Hi Everyone! Two updates in one day, I know. I hope it's not too much. I'm really kind of ready to get to chapter 10. To me that's when this story really starts to get good. In retrospect I wish I would have had a beta for all of my stories. But I didn't, primarily because I had no idea what I was doing when I first started writing fics. I was totally green. Anyway, I haven't had much feedback on ff, but the response to this story has been positive. Thanks to all of you for reading, and even more to those of you who have reviewed. The song lyrics to Missing are referenced in chapter 6. I decided to put them here to sort of lead up to Bella's cliff dive and the repercussions of it.
Just to restate the obvious: I own nothing. Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer. It's her world. I'm just playing.
Missing
By EvanescencePlease, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice, Please, please forgive me,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"
And if I bleed, I'll bleed, Songwriters: (David Hodges, Amy Lee, Ben Moody)
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Chapter 9-Directionless
It didn't take me long to figure out that I had lost Victoria. I knew within hours of my arrival in Rio that she wasn't there. I spent several days thinking about what to do next. Should I go back the way I came and try to pick up the trail again?
Every part of me hated to admit it, but Victoria had outwitted me. My confidence was shaken and my pride was wounded. I had underestimated her and now I was paying the price. I could call Alice and ask her to look for Victoria for me so I'd know where to go next, but my ego wouldn't allow me to acknowledge my failure. I had talked to her once since I'd been in South America, but our conversation was brief and she never mentioned seeing anything about Victoria. Regardless of whether or not she could help me by seeing something now, the very last think I needed right now was to listen to Alice beg me to go back to Forks. I wasn't strong enough for that.
So, how to proceed?
I was mulling it over for the thousandth time on a dark night at the end of February as I wandered aimlessly through the favelas. I couldn't come out during the day of course, but I didn't come out much anyway. I'd only hunted twice in the last month. I spent most of my time in motionless silence, hiding in the attics and crawl spaces of rundown tenement houses. The best way to describe these periods of painful stillness would be catatonia. I'd stay curled up in a ball for days, losing track of the time as I immersed myself in my memories. I was still carrying the bag of my sentimental mementos of her, and sometimes I would pull out one of her notes or the silly little lemonade bottle lid just to feel more connected to B…her. Ever since I'd failed in my attempts to track Victoria, thinking of my love's name had become unbearable again. The anger I'd relied on to keep me from losing my mind in the overwhelming grief had evaporated with Victoria's trail.
Wandering the dark streets brought no real relief, but I could distract myself enough to keep from going completely insane. Rio's slums were crowded, dirty and full of the kinds of criminals I used to make meals of. I attracted very little attention here after dark. I was just another nocturnal monster in a ghetto full of drug dealers and killers. When a human actually did notice me, they would sometimes marvel internally at how pale I was, or how sick and scary I looked, but most of them just shuddered and kept their distance.
I kicked halfheartedly at a glass soda bottle lying on the pavement at my feet. It shattered into a million tiny pieces beneath my shoes as I tried to make up my mind.
The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that I should wait a little while before I went looking for Victoria again. She would be expecting me to start over right away, but if I held off, perhaps I could corner her when she least expected it. But it was hard to try to wait when I thought of those hikers in Canada, the little girls and their mother in Dallas and almost impossible when I remembered… her injuries in Phoenix. I wanted to stop Victoria before more innocent lives were lost.
I sighed bitterly. Victoria's penchant for cruelty disgusted me, but she was a typical vampire in most respects. All vampires were killers; soul-less monsters… nightmares.
Myself included.
My train of thought traveled down the familiar tracks of self-loathing at the comparison. I'd killed more humans than I could count. It didn't really matter if they were not innocents, they were still lost lives. I'd taken it upon myself to be their judge, jury and executioner; one monster passing judgment on another. A twinge of guilt twisted in my hollow core for a moment as I remembered the faces of my victims. Just a twinge, though. They'd all been rapists and murderers after all.
The image of four more faces flashed in my mind just then; the faces of a quartet of monsters I hadn't killed on a dark street in Port Angeles nearly a year ago.
I'd made sure Lonnie was captured, and he was currently awaiting trial in Texas for the rapes and murders of three other girls. He was facing a death sentence I sincerely hope he got. As for the other three, they hadn't known what Lonnie's intentions were. But Lonnie and his friends had nearly taken away my whole reason for being on a cool dark night last March when they tried to attack my love.
