In the weeks after, Maui seems changed, subdued to the point of depression and we all see it. He sets to each and every task like it's a personal mission to accomplish them perfectly, berates himself when things go wrong and becomes almost a stanger amongst us. I understand to a point, I can see the hurt he's going through. Though the act of love between slaves is forbidden, it doesn't take away the fact that we do feel, that we do love, that we do fall in love. We can't simply turn off those feelings like a switch when we are expected or ordered to.
He and Kono kept their affair secret but now, in the aftermath, it's evident to see how the experience has affected him. Not only has he lost her, but he blames himself because he was involved in the reason why she isn't with us anymore. They are both equally to blame, but her punishment seems greater to him than his own and he steeps himself in guilt because of it. He can't see that his own punishment, being denied to love is equally as harrowing and torturous. The only person he reacts to is Danny, always a little more animated, trying to smile and drag himself through the situation.
But Danny works long hours at times and isn't there to see Maui shut down around us, how he's drifting from us, like he's part of the household but doesn't belong. It's like living with two different people, around us he's a stranger, but when Danny is home it's like he comes alive. But it's a false presence, a shadow that surrounds him, hiding his grief from his Master because he doesn't want to endanger his status in the household or anger him because of it.
Attempts to drag him out of his stupor have been exhausted and though I've tried to tell Danny, how Maui acts so differently around us, it's hard to convince him something is wrong.
"He's just finding it hard to adjust Steve," Danny tells me when I bring up the subject again. "Of course he doesn't want me to see him upset about it. It's going to take time for him to get over Kono."
"Please Danny, talk to him," I ask him, to the point of begging. "He'll open up to you if you push him enough."
"I'm not going to force him to tell me what I already know," Danny replies, in a tone that tells me he doesn't want to talk or argue over this any more. "He's already suffering enough, I'm not going to prolong that by constantly bringing up the subject."
"But Danny," I try but he turns to me with a steely gaze and I know I'm pushing my luck.
"That's enough," Danny snaps at me. "We're not talking about this any more."
I swallow down any arguments I have and look away, but my worry remains.
I hope that time is a healer but Maui's silence is deafening. He barely speaks a word to the rest of us slaves, he gets on with his work and he seems less melancholy that before. But it's like he's broken and needs to be fixed only we can't piece him back together. I decide to try a different approach with him. I sense he somehow feels he's shamed us all with his behaviour and can't be forgiven for it. I felt the same way but my relationship with Danny means I'm more easily able to fix things between myself, him and my fellow slaves. Strangely my bond with Danny is stronger and tighter than before and that seeps into the rest of the household.
Maui is aware of his precarious position now. He's dissapointed Danny not once but twice and he's also painfully aware of how much can be lost if he fucks up again. I think he feels if he makes a mistake around us that when Danny finds out, that he will be sent away. He fears to grow close in case he loses us and views us as spies ready to pounce on his every mistake. The one person in the house when Danny isn't home that he can't feel this way towards is Grace.
She may only be a baby but at eighteen months she knows everyone. We are her family and she's comfortable around all of us. Danny didn't hire another nanny once he sold Kono. I may be new to being a parent but you learn quickly and together with Kim we've settled into a routine with Grace. But I start to make excuses to get Maui involved with her, together with Kim we feel it may be the one way we can reach out to him. When Grace was first brought home Maui was terrified of her. He wouldn't hold her and was wary of being around her lest he somehow break her or cause her harm. Babies are strange creatures but you get used to them, they're just small human beings who need to be nurtured.
I've taken to asking Maui to watch her so I can go do some small task. Maui is comfortable enough around her now that he's perfectly happy to sit with her. My small tasks end up taking me a long time, once I start returning to find him happily entertaining her. Kim also applies the same practices and eventually Maui starts making up his own excuses just to spend time with Grace.
He takes her for strolls in the privacy of our gardens, sits with her on the lanai and entertains her with toys, funny faces and stories. He helps with her feeds, changes diapers and settles into nannying like he was born for the task. I start to sit with him sometimes when he's with her and at first he makes excuses to leave so he doesn't have to talk or feel awkward around me, but that soon passes.
He finds me one day on the lanai, it's a warm sticky day, too hot to be inside but no breeze ouside either. The heat always makes Grace tired and she's asleep against my chest as we sit in the shade and I waft a fan over the both of us to keep us cool. Maui comes and sits down with a smile.
"I've fixed the air conditioning unit in the nursery," he tells me. The damn things has been acting up for a few days and we had to move the cot into Danny's room until it was fixed. Too warm on the evenings for Grace to sleep there while it was broken.
"Thanks, I'm sure she'll appreciate it," I reply with a small smile.
He sits back on his chair and watches me before his eyes shift over the sands to the water line. He stares for a long while, a strange expression in his eyes. It's always there now, the sadness and self doubt.
