Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.
He purposely chooses a different university to attend than she does, hoping that the separation will dull his desire.
But he forgets that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Perhaps this is why when they meet again, it ends in disaster, and it is his fault.
He still remembers her outrage when she discovered that he had chosen not to attend the same college as her, though he had been accepted, and even offered a scholarship. She had refused to speak to the traitor for days, but in the end, their friendship won out, and she had wished him luck.
He does not feel lucky now, though, because it has been almost half a year since he has seen her, but it is better than pining for her secretly.
His campus life keeps him busy, and he is not sorry to leave behind the high school that holds so many memories; being late and running to school with his brother, feeling proud as his brother is chosen as student council president, watching in awe as his brother plays superbly on his sports teams, learning of his brother's illness, meeting a loud-mouthed tomboy, coping with his brother's death, having his first love...
"Oi, Hitsugaya!"
He sighs, halting his thoughts as he hears hurried footsteps heading in his direction. A moment later, a red pineapple enters his viewpoint; more accurately, it is the ridiculous hairstyle of one of his classmates in college.
"What do you want, Abarai?" he asks, keeping irritation out of his voice. He knows the friendly man means well when he tries to make conversation, but he himself feels rather uncomfortable chatting so casually with someone he has just met after years of being shunned.
The red haired youth simply sends him a grin, unaware of his discomfort.
"Lousy day in class today, huh?"
He shrugs.
"It was alright." He does not mean to sound conceited; academics are just easy for him, and he does not feel the need to downgrade his intelligence just to create a friendship. However, Abarai simply laughs loudly.
"I guess you would say that, being such a freaky genius and all."
He frowns at the word "freak," wanting to be angry, but knowing it is his classmate's twisted way of offering a compliment.
"Is there something you needed Abarai, or did you just stop me to say that?"
The red head chuckles sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Listen, a bunch of my friends and I are going to a football game tomorrow, and we have an extra ticket, so you want to come with us?"
Over the much taller man's shoulder, he can see Abarai's friends shooting them nervous looks. He rolls his eyes.
"I don't think your friends would like that."
"Oh, well, don't worry about them, they're just -"
"It's nice of you to offer, but I already have plans."
"...Oh. Well, maybe some other time then."
He only offers a grim smile before walking away. Behind him, he can hear the murmurs of Abarai's friends, and his classmate's assurances that "he's not that bad of a guy."
Even in college he cannot escape the strange looks and opinions of his peers, but that is okay. He is used to it, and he really does have plans the next day.
It has been one year since the loss of his brother. His family gathers their courage the next morning and make their way to his grave, to mourn during the anniversary.
When they arrive, she is already waiting, simply kneeling and staring at the gravestone with a sad little smile on her face.
The Hitugayas make no sound as they gather around her, turning their attention to the same gray marker on the ground, their expressions solemn.
He does not want to be here. Being here reminds him of the thousands of memories of trying to purge himself of the guilt, and earn forgiveness from someone who can no longer give his pardon.
But she takes his hand – he resists the urge to flinch away – and tugs him down to kneel with her. She refuses to unlink their arms as she claps her hands together, bows her head in respect, and begins to pray silently, using it as a sort of emotional support. He can hardly deny her the comfort.
He watches her for a moment – she does not realize, as her eyes are closed – and his own eyes sadden as he notices that her sad smile has gone brittle at the ends.
He hears his parents shuffle slightly in the background – a quick flicker of his eyes tells him they have dropped to their knees as well. The graveyard is without a sound as the four each hold their own conversation with a lost loved one.
It is a rather suffocating experience. He knows this is not what his brother would have wanted – mourning without a single exchange of words, choosing to make this day more morbid than the rest. But he has never been one to break the silence. So he shifts his linked arm until he slips his hands into the Kurosaki beside him, and squeezes.
She understands immediately.
"Hey, you remember when our high school had a cultural festival when me and Toush were in eleventh grade, and Shiro landed the part of Sleeping Beauty in his class' play?"
Of course they remember; they remember every precious memory they have of their lost family member, clinging to them as proof that he indeed existed.
"Wasn't the Prince also played by a boy, though?" his mother remembers, a small smile creeping onto her lips.
"They drew straws for the parts," he explains.
"If I remember right," his father adds, stroking his chin in thought, the usual wide smile plastered on his face at the hilarious memory, "the student director was so dead set on making the play a success, she kept tryin' to force 'em to really kiss."
