there?" I interrupt.
"Because the last time someone got that close to you, they hurt you. He hurt you and I didn't see it. I didn't stop it. When I saw you lying there on top of him I don't know it brought it all back, how I failed you. How I couldn't protect you. I know it isn't an excuse but the fact is I didn't think before I spoke because I was angry. But it wasn't at you or Christian it was at myself for failing to protect you last time. And then the fact that everyone knew but me was just the nail in the coffin. You are right if anyone had said anything like that I would have knocked them out before they even finished their sentence. Ana I am so sorry. For everything." He says as a single tear runs down his cheek. So that is what this was about, it wasn't about me. It was about him. It was that he thought I was being hurt and taken advantage of again.
"Daddy, you cannot blame yourself. It wasn't your fault, because if anyone is to blame, then it would be Mom. But you don't blame her for not seeing what was going on? Do you? We were living under the same roof and she didn't see it. How could you have known? You weren't there."
"Of course, I don't blame your mother."
"See that's my point. I could have spoken up and said no. I could have told someone long before I did. There are so many what if's but asking them now isn't going to help anyone and especially me. No one is to blame except Husband Number 2, because he knew what he was doing and that he was hurting me, but neither of you did. I don't blame you, so you shouldn't blame yourself. I never want to hear you talk like that again, okay? You didn't fail me, no one did. I was just a victim of the circumstance." It isn't lost on anyone that I actually called myself a victim. I never wanted to be seen as weak, but now I don't know, it doesn't feel like that, it makes me feel powerful. I'm strong and I survived, and he lost. He didn't win. I won.
I walk over and hug my Dad even though it still stings, I get it now it wasn't about me.
"I love you. But please never call me Ana ever again." I say as I hug him.
"I love you too Annie.I love you too Christian, I'm sorry for what I said to you too."
"I love you too, Ray. Even if what you said hurt."
"I get that son, but I promise it will never happen again." My Dad says before hugging Christian.
December 31st 2010
I am dancing around the living room to Nickelback's 'Rockstar', in a beautiful black laced cocktail dress, that has long sleeves and is backless. I'm dancing in a less than appropriate fashion, but I don't seem to care because for the first time in forever I'm truly happy. I can't seem to shake the feeling that this is somehow going to blow up in my face, it's like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Somehow it always does in my case, but I'm going to try and be optimistic.
I'm dancing without a care in the world thinking about the wonderful Christmas we just had. As always, my family and I spent it at the Grey's. My Dad has really made up for everything he said to Christian and I. For Christmas he gave Christian a freshly made front door key of his own because he was still sneaking in the window even though he no longer had to. We spent Christmas Eve at the castle, so he didn't need to use it and we spent Christmas night their too like always. Christian gave me the most amazing silver locket for Christmas, but I still haven't figured out what I want to put inside. I'm sure I will but right now I don't have clue. Carrick really was serious about Christian not having to go back to Harvard because for Christmas he gave Christian the papers stating that he was now a registered student of the University of Washington, which is where I'm going in the fall. We are planning on getting a small two bed apartment once I start but for right now we alternate between the castle and my house, depending on how late I stay at the castle because no matter how many times I tell Christian that we live in a safe neighbourhood and I'm perfectly capable to get home on my own, he won't let me walk at night without him. So, unless I'm already there it's pointless sleeping at the castle because he would have to walk here first.
Knock, knock, knock.
Christian's here early! I think running to the front door and fling it open but instead of Christian there are two uniformed officers at the front door.
"Everything ok, officers?" I say slightly out of breath from the dancing and running.
"Miss Steele?" The officer on the right asks.
"Yes?"
"Miss may we come in?" The officer on the left asks.
"Sure, I guess?" Stepping aside so they can enter, I direct them to the living room where I press pause on the music. They sit on the couch closest to the door while I sit in front of them on the adjacent couch.
"Miss are you alone?"
