Warning for references of child abuse and homophobic thoughts and comments.
Chapter Nine
Sangiovese - is an Italian red grape wine variety that derives its name from the Latin sanguis Jovis, "the blood of Jove." When young, it has fresh fruity flavors of strawberry and a little spiciness, but as it ages, it readily takes on oaky, even tarry, flavors.
~/~
Pulling into the Jean d'Arc estate, Antonio noticed several differences. The front garden was still neat, tidy, and filled extravagantly with roses - oh, so many variety of roses - but there were other, newer elements too. There were some vegetable plants. Some fruit trees: still very young. A simpler, fresher aura filled the empty space that existed before, so it was no longer a dream from Alice in Wonderland - where Francis did whatever he wished with no care in the world. It looked more like a…home.
Antonio smiled, and after receiving the go ahead to drive through the gate, he parked his bike, set the kickstand and rushed to the front door.
One knock, two, barely three, and the door was swung open. Antonio tumbled into Francis's arms.
"Ah, mon cher! It's been too long!" Francis cooed, and he wrapped himself around Antonio's laughing body. "Gilbert, get over here and say hello to Toni!"
"I was just opening a beer! Give me a minute," Gilbert yelled back. It sounded like he was in the kitchen.
Francis frowned and muttered, "That selfish ingrate." Then he turned his attention back to Antonio and hugged him tighter. "Oh, but at least you're here, Toni. The only other romantic soul. We'll keep each other company until the very end!"
Antonio couldn't stop laughing. He'd spent so much time with silent Kiku, and stoic Berwald, he'd forgotten how ridiculous his friends were; he wasn't used to it.
"Come here, let me look at you. Let's see what damage the sun did this time," Francis said seriously, and he held up Antonio's grinning, tan, albeit also sun-burned, face. Francis melted. "Well, when you smile like that, you just look too cute!" He kissed him twice on the cheek, and hugged him again.
They heard Gilbert groan from the other room, followed by his heavy footsteps. "Fine, verdammt. Since you guys are already making out here," he grumbled, but immediately flashed a devious smile, and joined their group hug with wicked strength.
Yes, Antonio had really missed his friends.
~/~
After they could finally unlatch themselves, Francis directed them to the living room, and Antonio settled in one of the armchairs. Gilbert was chugging his third beer, and Francis was nursing his second glass of wine. Antonio settled with lemonade and grapes; he felt like a child in a room of adults (well, maybe teenagers), but he didn't care. He was in too much of a good mood to care about such little things.
They were all alone this weekend. Matthew was back in San Francisco, Jeanne was meeting her grandparents for their something-or-other anniversary, and Lovino was in Los Angeles on business. They hadn't really talked together since Francis's last intervention, which Antonio remained oblivious about; and today, he was debating whether to bring up his recent romance with Lovino. One of the things stopping him was whether it actually counted as a romance. It did, right?
"So you won't believe what happened the other day," Gilbert said, his eyes gleaming, and his voice smooth with alcohol.
Francis rolled his eyes already, and Antonio looked at him expectantly.
"So I closed up the bar, and I might've had a few too many drinks, and I accidentally stumbled into Ludwig's room. And guess what I found?"
"A woman!"
"Beer?"
"Psh—can you see Ludwig with a woman?" Gilbert chuckled, and bent over his knee. "Mein Gott, I would want to see the look on his face. That'd be great. But no—he had a fucking dog in there!"
"Really?" Francis's eyes widened.
"Aw, that's so cute!" Antonio smiled.
Gilbert pursed his lips. "No, it's not. Our damn building doesn't allow pets, and Ludwig knows that. So I grabbed the puppy and yelled at him, and he said it belonged to a friend of his, and he was just dogsitting it for the night."
"Oh, which friend?" Francis asked curiously.
"Um, damn, what is his name…," Gilbert trailed off and tapped the side of his beer bottle. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers. "Oh! It's that brat's brother! The Italian one. But he's happy, and he talks a million words per minute."
