Blackness
Edward didn't even try to stop me from leaving. Though all I wanted to do was fume about him, I realized that I was in a somewhat precarious situation, and tried as hard as I could to focus my attention on the task at hand. Get to the car. The sun was setting quickly, there was barely enough light to walk by now, and very soon there wouldn't be any at all. I knew that I was at least a couple of miles from where we had hopped onto the trail. Thankfully, since I had been to the meadow a few times now, as well as done a fair amount of hiking in the area in the last year or so (specifically, trying to locate the meadow with Jake), I felt significantly more comfortable in my surroundings. Plus, I realized my new Mercedes had a remote control with a spiffy little button to turn the headlights on; as I got closer to it I could use the headlights to illuminate my way.
After about a half an hour, it had gotten almost pitch-black, so I reached for the remote and pushed the little light bulb button. Thankfully, light blazed my way out of the forest as the ridiculously bright and expensive headlights of my new vehicle flashed on. Hallelujah! I hadn't gotten lost, and I was close to the car. It took me about five minutes to make the dash out of the woods. I felt a sudden surge of accomplishment. Given how klutzy I am, and that I had downed two glasses of champagne in the last hour, I made pretty amazing time. And I managed to hike the distance without getting attacked by a vampire, or running into any other unwanted predators, or even tripping and falling on my face.
As I reached the car, though, my good feelings faded, replaced by a smorgasbord of negative ones. I started the engine and took off down the road, not knowing where I wanted to go, knowing that I wasn't ready to go home. I needed to think. I was still in shock at the severity of my words to Edward. I was proud that I spoke my mind and said what was important to me, and he deserved to be chewed out. But I was a bit regretful at the last few lines that I spoke, particularly the part about not being sure about transforming. On the other hand, why did he just give up? Why couldn't he have fought for me, told me how much he wanted me to be a vampire so I could be with him forever? Didn't he know me better than to know that's what I would have wanted him to do? Why did he have to be so damn self-sacrificing?
I also felt a newfound surge of anger towards him, as the realization that I hadn't exactly been in a safe situation in the last hour fully struck home. True, Victoria was dead, but to let me walk around alone in the woods at night? Drive that bells-and whistles car after drinking? He was the one who was supposed to be looking out for me, protecting me; if anything, he was overprotective sometimes. But now he's just letting me go?
I also thought about the implications of what he told me. He really couldn't, and there was nothing I could do about it. And he never told me, which was even worse. I had to get the news from Jacob, who was probably the least desirable person to hear it from, given his- conflict of interest. Or, rather, same interest.
I was thinking hard, wheels turning, churning, trying to make sense of it all. A voice pulled me out of my trancelike state.
"Bella?" It was Billy Black.
"Billy?" I asked, confused. I looked around me. I was in La Push, parked outside the Blacks' house. Now, how in the hell had I ended up here? It certainly wasn't a conscious maneuver.
"Bella, you have been parked here for about a half an hour. I just wanted to come out and make sure you were okay. Are you all right? It looks like your neck is bleeding."
Embarrassed, my hands flew up to my neck. "Uh, thanks, Billy. I'm okay; I just- scratched it. I'm really sorry; I just went for a drive to think about some things. I didn't realize I was here so long; I wasn't trying to weird you out. I'll get going now." I went to start the ignition.
Billy gave me a concerned look. "Why don't you come in and hang out for a little while? Jacob will be back any minute. He's just out for a quick patrol of the tribal lines. I know he'd be happy to see you."
"Uh, okay, I'll stay for a few minutes," I said. I supposed it wouldn't hurt; I was already here, after all, and I had promised Jake I would visit. "I'm just going to wait for him out in the garage." No more uncomfortable conversation with Billy, thank you very much. I needed to think.
"Sure thing, Bella. Whatever you want. Good to see you." Billy wheeled back into the house.
I headed for the garage. When I got there, I felt momentarily comforted. It was a familiar place, and it brought back some warm memories, despite the awful circumstances around which they were formed. The first thing I noticed was our motorcycles, leaning against the far wall. I noticed that Jacob appeared to be working on a different project, a different bike. I opened the door of the Rabbit; sat down in my usual spot, and smiled in memory of Jacob working with his hands, taking twisted pieces of scrap metal and small parts and gradually assembling them into something…. functioning, more complete. He had pretty much done the same thing with me back then.
