Welcome to the next chapter! Only 1 more to go, so you get an extra long one this go around!
I'm gonna warn ya, there is some sexual content happening in this chapter, but it isn't detailed, only insinuated.
Anyway, enjoy! Review! Let me know what you think! :)
xox
Polkahotness
~Helga~
I closed the car door behind me as I stepped out and made my way inside my house. I was tired of mindlessly driving when I needed to sit down and figure out what I was going to do about Arnold.
"Football-headed freak wants to act like this, huh? Wants to lie to me and break my heart? CRIMINY!" I stomped my way up the stairs to go to my room, completely ignoring my snoaring mother on the couch.
Once I reached my room, I slammed the door behind me and took a few steps only to crumple and sit on the open floor of my bedroom. "I don't know what to do." I admitted to myself; pulling out my phone from my pocket and turning it on so I could look at the picture on my phone's background screen.
It was this goofy picture of Arnold and I; we'd taken it this summer at a beach a town over. Our smiles were big, genuine. One look at this picture and you could tell it's two subjects were absolutely head-over-heels for each other.
I had this picture as my background not just because it was a great picture of us, but because it reminded me how Arnold felt about me. The look in his gorgeous green eyes as he looked at me in the picture showed nothing but adoration and love for me. It was my proof that no matter how we had to act at school, what lies Rhonda spread or what anyone else believed- Arnold loved me. REALLY loved me.
And yet, as I looked at this picture now, I didn't feel anything but hurt. Hurt that it was all ending after it only just began. Hurt that Arnold could hurt me in such a way. Hurt that the beautiful football-headed lover I had come to trust with everything- even my life -had let me down and chosen somebody else the way I always feared he would.
So I cried.
I cried long and hard. I heaved my shoulders and sobbed; completely broken and falling apart at pain I felt in my heart.
There was a soft knock at my bedroom door.
"H-Helga?" My mom stuttered out, and I sniffled hard trying to stop my constant tears but had little success.
"Now... n-now's not th-th-the t-time, Miriam."
"Are... Are you okay, honey?" She asked again.
And as much as I wanted to scream at her to leave; to tell her to buzz-off and mind her own beeswax... that Helga was gone right now.
"N-No...!" I sobbed into my hands, the door flinging open so Miriam could rush to my side.
"Oh honey! Helga, honey, what happened?" She asked as she moved to sit on the floor beside me; wrapping her arms around me to gently stroke her fingers through my hair.
"I...I..."
"Is this about that boy you've been seeing? The one who you've liked since you were younger?"
I pushed myself out of her arms and looked at her; my crying suddenly stopped.
"What? Ho-How do you know about that?" I asked, my words in complete shock.
"Oh Helga, you don't really think I'm that clueless honey- do you?"
I stared at her, my eyes wide.
"How long?"
She tapped her chin thoughtfully as she tried to remember just how long she knew my secret. "Let's see here... I think it was... oh gosh, it had to have been a few years ago now. I think you were twelve?"
Oh my God.
"T-twelve?"
"Mmhm. I found that cute little shrine of yours when I was putting away your laundry one day. You were always so creative, Helga. I just couldn't help myself but look at it."
If I wasn't so hurt right now, I could have killed her for looking at my stuff.
Instead, I stayed frozen.
"Anyway, is it about him, honey?"
I sighed and looked down at my hands. "Y-yeah."
"Oh sweetie. Breaking up is never easy. I remember when B and I first started going together..." her voice trailed off for a moment, her thoughts in another time when life had been easier. "We must have broken up a dozen times. He was always so angry when you've known him, your father. But B used to be so sweet... so affectionate. And I was always the stubborn one- demanding my independence. But we loved each other, and we always ended up back together." She shrugged her shoulders, an air of hurt still surrounding her as she spoke. "Maybe not this time we won't... but he's just so angry now. I'll never know what made B so angry."
"How do you not hate him? I mean... listen to you! You sound like you're still practically in love with the guy! Dad CHEATED on you! It's YOU who should be angry."
"I still love him, Helga. It's your father I don't love. It's him I'm angry at."
"You lost me."
"I love who he used to be, Helga. Before he got so angry. I love the B I married and spent years with all throughout High School. But life changes you. And soon B wasn't B anymore... he was Dad and Daddy. He was yours and Olga's father, not my husband. He started his beeper emporium and then his cellphone company and... and it just made him angry. I don't know."
This was the most Mom had ever talked to me about her and Big Bob. Heck, this was the most Miriam had talked to me about ANYTHING for years now.