At this, Antonio sat up. "You mean Feli?"
"Right! Yeah, that's him," Gilbert agreed. "He came by the next day and apologized for leaving his dog there overnight. He said it was his fault and not…Luddy's."
Francis almost spat out his wine, and covered his mouth as he laughed. Antonio giggled and toppled over the armrest.
"That's so cute!" Antonio sang. He sang it over and over again.
"Wow, your darling little brother has finally been broken," Francis announced dramatically.
"I didn't know Lovi and Feli got a puppy," Antonio added to the conversation.
"Well, Feli said he got it recently. He found it on the street. Although, I think he and Ludwig named it, because it's called Berlitz," Gilbert said dryly.
At that, Francis's eyes twinkled. "Are you saying it's their dog?"
"Well yeah, what the hell does it sound like I'm saying?"
"No, Gilbert," Francis tapped his friend's shoulder and looked him in the eye. They shared a long stare.
Finally, Gilbert appeared to understand what was unsaid and sighed, "Ooh." Then he laughed again. "I'm not sure about that. Ludwig's too sexually repressed for anyone. I think he's a monk."
"Surely, you don't mean that. Even a rock like Ludwig can fall in love," Francis replied.
"Fall in love with Feli?" Antonio repeated.
Francis nodded his head.
"Oh," he said. Antonio's mind began turning. Something about the situation worried him. Ludwig falling in Feli is just fine, and if Feli falls in love with him, well, that's fine too. But why was there a nagging sensation at the corner of his brain telling him that Lovino wouldn't like it? It made his smile disappear.
"That's right! Antonio, we haven't asked you yet," Francis began smoothly, calling Antonio's attention. "Have you and the little Italian…progressed?" He said the last word so delicately, as if stepping over Antonio's heart.
And perhaps he was. But Antonio smiled anyway. Because there was progress. There was. "Si," he replied dreamily. "After I confessed to him, we've been hanging out a lot more."
"Now when you say hanging out, do you mean like fuc—"
Francis cut him off swiftly. "Mon Dieu, Gilbert. You really have no tact. Of course, when he says hangout he really means making sweet love to one ano—"
"No, no! Not that either," Antonio interrupted hurriedly, laughing nervously. He ran his hand threw his hair. "I don't think Lovino…Well—how do I put it," Antonio paused. "He's very…cautious. We spend time together like we haven't before. And we, you know, kiss and all that," Antonio chuckled, his cheeks warming. "But he's not—he's not, um…mierda, how do I put it?"
Francis and Gilbert wouldn't save him, so he had to think of a better phrasing on his own.
"I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think Lovino really knows how he feels about me. He seems kind of confused," Antonio finished sadly, though he was smiling.
Francis and Gilbert exchanged a look, and Francis set down his wine glass.
"Well, Toni. I can't say I'm very surprised. I always suspected the Lovino had some problems," he said simply.
Antonio pressed his lips together and buried his head in his knees. "It's just—I'm really confused too. I don't know what's going on. Lovino doesn't seem to want to tell anyone about what's going on. But he still lets me be with him. I don't really know what this means."
Gilbert stared at the ceiling and thought hard for some insightful words. "Well…if the brat really didn't want to be with you. I think it'd already be clear by now."
Antonio lifted his head, and waited for more.
"And if someone as stubborn and obstinate as him lets you kiss him…multiple times…well, that sure as hell means something."
Antonio looked at him, letting the words sink in. Then he turned to Francis.
Francis just sighed. He really disliked encouraging a relationship he disapproved of. But perhaps honesty would help. "I agree with Gilbert, Toni. Take it from me, le roi de l'amour, that Lovino likes you. Jeanne think so too."
"She does?" Antonio murmured in wonder. Other people think Lovino likes him? Does that mean it could be true? Antonio thought so sometimes, even more so lately, but he was never sure. He was always doubtful. Always waiting to be proven wrong and take a step backwards.