I had barely refrained from torturing Lonnie to death because of… her. I'd needed to take care of her that night, so I had forced myself to leave Lonnie and his friends alive. And, in a fit of insanity, I'd wanted to try to deserve Bella by not killing humans.
As if I could have ever been worthy of her.
Maybe I wasn't as bad as Victoria, but I was still a murderer, and I still thirsted for human blood… for her blood. I had nearly killed the most precious person in the world to me for the same reasons Victoria had murdered those two little girls and the mother who tried to protect them in Dallas. I had more in common with Victoria than I did with the woman I loved.
My frozen heart ached at the thought of her again. Her face was always in my mind, and when I closed my eyes it still seemed to be pasted to my eyelids. The last 5 months had not dimmed those images of her or lessened my anguish. I hadn't imagined that time would heal me at all, but I had expected it to get a little easier to resist the urge to go back to her. I was fighting it, but I was losing a little every day.
It got harder every second.
It was excruciatingly difficult now, knowing I'd lost Victoria. Nothing was holding me here. I had no distractions left. Her face, her voice, her scent, every little detail about her filled each particle of my brain.
It would be so easy to go back.
I imagined running in the rain toward her house, climbing up to her window and into her room. I pictured her sleeping in her little bed, hair tangled wildly across her pillow and her arm stretched over her head. I'd give anything to hear my love say my name in her sleep one more time. I could go back… just to check on her of course… just to make sure she's safe and happy.
NO!
I couldn't go back. If I did I wouldn't be able to leave again. Even if…Bella… was happy, (and I desperately hoped she was) I wouldn't have the strength to stay away from her. I would try to win back her love. I'd promised her I'd stay away. Couldn't I keep my word to her about anything? And, I was still a danger to her. I'd been away from her scent for months now; resisting her blood would be a challenge all over again. How to distract myself from this inexcusable train of thought? I should start looking for Victoria again.
What did it really matter, though? It wasn't as though Victoria had any reason to go back to Forks even though she knew I'd been tracking her. She would still be too afraid to approach a coven the size of ours on her own.
Nonetheless, it had been smart of Jasper to insist that we not mention our move to the Denali clan. Laurent was still friendly enough with Victoria to make me a little nervous for my family. Even if she was too intimidated to start a fight with them, her indiscreet hunting habits could still cause them trouble if she turned up in Ithaca.
I briefly considered going after Victoria for their benefit, but they could take care of themselves. So the idea of ever resuming my hunt seemed more and more like an exercise in futility every second. Nothing was going to distract me from the unrelenting and terrible grief I felt. All I ever saw was my love's perfect face. Sometimes she would be smiling at me, and that was bearable because at least it was her smile I could see. But my fierce longing to see that smile again in person made it almost impossible to stay away from her.
Other images were agony past endurance. Like the memory of her empty brown eyes and pale expressionless face that awful day in the forest when I'd told the cruelest, most profane lie of my worthless existence. That was the worst of all. The hurt I'd inflicted on her would torment me for the rest of my days. But I deserved no less for what I'd done to her. Seeing her face like that in my head made me desperate to check on her, to make sure she had healed from those wounds.
The idea that she might still be in pain made it impossible for me to keep walking. My stone body felt like it was going to crumble into gravel, and I slumped down onto a dirty sidewalk outside a tenement house and buried my face in my hands. Luckily, the streets were deserted and no one saw me falling apart. I couldn't stand the idea of listening to humans think about what a pathetic freak I was at the moment. That was the consensus of every human I encountered now.
Thinking about people's reaction to me suddenly made the hurt more intense. Something I would've thought was impossible. I actually cried out in agony; my thirsty black eyes stung dryly as though they were hoping for the relief that tears would never bring them.
Bella's presence in my life hadn't just made me feel human on the inside; it had made me more human on the outside, too. When I was with her, people treated me differently. They didn't shy away from me as much; they didn't avert their eyes from my face or keep such an extensive distance from my cold body. I had been more accepted, almost normal. It made me happy to be less of an outcast. She had enriched my life in a million different ways. Without her, people were more frightened of me than ever. I wasn't even attractive to my prey in a way that would help me hunt anymore. I looked like a zombie. Nearly everyone I had encountered since I'd left her last fall were alarmed by my appearance at the very least. The only exception had been the little girl named Bella I'd seen in Denver months ago.