I couldn't smell the overpowering scent of alcohol that usually plagued her and her clothes, so I knew she hadn't had anything to drink yet today. She must have been sleeping this whole time.
I didn't get many opportunities to talk to my mom when she was sober. She was only sober right after waking up sometimes when she'd slept for over 8 hours or so. Sure, she was kinda hungover, but her mind was clear and for brief moments (moments I didn't care to admit that I cherished) she was my mom.
"So you mean to tell me that if Bob were to waltz on in here and ask for you to take him back and he was SO sorry about cheating on you and all that- you'd take him back?"
"I'd listen to what he had to say and then yeah, maybe I would."
"But what is even the POINT of hearing his side of the story if you already know he's cheated?"
"That's the thing Helga, I don't."
"Are you KIDDING me, mom? We have proof of him getting rent-a-cars and hotel rooms and fancy dinners AND there was that picture he posted to his business page on accident with that girl and-"
"Helga. None of those are definite proof he cheated. He still has his side of the story and I wouldn't be fair to him or myself if I didn't hear what he had to say."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." I said with a sniffle and wiped my nose with my arm.
Miriam pushed herself up to stand and stumble her way out the door of my room. "I'm going to go make a smoothie, but if you want to talk Helga, I'll just be right downstairs, okay honey?"
I frowned.
There goes mom.
"Yeah, sure Miriam."
Once the door was shut and I was alone in my room again, I reached over for my phone that I had dropped amid my sob-session and pulled up Phoebe's name to text her.
-Hey Pheebs, I got a favor to ask...
"I'm not so sure this is the best idea, Helga." Phoebe said over the phone while I tossed a ball in the air and caught it continuously while I lay on my bed.
"C'mon, Pheebs. It's like... the easiest thing you could do for me. A cinch, really. Piece of cake."
"I just don't think spying on Arnold is the most effective way of solving your problems with him. Why not simply hear his side of the story and go from there?"
"Because, Phoebe," I said firmly; catching the ball and sitting up slightly as I talked, "I want to know what he's doing BEFORE he tells me so I know if he's lying."
"Why don't you trust him? Relationships are built on mutual trust from both parties, Helga. If you can't trust him, perhaps the two of you need to work on your relationship."
I rolled my eyes and lay back down, tossing the ball up and catching it again. "I DO trust him. It's that Lila I don't trust."
Phoebe sighed into the phone. "Helga, when will this animosity towards Lila end for you? You've been with Arnold for a while now. I think it's safe to say, as you would put it, 'you've won.'"
"Yeah, well not anymore. We broke up. Or...well...I broke up with him."
"That seems like a rather dramatic and rash decision, don't you think?"
"Who's side are you ON, Phoebe?"
"I'm on yours, Helga. You know that. I just find it rather... odd that you would dump Arnold so easily. For years now all you've talked about is your undying love and devotion to him."
"Yeah. So?"
"So if it was all really true and you DID love him that much, why throw it all away at a probable rumor Rhonda Wellington Lloyd said was fact? Who do you really believe? Rhonda, or Arnold?"
"But Arnold ADMITTED Lila came over. He even confirmed that she came into his room by the FIRE ESCAPE! That's OUR thing!"
"Yes, but does it really sound like Arnold to cheat? Especially with someone he knows your distaste for?"
Phoebe was striking a chord with me. I was growing angry.
"He's loved that girl since the fourth grade!"
"And is Arnold the same person he was in fourth grade? Do you think Arnold is that same 9 year-old boy, even at age 16?"
"Well... no, but-"
"If you look at the facts of the matter and think about the character of Arnold and everything you know and love about him... Well I would think the answer is clear."
I rolled over to lay on my stomach and drop the ball to the ground; watching it roll to the corner of my room.
"What's your point."
"My point is that you should listen to Arnold. At least give him a chance to explain himself. And then, if you still truly believe he's done wrong by you- then you can choose which ever decision you feel you need to make."
"So I should hear his side of the story?"
"I believe so, yes."
I chewed on my lip for a moment before sighing and going limp as I lay on my bed. "Fine. But will you still do the spying thing for me? Just for my own piece of mind?"
Phoebe jostled the phone for a moment, a door closing in the background as she answered. "Sure, Helga. I suppose I could do that."
"Great. Call me tomorrow with the update!"
I hit the end call button and dropped my phone to the ground; it making a muffled THUMP as it hit the carpet.
Even after all of Phoebe's advice, I still couldn't get that image of Lila climbing into his room out of my head.
Lila. Of all people. CLIMBING into someone's window? Criminy. That's one I'd love to see for myself.