"But," Francis added, closing his eyes, almost in pain. "Jeanne told me he's also rather…religious. And that's probably wear some of the problem lies. At least in part."
Antonio flushed shamefully, somewhat reminded of his childhood. "Yeah, I figured he was uncomfortable with homosexuality. If it comes up, he tends to avoid the subject," he said and looked to the side. "D-do you guys think Lovino's gay?"
"Yes," Francis and Gilbert echoed in perfect unison, their expressions serious.
Antonio's lipped broadened into a smile traitorous smile. "I thought so too."
Gilbert chuckled, and took another swig of his beer.
France's face was still anxious. "But you know he'll have trouble admitting it, right? That's the problem."
Antonio stared at him levelly, a growing confidence sharpening his eyes. "I know," he said.
"Let me guess. You think you can change his mind about the whole thing," Gilbert proposed airily.
"Well, I've had a lot of experience," Antonio responded playfully, his voice increasingly sure.
Francis's brows were still knit together. He was gnawing his bottom lip in worry.
"Francis," Antonio called his attention, and their eyes met. Antonio grinned. "Don't worry. I'm from the country of passion. I'll convince him eventually."
Despite himself, and all of his worries, Francis couldn't help but laugh. Maybe it was the wine.
But then Gilbert and Antonio laughed too. Perhaps they were all drunk, even Antonio. He may not drink wine or beer, but he's definitely intoxicated with Lovino.
~/~
It was wonderful to spend time with his friends, but at the end of the day, when Antonio had to ride home, groom the vines, make dinner, and get into bed—he was lonely again. Just knowing that Lovino wasn't there somehow made him lonelier. The balcony was dark, so Antonio didn't even have a light to look to. His star was gone.
But three days had passed already. Lovino would be home tomorrow night. Antonio had grand romantic plans to woo him; it made his heart race with excitement. It was like the night before Navidad. He was too excited. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep.
But it didn't matter. His thoughts kept him company, and more and more, he felt the growing power of love surge through his veins. Winning over Lovino was like fighting a bull. Antonio had to be graceful, charming, and respect Lovino like no one else. And somehow, Antonio would overcome the hardheadedness, the stubbornness, the irrational fear. He would be as romantic as possible, and he knew he'd win.
~/~
The next day, after lunch when everyone took a little break, Antonio asked if he could borrow Berwald's car. He needed to go into town for a bit, and the ride was rather far for his poor, little bike. Of course, Berwald nodded yes, and Antonio at once dashed off to the car with the keys.
As he was rolling up the driveway, however, he stopped the car in front of Feliciano, who was walking a small, golden retriever.
When Feliciano saw him, he quickly ran up to the window and tapped the glass.
Antonio chuckled and rolled it down.
"Ciao Toni! I feel like I haven't seen you in a long while!" Feliciano exclaimed happily.
"I guess so," Antonio smiled. "I was just on my way to town. Do you need anything?"
Feliciano looked up. "No, I don't think so. Although, maybe Lovino would want something," he trailed off and his eyes widened. "You know he's coming back tonight, right?"
Antonio laughed. "Yep, I know!"
Feliciano's eyes glittered mischievously. "Are you going to town to get something for him?"
"Oh, um," Antonio stuttered, caught off guard. "Well, just a little welcome home present maybe," he replied weakly, with a shy smile.
"Hmm~ I think Lovi will like that," Feliciano said knowingly. It made Antonio nervous, but happy too. "Actually, would you like to have dinner with us? It'll be a late dinner, like around eight, but it'll be with Lovi!"
Si, si. A million times si. That sounds wonderful. Familial. Loving.
"Ah," Antonio dragged out a long chuckle and he stared at the ceiling. "I don't think Lovino would like that," he began. It was true. Lovino wouldn't, and for more than one reason. Swiftly, he added, "I think he'd much rather spend time with you two tonight, I can always give him his present la—tomorrow."
Feliciano pouted, but he didn't seem too surprised. There was a subtle understanding in his eyes. It was comforting.
