Chapter 9

Two weeks later...

While it was true that the next two weeks were preparations for the coming surgery, for Tim, it was really a chance to come to grips with what was going to happen. He was afraid of what would happen. He was afraid of losing his toes. He was afraid that something would happen and Dr. Egbert would be wrong and things wouldn't turn out well.

He took a deep breath and waited. He knew the others would be coming soon. His parents were off looking for Dr. Egbert. He was waiting. They would start prepping him for surgery soon. In fact, the nurse had already taken his stats and she had said she'd be back in a few minutes.

When he woke up, he'd only have two toes instead of ten. His ears would be deformed. He'd have gaping sores on his legs.

"But I'll still have my hands," he whispered, trying to dislodge the sick feeling in his stomach. "I'll still be able to walk. It'll be okay. It'll be okay."

"You're right."

Tim looked up and smiled.

"Where's everyone else, Boss?"

"Talking to your family."

Tim nodded.

"You all right?" Gibbs asked as he sat down beside Tim.

"Sometimes. Sometimes, it's okay. Sometimes, it's not." Tim swallowed and then smiled weakly. "Right now? It's not."

"It will be."

Tim looked at his toes. They were exposed at the moment and even he could admit that there looked to be nothing worth saving on them. He looked at his hands. The skin on his fingers was extremely sensitive and he couldn't use them much, but it was a stark contrast between his hands and his feet.

"I hope so. Right now...thinking about it makes me feel sick. I don't want this to be real," Tim confessed. "I know I've had time. I know that it's going to be okay...but...right now...I just want to wake up and have it all be a dream."

"That's not going to happen, you know."

"I know." Tim took another breath. "Boss?"

"Yeah?"

"I know it's silly, but could you just tell me one more time that it's going to be okay, that it's not the end of the world that I'm only going to have two toes on my feet? Could you tell me that once?"

Gibbs nodded.

"It's going to be okay, Tim. Everything is going to work out fine. It's not the end of the world."

Tim smiled. "Thanks, Boss."

The door to the room opened, then, and it seemed like half the world had spilled inside. Abby ran over and hugged him. Ziva wished him luck. Tony cracked jokes. Ducky and Jimmy, even with as odd and chatty as they could be, barely got a word in edgewise. The NCIS people did clear the way for Tim's family, but it was only with reluctance. Tim forced a smile onto his face when he saw his mom and dad. His mom really wanted to be here with him, and he knew that his dad wouldn't have dreamed of not being here if he could possibly manage it, but still...

"How are you feeling, Tim?"

"I'm fine, Dad. Little nervous, but I'm fine."

There was a knowing look in his father's eyes. He wasn't fooled, but he was going to let Tim continue to fool his mother who just gave Tim a watery smile and kissed him on the cheek. Tim flushed a little.

"Oh, I know you're a grown man, Tim," she said. "But right now..." She shook her head and mimed locking her mouth closed. "Everything is going to be just fine, and the offer is still open."

"I know, Mom, but I'd rather stick around here. The physical therapy is really great and I'm already established. ...but that doesn't mean I won't visit and let you take care of me for a while."

As he had hoped, his mother laughed and some of her tension eased. She was strong enough to deal with all this, but he didn't want to make her if he didn't have to. Mom had gone through enough what with worrying about Dad every time he deployed.

Tim had so much attention that he was actually a little relieved when Dr. Egbert came in and ushered everyone out so that Tim could be prepped. Once everyone was gone, he let out another whoosh of air.

"Ready, Tim?"

"I guess so. Can't really change my mind."

"Well, you could, but I wouldn't recommend it."

"Will I feel them gone?" Tim asked.

Dr. Egbert's brow furrowed slightly.

"What do you mean?"

"Will I feel my toes when they're gone? I read about it...phantom pains or something?"

"It's a remote possibility, and it rarely happens with frostbite. Your body is already rejecting the frostbitten parts and so it's much less likely to result in reactions like that...but if you do feel something like that, tell us. There are things we can do to help manage that kind of pain."

"Okay."

"Any last questions?"

"How long will it take?"

"It will seem like no time at all to you. You'll fall asleep and wake up when it's over. It will take a few hours."

"Okay."

"Just lay back and let us do our job, Tim. You'll be fine."

Tim nodded. In no time, it seemed, he was talking with the anesthesiologist and she was putting him to sleep.

"How are you feeling, Agent McGee?"

For once, Tim didn't try to hide it. In the encroaching fog, he was completely honest.

"I'm really scared."

The anesthesiologist smiled sympathetically.

"Just relax. Everything will work out. When you wake up, you'll be in recovery and we'll move you to a room after you've awakened."

Tim didn't have a chance to say anything else.

He was out.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Timmy? Are you awake?"

There was a voice. He thought he recognized that voice. He was stuck in the snow, though. Wasn't he?

"Timmy."

"He might not be awake yet, Sarah. Just be patient."

"I thought I saw his eyes open...just a little bit."

Two voices. What were they doing out in the snow. It was really cold.

Wasn't it? He shivered.

