Clive Owen: I can't believe my cousin brought that degenerate loser with him to Hogsmeade. What is he thinking? I have got to find out what Stefan is up to.
(Clive Owen knocks on Stefan Salvatore's door)
Stefan Salvatore: I was wondering when you would be paying me a visit. Want to come in? Can I get you a drink?
Clive Owen: Yeah, very funny Stefan. Look, I know you aren't enrolled at Hogwarts. What are you even doing here?
Stefan Salvatore: I'm Assimilating, dude. Thinking about taking a Muggle job.
Clive Owen: Oh please, I'm not that stupid. Look, my dad expects me to look out for Ian and make sure he does well at Hogwarts, and he's not gonna do well if he gets expelled for selling drugs.
Stefan Salvatore: Clive, man, Ian won't get expelled. I really did just come here to Assimilate and hang with Ian. He's my best friend, and I am not trying to stay in fucking Thrushcross Grove for the rest of my life, believe me. Especially after my mom died.
Clive Owen: Whoa. I had no idea, I'm so sorry. How's your dad taking it?
Stefan Salvatore: You know my dad, Clive. He doesn't care. All he cares about is his career. I bet if she had some interesting illness, he would have used it to further his career, but she just had cancer. He doesn't care about Muggle-related illnesses.
Clive Owen: Yeah, well, I do know what that's like. You've met my dad.
Stefan Salvatore: I don't need your pity, man. I'm doing just fine. It's nice of you to stop by and throw your weight around under the guise of protecting Ian, but you really have nothing to worry about. I don't even know if I'll stay long here, I just wanted to get a fresh start somewhere new and keep a low profile.
Clive Owen: Well…I'm sorry, man. I know I've been a dick. Let me know if you need anything. Does Ian know about your mom?
Stefan Salvatore: He knows. He was there. I'm sure your dad knows too, Ian's mom will have told him.
Clive Owen: Well, he hasn't said anything to me. But I guess that's not surprising.
Stefan Salvatore: Not especially.
Clive Owen: Well, this is all pretty messed up. I don't really know what else to say.
Stefan Salvatore: It's okay, man. Why don't you come in, I'll actually get you a drink.
Clive Owen: Okay, that might be good.
Stefan Salvatore: You want a butterbeer? I've got Muggle beer, too.
Clive Owen: I guess I'll have a butterbeer. Thanks, Stefan.
(Ian Somerhalder enters)
Ian Somerhalder: Whoa. What the hell are you doing here?
Clive Owen: I'm just talking to Stefan. Dude, why didn't you tell me that his mom died? I feel like an idiot, I could have at least sent flowers or something.
Ian Somerhalder: I told your dad, I just figured he would tell you. You seriously didn't know?
Clive Owen: No! I didn't know! And now I feel like a huge asshole because I've been on your case so much, and I didn't even know that Stefan was coming here with you. I can't believe that Barty didn't tell me.
Ian Somerhalder: Well, you have been a huge asshole. It would have been nice if you had stuck up for me at all instead of railing on me from the moment I got here.
Clive Owen: I swear, my dad didn't say anything to me except that he thought I should be tough on you so that you didn't screw up at Hogwarts.
Ian Somerhalder: That figures. Your dad is a total asshat.
Clive Owen: I'm sure he had his reasons. He's dealing with a lot right now, with all the Assimilation problems and everything. He's really stressed.
Ian Somerhalder: Dude, Assimilation happened like five years ago. He wasn't even Junior Minister then.
Clive Owen: He has a lot on his plate, okay? I'm sure he didn't mean anything by not telling me.
Stefan Salvatore: Here's your butterbeer, Clive. Oh, hey bro. What are you doing here? Ditching class?
Ian Somerhalder: Nah, I have a free period. I actually wanted to ask how it went with you and that girl last night.
Clive Owen: Okay, I don't need to hear about this. Thanks for the drink, Stefan. I'll see you guys later.
(Clive Owen exits)
Stefan Salvatore: Free period my ass.
Ian Somerhalder: Yeah, I'm totally ditching. Potions, who the fuck needs it?
Stefan Salvatore: Well I didn't get with that girl last night, if that's what you're asking. She was pretty cute though. We just hung out.
Ian Somerhalder: Yeah? You think you'll be "hanging out" with her again?
Stefan Salvatore: What is this, middle school? Yeah, it's a small town, I'll probably see her around. What about you? You must have scored last night.
Ian Somerhalder: And this morning.
Stefan Salvatore: Fuck off, man. I don't know how you do it.
Ian Somerhalder: She's a total brain, too. Got up early this morning to study for class. I got her number though, I'll probably call her again.
Stefan Salvatore: Dude, if she's a brain you might want to tone down the bullshit with her. She seemed pretty with it last night.
Ian Somerhalder: You know, I didn't even use any lines on her. I think my chiseled features worked their magic all by themselves.
