Leo clutched a photo of Karai to his plastron, tears streaming down his cheeks, and thought, we had so many plans and now they're gone and all because of Raphael. My darling. I couldn't help her in her darkest hour. All I could do was lie there, as Raphael mercilessly slaughtered her. He has to pay and he will. I want him to suffer and him to die. It's the only way he can atone for his actions. He gave Karai no mercy and he deserves none.
Leo placed the photo on the bed, stood up, grabbed his katana and headed to the infirmary.
XXXX
Leo entered the infirmary, saw that Mikey had nodded off in his chair and contemptuously regarded a sleeping Raphael.
"Now you die," Leo whispered and raised his katana. "An eye for an eye."
Mikey suddenly woke and launched himself at Leo, knocking him to the ground and yelling for Donnie's help.
Mikey screamed when he was flipped over and the katana pierced his shoulder, blood immediately gushing out of the wound.
"What's goin' on?" a sleepy Raphael asked, opening his eyes and gazing at his warring brothers.
Donnie arrived, took in the scene and managed to drag Leo off of Mikey.
"What the hell happened?" Donnie asked, tending to Mikey's shoulder.
"It hurts, Donnie!" Mikey whined. "I think it needs stitching."
"You're going to be fine."
"I didn't mean to hurt him, Donnie!" Leo said apologetically. "I just wanted to get at that bastard, but Mikey wouldn't let me and somehow the katana pierced him and... I'm sorry!"
"Get out, Leo!" Donnie shouted, his eyes blazing. "Get out. I understand you're mad at Raph, but violence isn't the answer! Mikey could have died and what if you had killed Raph? Get the hell out and go to your room!"
"No. I'll leave," Raphael said in a broken voice.
"Yeah. Leave, you piece of shit," Leo growled. "And don't come back. You're not wanted and you won't be so lucky next time! I never want to see you again. You're dead to me, Raphael. You have five minutes to pack. I don't care where you go. Just fucking leave."
"I don't want Raph to leave, Leo!" Mikey said. "It's Christmas. Come on, Leo. Please."
"I'm leader and he goes. Dad would have wanted it. I want it. What are you waiting for, Raphael? A hug goodbye? Just fucking go!"
"Raph," Mikey wept, as his emerald skinned brother got out of bed. "Don't go. Raph, please."
"I gotta, Mikey, but ya guys can visit me. I love ya and Donnie. Leo, I love ya and I woulda never willingly hurt ya. I hope someday ya can forgive me and…."
"He's not leaving," Donnie snapped, rising to his feet and staring evenly at Leo. "He caused tremendous heartache, I get that, but it was the damn drugs and he doesn't even remember doing it. He loves you, Leo. More than he loves us. You're his hero and he's suffering knowing what he did to you. I'm not taking sides, okay? All we've got is the four of us, Leo. How can we ever get past this and heal our family if he leaves? How? And besides, where the shit would Raph go? All he knows is the sewers and us. You can't, Leo. Avoid him if you have to, but banishment? No. I won't allow it and if you banish him, me and Mikey will go with him. What do you say about that, Leo? Do you really want to lose us all? Is that what you want, especially at Christmas?"
Donnie never challenged Leo, so they all stared at him in astonishment, their jaws dropped.
"Keep him out of my fucking sight," Leo growled, now composed, his sapphire eyes blazing. "I mean it, Donnie, and you should know this family may never heal. You can thank Raphael for that and stay away from me as well."
Leo stomped off to his room.
"Donnie, ya shoulda let me go," Raphael said. "Leo's gonna be on the warpath with ya now as well."
"I can handle him and he can never stay mad at me for long. I love you, Raph, and we'll never abandon you, okay? You'll always be our brother."
"Love ya too," Raphael said, his green eyes filling with tears. "Thank ya."
"You're welcome," Donnie said and got out his medical kit. "Mikey, I think you need twelve stitches. It won't take long," he added and cleaned Mikey's wound.
Mikey nodded and said bravely, "Thank you. I hope Leo forgives Raph someday and that our family will heal. That'd be the best gift ever."
"It'll happen. Leo still loves Raph and couldn't hate him forever. He's just hurting, Mikey," Don said and started stitching Mikey's shoulder.
Mikey winced, but he didn't cry.
"Nah. He ain't never gonna forgive me," Raphael said sadly. "Ya know it and so do I. That's the reality, so stop thinkin' it's gonna be roses and a happy family. It ain't, okay? Leo loved Karai. Could ya forgive someone, who killed yer sweetheart and who raped ya? Could ya? Can ya honestly say ya could do that? I don't know if I could, so I understand how Leo's feelin' and I also understand if he don't want kids born of our romps. Would ya want that millstone and a reminder of yer biggest shame? Can ya imagine how our leader, who's always been the pinnacle of virtue, feels? And he probably wanted his first time ta be with Karai, but it was with me, his damn brother. No wonder he's so pissed and repulsed. Ya would be too. Don't judge Leo or accuse him of bein' an ass. He ain't bein' one and I'll punch ya if ya call him one. He's tryin' ta deal with it. Sure, it ain't how ya think he should act, but who are ya ta judge him? Ya ain't walked in his shoes. I get ya love me and want me ta stay, but try ta see things from his perspective."