"Ve~ well, all right," Feliciano conceded, and he left the open window with Berlitz trotting behind him. "Get something nice for Lovi! Ciao Toni!"
"Adios!" Antonio called after him, and he steadily resumed his drive.
~/~
It all seemed like a good plan in his head. But now that he was standing in front of the Tulip Haven, Antonio was struck by a strange hesitation. Lovino said that he and Emma were never a real couple, and that seemed to be the case. And it's possible that Lovino never felt too strongly about her, but Antonio was still able to sense the longing on Emma's part. She truly cared for Lovino. Perhaps it would be awkward to buy a bouquet from her…
Before he could run away, the door opened and a bell chimed. Emma appeared before him, smiling, same as usual.
"Toni! What are you doing there, just standing outside? Come on in!" she ordered sweetly, and held the door open.
Antonio chuckled and nervously ran his palms over the front of his jeans, before walking inside. "Lo siento, Emma. I was lost in thought."
"Hm, I could see," she sang, and her eyes twinkled. "You seem excited today. Is something happening?"
Antonio's heart fluttered, and he grinned lovingly without even knowing it. "Oh, well actually, Lovino's coming back from a business trip today and I was—" he stopped and realized his mistake. Antonio coughed and resumed awkwardly, "I was just helping out with some of the welcome home gifts."
Emma's lashes fluttered and she gently pursed her lips. Antonio could see the wheels turning in her head, and he prayed to God that his face wasn't as transparent as he thought it was right now. Lying was usually much easier. Why was it so hard to lie about Lovino? Because I don't want to lie. I want everyone to know.
"Well," Emma hummed. "We have some fresh imports today. What sort of flower were you thinking?" She started leading him to a nearby aisle.
Antonio sighed in relief. "I was thinking roses!"
Emma's lips quirked and she turned to him. "Roses?"
"Er—" he stalled, and thought quick. "That's Lovino's favorite flower! It's his birth month flower!" Birth month flower? Was there such a thing? When was Lovino born anyway?
For a fraction of a second, Antonio could have sworn he saw a smirk slide across Emma's face, but he blinked, and it was gone.
"All right then. What color do you prefer? We have yellow, pink, orange, red—"
"Red! Definitely red!" Antonio exclaimed.
"Okay," Emma replied, and she plucked a few roses from a clear, plastic bag. "How many?"
Antonio opened his mouth to say a dozen, but his eyes couldn't help but wander to the price-tag below. He winced at the sight of the numbers. Why were roses always so expensive?
"Uh, t-twelve please," he answered, slightly reluctantly. He knew it'd be worth it. It was only money after all; and this was for something much more important.
"Of course," Emma smiled gently, and she finished gathering twelve, pristine, red roses in her hand. "Do you want to follow me to the register?"
Antonio nodded, and skipped behind her. He shoved all of his remaining, crumpled bills onto the table with little regret. He just kept telling himself it would be worth it. It would.
Emma smoothed out the dollars with a soft smile, and deposited them into the register. Then she began wrapping the roses in a clear plastic wrap around the base and took out a ribbon.
"So…" Antonio looked around. "How have you been lately?"
Emma giggled lightly and began tying the ribbon. "Better, I think. Much better," she said, and met Antonio's eyes. "Thank you for asking."
Antonio grinned bashfully, unsure of what he had done. He was happy that Emma seemed happy at least.
When the roses were done and tied, Emma handed them over to Antonio, who in turn looked at them as if they were his newborn child. His green eyes filled with such wonder and hope.
Emma held onto the flowers, as Antonio grasped them. She lowered her voice to a whisper, "You know red roses are lover's roses, right?"
A spark flit through Antonio's eyes, and he couldn't control the smile. "I know," he replied gently, and removed the roses from her grasp. "Gracias, Emma."
She looked at him coolly. She was smiling, and it looked genuine, but her eyes still shimmered a bit sadly. Before either of them could comment she picked up some new violets in need of trimming. "Tell Lovino I said hi, would you?" she sniffed and began plucking leaves.
