Ch. 9
Step 8: Be helpful and carry her books for her. [December 8th-21st]
It was five in the morning when I crept my way back to the Heads' dorm. Peter had needed to smuggle healing supplies out of the hospital wing and we had a lot of bloody clothes to dispose of.
I hadn't told Peter and Sirius about transforming in front of Lily. By now, Ministry officials could already be on their way to the castle to arrest us for becoming unregistered animagi but I had to hope that Lily wouldn't turn me in.
I tried to convince myself that it would destroy Remus if he'd hurt or even killed anyone, particularly Lily, a friend. Indeed, it would, but I knew that my reasoning in betraying my friends to save her had been wholly self-serving. Protecting Remus was only an excuse I devised afterwards to ease my own guilt.
I couldn't live without her. Even if she hated me, even if she never spoke to me or saw me again, just knowing she was alive would be enough. For me, Lily's safety was worth betraying the name Marauder, the bond that was supposed to go beyond even death.
I'd never been more ashamed by my choices.
I'd never been more relieved by their consequences.
Rosalie gave me a funny look for coming in so late, but she was too sleepy to really harass me. I slipped silently through the portrait hole, hoping against hope that Lily wouldn't hear me. I was halfway to my room when I saw her, curled up on the couch with a discarded book on the floor next to her. She was still in the clothes she'd been wearing by the lake; by the looks of it, she'd waited all night for me in that chair.
I was torn: I didn't want to wake her but I couldn't leave her like that, all cramped up on the couch without even a blanket. Reasoning that I'd moved her before without waking her, I slipped my arms gently under her, amazed at how nicely she seemed to fit against my body.
With relief I saw that her door was slightly ajar, I wouldn't have to put her in my bed again and have to explain why. I had a feeling I would have more than enough explaining to do when she awoke.
Gently I laid Lily down on the bed and pulled the covers over her. I sighed in relief as I stood, watching her continue to sleep.
I was halfway to the door when I heard her murmur, almost silently, "James."
I froze, ready for the diatribe, inwardly cringing already, but when I looked back, her eyes were still closed. "Lily?" I whispered, heart stopping when her lips curved in a smile.
She sighed and rolled onto her side, nestling deeper into her pillows, and I realized she was still sleeping. I couldn't resist, I stepped closer to the bed and crouched next to her, watching her face.
"I love you so much, Lily," I whispered, cupping my hand gently around her cheek as I would a baby animal. "But I know what I feel now is nothing compared to how I could love you if you would let me." I stroked her cheek bone gently with my thumb, "Please just let me."
Lily smiled in her dreams, and I rued the fact that I could never say that to her awake. She wouldn't let me, and somehow, I didn't know if I was brave enough even if she did. Kissing her forehead, I walked to the bathroom to try and shower away the horror of the night.
Lily was waiting for me when I got up in the morning.
Sitting on the same couch she'd been on when I'd found her earlier that morning, she was dressed comfortably in pajama shorts and a sweatshirt, legs curled underneath her body. Though I may be an expert on Lily facial expressions, this one I couldn't read.
"Um, hi…Lily," I said. I looked at the floor, unsure of where to start.
It wasn't until her arms were wrapping around my waist that I realized she'd even moved from the couch. Her soft arms around me were pure ecstasy. Tentatively, I hugged her back, burying my face in her auburn hair, so grateful to have an opportunity to do this when I'd so nearly lost her.
"You saved my life," she whispered, stepping back and looking up at me. "I was so worried all night that you weren't going to come back."
I shrugged, taken aback by her friendliness. "I wasn't going to let you die," I told her honestly. "I actually thought you were going to be mad at me."
"Mad at you?" She narrowed her eyes, "James, you almost died for me. Surely you don't think I'm that heartless?"
I smiled ruefully. "Our track record of seeing eye to eye isn't exactly a good one," I reminded her.
Lily smiled back. "True," she admitted. "But this time I'm fully willing to acknowledge that I am very much in your debt, what do you want?"
It took me a moment to process what she was offering. "Whoa," I said, sticking my hands in hips, surreptitiously holding up the towel around my waist. "An open debt with Lily Evans? What to ask for?" I teased.