"Tim."

"C-Cold...Dad." He struggled to open his eyes, but he only managed it for a moment.

"Is that normal?"

"Yes. It is. I'll get him a blanket."

There was a weight over him. Not snow?

"Tim, can you hear us?"

Yes, he could hear.

Finally, he got his eyes open and saw his family. No snow.

"No snow?" he mumbled.

"No, Tim. None."

"Good."

"How are you feeling?"

"Weird."

"That's also normal, Agent McGee."

"Okay."

Tim let time pass without paying a whole lot of attention to it...or to anyone around him. At some point, they moved him into a room. He was mostly disconnected. He heard them, answered questions when asked, but there was a kind of blunted feeling to his perceptions at the moment.

"Tim, why don't you take a rest for a while. We'll be here when you wake up."

That sounded good to him. He fell asleep with no effort.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony couldn't stop looked at Tim's feet. He was alone with Tim for the moment. Tim's family was taking a break. The others were at work, but Tony had decided to take a half day and sit with Tim. The problem was that he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that Tim now had two toes where he'd had ten. His ears had lost some of their size. His hands were still raw and tender.

In short, Tim was still not himself, and after the fear of the tumor before, Tony was surprised that he was still so worried about everything. It wasn't like he had been the one going through it. It was all Tim.

...but he couldn't help remembering one night, shortly after Tim had told them that he had a growth in his abdomen, before they had known it was benign. Tony had decided to drop by Tim's place, hoping to cheer Tim up, help him forget his problems for a while.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Hey, McGee!" Tony said cheerily.

"Hi," Tim said and stood back, but there was a lot of reluctance in his expression. "Tony, I'm not in the mood, okay? No cheering me up. Right now...you can't."

Tony was surprised at how glum Tim was. There was none of the bravado he had been showing to them all before. He'd been emphasizing the likelihood that it would be benign, that he'd have surgery and everything would be fine. ...but now, nothing was fine.

"Hey...I'm sorry, Tim."

Tim sat down on his chair by his computer. He stared at the floor.

"Tony...I just found out that I could die. If this is malignant...I could be dead. I'm sorry. I just can't be upbeat right now. I can't be excited about anything. I'm just...trying to look toward the time when these tests are done, when they can take it out...and I can hope that my life will go back to normal." Tim actually sounded a little teary. "Right now...I can't...deal with someone pretending like things are all right."

Tony pulled Tim's desk chair over and sat down.

"Tim, I didn't realize how you felt...and...I'm sounding like a Hallmark card, but what I can do?"

Tim looked and him and managed a smile.

"Don't let me give up...because I don't feel like myself right now. I feel like I'm halfway to dead already and...what if I go the rest of the way?"

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Now, Tony was seeing Tim with another big battle ahead of him, and Tony was afraid of seeing Tim give up again. That night had been the moment when Tony had realized just how bad things could go, and he had actually felt some fear himself. The feeling was similar now.

Tim's eyes fluttered open and he blinked a few times. Then, his eyes traveled around the room, resting briefly on Tony...and then moving to his feet. They were covered with loose bandages right now, protecting the new sutures from infection.

"Hey, Tim," Tony said softly.

"Everything went okay?" Tim asked, almost in a whisper.

"Yeah. Dr. Egbert said it went off without a hitch, everything like they expected."

Tim nodded, not seeming very happy about that.

"Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"You all right?"

"No miracles?"

"No."

Tim nodded.

"I...I guess that's...what I should have expected. Part of me was hoping that I'd wake up and they'd have discovered that things were better than they thought. I knew it was ridiculous."

"Yeah...but that's okay."

Tim smiled a little.

"It's so...surreal. It's... I don't have toes on my right foot anymore. I only have two on my left. I..." Tim looked at Tony. "I don't know how to think about it. I'd been trying to deal with it, and I thought I had...but...it's the...reality of it." He shrugged helplessly. "I'm...deformed."

Tony laughed a little.

"No, you're not. Sure, you don't have toes, but you're not deformed."

Tim did smile.

"Sure feels like it."

"Yeah...I can see that. ...but you know what?"

"What?"

"I'm really glad that all you have to worry about is a few toes. It could have been a lot worse."

Tony glanced at Tim's feet and then away...but he knew Tim had noticed.

"This bothers you, too, doesn't it."

"Yeah...a little bit."

Tim nodded.

"Thanks, Tony."

"For what?"

"Being honest. This whole thing...it's so bizarre. I know it. Everyone knows it. I don't want to have people pretending that it's normal. It's not. It'll have to become normal, but it's not yet. So thanks."

Tony smiled. "I'm glad that admitting it's bizarre helps."

Tim's smile actually became a little mischievous. "I didn't say it helped."

Tony laughed out loud.

"Thanks, McGee."

Tim laughed, too...but then got a little teary...much like that night.

"I'm scared, Tony."

"Don't be. We'll all be here. We won't let you give up."

Tim's expression told Tony that he was remembering the same night.

"Thanks, Tony. I don't want to."

"Then, you won't."