"That's it!" I said aloud as I sat straight up on my bed. "I'll go to Arnold's house and hide so he can't see me, and WATCH Lila sneak into his room. Then I can watch and see if any FUNNY business goes on."
It was brilliant.
I changed my clothes into all black so I could easily disguise myself into the shadows of the ally way that was just outside the Sunset Arms Boarding House, and I watched.
It was chilly outside- the wind was stronger than I had expected -and I was starting to regret not bringing a coat or something to combat me from the cold.
"Come ON football-head. Where is she?" I whispered to myself.
He'd been sitting in his room for about an hour now, and all the kid had done was sit on his laptop working on some video. At first, I assumed it was our Romeo and Juliet project, but when I brought the binoculars up to my eyes to get a better look, I could see that the only thing on the screen was him. He was watching himself talk to the camera?
By the time 9 o'clock rolled around and Arnold finally shut his lights off (which was weird considering he didn't usually go to bed until eleven most nights), Lila had never shown her face.
This wasn't good.
I mean it was GOOD because that meant the odds of Rhonda's story being a lie were getting better and better, but it wasn't what I was expecting.
I was starting to feel like I may have, possibly... overreacted.
But there was still tomorrow. Phoebe had agreed to watch for Arnold and Lila at the nook. And since I wasn't planning on showing my face at school tomorrow since I was in NO MOOD to deal with all the people who would undoubtedly give me shit all day due to Rhonda's flapping gossip lips, I figured Arnold would meet her again since he would think I wasn't watching.
But I'd be watching alright.
Through the power of Phoebe, I'd be watching.
Phoebe came over to my house the next day, earlier than I had expected too- around 11:30. She normally left school right before lunch, seeing as most of her classes were college courses and didn't require her to hang around Hillwood High all that much. I anxiously awaited at the door for news on what all she'd seen while spying on Arnold and Lila.
Needless to say, her news was less than what I expected.
"Nothing happened, Helga."
"What? You're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm not. The only... unusual thing, was that they met earlier than free period. It was only by chance that I saw them there. Besides, all they did was talk."
"Did they hug? Or...or touch?"
Phoebe seemed to find that question entertaining because she smirked and talked through a small chuckle. "Quite the contrary, actually."
"What's THAT supposed to mean?"
"I think you've misjudged Lila. The things she was saying to Arnold, from what I heard that is-"
"What? What did she say? That she loved him? Did she talk about their secret affair?"
"Helga! No!" Phoebe was irritated, which didn't happen very often. I shut my mouth so I could let her finish. "Based on their body language, I believe the two were simply having a conversation, one based on something besides emotion. I didn't quite hear everything because they were speaking quietly, but I can assure you that nothing happened."
"Well... did they see you?" I asked in a small voice.
"I don't believe so. Although, Lila did bump into me while she was walking back to class. I don't think Arnold saw me though."
"Good. Good." I repeated, for lack of a better word.
"Is there anything else, Helga?" She asked, a slight edge of annoyance in her tone.
"No, I guess not, Pheebs. Thanks."
"You seem disappointed. Is something wrong? Shouldn't this information make you happy?"
I shook my head. "No, it does. It just means..." I sighed. "I screwed up. And not just MINORLY screwed up I mean BIG time screwed up. How will I ever get Arnold to forgive me?"
Phoebe smiled, her expression sympathetic to my self-induced plight. "I suppose talk to him? As I said before, once he gives his side of the story, perhaps everything will make sense."
"But he said he can't tell me. All he'll tell me is that I have to trust him and-"
"And you can't." It was more a statement than a question.
"I guess I'm scared to."
"Helga, it's natural to be scared when entering a serious relationship. The two of you have known each other all your lives, and to suddenly intertwine them into one life is a difficult thing to do. But it's all part of growing up. You'll have to do it eventually, whether it were Arnold or not, one day you would have to face the fear of loving someone... and having them love you back."
"But Arnold's love is everything I've ever wanted. Why am I so scared?" I asked, my heart racing from fear at what I had just come to terms with.
"Because, while I highly doubt Arnold cheated on you- only based on what I observed today from the two of them, the possibility that Arnold cheated on you is still there. And losing him, once you have him, is your biggest fear. Isn't it?"
"Guess you're right." I mumbled, wringing my hands together as I focused on the way my skin folded with each wring.
"Why don't you tell Arnold to meet you tomorrow, after school? That will give you the whole day to think about what you want to say to him. I'm sure he'll understand."
"You think?"