"James," she said warningly, though I could sense a hint of a smile in her tone.
I smiled but sat down, staring at my hands. Here it was: I finally had my golden opportunity to get Lily to go on a date with me. She was in my debt, and surely a few hours of one of her evenings was worth her life.
But my mind wandered over to the Gryffindor tower, where my best friends were sleeping, unaware that their biggest secret had been revealed.
"I want you to keep it a secret," I said, not looking up. "You can't tell anyone that I'm, that we're animagi. You have to trust me that we didn't do it just to pull one over on the ministry. We had to."
I finally looked up and saw Lily smiling at me. She sat down next to me on the couch. "James, I offered you anything and you asked for the one thing I would have done anyways?" She laughed, I relished the sound. "I know about Remus."
I looked up at her, horror struck.
Lily lifted one eyebrow at me. "Did you really think I was that clueless?" she asked. "I told you, I spent years trying to catch you and the Marauders at your pranks. It was impossible for me to not realize Remus mysteriously took ill every full moon and the rest of you were always exhausted and occasionally bruised the next morning. I never imagined you'd gone all the way to becoming animagi, but I knew Remus was a werewolf and you were all somehow involved."
I stared at her for a few seconds, amazed and terrified. "How long?"
For the first time, she looked a little frightened. "The end of fifth year," she answered. "I'd been suspicious for a while but it was all Severus would talk about and eventually I put two and two together. I tried to distract him from it, I knew he'd only use it against Remus and he didn't deserve that."
I bit my lip, sitting back into the sofa. "Well then, so much for us being so secretive," I muttered darkly. I didn't want to think about Snivellus and my Lily as friends, particularly discussing on of my closest friends' darkest secret.
"James." Lily's voice drew my eyes back to hers. "I mean it. I owe you for what you did last night. No one's ever done anything like that for me before. I want to repay you."
I was ready to just refuse her, happy that she seemed to trust me now, but then I thought of the list. I smiled mischievously at her and was thrilled to see her smiling back at me. "You have to let me carry your books for you," I told her. "To every class. Without exception. From now until Christmas break."
Lily laughed then, her full bodied beautiful laugh that I'd heard so many times before when she was with Toinette or Carly or even occasionally Remus. "That's really all you want?" she asked. "How many times have you asked me out and I'm finally obligated to say yes and you want to carry my books?"
I smiled at her, grabbing her hand and pulling her closer in spite of myself. "Lily," I started seriously. "When I finally convince you to go out with me, I want you to do so completely of your own free will. Not because you have to."
She froze, furrowing her brow. "You know," she said, half frowning, half smiling. "I'm starting to believe you've really meant it all these years."
"That's all I can ask for."
Lily was waiting for me in our Common Room on Monday morning. Her auburn curls were pulled up in a messy bun, a few loose curls framing her delicate cheekbones and exquisite eyes. Even in the frumpy school uniform she looked like she had stepped out the glossy pages of Witch Weekly's fashion section.
"Good morning, James," Lily said, barely above a whisper. She smiled shyly out from under her extraordinarily long eyelashes and held a small stack of books out towards me.
It a moment for my swollen tongue to remember how to move, let alone form noises and furthermore, words. "Good morning, Lily," I quickly regained my composure, running a quick hand through my hair. "You're looking ravishing today, as always."
I took the stack of books from her, relishing the very fetching blush that illuminated her cheeks. Then I registered the weight of the books in my hands. "Lily," I growled.
She blushed even deeper. "What?"
"These are not all your books." I shifted the stack in my hands. "We have all the same classes, Lily, and this weighs nowhere near as much as all of mine."
She frowned guiltily. "Fine." She pulled a miniscule stack of books out of her skirt pocket and pointed her wand at them, immediately returning them to their full size. She always was better at silent incantations than me.
With my most charming Potter grin I summoned my own books. "Shall we?" I held out my arm towards the portrait hole.
"We shall," Lily said, returning my grin wholeheartedly and leading the way out of the dorm.
"Good morning, Rosalie," we called at the same time as we headed down the corridor.
Lily did a double take and I pretended to be surprised as well. "That was weird," she chuckled. "Imagine, the two of us speaking in synchronization like that."
