Chapter Nine: Rayne Bow and Cloud Burst
Firepaw: No, Bluey, I won-
Bluestar: (grabs onto him) NOOOO! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME, HOMESLICE!
Firepaw: (pats her on head) OK, OK... people are staring...
Bluestar: (wails)
Tigerstar: (snickers and takes pictures with his camera phone) MUHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN TRASHING THE MULLET! I'M A-SENDING THIS ONE TO OAKHEART!
Firepaw: (thinks for a moment about Oakheart's rage, and then about the picture of Bluestar he saw in that magazine, weighing them) Uh... maybe you should get a new plot!
Tigerstar: (stops laughing) Huh?
Firepaw: Yeah!(skims through books) Uh... what about recruiting your sons-oh, wait that's from the New Prophecy, and you're already dead...
Tigerstar: (eyes bulge)
Firepaw: Anyway-HOLY STARCLAN!
Tigerstar: What? I succeeded?
Firepaw: No... SANDSTORM AND I HAVE DAUGHTERS!
Tigerstar: (tumbles over laughing as Firepaw mutters 'I'm a DAD in the future? Sandpaw and I- Holy...)
Firepaw: OH. MY. STARCLAN. You ain't gonna laugh at this one, Tigger.(smirks)
Tigerstar: (alarmed) What?
Firepaw: Your son is infatuated with my daughter.
Both: (stare at each other for a long moment, then both faint)
Bluestar: (begins to flip through books) Geez... I get killed protecting this retard...
Firepaw: (sits up) Well!(sly look) Apparently Sandpaw doesn't think I'm a retard!(high-heeled boot hits him in the head)
Sandstorm: (walks in) Retard!
Firepaw: But honeybunny!
Sandpaw: (sticks tongue out) The author was just being a dork! Now I shall hate you with vengance until book 2, in which I mysteriously start to like you!
Firepaw: OK...
Tigerclaw: (wakes up) Sorry everyb-(looks at Firepaw and Sandpaw) What'd I miss?
Bluestar: (hands him popcorn) Well, Firepaw is apparently a playa in the future-
Tigerclaw: He's a playa now..grumble grumble...
Bluestar: ANYWAY, the author was being an idiot as usual-
Author: HEY! I prefer dork!
Tigerclaw: EEK!(clutches head and goes into fetal position) The voices... they're calling me!
Bluestar: That's nice.(looks up at sky where author seems to be living) You can't handle the truth!
Author: I admit that. I also admit that I have a weird infatuation at throwing bricks at things that annoy me.(throws brick at Bluestar, which is successful, since I have given myself quite the arm in this story, and hits her in the head)
Tigerclaw:(gets up and stares at Bluestar) Hmm...(steals popcorn and begins to scarf it down as quick as possible so he can blame Firepaw for something)
Bluestar: (wakes up) Who... who ate my
popcorn?
Tigerclaw: Firepaw! He diiiiiiiid it!
Firepaw: Now that just sounds wrong.
Bluestar: (shakes with anger) Firepaw... it states that in page 13, paragraph 56, article 1000000000000000111-(takes out ginormous book and spectacles) Do you WANT me to read it?
Everyone including Author: NO.
Bluestar: Anyway... eating the leader's popcorn is a symbol that you want to leave the clan and beat us with hockysticks!
Sandpaw: Gasp!(beats Firepaw with hockystick)
Tigerclaw: Wait a gosh-darn minute!
Sandpaw, what are you doing here?
Sandpaw: (shrugs)
Bluestar: Sandy, sweetie, when somebody says something like that, it means they want you to GET OUT.
Sandpaw: I'm not goin' even if you-
Dustpaw: Hey Sandy, I got you a cupcake!
Sandpaw: Oh-gotta bounce!(bounces off)
Firepaw: (muttering to self) Who says
'gotta bounce' anymore...?
Bluestar: So. Do you wanna go or-
Firepaw: (breaks into song) YOU HAVE TO
LET ME KNOOOOOOW! SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?
Tigerclaw:
(cough-speaking) Go!
Firepaw: (beats him with hockystick)
Tigerclaw: See Bluey! He does wanna beat us with hockysticks!
Bluestar: Dude...(puts on Earth Mother outfit, complete with floor length hair) You like, totally need to embrace both parts of you... the Yin... and the Yang...
Firepaw and Tigerclaw: (freak out)
Bluestar: I give you your new names... Rayne Bow, and Cloud Burst...
Firepaw: Right... so I'm off the hook?
Bluestar: Whatever your heart desires, Cloud Burst...(wanders off to strum her guitar and meditate in front of shrine to Oakheart)
Cloud B-I mean, Firepaw: HAHA!
Tigerclaw: Foiled again!
Yellowfang: Hell-O! MY saying!
Tigerclaw: So. What about my new plot?
Firepaw: Uh... how 'bout you try kill Bluestar? She's gonna go nuts anyways-
Everyone: She already IS nuts.
Firepaw: -And I need an enemy to fulfill that retarded prophecy. You know, all that junk.
Person: Excuse me? Tigerclaw? But we need to give you a ticket.
Tigerclaw: (in amazement) Officer Guy?
Officer: NO!(exasperated sigh) Officer Other Guy!
Tigerclaw: Oh. Why do I need a ticket this time?
Other Guy: You need to pay five bucks before you can plot. The Plot Law.
Tigerclaw: But... but... but... AW FISHSTICKS!(looks for wallet)
000
So? R and R!