"Yes. Why?" I ask raising my eyebrow. This is weird it's New Year's Eve what are they doing here? It's not like the music is that loud or I have done anything wrong. Have I? "Did I do something wrong?"
"No Miss we are because there has been a car accident." The officer on the right says. No, who? Christian? No. They would be at the castle not here. I'm not family. Fuck! NO! NO! NO! This cannot be happening! NO! I scream in my head unable to get the words out.
"Miss your parents were driving when a drunk driver ran the light and hit their car." NO! "Their car was hit with such force that your parents died on impact." NO! NO! NO!
It can't be. This isn't happening. I am up on my feet before I even think. I open the front door, stepping out into the snow not caring about the fact that there is nothing on my feet. I can't feel the snow burning the soles of my feet. I can't feel the icy wind on my skin. I feel nothing, just empty and hollow. I don't know where I am going until I see the gates of the all too familiar house coming into view. I run through the gates and up the gravel pathway not caring that the stones below my feet are cutting me. I run up the steps and bang on the door as hard as I can.
The door flies open as Grace appears in front of me, she takes one look at me before she instantly knows something is wrong. I'm stunned, this is it, I can't do this on my own. I fall to the floor just inside the door and utter a single word.
"Christian." It's not a question it's not a statement, it is just what I need.
I curl up in a ball in the doorway and just cry.
Christian's POV of the night.
I'm in my room getting ready for the dinner party we throw every year on New Year's Eve, I have just gotten dressed and I'm about to put on my jacket when I hear a scream.
"Christian get down here, now." I hear my mother yell, but this isn't an angry yell, this is a blood curdling, heart stopping cry for help. I don't even have time to think before I am out of my room, running down the stairs, just when I'm about to reach the bottom, I see her. She is curled up in a ball, on the floor, in the door way, with blood on her feet. Her skin is a frightening shade of red from the cold. But what is most terrifying is the fact that she is crying, hysterically but is not making a sound. No sound at all. I jump from half way down the stairs and skid across the floor until I reach her. I waste no time scooping her up into my lap and out of the door way, so my Mom can close the door. She is as cold as ice. I gently rock back and forth in an effort to soothe her but it does nothing. Who the fuck caused this because they are going to die!
"Mom, what the fuck happened?" I swear because I know she will let it slide this time. The rest of my family appears in the foyer but they say nothing.
"I don't know. I opened the door and she just collapsed and said your name before she started crying."
"Jesus what the hell happened to her? Why are her feet bleeding? Did she run all the way from her house without any shoes on? In this weather?" I don't know who I am asking because my Mom clearly does know either, but I need answers.
There is another knock at the door. Mom opens it to find two officers, also out of breath standing there. When they see her they sigh in relief? What the fuck is going on?
"What the fuck happened?" I say from my spot on the floor, I know I shouldn't swear at them but right now I don't care.
"Are you family?" The one on the right asks.
"As good as." Mom replies.
"Do you know a Carla and Ray Steele?" He asks. My Dad steps up.
"Yes, what about them?" He asks, his voice bordering on concern.
"Who are you?" One of the officers asks.
"I'm Carrick Grey, their lawyer and friend. What's happened?" Dad says completely monotone, but I know he is freaking out too, he loves Ray and Carla and Ana like a daughter.
"There was an accident. Mr. and Mrs. Steele died on impact."Mother of God! They're dead. No wonder she is like this. Elliot, Mia and both sets of Grandparents gasp from behind us but I don't turn around, all my attention is focused on the broken girl in my arms. I move to stand because we can't just stay on the floor all night. My Mom gives me a hand, so I can lift Ana as I go. She still doesn't weigh much but she has put on some weight since I got back about two weeks ago.
"What happened, exactly?" Dad enquires.
"A drunk driver ran a red light and careened into the side of their car killing them instantly." The one on the left says deadpan.
"And you told her this while she was alone?" My Dad asks and I can tell his is fuming even though he's the picture of calm, I know my Mom can sense it too because she reaches for his hand to calm him.