As I pictured the beautiful little girl's face again, I remembered how I had fleetingly (and stupidly) wondered if my encounter with her had been a sign for me to go back home. Then I remembered the drive through Canada and the lyrics to that Evanescence song "Missing" came back to me with perfect clarity, as did the words she'd said that seemed to mirror the song
"I'd rather die than be with anyone but you", Bella had said
"…though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone"
I shuddered as a terrible feeling of foreboding like the one I'd felt that day in the forest nearly overwhelmed me.
I'd made her promise me she'd take care of herself, and she would keep her promise. She had to keep her word for Charlie…and some small part of me hoped she'd do it for my sake too. That in spite of my words in the forest, somewhere deep inside her heart she knew I loved her, and I would always love her.
My whole existence hinged on that promise, and that hope.
My reverie was interrupted abruptly by a vague mental humming sound that meant someone was in the range of my mind reading talents. This was followed by the subsequent shuffle of approaching footsteps. Two pairs of feet were heading in my direction and I estimated they were less than a block away from me.
I focused automatically on their mental voices. I was surprised to hear that one voice was thinking in English; a young woman. The other voice was male, and Portuguese, but I was nearly equally fluent in both tongues. I easily understood both of them.
I can't believe I drank that much! I don't even know how I wound up at that party. I didn't get this wild last year when we came here for Carnival. I don't remember how I got here! Damn it! How am I going to get back to the hotel…no idea where I am and I think that guy is following me…Oh God!! She thought, her mind racing frantically.
She'd been out all night the night before with her roommate, woke up in a strange place after sunset and had been trying to figure out where she was for the last three hours.
Just keep moving away from the streetlamp, pretty. No one's here but us she's a tourist and if I see somebody…that little dress of hers is going to look even better when I rip it up… he leered mentally.
I could see her now, smell the stale booze on her skin, but she couldn't see me. She was tall, thin and sandy haired. She carried a pair of heeled sandals in her hand, and the white cotton sundress she was wearing was dirty and wet with sweat. I supposed she would have been pretty to someone who was able to see women, even in her current state of disarray. She was terrified, and with good reason. The tall, thick, middle aged man following her was a lot like Lonnie, a lot like so many other monsters I had killed in the days I consumed human blood. What an odd coincidence that I'd just been thinking of that night in Port Angeles.
My eyes were black with thirst, and it was so tempting to make him my next meal. Save the girl and satiate my hunger all in one blow. It would be easy, and he would never hurt anyone else again. Like Lonnie, he'd done this before. I could grab him before her human eyes could see what I was doing.
I hid in a shadow on the corner, waiting for him to get close enough.
He's following me! I knew it! Get a grip on yourself Krista! What was it they said about self defense at our last sorority retreat…
In that instant, I was reliving a conversation in my mind from almost a year ago.
"What were you thinking just before I came around the corner," I'd said to Bella that night on the way back from Port Angeles. "I couldn't understand your expression; you didn't look scared-you looked like you were concentrating very hard on something."
"I was thinking of how to incapacitate an attacker," Bella had answered, to my horror. "You know, self-defense; I was going to smash his nose into his brain."The image of the indignation on her perfect face and the sound of her tiger-kitten anger stopped me dead in my tracks. My chest felt as though someone had stabbed through it with a hot sword as I remembered the way she'd looked at me with such trust and admiration when I'd saved her, her courage, and the way she'd accepted me for what I was without a thought for her safety.
I had to thwart this monster tonight.
But the image of love and trust in my love's face was burned into my eyes and I knew I couldn't kill him.
The hung-over girl was close enough to see me now, and her fear intensified. I needed to reassure her fast before she panicked and made it impossible for me to keep this from turning violent.
"Are you lost, miss?" I called out to her in the most non-threatening tone I could manage. I wanted to reassure her and let her would-be assailant know that he was no longer alone with her.
My love smiled warmly at me in my mind's eye and I smiled at the girl in response. The gesture relaxed her considerably.
He speaks English! Thank God. He's…odd, but I don't think he's dangerous-he's an American at least. Maybe he can help me find my way out of here!