Donnie said, "You have a point. We haven't experienced what he has, but we hope he'll find it in his heart to forgive. He has to for his own good and yours."
"Yeah. I suppose, but don't pressure him. It's his call, okay? If he decides he don't never wanna forgive me, ya gotta accept it. Just like I gotta. I mean, I'll miss him and I'll always love him, but I'll respect his choice and remember just because he hates me don't mean he don't love ya, okay? He loves the shit outta ya guys and there ain't nothin' he wouldn't do for ya, so don't judge him for his behavior towards me and be civil and kind ta him. He needs yer support just as much as I do."
"All right," Mikey said.
"He has it, but he must stop thinking I'm taking sides," Donnie said and bandaged Mikey's wound. "I'm not, Raph."
"I know that, genius, but he's so mad right now, he can't see straight and sees any love ta me that way, okay? Try ta understand his point of view. He's been raped by his brother. I still did it, even though it was the drugs. I fucked him, subdued him. Have ya any idea how soul-destroyin' that must be? He also prides himself on his masculinity and bein' raped by a man, especially yer brother and then possible kids is a mind fuck of note. Poor Leo. No wonder he's a train wreck and all ya two is judge him for his callous behavior of me. See it from his point of view. Please."
"I'm trying."
"I kind of do," Mikey said. "But he has to…."
"No," Raphael chimed in. "He doesn't gotta do shit, Mike. That's the thing. He can do what he want and no matter what decision he ultimately makes, ya gotta accept it and still gotta be there for him. I might not always be here and he needs ya guys."
"You're leaving, Raph?" Donnie said in astonishment. "Are you serious? Where will you go?"
"I am if there are babies. I won't have them subjected ta a hostile environment. Fuck. It's one thing for me ta endure it and I can, but them? They don't deserve it and they never asked for none of the shit. I didn't neither, but I'm old enough ta deal with that and Leo's hostility. They ain't and I don't want them ta know it. I only want them ta know love and peace. And before ya ask, ya can visit me all ya like. I'll still be in the sewers. Just not at the lair."
"But how will you cope?" Mikey asked. "You don't know a thing about babies, Raph. Can't we live with you?"
"I'll learn. Who knows, maybe a miracle will happen and Leo will wanna know his kids? I'd be happy for them if they did. Every kid deserves two parents. That's the best I could hope for and I'd settle with that, because after that scene with Leo, ya can see that I will probably never get forgiveness, as much as I'd love it. I'd give anythin' for it. Even my life, because I love Leo and nothin' will change that. Ya can't live with me. Leo needs ya. I'm goin' ta sleep. I'll bake cookies and do whatever in the mornin', but remember what I said 'bout Leo. Respect him and love him."
"Raph, are you sure you can handle the responsibility?"
"No. I ain't sure, but I'll do my damndest ta be a good daddy 'cause they deserve that. I love them already so much it hurts. That's insane, because I don't even know if there are gonna be babies. I wanna protect them and love them, ya know? They'll be a reminder of Leo and the love he once had for me, so how can they be wrong, even if the circumstances were?"
"Man, you're a remarkable guy to be so understanding, Raph," Donnie said in awe. "And so brave to accept the kids."
"They're still mine, ya know. I couldn't turn them away. They need me. I'm gonna get some rest. Ya can stay with me if ya like. Move the stretchers closer, but no snorin', Mikey."
"Dude, that's not me. You snore. I hope you and Leo have your happy ending!"
"What do you mean by that, Mikey?" Donnie asked.
Raphael glowered at Mikey and said, "I love Leo more than a brother, Donnie. I always have, but I denied my feelings, because Sensei said it was wrong and he beat me when he heard me wankin' off ta a photo of Leo. I want the kids, because I love them and because they also represent what me and Leo coulda had if there was romantic love. Maybe that's twisted and fucked up, but…."
"It's not, Raph, because Leo had the same thoughts about you. I shouldn't tell you, but…You…He asked Sensei's permission to court you two years ago and Sensei freaked out, thrashed him and called him a deviant for loving his brother. He told me, because we were always close. He ignored his feelings for you, thinking it was sinful. Then he met Karai and focused on her. Don't tell him you know. He'll be furious."
"Man, so much coulda been avoided if we'd been allowed ta date," Raphael said despondently. "None of this woulda happened. Fuck Sensei and just because Karai's gone don't mean Leo's gonna admit he loves me. Not after everythin'."
"Miracles happen, Raph," Mikey said. "Maybe the kids will bring you guys together. I'm hoping so anyway and that our family will be what it used to be."
Raphael said nothing and climbed into bed.
Donnie and Mikey pushed the stretchers next to Raphael's and got into bed.
"Night Raph. I love you," Donnie said.
"Love you guys," Mikey said.
"Love ya guys too," Raphael said and closed his eyes.
Why couldn't Sensei have let us be together, Raphael thought? It'd have saved so much heartache. Will the kids really bring us together? No. Leo won't let that happen and he's gonna hate me for the resta my life. I gotta leave and I will when the babies hatch. My priority is them and they're gonna have the best life.
A/N Next up, a not so merry Christmas.