Phoebe gave me a thumbs up with a nod. "I do, Helga."
"Thanks again, Pheebs. I'll... I'll ask him to talk tomorrow."
She turned around to leave my house in pursuit of her own, but paused at the doorway. "And Helga?"
"Yeah, Phoebe?"
"Try not to be so mean to him. I know it's your defense mechanism to retort back to angry and a tough exterior, but maybe it's time you let that side of you go. Afterall, it isn't you anymore. Is it?"
Her words lingered with me long after she left.
Haunted me, you could say.
Was I that person anymore? Had I really changed?
I didn't feel like I had.
I tried to look at myself from an objective point of view- to see myself for just a person instead of an identity.
I knew who I WANTED to be. I knew who the INSIDE Helga was.
Funny. Sarcastic. Poetic. Romantic. In love with the boy she'd adored all her life. Loyal. Loving. Independent. Strong. Motivated. Smart.
I knew I was all these things, no doubt.
But I also knew what it was I'd shown the world most of my life.
Mean. Rude. Manner-less. Uncaring. Cold-Hearted. Unloveable.
A bully.
Who knew if Arnold really REALLY knew who that person was that hid underneath my tough exterior.
With all of my thoughts trying to be sorted through and deciphered, it wasn't long before I found myself walking down the sidewalk; kicking a small rock ahead of me with my every step.
I liked taking walks in the early Autumn. The way the world around me smelled like leaves and earth itself made me feel inspired and new- something I didn't feel often.
Arnold never lived that far away from me. The Sunset Arms Boarding House was only a few blocks from my place, which was why it was so easy growing up to practically stalk the kid.
Not one of my strongest points, I'll give you that.
I looked up to the sun roof where I noticed Arnold was standing. I pulled out my phone and glanced at the clock.
12:02? Really? The kid was skipping school!
THAT was unlike him.
With a sigh and a smirk, I pulled up his name and sent him a nervous text.
-Cutting school, I see?
It didn't take long for him to respond.
-Guess so.
Wasn't like Arnold to send two word messages to me.
I frowned, typing him another message.
-So I've decided some things and I figured you and your stupid-shaped-head should know about them. Since they're about us and all.
As much as I WANTED to break down that wall of self-defense Phoebe was always lecturing about, I just couldn't seem to do it. The words came out angry, despite my best intentions. But my heart still hurt. And I wasn't about to let him get off the hook so easily without a damn good explanation.
Which I decided, I should give him the chance to give me.
Sure, I may have screwed up and broken up with him because I overreacted, but I wasn't about to ADMIT that I screwed up.
Like he'd ever let me live THAT down.
-Alright, so what have you decided?
His message read.
I thought for a moment, compiling what it was I had decided into a sentence and sent it off for him to read.
-Well, before I completely leave you to hang and dry for what you've done... Pheebs
I thought for a moment, my own Mother's words coming back to resound in my head. I added to my message.
-...and some other people... say it's 'important I hear your side of the story."
I hit send and then quickly typed another message.
-That is, if you still want to tell me your side. If there IS a 'your side.'
After all I'd done to him so far, I wouldn't be surprised if he never wanted a thing to do with me anymore.
But he replied immediately.
-Of course there's a my side. And it isn't what Rhonda said.
He was still defensive, which was good I guessed.
Meant he still wanted to be with me. And I wasn't about to turn that down.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Prove it. Tomorrow. 7pm at my place.
I chewed my lip for a moment before adding one more message.
-And before you ask: I WILL be in school tomorrow. But don't even THINK about talking to me until 7. I'm still mad at you, football-head.
I hit send again and turned my phone off, then sliding it into my pocket in one fluid movement.
"Good. If he doesn't try and talk to me all day... that'll give me time to figure out just what it is that I'm GONNA say. Criminy." I grumbled to myself as I returned home and climbed up my stairs to once again hide in my room.
Arnold stared at me all day.
And when I say all day, I mean LITERALLY all day.
I must have caught him over ten times within the first five minutes of English class.
I smirked to myself and wondered if this was what it had been like all throughout elementary school for him.
Karma's a bitch, I guess.
Even if I kinda liked knowing I had Arnold's attention all day, I was still mad.
I still wanted an explanation.
Cheating or no cheating, he was still seeing Lila and kept it a secret from me. And as far as I was concerned, that was cause enough to be mad.
Although, the weird thing about the whole deal?
Not a single person said a word to me about Arnold. Not one. Which only meant one thing:
Rhonda hadn't told.
Why hadn't she told?