"Next thing you know, we'll be finishing each other's sentences and buying matching towel sets for the bathroom," I joked, knowing that I was pushing into dangerous territory.
Lily stifled a smile. "Careful James," she teased, elbowing me in the side playfully. "People will start to think I don't despise you," she finished in a whisper, leaning towards me conspiratorially.
I heard voices around the corner, clueless students about the interrupt this perfect morning I was having with her. "Would that really be so terrible?" I asked half joking, half serious, grabbing her wrist without thinking and pulling her around to face me. Suddenly my heart was racing in my throat, my palm felt sweaty grasping her tiny hand and vision had been magnified a hundredfold so I could see every eyelash swish as she blinked in surprise. I needed her so badly in that moment. "Do you really set so much store in upholding this warzone you've had going against me for so long."
Lily met my gaze without least as much energy. Her chest heaving and her eyes the brightest green I'd ever seen. With a plunging sensation in my stomach I realized we were only inches apart, far too close for mere friends, and I wanted more than anything to make that distance even smaller. "James," she murmured, part admonition, part plea, but for what, I hadn't the slightest idea. "I didn't mean to—" she trailed off, helplessly.
I groaned inwardly, breathing deeply of the heady scent that was so overpowering at this nonexistent distance. Slowly, I backed her up to the corridor wall, my hand slipping from her wrist to her hip. Staring deeply into her eyes the entire time, asking her silently if this was alright, I leaned in, finally closing my eyes in the face of imminent bliss…
"Lily, there you are!" Toinette came flying around the corner. "Oh!" She spun around and made to leave as I jumped away from Lily as though she had suddenly transformed into a cross-dressing Snivellus.
"Antoinette! Hi!" Lily breathed, beat red. "Um, Jame—Potter and I were just discussing, um…"
"Non-verbal spells," I interjected. "And the danger of thinking a spell you don't mean to cast once you become proficient at them." I smiled deceptively. "Lily, here accidentally cast a summoning charm on me, and I all too willingly took advantage of it."
Toinette didn't look entirely fooled, but I was the only person who could ever lie to her. If only Lily would stop looking so god damned (adorably) guilty, it would've been no work at all. "Right," she said hesitantly. "Well Lily," she continued, "Ben's been asking me all morning where you are and I can't deal with him anymore. He's all yours."
A thousand banshees screamed bloody murder in my head at the mention of that name. I was so close to having her but still so far. "Right," Lily answered awkwardly. "Then I'll just go see about him." I sensed her glancing over at me but I kept my eyes trained on the cracks in the flagstone in front of me so as not to show the brutal pain in my face. She hesitated a moment then walked away.
"James." Toinette stepped up to me, putting her hands on my shoulders. "What game are you playing?"
I looked up instantly, meeting her eyes in fury. "Game?" I demanded, pulling out of her grip. "She's the one playing with me! One second she's sweet, then demanding, then flirty, then meek, then furious, then awkward, then friendly, then distant. If she wore a mood ring it'd just be tie-die at the rate she changes emotions."
Toinette, listened to my rant patiently and waited for several seconds to be sure I was finished. "You know you'll never get her with seduction," she said. "If you could she would've given in to you years ago."
I sighed, my anger leaving me as quickly as it had arrived. "You're right," I told her. "As always. Let's eat," I said, throwing an arm around her shoulder, wincing as her shoulder blade dug into my arm. "Jesus woman! You could use the food, you bag of bones!" Now that I was paying attention, I could see that she looked paler, more gaunt.
"I actually already ate," she told me, not meeting my eyes.
"Toinette," I pulled her chin up till she met my gaze. "What's wrong? Are you sick?" I whispered.
She frowned. "No, not really," she told me. "Just a flu or something. I was actually just going to see Madame Pomphrey for some Pepperup potion."
"Do you want me to come with you?" I asked, brow furrowing. Antoinette always had a fantastic immune system. As children she always sat in bed with me telling me stories when I had dragon pox or scrofulungus or unicorn fever but amazingly never catching the diseases herself.
Toinette laughed, the warm color I remembered returning to her haggard face. "James, I could never allow you to skip a meal. You'd be about as pleasant as a pregnant blast-ended skrewt if I did. Besides," she added glancing down at the handful of books I carried with a sly grin, "Lily will be needing her books." With that she turned and flitted down the hallway.