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, right. She probably got up to study so she didn't have to look at your ugly ass in the morning.
Ian Somerhalder: I bought her coffee before she went to class. It gave me an opportunity to work a little more of my famous charm on her.
Stefan Salvatore: You son of a bitch. That poor girl is not gonna know what hit her.
Ian Somerhalder: Yep, I'm pretty sure I've already got her pining for me.
END SCENE
Misa: Dude, I seriously can't stop thinking about Professor Schue now. He is seriously hot!
Kate: Really, Misa. Two hours ago you would not shut up about Ian Somerhalder.
Misa: Yeah, he's cool too, but I really don't think he can sing Jesse McCartney like Professor Schue can. And there's something very appealing about an older man.
Jenna: Misa, you are absolutely not allowed to start monopolizing every hot guy in this school. Please for the love of god, give the rest of us a fighting chance.
Misa: Don't worry, I plan on sleeping with Ian Somerhalder at least four more times before I move on. Pacey has been looking pretty cute too..why are you looking at me like that, Kate?
Kate: Huh? I'm not looking at you weird.
Misa: Oh, I thought you were giving me devil eyes for a second there.
Kate: I mean, I can't imagine why I would be giving you devil eyes.
Jenna: Did Pacey ever call last night?
Kate: You don't remember? He called right before you starting puking. He asked about you, and he wanted me to call him back and give him updates on how you were doing. It was super cute.
Misa: Ahh, got it. That is super cute! Jenna, you should totally get with Pacey.
Jenna: Me? Really? Pacey? I don't know, you guys.
Kate: Jenna, you were totally all about Pacey last night.
Jenna: Kate, you were all about me and Pacey, I was mildly interested, if that. He's a Muggle. It kind of weirds me out.
Misa: Oh Jenna, Muggles are surprisingly good in bed. I mean, they try so much harder than wizards because they can't use magic, and it's all very animalistic. I like it.
Jenna: I don't know if that sounds good or scary.
Kate: I'm the only person here who's never actually slept with a wizard, but I've hooked up with them, and all of my experiences indicate the two are very comparable.
Misa: Why don't we just go to Merlin's tonight, no pressure, and you can talk to him and assess the situation. And I can hook up with Ian Somerhalder again.
Kate: Do we really have time to go to Merlin's tonight? I've got a bunch of Charms homework, and History of Magic.
Misa: Speak for yourself, I've got hardly any. Just some reading for Potions, but that will take me an hour tops.
Jenna: Yeah, I'm not planning on doing my History of Magic reading. I'd be down to go to Merlin's tonight, Misa. Might as well blow off steam for as long as I can, until the work starts piling up.
Misa: Kate probably just wants to stay in so she can catch Clive Owen making his presidential rounds.
Kate: Shut up! Okay, maybe, but I genuinely want to know how he's doing. He looked so stressed the other day.
Jenna: Gag me.
Misa: Do you guys think Professor Schue frequents Merlin's? What if Schue and Ian Somerhalder both went there tonight? How would I ever decide?
Jenna: Probably Ian Somerhalder, since Profe Schue is defskis playing for the other team. Story of my life.
Misa: It's all about catching them at a weak moment. Merlin's is probably ideal for such moments.
Kate: Damnit, why can't Clive Owen have a weak moment?
Misa: Because Clive Owen doesn't go to Merlin's. He is too busy being better than everyone else at everything.
Jenna: Fuck Clive Owen.
Kate: Dude, I'm working on it.
Jenna: Okay, I'll make you a deal. If you get with Clive Owen, I'll get with Pacey.
Kate: Maybe you should get with Pacey first. I feel like that has a lot more potential.
Jenna: No can do. I will abstain until Clive Owen puts his penis in you. Or at least until you two play a little tonsil hockey.
Misa: Ooh, I like this game. What do I get to do if Clive Owen puts his penis in you?
Jenna: You get to bone Ian Somerhalder.
Misa: Sweet! Wait, can I bone him in the meantime?
Jenna: Of course. But won't it be so much sweeter once you know his cousin is boning Kate at the same time?
Misa: Not gonna lie, it's pretty damn sweet already.
Kate: Jenna, I'm just warning you, you are setting yourself up for a seriously long period of celibacy.
Jenna: How ever will I adjust?
(Clive Owen enters) (The room, not Kate) ( )
Clive Owen: Hey girls, how was your first day of classes?
Kate: Oh god.
Jenna: You've GOT to be kidding me.
Clive Owen: Did I miss something?
Misa: Always, Clive. Our classes were good, much more interesting than last year. Have you ever had Professor John Kabashima? He is my Love Potions professor.
Clive Owen: Love Potions? Really? I had him for Magical Insects and Invertebrates. He must have a very broad specialty.
