Chapter 9
The next two days were long. Bren drifted in and out with all the medicines flowing through her veins. Her fever finally broke and the decision was made to perform the surgery on her leg. While waiting in the surgery waiting area, Booth phoned home and kept the squints updated on what was happening.
Following the surgery, the head nurse talked Booth into leaving to go get some sleep while Brennan was in recovery.
With a warm smile, the nurse assured him, "We will take very good care of her. She will be sleeping in recovery for several hours. You go get some rest, eat, and freshen up. You can't be of any use to her if you make yourself ill. When you return, I bet she will be able to talk with you."
Booth didn't want to leave, "But if she wakes up …."
"Go", the kind woman ordered as she gave him a gentle nudge, and he reluctantly took her advice. He took a taxi back to his hotel and once he arrived he ordered room service. While he was waiting on its arrival, he showered. He thought honestly to himself how wonderful the hot water pounding into his skin felt. When he finished eating, he decided it wasn't such a bad idea to lie down at least for a little while. Feeling absolute exhaustion, he closed his eyes and was practically asleep before his head actually hit the pillow.
Later in the evening, Booth returned to the hospital. Checking with the night nurse on the main floor, he discovered that Brennan was taken out of recovery and was resting back in her room. Deciding to walk the stairs instead of taking the elevator, he headed up to her room. As he approached the room, he stopped just outside the door. He peered in and saw a nurse on the other side of the bed. She was placing a pillow behind Brennan's back assisting her to sit up. Brennan looked pale, tired, and visibly thinner than usual, but smiling, he didn't think he had ever seen a more beautiful sight than his Bones awake and coherent.
Once she was comfortable, the nurse went to exit the room. Greeting Booth as she passed through the doorway, he stopped and asked about the surgery and how she was doing. Bren heard them talking in whispers and looked in their direction. Booth entered the room smiling, but noticed that Brennan was not. Reaching the bed, he grabbed a chair and scooted up as closely as he could.
"Hi."
"Hi", she responded quietly."
"How ya feeling?"
"Okay, I guess. I have been informed that they have repaired the compound fracture in my leg, I have no brain damage, and I am still dehydrated, so I have to keep the IV in until tomorrow night."
"Well, I'm sure it will make you feel better", he encouraged. "I've called Cam and Angela. They all send hugs and hellos. They're really glad you are going to be okay."
"Thanks."
"You really are looking better already. You're getting your color back and ….Look! You're sitting up!"
"I had a lot of help just to sit up."
"Listen, Bones, it's going to take some time until you feel like you again."
With a short laugh, she replied, "I haven't felt like me for a while now. It really doesn't matter."
Booth took a deep breath and took her small hand into his larger one. "What's the matter, Bones?"
Deciding she had nothing to lose, she took a breath, sighed, and without looking at him, asked, "Booth, why are you here? Why am I here?"
"What do you mean? My partner was in trouble. I came to save you. You are here to get better."
"I don't mean that. Why did you come here looking for me? I left. If you hadn't come, I would have died out there on that island. Your life would be much better without me in it."
"Don't say that. How can you even think that for even a moment?" he chided.
Looking down and then to the opposite side of the room, she whispered, "It's easy. Hannah told me you were no longer happy with us being partners. You were uncomfortable. I've only ever wanted for you to be happy. If you had left it alone, you could move on with your life with Hannah and not worry about me anymore."
Clearing his throat, Booth shared, "There is no life with Hannah…. And there can't be a life without you", Booth stated in a matter of fact tone.
Turning her eyes toward Booth, she asked, "What do you mean there is no life with Hannah? Where is she?"
He explained, "Within a few minutes after Cam and Angela telling me what she had done to you, we were informed that your plane was missing. I went home to ask her what she had said to you. She was almost glad that you might not come back. I couldn't take that, so I asked her to leave."
"But….. you loved her."