I hesitated for a moment and then let her go, walking to the Great Hall. Madame Pomphrey would sort her out. Break was approaching and she would get plenty of sleep then to heal up.
As usual, breakfast was a raucus and entertaining event. Someone had set his friend's robes on fire with some odd, ruby red flames at the Hufflepuff table and McGonnagall was scolding him furiously as the flame-ee attempted to put himself out.
Shaking my head, I walked to where Lily was seated, a seats before the Marauders. O'Leary was across from her but she was reading the Daily Prophet and clearly not listening to his story. As I walked behind her she sensed my approach and looked up, instantly blushing again and knocking over her orange juice.
"Morning," I said calmly, taking a seat between her and Remus. O'Leary stared at me, dumbfounded. In truth, it wasn't all that different from his normal facial expression. Then again, it was exactly the same expression, but he had stopped talking about himself, which definitely was a deviation from his normal.
"Here are your books, Lily," I said, placing them on the table between us and quickly picking up a piece of toast and applying liberal amounts of jam.
A piece of egg dropped off of O'Leary's fork, frozen halfway between his plate and mouth.
"Anything interesting happening?" I inquired casually, gesturing at the paper in Lily's hands.
"Not much," Lily squeaked, quickly taking a deep sip of her orange juice.
I heard Remus chuckle quietly at my side, too soft for anyone else to hear. He was enjoying my nonchalance as much as I was. "You'll like this article," he said, handing me his copy of the paper. "On-going debate about the legality of automatic braking charms in Quiddich brooms."
"Mmm," I toned, taking the paper and reading it, taking a huge gulp of my coffee in case O'Leary flipped the table.
"Lily," O'Leary said, apparently regaining the use of his windpipes. Unfortunately. "Why did he have your books?" He asked in a furious whisper, clearly wishing I couldn't hear him but unable to wait until they could be alone. I relished the venom with which he referred to me. His hurt ego couldn't hurt anywhere near as much as the dull ache in my chest, but knowing he was unhappy made my misery a little easier to bare.
"Well he—um, he…"
"Lost a bet," I interrupted, saving Lily for the second time that morning. She turned to look at me aghast. "We had a little wager going on the Ravelclaw Slytherin Quidditch match and I lost so I owed her a favor. I'm carrying her books for her for the duration of the semester." I smiled winningly at Lily, "With pleasure, of course."
O'Leary stammered for a moment before managing to mutter, "But Lily doesn't like Quiddich."
I shrugged. "Shows what you know," I answered, popping a sausage in my mouth and standing up. "We gotta go, Lils," I said, noting the way O'Leary cringed at my improvised nickname.
"Lils?" she said sarcastically, but she stood nonetheless. "He's right," she said to O'Leary, the kindness and apology in her voice slashing at my cool for a moment. "We have to get to Muggle Studies. Professor Ecklund asked everyone to be early this week." I was impressed with her lie in spite of myself. I knew Lily could lie almost as well as me but so far this morning she'd been pulling at straws so much I'd almost forgotten.
I followed her away from the table with a smug smile on my face. But it wouldn't last long.
As soon as we were in the Entrance Hall she turned on me. "What exactly do you think you're doing, Potter?" she demanded. So we were back to surnames? "Flaunting to Ben that you're carrying my books for me? And you didn't even tell him the real reason why! This whole thing was your idea, not mine!" She furiously ripped the books from my arms, hugging them to her chest like a favorite teddy bear.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, feigning frustration, knowing it would egg her on. "And how exactly do you think your precious little Benny-Boo would react to knowing what had really happened? That you gave me an entirely open invitation to ask any favor from you? I could've asked you to dump him, Lily!" By the end of my rant I actually was getting angrier with her in spite of myself. I covered for her twice already this morning and she was worried about how it was going to screw up her shite relationship with her shite boyfriend.
"I saved your arse in there, Lily!" I reminded her. "And not for the first time this morning either." I watched the color spread from her cheeks all the way down her neck as I reminded her of that little episode. "If anything you should be thanking me right now for covering up your stammering excuses for whatever the hell is going on—"
"And what exactly is going the hell on, James?" she interrupted. "What bloody fuck are you so adept at covering up for me?"