"Oh, Tatsuki-nee," the only raven head says, shaking her head and laughing with the rest of the family.
It is just like the funeral; her simple words have relaxed them all, pulling them back into happier times, lifting the tension and silence, as well as their moods. He watches her admiringly.
Soon, the dreaded occasion for which they are gathered is near forgotten, as they each launch into their own stories.
"What about the time we all went on a picnic – sorry, my dad's an idiot, but at least Rukia-nee was good company – and it started to rain? So we all just splashed in puddles – well, Toush was being the usual ass he is and refused, but the rest of us had fun."
"My favorite memory was the Christmas before Shiro graduated high school," his mother decides. "It was so cute when he and Karin got caught under the mistletoe!"
He scowls at the memory, surprising himself at the hostility he feels when he notices the blush on said female's face.
"We didn't even kiss!" she protests. "We were just friends then."
"But not for long, huh? I knew all along. I have an intuition for that kind of thing."
The group continues their banter, laughing happily at memories and honoring a kind soul with an anniversary he would have been proud of.
She is really amazing, he thinks, able to lift the spirits of a heartbroken family with such simple words. She has proven herself, time and time again, to be a trusted friend, already seeming like part of the family. He almost forgets he yearns for something more.
But a reminder is just around the corner.
They are packing up, ready to head out for the day, away from the gravestone and back to pulling themselves together every day.
His mother and father go on ahead, wanting to pay their respect to the owners of the temple before departing, and so he is left alone with his crush.
He watches as she slowly bends down, over the grave, a melancholic smile on her face. She runs her hand over the newly cleaned stone, her fingers following the path of his name carved into it.
"So...it's been one year, huh? Feels longer."
"Yeah."
"Do you miss him?"
It is a question that does not require an answer – she already knows of his pain, having been his comfort for a long time – but he realizes she wants an answer, so he replies.
"Every day."
She breathes out slowly, through her mouth. It makes her shoulders drop, and she seems so much smaller afterwards.
"Me too... Do you think he's happy? In heaven, I mean?"
This is another question he usually would not answer – he is aware that neither of them believe strongly in a happier afterlife – but he chooses to respond, anyway.
"Yes. I'm sure he is. He's probably up there, healthy, and mad at us for remembering all of his embarrassing moments."
She bursts out laughing, but when she quiets down, she looks up at him with a grateful smile, and he is startled to see moisture pooling at the rim of her eyes. He looks away, not wanting to see this weakness in her.
"Thank you..." she barely whispers.
When he looks back at her, the tears are gone, unshed, and she is standing again.
"You're a good friend, Toush."
She hesitates for a moment – he sees her eyes flicker quickly to the gravestone – before she slowly slips her arms around his neck.
He freezes. They have never been this close before.
She inches herself closer, clinging to him for comfort and warmth, but he does not move. His arms hand, limp and useless, at his side, as she buries her face in his chest and breathes in slowly.
For a painful moment they stand sinning at the site of his brother's burial ground. He does not imagine the deep yet quiet sigh of relief that escapes her as she lets go of him, finally. But this is what kicks him into action.
As she pulls away, his arms shoot out, snaking their way around her waist, and pulling her back into his embrace.
She struggles, having not expected the sudden action, but he is not bothered as he places his cheek on the top of her head and inhales deeply.
"Toush, what are you -"
She is cut off when puts his hand on the back of her neck, colliding her face with his chest, and effectively stifling her protests.
What has come over him, he wonders. Has her intoxicating presence finally driven him mad, over the edge?
He thinks so, as he takes a strand of her short hair between his fingers and feels the softness brush his skin. He wants so badly to kiss her, knowing months of dreaming can hardly compete with reality, but instead he brings her hair to his mouth, sniffing it deeply once again before caressing it with his lips – or caressing his lips with it.
"Karin," he whispers.
He drops the hair, being very tender as he slides it back behind her ear, and as he pulls his fingers away, he brushes them against her cheek, enjoying the soft feel of it.
"Toush, what the hell are you doing?" he hears her say, her voice muffled against his shirt. She is struggling again, trying to pull back her face to look at him, and send him the glare he knows is gracing her features.
He puts his hands on her shoulders and pulls her back, so that they are face-to-face, but does not lift his grasp.
"Karin...I-I...I like you."
When the words tumble out of his lips, he feels so...so free.