"Maui," I say carefully. I can already see the shutter sliding into place, like he senses my questioning before I begin. "Don't you think you should talk about it?"
"About what?" he deflects but he drops his eyes and starts fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt.
"About what's gone on the past few months," I reply. "About how you've been feeling."
"I'm fine," he tells me, though looking at him, hearing him, it's evident he isn't. "Why do you care any way?"
I sigh and shift a little, Grace stirs for a few seconds but rests again.
"I care. We all do," I assure him, even if he doesn't want to believe it. "We're all worried about you. You're different, you've changed, around the rest of us slaves any way. I see how you try around Danny, not wanting him to see the struggle you're going through. He wouldn't punish you for it Maui. He'd want to help you through it, but he can't help you if you pretend you're okay."
"I don't want him to see it," Maui shakes his head violently at me. "He'll think I can't let go, that I haven't moved on. I can't let him down again Steve, you know that. I haven't got any chances left and I don't want to hurt him any more."
"Trust me Maui, I understand you don't want to," I tell him. "But don't you think it will hurt him to find out you've been suffering in silence all this time because of what has happened. That you're carrying around this burden because you're terrified of his rejection. He loves you Maui, he loves all of us. I've tried telling him you aren't happy, that you're finding it difficult but he doesn't believe me because you hide it so well from him. He understands you're hiding your upset over Kono and what happened, he accepts you need time to get over it. But he doesn't see the depression, the silence, the self doubt and fear you're in. It would kill him to find out you've been making yourself suffer like this."
"And that's why I can't talk to him," Maui says, voice broken and face crumpling into a wince and frown. "I've put him through enough. For him to know I've been hiding this, that I didn't trust him enough to talk to him about it. You heard what he said to me. I can't afford to hurt him again Steve. I'd rather live with it, suffer like this and risk losing my place here, to risk losing him."
I can understand his fears, but he's displaced Danny's words into meaning something they don't. Danny meant them as a means to prevent Maui lying to him again, doing an act that would bring him and the household into danger. They weren't meant for Maui to suffer eternally under the fear that any small act of wrong doing would mean his dismissal from the household.
"Do you remember everything he said to you Maui?" I say to him, trying to get him to see reason. "Do you remember he told you he loved you? That he cares? Don't turn his words into some form of self imprisonment on yourself. Shutting yourself down and showing him what you think he wants to see will become exhausting, you'll only suffer in the long term. He can't help you be the best person you can be unless you open up to him."
Maui shakes his head. He can't see that what he is doing is anything other than a way of keeping his place in Danny's life.
"Please Maui," I ask him hopeful he'll at least consider my advice. "Please talk to him. The only person who can convince him something is wrong so you can both fix it is you."
"I can't," he sighs softly, running a hand over his face and sighing with the heaviness of the weight on his shoulders.
"Yes you can," I assure him. "You just need to be brave and remind yourself who he is and what it means to you to be part of his life."
We don't talk about it again and though I hope he will talk to Danny that evening, he doesn't. I can't force him to talk, neither can I convince Danny any more that something is wrong so I hold my peace. The weekend hits and Danny spends time at home with all of us, commenting on how good Maui is with Grace now, seeing for himself how they've taken to each other. I excuse myself when Maui appears in the nursery where Danny is amusing Grace on her swing seat. I feel perhaps time will be the pay off, that the more Maui is left alone around Danny that his reservations about talking will start to falter.
That evening there's a tap on the door. Danny and I are fooling around and usually he'd ignore the knocking until we're finished or growl at the interruption and tell them to come back later. But I feel perhaps Maui has finally built up the courage to come and speak to him and can't risk him being rejected. I lay a hand on Danny's arm as the tap occurs a little louder this time, ignoring my arousal as Danny's fingers stroke my cock quick and efficently.
"Danny," I gasp, more for his attention at the door than his touches.
"They'll come back later," he grins and sets to sucking on my neck as his fingers grasp me more firmly.
"Maybe you should see who it is," I manage to grunt out giving him a small push.
Usually I'd not be so reluctant which causes him to pause and look at me with a questioning look in his eyes.
"What's going on?" he asks suspicious of my behaviour.
"Just please, see who it is," I urge him.
He pulls off me from where we'd ended up half lying on the bed and I press my palm down hard on my cock to stave off my erection. He walks to the door and opens it a crack to question who ever it is that has disturbed us and I hear Maui's voice answering him.
"I need to talk to you Danny, please," I hear him say, the strain and tightness in his voice.
I manage to fasten my pants back up as Danny opens the door a little more. In other circumstances he'd have told Maui, or any one else to come back later. But I think he detects Maui needs to have this conversation now or never. I stand up and head over to the connecting door to the nursery as Danny ushers Maui inside.
"I'll give you some privacy," I mutter, escaping into the nursery before Danny can question me.
I sprawl out on the easy chair near Grace's cot and wait.