Jenna: Yeah, I think he also does a seminar on Muggle reality TV shows.
Clive Owen: Aren't Muggles coming out with some kind of magical dating show?
Misa: Ooh, yes I am so excited for Love Spells! Rita Skeeter is producing it. And Antonio Bandaras is hosting.
Kate: Rita Skeeter and Antonio Bandaras, together at last.
Clive Owen: It seems like we shouldn't be encouraging witches and wizards to date Muggles, though.
Misa: Um, are you serious? That's pretty Mugglephobic of you.
Clive Owen: No, that's not what I meant. I just think we should try a little harder to preserve the bloodlines. Mixed couples don't always produce magical children.
Kate: Who cares if your children are Muggles or wizards? Especially if they are Assimilated, anyone would love their kids no matter what.
Clive Owen: Look, I know its not PC to talk about bloodline preservation and Muggle exclusion, I'm just saying, there's a reason we kept our existence a secret for so long, and it is probably the only reason the magical bloodlines survived as long as they did. I'm a History of Magic major, this is what I am writing my thesis about.
Kate: Well, that's a shame that you feel that way, because my Muggle parents had a witch for a daughter and a Muggle for a boy, and they love us both equally.
Misa: Yeah, Antonio Bandaras has a wizard brother. That's why he wanted to host the show.
Jenna: Wasn't Antonio Bandaras in one of those Muggle vampire movies?
Kate: Yeah, he is just all over the place these days. I just saw a trailer for this other reality TV show called "My Antonio", he's not actually in it but I think it is based on him.
Misa: How can a TV show be based on Antonio Bandaras?
Jenna: Maybe it is based on vampires. Or Antonio Bandaras as a vampire, real or fictional. Preferably fictional, real vampires are kind of freaky.
Misa: Yeah, remember when Professor Schue brought that vamp in for show and tell? That guy was such a creepster. He kind of reminded me of Sterling Ericson.
Kate: Dude, me too. I definitely much prefer the vampires of the Muggle world. They are much sexier and way less likely to eat you, most of the time.
Clive Owen: Muggles have vampires?
Kate: Muggles have films, books, and TV shows about all kinds of magical subjects. Vampires, witchcraft, dragons, werewolves, all that good stuff. For the most part they are way off, as anyone who has ever seen "Big Wolf On Campus" would immediately realize.
Clive Owen: Wait, but they aren't real vampires, right? Or werewolves? I thought Muggles couldn't manifest themselves as magical creatures.
Kate: No, of course not. There is nothing magical about it.
Jenna: Um, Taylor Lautner shirtless is nothing BUT magical.
Misa: Hey Clive, any idea what Ian Somerhalder is doing tonight?
Clive Owen: Hopefully homework, but I think that may be a bit optimistic. Honestly, he'll probably be hanging around Merlin's with his friend Stefan Salvatore.
Misa: Ooh, Jenna, we should grab Becca and head down there.
Jenna: All right, let me just get into a onesie right quick.
(Jenna exits)
Misa: Kate, are you sure you don't want to come out tonight?
Kate: No, I think I will just stay in and take it easy, thanks though.
Misa: I might come by your room for wardrobe consultation later. Bye, guys!
(Misa exits)
Clive Owen: So, you have a lot of homework tonight? That's rough.
Kate: Oh, not really. I kind of feel like cooking tonight, actually. There's a Muggle kitchen in the Gryffindor dungeons that I use sometimes.
Clive Owen: You cook Muggle food? Whoa. Why don't you just do it the normal way?
Kate: Well, it is normal for me. It's relaxing. You should try it sometime, maybe step outside your pureblood box for a second.
Clive Owen: I'm really not Mugglephobic, I promise. My family is just really weird about bloodlines, and I guess it rubbed off on me a bit.
Kate: Well, you are definitely not Muggle-savvy either. Why don't you come and cook with me? Honestly, I have found that doing it the Muggle way helps a lot with my cooking spells, because your wand remembers what your hands did with the ingredients.
Clive Owen: Well…yeah, okay, I'll cook with you. Do you want me to bring anything? Dessert, maybe?
Kate: Oh no, I will be baking dessert the Muggle way as well. You just leave the Mugglephobia at home and I'll take care of everything else.
Clive Owen: All right, I think I can deal with that. When do you think you will be cooking?
Kate: Probably in a couple hours, I have to help Misa with her wardrobe consultation and get some homework out of the way.
Clive Owen: Well, I guess I will see you in the dungeons.
Kate: I guess you will.
(Kate exits)
Clive Owen: I can't believe she thinks I am Mugglephobic. I'm totally not! Just because I don't think we should do everything with Muggles doesn't mean I don't think they should have rights, or be protected under wizarding law. Everything was so much easier when Muggles and wizards were kept separate. Now people act like you are a war criminal if you suggest that maybe things worked better separate!
END SCENE