The rest of the day went by like a breeze, even if my thoughts were going mad inside my head. I found myself becoming anxious for 7 o'clock.
So anxious, that by the time school was done, I practically raced home so I could resort to sitting by the window in my living room to look for his very noticeable football-head as it approached my house.
I'd told Miriam to scram for the night- Olga offered for her to come over and spend some time in her new apartment uptown.
I would have to remember not to hate Olga QUITE so much next time she got on my nerves.
Sure enough, as soon as 7pm turned on the digital clock, I heard 3 soft knocks on my front door.
Showtime... I thought, as I slowly opened the door to see Arnold looking up at me from the stoop.
"7 right on the nose." I said, a small smile on my face. "Would you look at that."
"I couldn't wait."
Managing a sigh, I gestured with my right arm for him to come inside. "Well, come on in Hair Boy. You've got some 'splaining to do." Once the door was shut behind him, I made my way up the stairs to my room.
"Uh... where are we going?"
"My room, doi. You really think I wanna do this out here?" I asked, his footsteps soon following me up to where I was headed.
"But... there's no one home?" He asked, clearly confused by the concept.
"No shit, Sherlock. Any other obvious things you would like to point out before we get this show on the road?"
He entered my still childlike room and looked around momentarily before shutting the door behind him; enclosing us in the small space I had grown up in.
"The show being where I get my chance to explain?"
"What's there to explain, Arnold?" I asked, semi-serious. "I think the facts of the case are pretty much out there."
"All you know is that Lila came over to my house a few times and we met during school to talk."
"Yeah. The two of you met at the NOOK which is OUR place for meeting and she came into YOUR room via FIRE ESCAPE. And I don't think I need to explain why that seems just a titch suspicious to me."
Arnold crossed his arms over his chest while he looked at me. "First of all, the nook is a public place- plenty of people meet there during class. Second, you and I both know we mainly use the fire escape because-"
"We want to hide our relationship from people. Yeah, I think I know."
"At first, yea. But when Grandpa found out last month and I told him what was going on... why did you continue to enter that way?"
I frowned.
He was right.
"Because... because it was more fun?" I tried, but with no success.
"No. Because the boarders all go to sleep early and I was tired of the complaints every morning about the door waking everybody up."
"R-right. And then-"
"And then you started coming over EARLIER, still by the fire escape, because you're stubborn."
"You didn't tell me your grandpa knew."
"Yea, I did, Helga."
"No you didn't."
"Helga..."
I gave up.
"FINE. But what's with the nook? And the more and MOST important question- why meet her AT ALL? And then NOT tell me?"
"Because... it's kind of on a need-to-know basis."
I snorted a laugh. "Do you even HEAR yourself? How am I supposed to believe you if you can't even tell me what you were doing?"
"Because you have to trust me."
"Why?"
"Because that's what people do in relationships. And if I tell you that you should trust me and you'll find out eventually and it won't be this bad horrible thing you THINK it is... then you should believe me."
"I should just... BELIEVE you're not cheating on me? Really? Why?"
"Because it's not like me? And because I love you."
"Arnold..."
"I'm telling you RIGHT now that I love you, and you won't even say it back. I KNOW you love me. What are you afraid of?"
"I'm... I'm n-not afraid I'm just..."
"Look me in the eyes and tell me you HONESTLY, truly, with ALL YOUR HEART think that I'm cheating on you."
"I-I-" I tried, my eyes trying to look into his but he was right.
I couldn't. "I...can't." I settled, suddenly feeling ashamed that I allowed such a silly thing to escalate so far.
He took a few steps towards me, and I would have stepped back, but my bed was directly behind me.
Instead, I fell onto the bed, watching as he continued towards me.
He knelt down to look at me directly in my eyes, and reach out to take my hands. "How can I show you I love you?" He asked earnestly, but I had no answer for him.
"I don't know..." I croaked out, my eyes still focused on his.
His hand reached up to touch my cheek. The nerve endings under my skin went crazy and blood rushed up to my cheeks.
"I don't love Lila."
"But you did once." I countered, my words trembling.
"But I don't anymore." His voice was soft but full of this... vulnerability I'd never seen in him before.
He was baring his heart to me.
Oh... I internally swooned.
"You're... you..."
"Why don't you think I love you, Helga?" His eyes were hurt as they looked at me.
"It's not THAT, it's Lila. She's-"
"SHE'S not the problem, it isn't Lila and you know it. This has nothing to do with Lila."
