Seven Months After A New Dawn (picks up right after the events of "The Rescue")
The pain in Kanan's wounded side and in his lovesick heart throbbed in unison. Hera had avoided looking at him as she mumbled some excuse about needing to go check on Chopper, and she'd quickly slipped out of the Phantom and disappeared into her ship. He let her go without saying anything. There wasn't really anything to say, if she was determined not to say the things that mattered.
But he could sense how tumultuous her feelings were, and he could accept the possibility that her feelings weren't as clear to her as his were to him. He just hoped that she wouldn't decide to shut him out.
His lips still tingled from her kiss.
Kanan hefted the crate of kyber crystals, bitterly grateful for the distraction of the flare of pain in his flank, and climbed down the ladder into the cargo bay. He placed the crate gently on the floor. The crystals within didn't call to him the way his own had, but he could feel them through the Force.
The Gathering, Master Yoda had called it. He remembered going to Ilum with his friends Sammo and Tai to find their kyber crystals. And then, later, Master Billaba took him to find a replacement, after his original lightsaber was destroyed during the confrontation with Rackham Sear at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.
Kanan reminded himself that it was very likely Sammo, Tai, Master Yoda, and every other Jedi he'd ever known were all long dead; as always, the thought was like a punch to the gut. He had spent so much time trying not to think about his past that, whenever he did, the loss and subsequent pain of his former life still felt relatively fresh. The Jedi Temple and its denizens had been his home and his family.
For the first time since that terrible day on Kaller, Kanan felt that he belonged somewhere. But the feeling of belonging ineludibly carried with it the fear of loss.
Kanan recalled Master Billaba's words to Caleb Dume on Mygeeto: "There will be loss- inevitable loss, painful loss. But that must not prevent the true Jedi from taking risks...from surrendering oneself to a higher purpose."
What higher purpose was there than love? Granted, the Jedi had warned against potentially perilous emotional attachments, but Kanan hardly considered himself a Jedi. And as far as he knew, he was the sole survivor of the Jedi Purge. The most powerful peacekeeping force in the Galaxy had managed to get itself completely wiped out; clearly, mistakes were made. To Kanan's mind, there was no sense in following the old, and possibly very wrong, tenets of an Order that had been almost entirely eradicated within the space of a few hours.
He reached out with his feelings, searching for Hera. Her emotional storm continued to rage, but she was calmer than she had been. Knowing her, she was probably trying to distract herself with menial tasks. There was always something that needed doing on the Ghost.
Distraction seemed like a good idea to Kanan. He climbed out of the cargo bay and headed towards his cabin. When he reached it, he paused, looking towards the cockpit. The door was closed. Kanan sighed and pressed the button to open his cabin door. He went to the drawer where he kept his lightsaber hidden, and took it out. The feel of the hilt in his hand was comforting. He headed back to the cargo bay, the only place on the ship with enough space to practice Form III.
Kanan's mind was whirling, and he knew that an attempt at trying to be still and meditate would likely be futile. He needed to be in motion. Previously, he'd only practiced with his lightsaber when Hera was asleep, but now that he thought about it, he didn't know why he'd been hiding it from her. Old habits died hard, he guessed.
Form III, or Soresu, was the form that Master Billaba had preferred, because it was the form that adhered to the Jedi philosophy of fighting for defense only. Soresu was meant to be the calm at the center of conflict, and he had once heard Luminara Unduli say that a true master of Form III was invincible. His Master may have practiced a defensive form, but she had been a formidable warrior- Jedi weren't invited to join the High Council for mediocrity.
The lightsaber hummed to life in Kanan's right hand, vibrating reassuringly against his palm, and the blue light lit up the cargo bay. He assumed the first position, drawing his right elbow and right foot backwards and extending his left hand and foot. He closed his eyes and began moving through the Form, attempting to achieve a meditative state. He saw many things, in his mind's eye; memories of his Master, of his life in the Jedi Temple, of his time working with Janus Kasmir. Then, suddenly, he saw something he had never seen before: Hera, older than she was now. Kanan recognized the cockpit of the Ghost . But Hera's face, her eyes- they were full of unbearable sadness and pain. He could feel the brokenness inside her.
All at once, Kanan returned to himself. He was panting, still clutching the lit lightsaber in his sweaty palm. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a Force vision. And this one…he didn't know the reason for the pain in Hera's face, but the stabbing ache in his pounding heart was sharp and brutal as he recalled it to mind. The wound on his flank burned, as if trying to match his emotional agony.
"Kanan?" Hera said.
Kanan looked up. Hera was standing on the deck above the cargo hold, her hands resting on the railing as she looked down at him with concern.
"Are you okay? You look like you just ran into a rancor."