Looking at her tiny frame, shuddering with rage and the satisfaction of having sworn at me, my fury evaporated as quickly as it had appeared. I suddenly let out a huge laugh. "Lily," I said, reaching out as though to stroke her cheek but then thinking better of it and letting my hand drop. "I haven't the slightest clue."
Gently, I reached over and pulled the books back from her arms, taking advantage of her disorientation over my sudden change in emotion. "You promised," I reminded her. She let them go without a fight. I walked towards the huge marble staircase.
"You have to have some kind of dual-personality disorder, Potter," she accused, falling in step besides me.
"Only if you have a quintuple-personality disorder, Evans," I answered evenly.
The post-fight-extreme-civility between me and Lily lasted three days. Then we were at each other's throats again.
"How can you just shrug your shoulders? Sirius wasn't joking, even if he pretends he was, you know he means it!" Lily screamed at me from across our Common Room. Apparently Sirius had made some rather tasteless comments about boiling Snivellus' smelly head in his cauldron over dinner. And apparently snorting hot chocolate out of my nose when she told me about the comment hadn't been the reaction she was looking for.
"Oh come on, Lily," I pleaded, ducking a rather heavy looking potions book flying at my head. "Do you really think Pads would do that? I mean, come on!"
Lily stared at me with blatant horror in her eyes. "Yes! Yes, I do think he would do that." With a sharp flick she resumed enchanting various objects in the room to attack me. "And I'm not so sure you wouldn't either!"
"No!" I dodged several pillows. "Really, I wouldn't!" I ducked a particularly pointy shoe, where had that come from? "I'm not saying he wouldn't benefit from a nice hot bath—in a cauldron or not." I flattened myself to the ground, thanking god for Quiddich reflexes. "It would do a number on all that grease." I was really panting now. "But the logistics alone would never work out—his head is far too swollen fit in a cauldron!"
I was gonna pay for that one. With a scream of fury, Lily sent the whole couch at me and I was forced to finally use magic myself, transfiguring it into a cloud of feathers.
I feigned disappointment once all the feathers had settled onto the ground. "Now look what you've made me do? We don't have a couch anymore." I gestured at the mounds of feathers covering the floor around me. "This is why we can't have nice things."
I was mentally preparing to put up a magical shield for whatever onslaught was coming next, but all of Lily's anger vanished in a fit of giggles. "Look at yourself," she said.
Hesitating in case this was a trick, I finally glanced down at my legs only they weren't there. Instead there were two pillars of white fluffy stuff. Clinging to every inch of my body were thousands of brilliantly white down feathers. Even when I moved they stayed, static cling holding them firmly in place.
"I don't suppose these will be easy to transfigure back into a couch now," I mused.
Lily chuckled and flicked her wand towards me. Flinching in fear of further assaults regardless of her seeming mood swing for the better, I was relieved when all I felt was an odd sensation of pressure, rather like the undertow of a wave at the beach, and all the feathers were magically squeegeed off my body.
"You're better at transfiguration than me," Lily prompted, gesturing to the piles of feathers surrounding me.
I met her eyes, treasuring this moment of peace between us. Without looking away, I slowly moved my wand and reformed the couch, enchanting it back to its original position. Even after the room was returned to normal I kept Lily's gaze, unwilling to break it until she finally turned and walked into her room without a word.
And so we continued in this strange war-and-peace relationship, breaking into fights over the tiniest things the way we had in previous years but always ending them on good terms. The fact was that our relationship had changed drastically after we'd almost kissed, but I didn't fully understand how.
In some ways we had returned to our past, Lily constantly picking fights and myself arrogantly antagonizing her. It was like we had been cautiously tip-toeing around one another all semester and only now were again allowing our true personalities to shine through.
But at the same time it was an entirely different way of arguing because we always resolved the debate in one way or the other and were much more careful not to make public displays as we had in the past. Rather than throwing a bowl of mashed potatoes in my face over dinner as she had in our third year, Lily would now wait until we were alone to pounce.