She knows now. He is free; free of the burden of keeping it a secret, free of the effort of stifling his feelings around her, free of the wonder of what could have been had he told her.
"What...?"
And he chuckles, actually chuckles, at her puzzled tone.
Getting close to her ear, he breathes into it slowly before repeating, in a mutter, "I like you, Kurosaki Karin."
It feels even better saying it a second time, and he is tempted to simply repeat the same phrase over and over again, just so he never loses this emotion of absolute joy.
She wiggles furiously, attempting to break the grip on his shoulders, yet it is no use; he will not allow her to get too far, not when he finally has her so close.
"C-come on, Toush. Stop joking around," she practically squeaks. He feels an affection for her rush through his heart.
"I'm not."
This is when she stills completely, her body rigid, her hands at her side, her head hanging low, hiding her face from view. It is very abrupt, and he is not sure of how to respond to her sudden detachedness, and so he doesn't, choosing to simply copy her sudden strange attitude.
A wind rustles the leaves, a bird chirps, and they stand there for what seems like a very, very long time. Which is why he is not prepared, not expecting it, when she suddenly lashes out, clawing at his body and slapping his hands in a desperate attempt to get away.
She puts her hands on his chest, pulls away roughly, raises her hand, and...
Smack!
His cheek stings, but not more so than his heart as he takes in her angry glare, her lip baring back over her teeth in a scowl.
"That's not funny," she hisses. "It's not funny at all."
"Karin, that wasn't a joke."
He tries to keep the hurt off of his expression, but perhaps she can still tell, because suddenly her eyes widen in rage.
"Don't!" she cries. "Don't you dare do this to us, Hitsugaya! We're friends, nothing more. You can't just suddenly decided you like me, you just c-can't..."
Her anger dissipates, and her expression is bordering on hysteria.
"And why can't I?" he asks furiously. "Do you think I wanted to like you, to know that I shouldn't like you? You wanted to know why I chose to go to a different college, so here it is: it's because of you. It was all for you; walking home with you from school every day so I could be near you, even though it takes twice as long to get to my home from the route we used to take; giving my best at tennis to impress you, even though I hate the sport; going to a different college just so I could smother my feelings, even though the one you're going to offered me a better scholarship."
"B-but...I still love Shiro!"
This is perhaps the most dreadful thing she could have said to him, and she most likely realizes this, because she suddenly claps her hand over her mouth, widens her eyes in horror, turns around, and bolts away from him, towards the parking lot.
He reaches out his hand, wanting to catch her arm and pull her back, maybe apologize just so he can earn her forgiveness and be allowed near her again, but she evades him, disappearing from sight as she runs down the trail.
How could he have been idiotic enough to confess, here of all places, where the reminder of her love with his brother is the freshest? He prides himself on his ability to think logically in any type of situation, to analyze the moment and decide what is the best thing to say or do. But being around her, it changes him, and now it has changed them.
'Well Toushiro', he thinks to himself with a sigh, 'you really messed up this time, you fool.'
However, although he berates his choice, he does not regret it.
I wonder if any of you noticed the subtle change that Toushiro did not once refer to Karin as "his brother's girlfriend" in this chapter. Kudos to you if you did! Though I doubt anyone would realize a change so small and detailed, it is pretty crucial in marking their progression.
Sorry for taking so long to update, but a lot of crazy stuff has been happening. And since I think it's really interesting (it's been on the news!), I'll share it: my state made a cut in property taxes a few years back, and now it's caught up with us. Because of this, we are in a $50 million debt. To lower this number, the school districts have had to lay off 550 teachers. Our poor beloved teachers have been humiliated by being taken out to the hallway in the middle of their classes, told they are fired and out of jobs, and being put back into class. We've had teachers (and students) crying in hallways, unable to teach. The schools have even had subs on standby, in case someone is too upset to teach; isn't that nice of them? (please note sarcasm).
200 teachers have resigned on their own (including my beloved English teacher who I adore. She is such a good person for doing this to hopefully save the job of another teacher, even though she has a son who goes to a really expensive college), and 300+ have been fired. Because of this, a lot students in almost all the high schools and junior highs have been staging walk-outs, where they walk out in the middle of class and refuse to attend class in protest, because we love our teachers! We're buidling more schools in the district and waste budgets on things no one wants or uses (like an endless supply of paper), yet we choose to fire the teachers? It's so unfair!