Leaning forward and gazing directly into Brennan's eyes, he declared, "I thought I loved her. I tried to, but I was only lying to myself…. And anyone else who would listen. What I felt for Hannah wasn't love, but I was too proud to admit the whole thing with her was a mistake. I couldn't love her when I was still in love with you, Bones."
Looking at him incredulously, she didn't know what to say, so she remained silent.
"That night I told you she wasn't a consolation prize, I lied to you, too. I was settling for second best, Bones. I couldn't have you, and she was there. I know now how wrong I was, how much that hurt you, but I couldn't see beyond my own hurt to fix it. I am so sorry."
Brennan could still only look at him. She did not know how to respond to what he was saying. Blinking in an attempt to stop tears from forming, she looked away. When she felt more composed, she simply stated, "I don't know how to believe you, Booth. You asked me to take a gamble on a whim. I couldn't gamble what we had. I cared too much for what we had. When I couldn't see far enough into the future, and rejected your advance, you declared a minute later you had to move on, which you did. Then you come back with Hannah in tow, and tell me she's not consolation prize, yet, now she's not part of your life and you say you love me. I am so confused."
Rubbing his hand over the back of his head, he shook it and groaned. " Awwww….., Bones. Where did things go so wrong?"
I heard you… when I was sleeping. Somehow, all I could hear was your voice…. listening to you, but I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to see or to use my voice to speak back to you.
When he looked back in her direction, she was staring at him. She appeared so sad. "You know, that night in front of the Hoover, what I should have said was that I loved you and that you didn't need to change… not for me. I should have known better and given you facts and proof. Asking you to gamble was a mistake. I cannot tell you how much I regret that. When I had time to think, once I got to Afghanistan, I realized too late what I had done. I wanted so badly to tell you, but when a week turned into a month and a month turned two and I still hadn't heard anything from you… I was so lonely and sad. I thought for sure I wouldn't see you again and you were done with me. Then I arrested Hannah and she was fun. She was interested in me and made me feel…. wanted. I really didn't think she would follow me. I thought we had ended it when I left."
"But you were so excited to show me her photograph when we met at the mall the night we returned."
"I was hurt, Bones. I wanted you to think I had moved on. I guess I was trying to see if you would be jealous….. not my finest hour."
"I was going to tell you that night that I had time to think, too. I thought about you all the time when I was in Maluku. I wrote to you so many times, but I didn't send any of the letters. When you showed me the photo, I knew I had no right to tell you I had changed my mind. I wanted you to be happy."
"Bones, my feelings never changed for you. I have never stopped loving you, even when I was with Hannah. I tried. I just couldn't. When she told you I was uncomfortable, she was telling the truth. However, it was the wrong interpretation of it. I was feeling guilty about being with her and thinking of you."
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Booth. I never wanted to do that."
Booth moved to sit on the edge of the hospital bed still holding on to Brennan's hand. "I know that… deep down. And I am so sorry that I hurt you."
"What now?" she asked quietly.
"Bottom line…. I….want….you. I love you, Bones. I can't live without you. I thought I was going to lose my mind searching for you. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found you." Hesitating for a moment, he looked deeply into her eyes and asked, "What do you want, Bones?"
Whispering, Brennan quietly said, "You. I want you, Booth."
Smiling, he said, "Good." Then he leaned down, stroked her cheek with his other hand, and kissed her. His lips gently touched hers. Closing her eyes, she returned the kiss. After a moment, he leaned his forehead against hers. When he opened his eyes, her beautiful blue ones were staring right into his warm brown ones.
"I want to hold you, but this bed makes it a bit difficult."
Contemplating for a moment, Brennan scooted over sideways the best she could and he moved to sit at the head of the bed. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her close and kissed the top of her head. She snuggled in close to his warm chest and breathed a long sigh of relief.
"This feels good", she said.
"This feels right", he added.
Within minutes, she was sound asleep in his arms. It wasn't long before he followed her into slumber.
