A/N: Sorry this took so long. I'm in the middle of editing one book and writing another, but I hope you enjoy this new chapter. Thanks so much for all of the wonderful reviews. They feed my muse! As always, I'm just playing in other people's sandboxes.
OoOoOoOo
"Hurry! They're nearly here!"
The chaos swirling around Rey was disorienting. There were so many of them in the bunker, but she couldn't see. The smoke stung her eyes and choked every breath. A profound sense of dread descended. Her body felt heavy and immovable. She reached out for The Force, but could only feel cold. It had forsaken her. Her sin was evidently unforgiveable.
"You did this," Finn said, holding Rose's body against his. "You brought the wolves right to our door. How could you do it, Rey?"
"Finn… I swear…"
Before she could say more, the blast doors opposite opened and a small battalion of stormtroopers marched into the bunker. Rey pushed in front of Finn, igniting her lightsaber. She tripped over something on the floor. In the light of the saber, she recognized the handsome face of Poe Dameron, streaked with blood and still.
Through a veil of smoke, she could see down the corridor behind the troopers. She thought she saw General Organa down the hall. Someone was standing over her. Rey fought her way through the line of stormtroopers, feeling as blaster fire skimmed over her skin, but she didn't care. She had to get to Leia.
The faster she ran, the further away the General's chambers seemed. Rey finally reached the end just in time to see her fall. "No!" she screamed, her voice echoing through the bunker. When the attacker turned, his face was obscured, but she didn't need to see.
"Let the past die, Rey. Kill it if you have to."
OoOoOo
"Ben!" Rey woke screaming, reaching for something unseen in the darkness. This time the dream wouldn't let go of her. She could still see Leia's dead eyes, staring up at her blankly. Finn's words echoed in her head over and over. All of her friends lying dead through her actions.
"Rey? Are you all right?" Ben sat up and wrapped his arms around her, shaking her gently. "Wake up."
As soon as her eyes focused, Rey burst into tears. She collapsed against him, burying her head in his chest. She sobbed until her tears ran dry. The nightmares that had begun as benign visions the week before had gotten steadily worse. They haunted her each night until she wound up pacing the floor until morning. The Force seemed to be trying to tell her something, but what?
"I don't understand," she sobbed. "I thought this was my path. I'm sorry…"
"What are you talking about?" Ben asked.
"My dreams. These dreams of death. Are they warnings or a truth that I cannot face in my waking mind?"
"What truth?" Ben asked, brushing sweaty curls away from her brow and kissing her forehead lightly.
"That… I've somehow betrayed them… I've betrayed them all."
"Why would you think you've betrayed anyone?" He pulled her close, until she was nearly sitting in his lap. He stroked her hair softly. Why was he so gentle when it came to her? Even when they first met. He'd had a perfect opportunity to kill her, and no reason not to. When he interrogated her about the map, even as he'd invaded her mind, there was no violence. What made Rey so special that the Jedi Killer himself was almost docile in her presence? Why did he care so much? She hated for herself for the lingering doubt and thoughts of ulterior motives.
"Maybe I talk in my sleep," she joked.
"If you do, I haven't been taking notes. If that helps."
Rey sniffled, placing her hand in his. She felt so small here with him. Protected. But at what cost? "When are you planning to go back to them?"
"To where?"
"To the First Order. We've been here more than two weeks. Surely they'll be missing you soon."
Ben scoffed. "Hux has already sent messages through a private HoloNet channel."
Rey's breath caught. She sat up, staring at Ben. "Could he track you through it?"
"He could try. But I'm pretty smart. I managed to bounce the transmissions. If he tried to find me, it would just lead him to Chandrila."
Rey nodded, but she wasn't exactly reassured. "What does he say? Anything about... you know. Us?"
"Us as in you and me, or us as in the resistance cell?"
"The resistance."
"Hux is more interested in a trade dispute in the Corellian system right now." He stared at Rey a moment longer. Finally, he spoke. "You don't trust me."
"Of course I do," she said.
"No," he said. "No you don't. I can feel the uncertainty." He slid out from under her and stood up, turning his back as he pulled his pants on. Rey missed his warmth already. "After the last two weeks, you still don't trust me."
Rey wiped her eyes on the back of her wrist. "I do trust you, Ben. Probably more than anyone else in all the world. But this… this is so hard. You said we could just be Rey the scavenger from Jakku and you could just be Ben Solo. But it's not that easy, is it?"
"What do you mean?" He wandered over to the patio door and stared out at the snow that had begun to fall again.
Rey wasn't sure how to answer. How could she articulate these feelings so that he might understand? She felt as if everything were balanced on the head of a pin, and a single push could make everything tumble down. She could feel Ben turning. His frozen heart was melting and allowing her inside, but he couldn't make the choice just yet. He wasn't ready, and Rey wasn't sure how much more time they had to wait.
"We can't just keep existing this way," she said finally. "Teetering there between light and dark. Not choosing a side. Pretending that the world beyond this cabin doesn't exist. Eventually, this has to change or it has to end."
"Do you want me to go?" he asked, not looking at her.
"Of course I don't. I want you to stay. I want you with me. I …" Rey hesitated. The word lay there on her tongue like a poison pill. She was afraid to say it and afraid to admit it. To speak it would give life to a deep wish that she'd been denied her whole life. Not to mention that even the thought of it felt like she had betrayed everyone who'd ever cared about her. "I want you to come back with me."