"Yes," the girl named Krista said breathlessly. "I have no idea where I am."
Damn it, the man was thinking in Portuguese as he heard our exchange. I'd better get the hell out of here before he sees me. Damn it!
He had taken off at a sprint in the other direction. I let him go.
"You're in a place where a young lady shouldn't be during the day, let alone at night," I replied. I pulled out my cell phone. I rarely used it and I didn't think about it often, but tonight I was really glad to have it. "Why don't I call you a cab to get you back to your hotel."
Why is he being so nice to me? Does he think I'll take him back to my room if he gets me a cab? I hope not. It doesn't seem like he wants to hurt me, but a nice guy probably wouldn't be out here this late at night.
"You really shouldn't linger here," I prompted her, trying to get her to take me up on my offer. "It's not safe."
"I know," she replied shortly. "I just-"
"Don't want to accept help from a strange man in a bad neighborhood," I said, finishing her sentence rather rudely. The swirl of intense emotions I'd been coping with for the last few hours had worn me out and I no longer had the patience to deal with the poor young woman's reluctance politely. I wanted her to let me help and move along so I could hunt and then curl back up into my catatonic ball in some hole somewhere. I was too emotionally drained to do anything else.
"Yeah," she replied lamely, seemingly unaffected by my curt manner.
"I don't blame you, but you don't really have many options," I replied flatly. "Just let me call you a cab so you can get out of here before you run across someone more dangerous than I am." I smiled humorlessly to myself at the irony of the idea that there could be someone more dangerous to a human than a thirsty vampire.
She nodded uncertainly, and her thoughts were conflicted. He's right, I don't really have a choice unless I want to stay out here all night. I don't speak Portuguese…and I don't even have my purse or a cell phone. How did I get into this mess? I'll never forgive Lori for leaving me at that stupid party. I was so wasted!
I dialed the number of a nearby cab company, watching the girl's grimy and astonished face as I spoke fluent Portuguese into the phone. The dispatcher said that they could send a car, but it would be very costly to come to this area so late. It was dangerous. I assured him the money wasn't a problem, and they agreed to be there within a half hour.
"The cab will be here shortly," I said as I flipped the phone closed. "I'll wait here with you until it arrives."
"You don't seem like the kind of guy who normally hangs out in a place like this," the girl said to me while we waited for the taxi. She was embarrassed by her predicament and trying to diffuse her tension with small talk.
"First impressions can be rather deceptive," I replied vaguely, staring off into space. I didn't really want to talk to her. I didn't have the energy to even feign interest in such an exchange. I didn't have it in me to feel any real sense of satisfaction that I had been in the right place at the right time tonight. I just didn't want this girl to be hurt like Rosalie had been hurt, like… she had almost been hurt.
"Right," she replied quietly. He doesn't wanna talk to me; he's not even looking at me. I must look like hell…worse than him. He's cute but he looks so sick…probably he's a junkie trying to score some crack or something, no other reason for him to be here. He's helping me out, so it's none of my business. I'll have to promise the cabbie I'll pay him when I get to the hotel since I don't have any cash on me. Damn it.
We waited in silence until the cab pulled up to the curb where we were standing a few minutes later. I approached the driver as she got inside and handed him a stack of bills before the girl could ask him about getting money for the fare when he took her back to her hotel. I knew the driver wouldn't move an inch if she told him she didn't have cash in hand.
"Please take this young lady wherever she wishes to go," I said to the driver in English. "And keep the change for your trouble."
The girl and the driver both looked at me in astonishment as I started to step away from the car. But, before I could walk away, she called out to me.
"Sir," she said loudly, her eyes still wide with shock. "Can I get your number? I want to pay you back."
"That's not necessary," I replied as I took in her grateful expression and thoughts. "I like to do good deeds when I get the opportunity."
"But I want to repay you." she repeated.
You can repay me by being more careful about where you get lost in the future." I answered as I motioned for the driver to go. She yelled a fervent thank you out of the open backseat window as they drove past.
I watched the car disappear, deciding to head to the Tijuca forest to hunt. I thought about my love again, hoping with every fiber of my being that she was being careful and keeping her promise to stay safe.