"Bella?" Jacob's husky voice interrupted my train of thought as he came up behind me. "Bella, it's so good to see you! I'm so glad you came out to visit!"
I turned my head around to face him and he immediately saw the expression on my face. I must have looked like I had been through a war, because he looked pretty shocked. Though I could tell he had been ready to lift me up into another one of his bone-crushing embraces, he could see that at this particular moment I wasn't really feeling up to it. Instead, he sat down in the seat next to me and put his arms around my shoulders, giving me a much softer half hug.
"Bells, what happened? God, you look awful, honey. Are you hurt?" he said, trying to keep his voice light, but obviously worried. He took in the traces of blood at my neck, the remainder of my smudged lipstick.
"Thanks, Jacob, you sure do know how to make a girl feel better," I replied. Despite my state, I couldn't help but chuckle at his bluntness. "I'm not hurt….on my neck, anyway."
"What did he do to you?" Jacob whispered, pained.
"We just had an argument, Jake," I said, trying to brush it off, averting his eyes. "It's no big deal; I'm upset, but I'll get over it. Trust me; he didn't do anything to me…" I muttered, my voice trailing off.
I had meant for that last remark to sound nonchalant, but Jake picked up on it immediately. "What is that supposed to mean? What was he supposed to do to you?" His eyes narrowed, and then bulged as he suddenly seemed to make sense of my neck, my appearance. He started to shake. "Was he supposed to….uh…change you…..tonight?" he questioned me, looking at the ground, trying to control his quivering. I was terrified that he was going to phase.
"No, Jake!" I halted his train of thought before it went any further. "It wasn't about….that. Please, I don't want to talk about it. Please stop." There was anguish in my tone. Having just experienced the rejection was traumatic enough. I didn't need to relive the recent memory. I felt myself on the verge of crying, again.
"Bella?" Jacob had appeared to get a grip on himself. He was now completely focused on me. "What was he supposed to do to you?" A lightbulb clicked on behind as eyes as he put the puzzle pieces together. "If this is about what I think it is, than you need to know, that it is him. It is not you," he emphasized. He put his feverish arm back around my shoulders.
"Th- Th- Thanks, Jake," I stammered, as once again the tears started to fall. I was simply unable to control them. Jacob could clearly tell from my reaction that he had pinpointed the source of my unhappiness. He put his other hand to my face and gently wiped my tears away. He moved his fingertips from my cheeks to my chin, achingly slow, and he pulled it up just slightly until my eyes met his.
"Bella, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Nothing. God, if you only knew how amazing you are, how much of a turn-on you are…" He bit his lip to keep from saying anything more. His russet skin had even more of a reddish hue, and he had an intense look in his deep black eyes, one that I had seen a few times before. I knew what he was about to do.
He leaned in slowly to kiss me, gently pulling my chin towards his face. Like the last kiss we shared before the battle, it was hesitant, sweet, vulnerable. But even though his warm lips touched mine for just a few moments, I could feel their restraint, and could sense the pent-up passion and desire just beneath their surface, ready to explode outward. Passion that I was absolutely starved of. Passion that I had been accustomed to postponing with Edward. Edward. It took every ounce of self-restraint I possessed to pull away.
"I can't, Jacob," I choked.
His fingertips were still on my jaw, practically burning it. His eyes bored deep into mine. "Bella, you know that I'm still in love with you. I always have been. And I had given up hope, but then you had to come back to me with your heart still beating." He chuckled lightly, paused. He placed his other hand gently on my chest, felt my heart thump unevenly. "So I am going to keep fighting for you. I'm not going to give up. And if I'm ever lucky enough to get the chance to be with you, however you would want me to be, you need to know that I would never pass it up. I could never, never, reject you, Bella."
Oh, had I longed to hear those words. They were magic. Sweet black magic. I was under his spell. I had no self-restraint left; zero. I had used it all up. I reached my arms up to wrap them around his neck. He was on fire; I was on fire. "Then don't reject me," I whispered. I kissed him.