But there was another dimension to our relationship now that was entirely new to me: friendship. There had been anger and lust in our past as well as occasional camaraderie and civility, but I could never have been able to call Lily a friend with honesty. But in the long hours alone in the Heads' Common Room each night small talk became conversation and conversation became genuine friendship.
On one such casual evening a day before the Christmas holiday I complained to Lily about needing to pack.
"I never got that whole wrist twist just right that makes everything pack itself neatly into my trunk." I stretched my legs out, slouching down into my favorite squishy armchair. "Whenever I try my things just sort of squirm around like they'd been rictumsempra-ed."
Lily chuckled from her seat at one of the elegant desks in the room. Her hair was pulled fiercely back into a tight braid that I had heard O'Leary complaining about earlier in the day. I rather liked the look though. While it certainly did nothing for her beautiful auburn curls, the braid showed off the simple beauty of her face, from the pouty lips to the delicate brows. "I can do it for you, if you want," she offered, her voice breaking through my contemplation of her flawless profile.
"Mmmm," I mused. "I may just take you up on that, Miss Evans," I said. "Have you packed any of your things yet?"
With concern, I saw that her shoulders tensed at my question though she kept her face entirely neutral. "I'm actually planning on staying here this Christmas," she said, too nonchalantly to be natural.
"But why?" I asked, walking over to the desk and crouching down to be on her eye level.
"Well I just have a lot of work to do," she lied, shuffling papers around on the desk and refusing to meet my gaze. "And I just thought it would be easier to stay here."
I arched one eyebrow. "Lily," I said in a warning tone.
She blushed, staring at her hands. After a moment she looked up and I was shocked at the amount of pain I saw there. "Petunia doesn't want me for Christmas this year," she managed in a strained whisper. "Grandma's Alzheimer has been getting worse, and Petunia says she doesn't even remember me anymore, that she doesn't think she's seen me since I was twelve and that it would be best if I didn't see her anymore and confuse her."
I reached over and took her hand without hesitating, ignoring the surprise in her eyes as I wrapped my fingers tightly around hers. "So you're just going to let her do that?" I asked. "You're going to let your sister steal the last family member you have away from you?"
"It's Tuney's house now," she reasoned.
"Are you a Gryffindor or not?" I demanded, perhaps a bit too loudly because she jumped, then glared at me, attempting—unsuccessfully—to pull her hand from mine.
"You know, it's none of your business, James!" she declared angrily. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this." She tried to stand but I pulled her firmly back into the seat.
"You're right," I amended immediately. Boldly putting my other hand to her cheek to wipe away the angry tears that were appearing in spite of her best attempt to remain composed. "You're right, it's your decision and I shouldn't have yelled at you. But really, you love your grandmother, why would you ever give up that relationship or let it be taken from you? I don't understand." I tucked a wisp of hair behind her ear, but quickly pulled the hand away.
Lily shrugged after a moment, studying our entwined hands. "Maybe she's right," she mused, almost as though she was in an empty room talking to herself. "I can barely see Grandma as it is, always away at school. Maybe Petunia's right, and its best to save her the heartache of trying to remember me." I waited, in case she wanted to continue. "I made a choice to put my magical life before my muggle one," she admitted, looking up with guilt in her eyes. "Maybe I don't deserve that relationship anymore."
I shook my head, leaning closer to her. "I can't image that could be true," I answered. "But no one should spend Christmas alone. Come home with me," I asked before I realized the thought had even occurred to me.
I expected a flat refusal and prepared myself for the blunt misery of rejection, but Lily just stared at me, giving me time to gather my thoughts and my courage.
"Come home with me, Lily," I tried to keep the note of desperation out of my voice. "You'd be so lonely here all alone and my mum would love to have more people than just the two of us and Sirius on Christmas morning."
Lily blushed. "I can't possibly do that," she mumbled, looking down.
"Why not?" I asked. "We already live together here, it would hardly be inappropriate, and," I paused, waiting for her to look up again before continuing. "And I'd really enjoy having you," I added.
Slowly, like a flower opening its petals to the morning sun, a smile spread across Lily's features. "Yeah?" she said. "It really wouldn't be any trouble?"
"It would be more than a pleasure," I said, leaning ever so slightly closer, inhaling her refreshing honey-suckle scent.