I was still holed up in the damp moldy basement of an abandoned warehouse when the sound of my phone ringing for the first time in several weeks pulled me out of my reverie. I'd been struggling with the desperate longing to go home again and I didn't want to answer it. I didn't have the desire or energy to speak to anyone, especially if it was Alice. I turned reluctantly to look at the caller ID and was shocked to see the number. I decided to answer since he wouldn't have tried to reach me unless it was something important.
"Hello," I whispered warily a second later.
"Edward," Jasper said quietly. His voice was tense, and my worry increased.
"What's going on?" I asked him directly. I hadn't spoken to Jasper since I left Denali. Besides Rosalie, he was the only member of my family who hadn't tried to persuade me to come home since I'd left. Jasper didn't believe it was his place to interfere that way.
"I just wanted to talk to you for a minute," Jasper replied simply. "Well… I wanted to ask you for a favor actually."
"Okay," I answered, even more wary now. "Ask me."
"The family is getting back together to go to Denali during Cornell's spring break next week and I was wondering if you'd come." he said. His tone was not hopeful.
Whatever I had been expecting, it was nothing like this. His request shocked me, and for a moment I couldn't think of anything to say.
"I can't Jasper," I answered wearily after the pause. "I just can't face them. I can't be around anyone."
"That's what I thought you'd say," Jasper replied with a sigh. "But I figured I'd try anyway."
"Did Alice put you up to this?" I asked him abruptly. It was the sort of thing she would do.
"No," Jasper said sadly. "Alice doesn't know I'm calling. She isn't even here. She's been in Biloxi researching her family history for the last 3 weeks.
"And is there a reason why you aren't with her?" I asked, stunned at this news. Jasper rarely ever left Alice's side for any reason. It shocked me that he would allow her to go south on her own after everything he'd seen. Of course, he probably hadn't let her leave without an intense argument.
"I needed to stay with Esme," Jasper said with a sigh. "Alice insisted that I should, and I agreed. "Rosalie and Emmett have been on an extended honeymoon, and Alice knew it would be unbearable for Esme not to have at least one of us around. I've been keeping her calm, but it's really taking a lot out of me. It would help her so much if you came back for a few days."
I winced at his words, thinking of my poor mother and how much I knew she missed me. But, allowing her to see me in my current state of misery would only hurt her more than my continued absence. I'd rather she have good memories of me. I really had no intention of seeing any of them again. I would bare my pain and misery until I ended my existence at the end of the long happy life I'd left my love to live.
"I can't," I replied sadly. "I just can't do it, Jasper."
"Edward…" Jasper began wearily, but I cut him off, thinking of an ironclad excuse.
I'm tracking Victoria," I said defensively. "And I think she...might know that I've looking for her. I can't afford to be around Laurent. He'd make sure she knew where I was, and I don't want her to cause the family any more trouble."
Jasper didn't say anything for a moment, and I wondered what he was thinking. Sometimes the range limitations of my mind reading abilities bothered me.
"That won't be an issue Edward," Jasper replied. "Tanya told Carlisle that no one has seen or heard from Laurent for over three weeks now. They're starting to think that he's decided to give up and move on. He'd never managed to control himself and abstain from killing humans, and Tanya thinks he may have been tired of trying."
An odd twinge of fear washed through me for a moment. Did this mean Laurent and Victoria rejoined forces? If they were together, it would be unwise for me to ever try to hunt her again. Not that I really planned to do that. I had resigned myself to the meaningless existence that stretched out in front of me for the rest of her mortal life.
"I'm sorry Jasper," I said again in a flat voice. "I just can't."
I heard him take a deep breath on the other end of the phone and I was sure he was going to say more, but he paused for a moment, seeming to think better of whatever it was he'd started to say.
"I understand," he said quietly. "Take care of yourself, Edward."
The line went dead a half second later.
Thank you so much for reading. This is the last chapter before we head to Italy. Something I wanted to try to illustrate here with Edward's rescue of Krista is that he continually ignores his own instincts in favor of what he thinks is right and refuses to see his redeeming qualities. In many ways, his sense of self is just as distorted as Bella's. In preparation for chapter 10 when we head to Italy, you might want to read the conversation between Edward and Rosalie where she tells him the news of Bella's "death." It's in the New Moon extras on SM's website. Here's a link.
.com/pdf/nm_extras_
