"This Awesomeness"

Chapter 9: This Unfortunate Turning of Events

Link woke to the sound of organ music.

He groaned, his whole body aching as he struggled to move. Apparently, he was back in the tower, and the only explanation for that could be...

"So I died," he muttered aloud. Great.

"Well, if this is the afterlife, then I led a worse life than I thought!" someone growled to his left.

Link turned his blonde head, wincing, to see Ganondorf stretched out beside him in all of his evil glory, cursing like a Goron in ice water. His large hands were bound in front of him, and around his ankles there seemed to be some sort of manacle. A thick, metal chain was attached to it and disappeared beneath the boss door. After Link looked down and saw his own hands were tied, he shook his pointy-hatted head in bewilderment.

"How did we get up here?"

The Gerudo was attacking his wrist bonds with his teeth, but he paused to spit out a piece of fiber. "You can stick around and find out," he grinned, "but I am content to believe I sleep-walked."

Link got the hint. He rocked himself into a sitting position, flinching at the pain induced at the sudden movement. That door must have hit him hard. He flared his nostrils and huffed. Dreadful cuccoos; they just would not die.

The organ music got louder.

The Hylian brought his wrists up to his mouth so he could gnaw on the rope. He really hoped it would not taste bad. Then again, if it tasted good he would certainly eat it, but the thought of having foreign rope in his stomach was not at all that appealing. Link decided to give it a test lick.

"Hmm... salty," he mused, "like a fish."

"More like a Goron's armpit!" Ganondorf snorted, scraping rope from his tongue with distaste. "I am telling you, Hero, it only gets worse as you go!"

Link recoiled in horror. "That's nasty!" He thrust his wrists from his as far as possible and shuddered with disgust. "How can you even say you've tasted an armpit?"

The Gerudo paused a moment, contemplative. Then a slow smile spread across his face. "Some experiences," he said deeply, "are just worth mentioning."

He loved making that little Hylian squirm.

Link crossed his eyes and tried to find his happy place. 'Okay,' he thought taking a deep breath, 'I'm going to open my eyes and find that lush green hill with butterflies and little yellow flowers, and there will be pretty rainbows in the sky... That's right, a bright blue sky, dotted with big fluffy clouds!

He peered from beneath his lids expectantly.

"Wanna play?" Bulbous yellow eyes stared into him.

Ganondorf almost bit his finger off at the horrible scream that suddenly rendered the air. Jerking his head towards the noise, he saw the Hero pulling at his face, rolling back and forth on the green carpet and blubbering like a baby Goron. He reached out and grabbed Link's shoulder with his still bound hands.

"Hero - what's wrong?" he bellowed, trying to find an injury. "Badness, you sound like a -"

"A SK-SKULL KID W-WITH A S-SCARY MASK," Link sobbed, "TOOK OVER MY H-HAPPY PLAAACE!"

Ganondorf blinked in surprise, then furrowed his brow and shoved him with a growl. "Oh, quit your whining! We're not in your 'happy place,' we're in the afterlife, remember? So shape up and start acting like the Hero of Time you're supposed to be!"

Link sniffed and was about to retort -

Suddenly, the chains at their feet tightened and yanked them flat on their backs. The high stone ceiling started rushing past them. They were being dragged, like hammer-struck torch slugs, towards the door, which remained firmly closed, which could be a problem if they got any closer, which made Link particularly unhappy since his tunic was riding up his -

"I HATE MONDAYS!" Ganondorf bellowed.

Link's inquisitive look was lost from view as the boss door lifted, and the two were pulled into the room.

Light exploded everywhere.

When they finally stopped, Hero and Villain lay there, burning eyes squeezed shut, ears ringing from amplified organ music. Even Ganondorf had not escaped clothing issues after being dragged across forty feet of carpet, so both of them were in great discomfort. Link's hat, of course, had remained intact.

And it was natural that the two of them, once their sight recovered, opened their eyes to see two different things.

Link was usually able to analyze his surroundings almost immediately after being thrust into a situation. However this time, for all his skill, he found his gaze fixated on something near the ceiling.

The large pink gem that Princess Zelda had been imprisoned in... was empty. There were no blonde locks, no tears, nor even any essence of "pretty" to indicate she had been there. No, instead, there was a little man.

Link could not believe what he was seeing. The little man was suspended directly beneath the gem by a rope. He was wearing green spandex, a pointy green hat, and a stark red speedo. His slanted eyes were peering at a map in his hands, and the black mole by his red nose twitched as he slowly bobbed up and down. The possibility of him being who Link thought he was seemed incredibly unrealistic, but after so many hallucinatory events happening in such a short period of time...