"I've already told you, Rey. I can't do that. It isn't so simple…"
"Yes, it is!" she shouted. "This isn't about simplicity. This is about your own vanity."
He whipped around, glaring at her. "What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You just can't stand the thought that maybe you were wrong. All this time, all the suffering and the pain—for power. For some kind of acceptance…"
"You know nothing about what I fight for, Rey. Or why I did the things I did."
Rey stood up and went to him. She laid a hand on his arm, but he tensed. "Please, Ben…" she whispered, kissing the ghostly scar on his shoulder. "I don't want this to end. I couldn't bear it. Not now."
He didn't speak, but turned, letting her wrap her arms around his body and press her cheek to his heart. "Look inside me, Rey."
"What?"
"Look inside me. I'm ready for you to see everything."
A small boy with a mess of black hair stands in the middle of an open field, watching a starship launch from the spaceport. The nursemaid droid at his side nudges him to wave goodbye. He does, jovial at first as he shouts, "Bye Mummy! Bye Da!" But Rey can see the sadness slowly creeping into his face. Then tears that glisten on chubby cheeks.
…
One image fades into another. This time the boy is older, but his eyes are still full of mischief. He is playing in a garden. There are other children nearby, but the boy seems too shy to approach them. He notices a girl on the other side of the fountain, stealing a glance in his direction. When their eyes meet, she shows him a paper bird. The boy smiles and raises his hand in a small gesture. The little girl's paper bird rises into the air and then flies around her head, flapping its wings. She's enchanted at first, giggling and laughing as her toy comes to life. Then, her mother approaches. The woman's eyes widen before snatching it out of the air. The little girl points at the boy, still smiling. "He knows magic, Mummy!" The woman's expression is full of fear as she steers the little girl away.
…
"I don't know what to do with him." The image of the garden melted away and Rey could see the boy standing in shadows. He peers through a crack in the door. A much younger Leia Organa gazed out the window with Luke at her back. "He scares me, Luke. When I look into his eyes, there's an awareness there that I don't understand. I don't know how to help him."
"What do you mean, Leia? He's just a kid."
"It's like, he can pluck my thoughts right out of my head. He knows things he shouldn't. And there's so much power there. So much that he can't control, and I don't know how to help him."
"He's strong in the Force, Leia. You've known that since he was born. And before."
"Yes, but it's more than that. Even Han can feel it, and he's like a stone. It frightens him. Imagine that—afraid of his own son. He's grown so sullen lately. And angry. He's always had my temper, but now… he's so strong."
Luke paced back and forth. "Has Ben hurt anyone?"
"Of course not!" Leia exclaimed. Then with a sigh, "But he could. Easily."
…
"Their jealousy makes them afraid, young Solo. You are everything that they are not." An old man sits beside the boy. He touches his arm and the boy recoils. His fingers are as cold as the beady eyes that stare back at him. "You are of pure blood, despite your mother's best efforts to sully it with that of a smuggler."
"My father is a General!" Ben snapped.
"Yes, yes, boy. I didn't mean to insult you. But you cannot deny that he is not… like us."
"What do you mean?"
"He does not know the Force."
"The Force?"
The old man smiled. "She kept everything from you," he murmured. "There is a reason you can do the things that others can't."
"Because I'm a freak," the boy sighed.
The old man looked stricken. His face a mixture of anger and despair at the boy's words. "No, no," the old man said, drawing Ben to him as a father. "You are a king, my son."
…
The boy ran. He could feel the heat from the fire and the cinders lighting on his cheeks and mixing with the streaks of blood. And tears.
The blood.
He stared down at his hands, covered with it. Was it his own or Luke's? Or one of the others? His heart pounded in his chest. He hurt all over, but he couldn't stop. He had to get away before anyone found them. He hadn't meant to do it. He was so afraid, and so angry. Everyone else had feared him, but Luke promised to make everything okay. He trusted his uncle more than anyone else, even his father, and now his uncle had betrayed him too. It was just as Snoke had said. They were jealous of him and afraid. They all hated him.
But even then, he hadn't wanted to hurt them. He just wanted to go away. Maybe someday he could find some way to control this on his own. He could explain that the others had been an accident. When he was able, he could come back.
He looked back at the flames behind him and knew the truth: he could never go back.
OoOoOo
The images flashed faster and faster. Rey's head ached with all of his memories invading her own.
"Lay down the name of Ben Solo. Never speak it again."
"He slaughtered them, Leia."
"Bow before the Jedi Killer!"
"Ben stop…" Rey whimpered, holding the sides of her head. "Stop it…" She could feel herself being torn apart. She could feel all of his anger and hate, his loneliness and sadness. It filled her up and Rey felt as if it were bursting through her mind like floodwaters.
"He's lost, Leia. You have to forget him."
"Rise, Kylo Ren."
Suddenly, everything stopped and a strange calm settled in her mind. Out of the shadow, a soft light glimmered. It grew brighter and warmer as it came into focus. And then she saw her own face as a child. Then growing into a woman.
"You know me," she whispered as the visions finally faded. "You've always known me."
"Of course I have," he said. "And you knew me."
Rey nodded. "I used to think it was just my imagination. I talked to myself to feel like there was someone there. When you started to talk back, I thought it was just… me wishing so hard. An imaginary friend. I wanted to see you, but there was just the voice in the dark. And then, one day you just… didn't talk anymore. I tried everything to bring you back. Even wearing an old helmet that I found in the desert to block out the light and the noise. I thought that maybe I just couldn't hear you…"
"I didn't want to hurt you. Like everyone else."