"This has EVERYTHING to do with Lila! It always has! My whole STINKIN' life she's been RIGHT THERE stealing your affections, getting everyone to fall in love with her. The girl is a viper! That little-miss-perfect-"
"Protected your secret ever since you told her. Ever since fourth grade."
What did he just say? How did he know that?
"So... s-so what? I threatened her life!"
"I talked to Lila today." He said softly, and looked away from me while dropping his hand from my face. "She told me... well she told me something I think you need to hear."
"Oh really? And what could THAT be?"
"That she likes me. You were right about that."
"Exactly. Now if you would just-"
He wouldn't let me finish. He had an agenda.
"But do you want to know what she said?"
"Not particularly." Even though I really did.
Thankfully, he kept going. "She said she never acted on it all these years because he made a PROMISE to you."
"The only thing she ever promised me was that she wouldn't tell anyone. What the hell promise is she talking about?"
"The one where she told herself that, and I quote, as long as she could see the look in your eyes that said you still loved me she would never act on any feelings she may develop, end quote."
I sat in front of him, completely stunned at what he had just revealed to me.
"She even said that she LIKES us together. If she likes us together, Helga, why would she break us up?"
I stayed silent, not wanting to admit defeat. But Arnold was determined.
"So TELL me, Helga." He said after moment. "Why don't you believe me when I say I love you? Why do you think I'm incapable of really loving you the way I know you love me?"
"Because... because you aren't there yet. You haven't loved me as long as I've loved you."
"And that must mean that my feelings for you aren't as strong as yours for me?" He raised his brow as he awaited my answer.
"Uh.. yeah." I finally replied, but he was smiling.
Why was he smiling?
"Well I'm here to tell you, Helga G. Pataki, that you're wrong. Not just about me cheating on you, but about how I feel. You don't know how I feel."
I huffed and crossed my arms as he stood up to sit beside me on my bed, his focus still on me. "Fine. I don't know how you feel. Then tell me how you feel. REALLY tell me, before I... before I change my mind and kick you out of my room."
I could see he was still smiling, even though I stubbornly refused to look in his direction.
"Helga." His voice was controlled, as if he'd been waiting to say these particular set of words to me for ages. "My whole life, you've been absolutely horrible to me."
"Well this is a good start." I mumbled, but turned my attention towards him as he talked.
"But scattered throughout our lives together, there's been these... moments, where you're exactly who I know you are."
"And just who is that?" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"A smart, funny, talented and caring individual who lacks the confidence she puts out for the world to see. Inside," he pointed to my chest where my heart was beating rapidly beneath, "inside is someone who is just as scared of the world around them as I am."
"I'm not SCARED,"
"Yes, you are."
"NO, I'm not, Arnold."
He sighed, reaching up to take my face and hold it in his kind hands. "Yes, Helga. You are."
Tears were pooling in my eyes as we looked at each other.
Criminy... he was so much smarter than I'd ever given him credit for...
"The only thing I'm scared of..." I began slowly, thinking through each word before it left my lips, "is losing you." I smirked at my words. "Sheesh, that sounds so corny."
"Not at all." That face... he looked at me with, with such compassion. Such understanding.
"Arnold?" I reached up to touch his hand as it continued to cup my face.
"Yea?"
"I love you. More than you'll ever know."
He shook his head minimally, his eyes still locked on mine. "I do know, Helga. It's you who'll never know how much I love you."
His lips found mine then, kissing me softly- intentionally taking his time with each moment our lips spent pressed against each other. I could feel tears gliding down my cheek, even though there was nothing I felt sad about anymore.
Here in my room with Arnold's lips moving against mine, here in this moment I knew, without a doubt that Arnold loved me.
The way his eyes had bore into mine, the way he told me his feelings so... so openly had melted any fears or insecurities I had about where we were headed in our relationship.
As he continued to kiss me, our bodies craving the others'. It was with every heated touch and fumbling hand that I knew he adored me.
When he gently pulled my shirt up and over my head, and I his, it was the way he looked at me that made me know he worshipped everything that I was.
Soon, our bodies were naked and trembling as we looked at each other for all we were and all we would ever be- two people who loved each other, truly loved each other.
I licked my lip and bit it nervously. "I... I'm scared." I barely whispered, his body now pressed against mine while we lay on my bed.
"Do you want to stop?" He asked, his breathing labored while he looked down to me laying underneath him.
"No. It's just... I thought you weren't ready."
He smiled for a moment. "I wanted to make sure that when I did... when we did... that it would mean something. That it... it would be special. That you knew I loved you and I knew you loved me."