The Hero swallowed thickly past his dry throat and stared fearfully up, eyes wide from his defenseless position on the floor. His lips barely managed the word:

"Zelda?"

Ganondorf, like Link, also took stock in his surroundings, and it was he who first noticed the rigid row of cuccoos lining either side of the broad red carpet. Though their beaks pointed straight ahead, their evil red eyes glared at the two men.

And as Ganondorf watchfully lifted his bulky and chained frame into a sitting position, it was he who first spotted the figure perched upon the organ's pew, its straight back partially veiled by a long sheen of blonde hair. There was no mistaking that figure nor the dark vibes coming from it. Ganondorf rolled his eyes heavenward and railed at the goddesses for cursing him with such bad luck.

"Oh, she just had to touch the organ, didn't she?"

The Hylian, through his shock, began to pick up on the music. It sounded like a violent version of Zelda's lullaby, and was feasibly the reason why she might have undergone such a drastic change. He felt a shiver under his skin and was speculating what the song might do to him when the music faded... then stopped.

Heavy silence suffused the throne room.

A compelling force drove Link's gaze from the little bobbing man to the carpet, then the red stairs at the end of it, and finally up the stairs to the still and foreboding organ player. Suddenly he sat up. He felt himself gaping as he ogled from the figure to the pink gem to the figure again.

"Oh, Princess Zelda!" he cried with relief. "I'm so glad it's you!"

Beside him, Ganondorf pressed his lips together and surveyed his chains. He glanced back up at the organ. Then, carefully, he lay back down on the carpet.

Princess Zelda stood up.

Slowly she turned, step by step, inch by inch, until the full measure of her blazing blue eyes seared into the Hero and withered him on the spot.

"Hello, boys. Miss me?" She lifted her hand before her, the Triforce symbol radiating yellow magic. One blink, then she stepped to the right and slammed her fist into a dark gray pillar. It crumbled into dust. She smiled, her teeth flashing scarily. "I think not!"

An approving gaggle of cackles rose from the ranks of cuccoos.

Link started and glanced around nervously. "B-But we did miss you. See?" He held up his bound wrists with a weak laugh. "Here we are! Now let's get these off, shall we, and have a proper cup of milk?"

The room stilled again.

Beside him, Ganondorf barely stirred as he turned his head. "Hey... Blondie..." he muttered.

"What?"

"Don't encourage it."

A soft, eerie laugh rose the hair on the napes of their necks.

Ganondorf remained pressed against the floor as Link's eyes riveted on the form of Zelda descending the stairs towards them, her skirts flowing gently against her legs. She stopped on one of the middle steps and blew mortar dust off her knuckles, then clasped her hands against her heart.

"Oh, Link," she sighed sweetly, her blue eyes shining. "I always knew you could talk."

The Hero felt himself warm significantly by this new approach. He sat up a little straighter and flicked a stray lock from his face. "She's not so bad ..." he murmured to Ganondorf.

"No, idiot, don't -!"

"Anything for you, princess," Link said, cocking his head in a charming manner and allowing a lazy smile to grace his face. However, his blood ran cold at the feral grin Zelda speared his way.

"Anything?" she hissed. "'Anything,' you say? Suppose I asked for your life then! Would you give it to me?"

Poor Link shrunk back and touched his throat. This situation was getting way out of hand, and he had no idea how to deal with it. Ganondorf chuckled quietly, his large bulk shaking the floor.

"You've brought this upon yourself, you know," he commented.

"Well, I don't see you trying to help!" Link answered in exasperation. He shut his mouth as the princess's sharp voice pierced again.

"What, fraternizing with your enemy, Hero of Time?"

"I am not!" Link protested. "We're friends now, not enemies!"

"Say WHAT?" Zelda and Ganondorf yelled simultaneously.

The cuccoos stirred restlessly. Above, the little man hummed a creepy little tune as he swayed, making maps. 'Everything in this room is hostile!' Link's mind lamented.

Ignoring their red-hot glares, he gestured towards the cuccoos. "What about them?" he pleaded. He was desperate to lose the attention. "Those things are practically the enemy, and you've promoted them as your body guards!"

"The cuccoos? Enemies?" the dangerous, beautiful princess scoffed.

Zelda clucked deep within her throat and held her arms out. The two cuccoos closest to her waddled from their rows and hopped-flew up the stairs to her. She leaned down, letting them flap up and perch on her curled fingers. They nuzzled her cheeks as she brought them to her face, and Link and Ganondorf gaped in disbelief when she nuzzled them back and cooed to them lovingly.