Antonio's gaze softened and he held the flowers tenderly. "I will."
No one else appeared eager to say anything more, and Antonio slipped out the door. The bell chimed behind him.
~/~
Lovino's flight didn't arrive until late in the afternoon, but he arrived at the San Francisco airport, so by the time he was back at the house, it was already eight o'clock. Feliciano pushed dinner back an hour so he'd have time to prepare.
It was strange to be back. Somehow three days felt like three years. He felt so disconnected. And maybe one of the reasons kind of has to do with Antonio. The bastard had a cellphone, but they never exchanged numbers, so it's not like when Lovino travels he's spammed with emojis or whatever Antonio would write. It's just silence. Silence and work for three days, interspersed with vivid, worrisome dreams in between. He blushed just thinking about them. He tried his best to forget them as soon as he remembered. They were too embarrassing and strange and…exhilarating.
But that didn't mean he wanted home to change while he was gone. It was raining when Feliciano pulled into the driveway, and it was still raining during dinner. A summer storm. What were the odds?
Normally, Lovino would've welcomed a storm - given anything for the rain - but now, after what happened, a small part of him was worried that the rain would wash everything away. Where would Antonio be if it was raining? It simply didn't suit him.
"Lovi, are you tired? You haven't eaten much," Feliciano commented.
Lovino tore his eyes away from the kitchen, and met Feliciano's. "Oh, yeah, I guess I am. It's been a long three days," he replied dryly. "Maybe I'll just go to my room." Lovino got up and pushed his chair into the table.
"Are you sure?" Tino asked, and his eyes crinkled in concern.
"Yeah," Lovino said, and he was already walking towards the stairs. "I just feel like lying down for a while."
"Maybe I'll stop by with dessert later!" Feliciano called.
Lovino nodded, though he was far out of view, and at the top of the stairs. He barely acknowledged the offer. The rain drained him. He had so much hope coming back, and the rain disillusioned him from his dreams. Not that he liked them of course. But sunlight was kind of nice.
His suitcase was laid out on the floor, open and slightly messy. Lovino tried to unpack before dinner, but really, he fished out one particular object and obsessed about it for an hour. He picked up the simple straw hat, lying at the top of his pile of folded clothes, and turned it over.
He bought it on impulse. It's not like it was planned or anything. He wasn't even sure why he bought. Lovino was walking around, after several meetings with buyers, and he was at a nice outdoor shopping mall. There was a kiosk, which he normally would've ignored just on principle, but the straw hat stood out to him. It was like at once he could see Antonio's bright, green eyes and wide smile. He could see Antonio's sun-burnt face and rough hands. And for some reason he could see Antonio with that hat. And he bought it.
But what was he supposed to do with it now? Lovino flushed scarlet at the very thought of handing it over to Antonio. What would he say? He would be so ridiculously happy, he would say anything—everything. But what would it say about Lovino? A present…that's like a romantic gesture. But Lovino bought it for Antonio, so he couldn't very well keep it, right?
As he was lying sprawled on the bed, holding the hat above him, he heard a few clumsy footsteps. There was a gentle roar of rain echoing outside, so at first Lovino thought he'd mistaken the sound, but then there were more footsteps and something like a knock. So he dropped the hat on the floor beside his bed, and shuffled to the balcony door.
He saw Antonio standing near the glass door, his wet head visibly plastered to his forehead, and his clothes much in the same condition. Lovino was already blushing, but when he caught Antonio's meek smile, he covered his face with his hands. It was too much for him. It was embarrassing and stupid, and infuriatingly charming. And he hated Antonio for it. Really.
But it's not as if he could let Antonio stand out there all night (it's doubtful that'd actually make him leave), so slowly, whilst making a clear show of how much effort this was taking out of him, Lovino walked to the door, unlocked it, and pulled it open.
A gust of cold and wet air flew by and he shivered.
"Hello, Lovi. Bienvenudo a casa," he said smilingly. And despite the wet clothes, and the rain, and the night chill, Antonio's voice was still warm.