"We didn't have much choice she has no other listed family and…" The one officer on the left tried to justify their actions, but that just made my Dad angrier.
"That's because she doesn't have any other biological family. We are it. What you should have done was ask if there was anyone that she would have liked to call and come over before you told her alone!" Dad almost spits at them. Jesus who the fuck informs someone they are an orphan with no one around to support them.
"Bye officers, we can handle it from here. Oh, and be on the lookout for a lawsuit, because I'm going to make sure you two never work again after what you just did to a young vulnerable teenager!" My Dad says before slamming the door in their idiotic faces.
I don't say anything I can feel the tears in my eyes. I walk to the great room and sit on the sofa with Ana straddling me. Her parents are gone. I have no idea what to say or do. What do you do to make this better? Answer nothing. Because nothing can make this better.
My parents along with everyone else walk in as the tears spill from my eyes. I know I have to be strong for her, but when she hurts I hurt. I mean Ray and Carla were like a second set of parents to me and they are just… gone. This has to be a dream, no a nightmare. It has to be. Everyone is crying, even my Dad and Grandfathers, whom I have never seen cry. Ever. They sit down on the other sofas in the room and just hold each other. They hug their respective partners, while Elliot holds Mia, while he cries into her hair as she cries into his chest, mirroring everyone in the room.
I lean down to Ana's ear and whisper the one this I think will bring her any comfort.
"I'm here." Nothing else, not it's going to be ok or anything else because nothing will make this better because it is not ok. She continues to cry not making a sound, if it wasn't for her shudders you wouldn't even know.
We cry for what feels like forever before we all fall asleep on the sofa.
I wake with a start, to find Ana still asleep straddling me, everyone has left the room and there are damp pieces of tissue on her feet. I assume my mother put them there, to help with the pain. I slowly move so that I am lying down on the sofa with Ana on top of me before I fall back asleep. What happens now?
A few hours later.
I feel Ana moving on top of me and I open eyes to find her face directly over mine. Her eyes are so puffy, her makeup has run, she looks so lost.
"Hi." I whisper.
"It wasn't a nightmare was it?" She whispers back.
"No. Ana I am so, so sorry."
"This can't be happening, I'm 18 years old, how the fuck am I supposed to live in a world where my parents don't?" Her eyes briming with tears.
"I don't know. Honestly, I could tell you that everything will be ok, but I think you and I both know it's not, how can this ever be ok?" Is all I can offer her in return.
"Nothing is ok." She whispers burying her head in my neck, as she begins to cry again. This is going to kill me to have to see her like this. I sit up so I can hold her better.
We sit there for a while before she starts to calm down.
"How long?" She asks.
"How long what?" I ask in confusion.
"How long have we been out? I mean, is it New Year's yet?"
"It's been a few hours, but it is still only 11:40. Why do you want to know?" I reply looking at my watch.
"Because I can't sit and cry forever. My parents wouldn't want that. They would say that we should celebrate them. I mean my Dad always told me that at his funeral he wanted everyone to wear Hawaiian shirts, that way no one could be really sad. Because how can you be in one of those shirts?" She says in something that resembles a giggle.
"Really? Because if you don't want to, no one will hold it against you. Everyone cried when we found out. Oh, and I am pretty sure that my Dad is going to get those insolent fuckers fired that told you about your parents, because who does that?"
"I don't know." She sniffles and tries to get up, except when she puts her feet on the floor she jumps right back down. Now she's aware of the cuts on her feet and from what I'm guessing is a slight case of frostbite. "Ow!"
"Don't get up, you cut your feet up pretty badly on the way over. Ana, who runs in the snow without any shoes on?" Real nice be a douche after her parents just died. Idiot.
"I wasn't exactly thinking." She sarcastically retorts. Hey there's my happy go lucky girl.
"Mom! Can you come in here?" I yell but not too loudly because Ana is right next to my face.