For the second time in two weeks I was intoxicatingly close to fulfilling my life's dream and kissing Lily Evans, and for the second time in two weeks I was interrupted at exactly the wrong moment.
A loud knock at the portrait hole made us both jump apart like startled deer. "Lily!" My heart plummeted to somewhere in my arse when I heard O'Leary's voice at the door.
"Coming!" Lily squeaked, running to the portrait hole. I sank into my favorite armchair, suddenly absorbed in studying the pattern on the carpet.
I heard O'Leary come through the portrait hole and start at the sight of me. "Are you guys ever apart?" he whined.
"Well he does live here," Lily hedged. I pulled a book off the nearest side table and opened it to a random page but I was too busy eves dropping to take in a single word.
After a pregnant pause O'Leary said, "So have you finished packing yet then?"
Another pause. "Actually, I haven't started yet." Had she really not told him she wasn't going home? Or had he just forgotten?
"How come? We leave tomorrow." I could tell O'Leary was uncomfortable chatting with me in the room but Lily hadn't invited him into her bedroom and the door was closed.
"Well—I, uh, just decided I'd be going," Lily said cautiously, clearly not wanting to admit that she was going home with me. Suddenly, I'd had enough. I was suddenly disgusted with her constant toying with me. In all but name, I was Lily's boyfriend. I was the guy who she came to with her worries, the one who noticed enough to ask her about them. I was the guy who knew her favorite color, band, and flavor of tea. I was disgusted by the way she took advantage of how hopelessly in love with her I was.
But more than anything else, I was disgusted with myself for letting her.
With a sharp clap I snapped the book I was holding closed and tossed it roughly back onto the table and walked to my room, closing the door firmly behind me and throwing myself on my bed. I willed myself to stay in place but I couldn't help myself. It took all of ten seconds for me to creep back to the door and press my ear against the key hole, hanging on every word that passed between them and hating myself for it.
"What's going on, Lily?" O'Leary demanded. "How can you possibly say there's nothing going on between you two when you're going home with him?" he demanded. "That's bullshit!" In my new mind of clarity, I realized that O'Leary was right, as much as I hated even thinking it.
I could her the pleading in Lily's voice and it made me want to crush the doorknob I was suddenly clutching for dear life. "No, it's not like that!" she pleaded. "We're just friends!"
Bullshit! I wanted to scream through the door but I had forgotten how to move my tongue.
"You can't go," O'Leary said.
Lily snorted. "You can't tell me what I can do!" she yelled. "What's wrong, don't you trust me?" I thought of the several times we'd almost kissed, one of which was only a few minutes ago. Did she really think she had any right to ask that?
"Honestly Lily, no, I don't trust you." O'Leary said. I hated that I could half find myself sympathizing with him. "And I sure as hell don't trust James!" Sympathy gone. "You two have been acting like a hell of a lot more than friends the past few weeks."
"We're Heads together!" Lily resisted. "It's business. That's it. Do you have any idea how difficult my job would be if we hadn't learned to get along and be friends? Have you conveniently missed the fact that we still fight all the time? He's still the same arrogant, toerag, Potter he's always been, and he still drives me crazy, but I've got to work with him." To say it felt like someone had hit me in the gut with a dozen bludgers would be an understatement.
"Whatever Lily," O'Leary said after a long silence. I heard the portrait hole open and close.
"Ben!" Lily called. Another long silence. Then a knock. On my door.
I swung the door open, and for the first time, seeing Lily did not instantly lift my spirits.
"I'm guessing you heard all that," she said to her shoes.
I didn't answer.
"Look James—"
"Save it Lily," I said, surprising myself at how cold my voice sounded. "I think you've made it crystal clear how you feel about me. I'll save you the trouble of trying to decide between your boyfriend and being a good Head Girl. You're uninvited to my home for the holiday. I promise it won't affect our Head duties together."
"James," Lily pleaded and I finally met her eyes. I could acknowledge that they were as stunningly beautiful as ever, but I saw them as I would a very pretty pair of eyes in a magazine photo, not the eyes I'd been so bewitched by over the past seven years.
"Good night, Lily," I said, closing the door in her face and dragging myself into bed.
I'd have to say Step 8 was an absolute disaster.