Lovino crossed his arms and looked down. "Thanks," he muttered. His foot tapped and he fought an internal debate. "Um," he began and darted his eyes to Antonio's patient face. "D-do you want to come in?"
Antonio's lips split into a grin. "I'd love to see your bedroom!"
"Damn it! Don't say it like that!" Lovino snapped, and he shoved Antonio on his way in. He kept grumbling, but shut the door behind him. When he turned around, Antonio was gazing at the walls with avid curiosity.
Lovino was going to yell at him for it, but then he caught sight of something behind Antonio's back. "What's that?" he asked.
"What?" Antonio repeated, and he followed Lovino's gaze to the object he was hiding. "Oh!" he gasped, and quickly held them forward. "They're for you!"
Twelve red roses. Shimmering with raindrops, and tied with a red ribbon.
Lovino couldn't say anything. His face was heating up with every passing second. "Oh…I, um—th-that's…those a-are for…m-me?" he stuttered quietly.
Antonio eye's glittered, and he stepped closer, so he could pass the bouquet over. "Of course," he murmured.
Lovino glanced at him, then at the floor, then at the flowers. "Th-they're nice. Thank you." His lips turned up ever so slightly, and Antonio was quick to notice it.
"Aw, Lovi, you're smiling," he said, and brushed his hand over Lovino's cheek.
Lovino bit his lip and began stalking towards his cupboard, in search of some sort of vase. "I am not, bastard."
"Yes, you are!" Antonio insisted, and he wrapped his arms around Lovino from behind, and rested his head on Lovino's shoulder. "I've missed you."
Lovino's breath hitched, and his hands trembled in their grip of the bouquet. "I…" he started. "I k-kind of…too."
Antonio's laughter tickled his neck, and he would've yelled at him for it, but turned him around fast, so he could envelope Lovino in a kiss.
Lovino wrapped his arms around Antonio's back, because he had to protect the flowers, obviously, but he still didn't stop Antonio from kissing him. He'd be lying if he said it wasn't one of the things he missed. He was lonely during his trip. He had many meeting with several buyers and clients, and technically only had a few moments to himself. But there was something missing. They only wanted to talk to Lovino for business; they didn't care for him. And it was lonely not being loved.
It was hard for him to believe that Antonio actually loved him, so when he was kissed, it was like being reminded, and it made his heart swell in happiness. Antonio's lips were always chapped by the sun, and his hands were hard, but they way he held Lovino was always so careful. He was passionate, but he was gentle.
Antonio broke the kiss and gazed down at Lovino face. "So do you really like the flowers?
Lovino's eyes were soft, and slightly dazed, but he still managed to knit his eyebrows in frustration. "What do you think?"
Antonio chuckled and kissed Lovino's lips again, this time quickly, and returned to hugging him. "Aw, Lovi. I really have missed you. It hasn't been the same here without you."
Lovino flushed from his cheeks to his ears. "I doubt that."
Antonio held the back of Lovino's head and laughed again. "You're just like your roses now," he pointed out.
Lovino's free hand flew to his cheeks and he glared. "Damn it, bastard! No, I'm not!"
"But you are!" Antonio exclaimed, and he removed Lovino's hand so he could hold it and admire Lovino's blush. "Your face is so honest."
Adrenaline pulsed through Lovino's veins and he didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or scream, Antonio was so infuriating. "No, it is—"
His voice died in his throat when he heard footsteps climbing the stairs. The wood of the house was old so there was a slight creak with each step. It must have been Feliciano on his way to stop by.
"Lovino?" Antonio called worriedly, and his thumb rubbed over Lovino's hand.
Lovino turned to him wide-eyed. "Um, Feliciano's on his way," he muttered quickly. "You have to, um—damn it." His eyes darted everywhere in his room for a place to hide Antonio. He couldn't send him back out in the rain. "Come here," he ordered, and he dragged Antonio across the room. He opened the door to his closet, and pointed inside. "Just hide in here, and I'll try to get Feliciano to leave as quickly as possible."