"Yes. Christian honey what… Oh Ana you're awake." Mom says seeing Ana sitting back up. "What do you need?" Walking over to us touching Ana's cheek gently.
"Can you just please fix my feet? They really hurt." Ana is asking in a more determined voice than anyone in her situation should have, but I know it's because she is so strong. Stronger than even I gave her credit for.
"Of course, is there anything else I can get you?" Ana just shakes her head no.
After my Mom has cleaned up Ana's feet, she grabs my watch and sees that we still have three minutes till midnight. So, she makes me carry her to the kitchen because she can't walk. Not that I mind. I put her on one of the bar stools.
"What do you need?" Grandma Trevelyan asks.
"Just for everyone to have a drink so we can celebrate my parents and New Year's."
"We don't have to do that, no one cares about New Year's anymore." My Dad says.
"Well I do and you and I both know that if my parents were here they would tell us to stop wallowing and celebrate the New Year. Because they are all about new beginnings, right? So, let's celebrate my parents." Everyone goes to say no but Ana stops them. "Anyone who says no can leave this kitchen because they were my parents and they would not want this. I would leave but my feet are on fire. So, who here needs a drink?"
Everyone decides not to argue with Ana and we all celebrate the New Year together, and we celebrate Ray and Carla's lives as well.
March 2011 (3 months later)
It has been a few months since Ray and Carla died, turns out that neither of the idiot officers who told us about Ana's parents knew that the driver of the other car had died too. Good riddance. I know that is a terrible thing to say but he killed two people that we loved, he doesn't get to go free. Ana gave the most amazing speech at the funeral; sure, enough Ray got his wish everyone did in fact wear Hawaiian shirts. He was right it is hard to be sad when you are wearing one. Ana puts on a good show for the rest of the world pretending she is all right, but I still find her crying on occasion. I know she'll do better and she is doing better, it's just going to take some time.
Ana, moved into the castle a few days after the accident, she found it too hard to live there without them. My Dad, with the help of a realtor he knew sold it for her. The house sold for two million dollars. Ray and Carla also had significant life insurance policies, which of course Ana was the beneficiary. When all was said and done Ana had approximately 4 million sitting in a trust fund, which she refused to use. She says she'll figure out what to do with it when the time comes but right now isn't that time. My parents pay for everything she needs and she's told them repeatedly they didn't need to do so, but they want to. They've told her they have always seen her as an honorary fourth child and love her as if she were their own daughter, so they don't have a problem with it. Ana keeps all her stuff in the spare bedroom, which is now hers, but she has never slept in there and probably never will, she sleeps with me every night. For about a month after the accident Ana had nightmares about the crash, I think it was the fact that she wasn't in the car with them it's like she felt guilty for being not being with them. I think they call it survivors guilt? So, I made her start seeing a therapist, but she would only go if I went too. So, I did, and it has been helpful for both us and our issues with touch have gotten better. We are still nowhere near ready to let strangers touch us, but people close to us can certainly get a lot closer than before. My family now has unrestricted access when it comes to hugs and they couldn't be happier about that.
I've now started at UW which has turned out to be a great experience. I'm actually enjoying college this time because I'm not sleep deprived anymore and I get to come home to my family every night, and my Ana. I have thought about it, but I can't tell her I love her however, it hasn't stopped me from feeling that way. It wouldn't be fair given everything that has happened to her in the last year. She is still trying to heal in the aftermath of her parent's deaths. So, we're nothing more than friends, which I will take because I would rather have her in my life as a friend than not have her at all. I also haven't said anything because I don't want her to feel like she can't sleep with me because of my feelings for her. I also stay quiet for myself because I couldn't sleep without her either. Selfish I know.
Thank you for reading. Please leave a review.
Fearfully Brave
BTW my name is not Joan she is the awesome woman who proof reads my work for me to makes it somewhat decent.
If you have left a comment that could warrant a PM please check your PM I may have messaged.