He was still breathing hard. His mouth had gone dry, and he licked his lips and swallowed hard. He shut off his lightsaber with a zzzzzzzswish . "I don't know. I just saw…I don't know. I don't know what I saw."
She was frowning. "What do you mean, you 'saw'?"
Kanan shook his head. "I don't know. I had a Force vision, but I don't know what it meant."
"A Force vision? What is that? What did you see?" Hera asked.
"I don't really know how to explain it well, but it can be a vision of the past...or the future. They're nearly impossible to interpret. I haven't had one in a long time."
Hera face continued to look troubled, and Kanan saw her face in his vision again, so much the same as the face he saw now, and yet so different. Future Hera's eyes had burned through his soul.
"What did you see?" she asked him again.
"You." His voice sounded tight with hurt, to his own ears.
Hera paused, taken aback. "Me? Doing what?"
"You weren't doing anything."
Her brow creased. "If I wasn't doing anything, then why do you look like you're going to throw up?"
Kanan couldn't dispute what she saw in his face. He did feel a bit like throwing up, so she wasn't wrong.
"I'm all right," he lied. "You weren't doing anything. I don't know what it meant. Like I said, Force visions are really hard to interpret. Don't worry about it."
For a moment, Hera looked like she was planning on pursuing it further, possibly just because she didn't like being told what to do. But instead of arguing, all she said was, "I'm glad to see that you still have your lightsaber. I thought you might."
Kanan glanced down at the hilt in his hand. "Yeah. I couldn't get rid of it."
"And you still know how to use it," Hera added, with a faint smile.
"Sort of. I remember what I learned, but I don't think I'd be much good in a fight anymore. It's been too long since I used it."
"But you can practice on the Ghost whenever you want," she said. "Maybe you just need practice. I don't know anything about lightsaber fighting, other than what I've seen in old Holos...but it looked pretty good to me."
Even though Kanan knew that Hera really had no idea what she was talking about, her compliment eased some of the distress his vision had caused.
"Thanks," he said. He gazed up at her, and she looked back, holding his gaze with her own for much longer than he expected. Normally, she would have looked away almost immediately.
"You're welcome," she said softly.
"How long were you watching me, anyway?"
Hera finally shifted her gaze away from his, her green skin darkening beautifully with embarrassment. "A little while," she admitted.
Kanan smiled broadly, feeling smug. She was crazy about him, whether or not she wanted to admit it.
Hera pointedly ignored his knowing grin. "Anyway," she said, in a louder voice that feigned a level of confidence and composure she clearly wasn't feeling, "I came back here to let you know that I'm flying us back to Lothal. Old Jho sent a transmission- he thinks he might have a new contact for us."
Kanan shrugged. "Sounds good. I hope no one's looking for us when we get back, though."
Hera nodded slowly in agreement, already starting to become distracted by her work. She loved to work. "We might have to lie low for a little while," she said. "I guess we'll have to see what the deal is with this new contact."
Kanan scratched his beard. "What's the contact's name? Or can't you tell me?"
"Cikatro Vizago. He's the leader of the Broken Horn Syndicate. He just set up shop on Lothal, apparently. Jho says he knows a lot about the Empire's comings and goings- for a price, of course."
"A crime lord, huh?" Kanan said, feeling bemused. "That's new for us."
"Well…it's not ideal." Hera said. "But we have to take whatever we can get."
"You're right, unfortunately. I'm not crazy about it. But you're right."
"I'm always right, Kanan," she said, with a wry smile, as if she was vaguely doubting her own assertion. "Meet me in the cockpit for landing," she added, as she turned and headed into the corridor behind her.
"Aye, Cap'n," Kanan called to her retreating back.
There was no point in dwelling on his vision, but he couldn't stop thinking about it. All it told him was that, at some point in the future, something was going to break Hera's heart. He wondered if, somehow, it was him.
No, he thought. I would never hurt her like that. I would die first.
Another thought crept into his mind, unbidden: What if his death was the reason for her heartbreak?
For the first time, Kanan thought about leaving Hera, if only to spare her the pain he'd seen in his vision. But he could not bring himself to contemplate the idea further. He never wanted to leave her. Unless, of course, he could save her life by doing so.
He breathed deeply, squared his shoulders, and went to join Hera in the cockpit.
Notes: I don't know what Kanan saw, by the way. I mean, obviously, he saw Hera, but I don't know where in the future timeline he saw her...yet. I think we all know that Kanan is potentially on the ol' chopping block, given that Yoda tells Luke he's the last of the Jedi. I don't really see Kanan surviving the end of season 4. But who knows? I guess, if he dies, then Future Vision Hera is the Hera that has to deal with that.