"These creatures are not the enemy," she continued after a moment. "Why, they're practically citizens of Hyrule!"

Ganondorf slowly sat up, not wanting to be vulnerable on the floor after the next comment he couldn't resist giving. "If they are citizens, we must be like gods then!"

One hundred intense red eyes and two stabbing blue ones bored into the Gerudo King.

Zelda released the cuccoos to return to their posts. Taking the stairs two at a time, she reached the bottom in three strides and stood towering over Ganondorf. Link had wisely lain down now that the roles were reversed.

"No, you," Zelda stated crisply, "are the oppressor of citizens. How long did you lock those poor birds up? What was it, seven years?"

"Good riddance, I say," Ganondorf muttered. "Pesky little buggers . . . It's not like they had to eat or anything . . ."

"Wrong!" the princess trilled, her hands coming to her heart. Her eyes filled with tears. "They are fed on love! Anju could not properly love them, but she was allergic, so it's understandable. You, however, were completely capable, yet you scorned them, imprisoned them, merely because you could not see beyond their annoying feathery exteriors."

A gale of clucking swept up to the rafters of the throne room. The adoring eyes of the cuccoos seemed to say, "We approve of this message."

The King of Evil was not moved.

"What do you want me to do?" he scoffed. "Kiss them? Nuzzle them? Pat their fluffy little tails? I assure you, I will be doing no such thing in my lifetime."

Zelda's temper flared. "Why you- !"

As the two bickered, Link had settled on the floor as comfortably as he could, for he was still suffering from the effects of clothing-twisting carpet-burn. He gazed up at the ceiling and tried to think. Already had he classified Zelda's moods into three modes: nice-mode, scary-mode, and man-mode (man-mode being when she turned into a Sheik). He himself was trying to get into 'plan-mode,' but there was a teensy problem that prevented him from focusing: the little green man.

Every idea that popped into mind was swept away by the sway of stubby legs. The bob of red bottom put a shudder down his spine. However, when he tried to close his eyes, a disquieting hum of song would raise goose bumps on his arms and blot out every image save that of a midget suspended with ropes from a large, pink gem.

There was no escape.

Finally, Link could take it no more.

The Hero heaved himself to his manacled feet with all the dexterity of a warrior and exclaimed, loud enough to halt all conversation: "What IS that thing?"

Zelda and Ganondorf followed the direction his hands were gesturing.

"Tingle," they replied simultaneously.

Link gaped at this "hands-on" knowledge. "But where did he come from?"

The princess glared at Ganondorf one more time and turned her back on him, walking up to the dais. He stuck his tongue out at her as she sat facing them on the organ pew.

"Ganondorf - she's a princess!" Link quietly admonished at his rude gesture. The Gerudo shrugged.

"And? I'm a king!"

Zelda clacked her fingernails along the bench. "Let's see," she began, looking thoughtful. "Tingle showed up some hours ago... or was it days? Hmm... Time flies when you are waiting to be rescued, doesn't it?" She looked pointedly at Link. "Anyways, he came floating up the stairway with that red balloon of his and opened the Boss door, which was already unlocked. Here he was, singing," she delicately shuddered, "when he spotted me inside that suspended pink gem. It was such a pretty pink; it just had to be his. He said he'd trade me a map for it. I said I'd take a fairy for it."

"A fairy?" Link asked.

"Yes, a fairy. They bring you back from the dead, they give you 'advice' - what can't they do? So Tingle did. He gave me a fairy for it, though it pained him so. He mentioned something about 'betraying kin.'" She grinned wickedly, slipping into 'scary-mode.' "So here I am, finally free! Now all I have to do is decide how to punish the two of you."

Ganondorf and Link looked at each other.

"Punish us?" Ganondorf said carefully.

"Of course." She shrugged. Her nail-clacking became faster.

The Hylian gulped past his suddenly slack tongue and wished he was still on the ground. "B-but...There are witches on the loose! Who will protect you?"

"Witches?" Zelda frowned. "Witches... witches... Oh!" Her brow smoothed as she brightened. "You mean 'mothers.' Two very concerned mothers, mothers who miss their babies very much."

"Oh no..." Ganondorf whispered. "Please NO..."

"Oh, Koume! Kotake!" Zelda called. "Look what bad boys have come to see you!"

Two large, dark forms materialized on either side of the princess and swooped down upon the prisoners. Kotake's biting cold claws latched onto Ganondorf's forearms. When Link glanced up and saw how large Koume's nostrils were, he almost fainted.

"How should we punish these boys?" Zelda asked, smiling sweetly.

The hags grinned. "Put them to work in the kitchen!"