"But, it's just a Thursday! And...and I'm not about to let you lose your virginity because we just got done fighting a-and then tomorrow would roll around and you'd be all mad because you wasted it all on make-up se-"
"Helga. Stop talking." He said, overlapping my rambling.
I raised an eyebrow at him, my body still trembling under his. "Are you sure, Arnold?"
"That I love you?"
"That you're ready." My arms wrapped around him so I could gently touch at the skin on his back; it feeling warm against my cool fingertips.
He nodded his head, gently reaching up to stroke my cheek for a moment before giving in to what our bodies were screaming for us to do.
It was awkward.
It was messy.
It was disjointed.
There were 'oops's and 'ouch's and 'I don't like that's galore. Every nervous laugh, gentle kiss and soft moan only fueled our bodies to move more in sync with each other. Each motion flowed into the next; the only things between us were passion, fear, trust, vulnerability.
But most of all: love.
Each movement we made felt like puzzle pieces fitting together. Each touch was ecstasy against my skin. Every whimper and every heavy breath- only another exclamation of our love for each other.
My whole life I'd wanted to be noticed, especially by Arnold. I'd longed for the moment where he would finally know my true feelings for him and that one day, he would return them- or at least not reject them.
And here we were, giving each other the most sacred of things- our entire souls. We were doing more than just having sex; we were making love.
I gave into him.
I lived for him.
I wanted him to feel what I felt and know what I knew. He wanted me to let go of my fears and give in to everything he'd always known me to be. My soul nearly lifted from my body and flew into heavens it was so glorious.
And when it was over, I lay absolutely content in his arms. I was completely enamored by what we had just done and what we had just psychically expressed to each other. It was weird that I still found myself scared of so many things; scared of all of the possibilities that the door of our relationship had just opened to us.
But as he softly kissed the top of my head and I snuggled into his side with his warm arms wrapped tightly around me, I knew I wouldn't have much to fear if I had Arnold by my side.
"I love you, Helga." He whispered while we recovered beside each other, our bodies still writhing in complete bliss.
"I love you too, Arnold." I smiled, the words coming effortlessly out of my mouth.
He knew.
I knew.
We knew.
I sat up suddenly in the bed and hopped off to run to my dresser and find my pink journal full of words.
"What are you doing?" Arnold asked from where he remained under the covers in the bed. He cocked his head to the side as he watched my bare body rummage through the drawers in an effort to find it.
"I'm looking for something." I answered absentmindedly.
"That's pretty obvious." He smirked, observing quietly while I located it and began to thumb through the pages.
Finding a blank page, I grabbed the nearest pen (they were littered all over my room) and began scribbling words down on the empty sheet of paper.
"Helga?"
"Shh..." I softly shushed him and continued to write as fast as my hand would allow.
Arnold watched silently which allowed me finish my word fury within a couple minutes. When I was done, I shut the book and set it down to walk back to the bed and flop down on it stomach first. I looked up at Arnold with a smile.
"What was that about?"
"Just writing."
"What exactly were you writing?" He asked with curious eyes.
I shrugged and buried my head in the mussed sheets. "Words."
I felt his warm hands touch at my back, then pull me up to rest on his chest while he looked down on me. "When will you let me read the things you write?" He asked quietly while his fingers gently combed through my hair.
"Not likely, football-head."
"I'm serious. I'd... I'd really like to read what you write."
I twisted to look up at him and pursed my lips for a moment in thought. "It's nothing special."
"That's not what all the teachers say."
"Pssh. They just do that cause that's their JOB."
He shook his head while redirecting his gaze to look out passed me, focusing his eyes on nothing in particular. "They're the only ones you let read what you write. Why?"
I shrugged, suddenly feeling exposed by his observations. "Because what I write are usually assignments? I don't know, Arnold. It's just writing."
"So then what were you writing about? Just now?" He asked again, and I sighed; soon shutting my eyes.
"I wanted to remember this moment. I wanted to remember what I was feeling. So I wrote it down. Big whoop."
"Can I read it then?"
"No." I said flatly, my eyes remaining softly shut.
A full minute of silence went by. I opened one eye to look up at Arnold.
"Yes?" He asked, taking note of my look at him.
"So maybe I show you." I began, finally opening the other eye to look at him completely while I talked. "Then what?"
"Then I read what it is you wrote."
"And if you hate it?" I bit my lip nervously.
But he smiled. "Not a chance."
With a huff, I pushed myself up from the bed and made my way back to where I left my journal. I turned around to face him with one hand on my naked hip and the other holding the journal out towards him. "Gotta come and get it though."
He raised his eyebrow at me. "Oh really?"
"Did I stutter?" I asked, a wicked smirk on my face.
He grinned and crawled on the bed towards me only to reach out and take hold of the journal I was teasing him with. Slowly leaning up, he pressed his lips softly to mine and pulled the journal away from me. With a soft laugh, he returned to where he had been seated previously and opened the worn journal that held so many of my girlish secrets.
With a quiet sigh, I carefully sat down at the foot of the bed and turned my body so my back was to him. I didn't want to see his facial expression.
After a few minutes, he set the book down on my bedside table and moved so he could wrap his arms around me from behind. "Has anyone ever told you that you have an amazing talent for words?" He whispered in my ear.
I shuddered at his cool breath as it hit my flushed skin. "Maybe a few times..."
He nodded in the crook of my shoulder. "Well, that would be an understatement."
I turned to face him. "Really?"
"That was amazing, Helga." He shook his head in bewilderment. "I'm speechless."
"Did you read-"
"I just read what you wrote now. I promise." I smiled.
He's so thoughtful... so courteous... so wonderful...
"But, I just want to throw this out there... I'll read whatever you write any day."
"You're serious."
"Very. It was amazing, Helga. Truly."
I quickly pecked his lips. "Well gee, thanks Hair Boy." I shot him a wink and then lightly nudged his shoulder with mine. "You gotta go."
"You're kicking me out?" He said with a mild pout.
"Miriam will be home any minute now. It's almost ten you know."
"And if I wanted to stay?" He asked with a glimmer in his eyes and a smirk on his lips.
"What? You're gonna turn into some sex fiend now or something?" I teased while he stood up and began putting his clothes on.
"Only if you'll let me." He winked and I felt my body explode in tinglies that made me feel numb.
"O-okay..." I managed, but his laugh was cut off by the sound of the front door unlocking, opening and closing followed by:
"Helga? Honey, are you home?"
I rolled my eyes and moved to grab at my clothes and grumpily pull them onto my body. "Yeah, yeah Miriam. I'm in my room- I'll be right down."
I nudged at Arnold to hurry up as Miriam kept talking.
"I'll just come right up."
"What? NO!" I screamed, now alarmed while I zipped my jeans up and sloppily threw on my shirt. "I uh... I have someone over."
"Oh, you do?" She asked, her footsteps growing louder as they made their way up the stairs.
Arnold and I scurried around the room trying to tidy up the bed sheets and strategically set books around to make it look like we had been studying.
Suddenly, the door knob was turning and Miriam who didn't look too sloshed, was smiling as she looked into the room.
"Who's your little friend here, Helga?" She asked, despite the fact that I knew she knew damn well who was sitting on my bed.
"This is Arnold mom. You know Arnold."
"Hi Miriam. Nice to see you again." He said without missing a beat. Kid was good. I thought to myself.
"Yes, yeah. Nice to uh-to see you again." She winked my way, but I heard Arnold quietly chuckle behind me which only meant he saw it too.
I wanted to turn around and thump him.
And then kiss him.
And then...
"I'll just leave you kids to it." She said after a moment, turning around to shut the door behind her. "If you need anything Helga, I'll be down here." her voice was muffled as she made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen where it didn't take too long before the overpowering sounds of her trusty blender filled the house.
I cleared my throat.
"Still want me to go?" Arnold asked for me and I shrugged.
"Guess you don't have to now."
"Well, do you wanna go get something to eat?"
"Arnold. It's ten. Where are we gonna go?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Wherever. Anywhere."
"Anywhere huh?"
"Anywhere."
"And THEN what, smart guy?"
He leaned in to kiss my cheek softly before making his way to hover over my lips. "Whatever you want."
I nodded my head slowly, staring at him stunned. Who WAS this? "Yeah...uh, alright." I breathed out.
Quickly, he kissed my lips and then stood up off of the bed and offered out his hand to me. "You ready, Helga?"
It was a loaded question, maybe not to him but it was to me.
I studied his hand for a moment as it remained outstretched ready for me to take it.
Am I ready? I wondered to myself. Ready for Rhonda and Harold and for everyone else? Ready to let the Lila thing go? Ready to let everything I was mere hours ago go and follow this boy, this boy I've loved my entire life, in whatever journeys may lay ahead. Good and bad? Thick and thin?
It wasn't a marriage vow, it was just a hand offering to take me out for the night. But no matte what it was, I took it regardless and smiled as I laced my fingers with his and stepped up from where I sat on the bed to stand beside Arnold.
"Been ready for a while, football-head."