Antonio froze. "Why?"
"What do you mean why? I just explained it to you. Just stand in here until Feliciano's gone," Lovino explained. He tugged on Antonio's hand, but he still wouldn't budge an inch.
"Why can't I hide in the bathroom?" he asked, his voice calm, but slightly strained.
"Because Feliciano might look there! He's always wandering around. But he never checks in here, so get in alr—"
"Lovino," Antonio interrupted gravely. He stared at Lovino, his eyes hard. "I can't go in there."
Lovino was taken aback. He'd never seen this look on Antonio before. "Wh-why not?"
Antonio pressed his lips together, and it was as though his tan had suddenly faded. "I don't like small spaces."
There was a knock on the door, and Lovino jumped.
"Ve~ Lovi! May I come in?"
"Uh, just a second!" Lovino yelled back. He looked back at Antonio. "But you—"
"I can't," Antonio stated, and he left no room for argument.
Lovino dropped his hand and pointed to the bathroom. "Go in there. I'll make sure Feliciano doesn't go in," he whispered.
Antonio hurried over without a word, and shut the door quietly behind him.
Lovino's shoulders dropped, and he walked over to open the bedroom door for Feliciano, but then caught sight of the roses. Quickly, he grabbed them and tossed them on the other side of the bed.
"Lovi!~" Feliciano called again, his voice sounded impatient, if also curious.
"Y-yeah! Come in already, damn it!" Lovino shouted back, and he pressed the back of his hands onto his cheeks, trying to cool them off.
Feliciano burst through, smiling wide. "Ciao Lovi! I brought some tiramisu for you!"
"Thanks," he mumbled and sat down on the bed. "You can just leave it on the desk there. I think I'm going to go to bed."
"What? Really?" Feliciano exclaimed, and he pouted. "But I had so much to tell you. I was hoping we could catch up."
Lovino's blush returned, when he thought of Antonio overhearing this conversation. "Yeah, really. I just feel like taking it easy tonight."
Feliciano scrutinized him, his face unreadable. "Ve~ well, all right," he replied eventually. Feli dropped the plate of Tiramisu on the desk, and grasped the doorknob. "Oh, but make sure to find Antonio soon. I think he got a present for you."
Lovino's heart skipped a beat and he unwittingly glared at the bathroom door. "I'm sure he got something stupid."
"Aw, don't say that. He looked so excited! Try to be nice to him, okay?" Feliciano said with a wink.
"Just go away, damn it," Lovino muttered.
Feliciano giggled and slipped through the door. Once it shut, Lovino was on his feet, racing to the bathroom to confront Antonio.
The door wasn't shut properly, so he pushed it open and peered inside. "Antonio? Feliciano's gone."
He was leaning against the tiled wall, his hands balled at his sides. His back rose and fell with every deep breath.
Lovino was stunned for a moment. He didn't like seeing Antonio this way. But he figured he had to do something, right? So tentatively, Lovino approached him, and grasped one of Antonio's rough fists in his smooth hand.
Antonio finally seemed to notice him, and he glanced away from the blank tiles to Lovino's wide, amber eyes.
He smiled on instinct. "Is Feliciano gone?" he asked.
Was that sweat on his forehead? Lovino bit his lip and made a decision. He dragged Antonio by his hand out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. He guided Antonio to the bed and pushed him onto it. Antonio was much heavier of course, but he did as Lovino wanted and sat down on the edge of the mattress.
Lovino then grasped each side of Antonio's face and held eye contact. "What was that?"
Antonio was still smiling. "What do you mean?"
"You know what," Lovino snapped. "What made you…act like that?"
"I don't know what you—"
"Antonio!" Lovino whispered harshly, careful not to raise his voice so that Feliciano or Tino could hear. "Listen to me, damn it. I want you to tell me the truth for once."
Antonio watched him, his green eyes sharp. "I told you already. I don't like small spaces."
Lovino's hands held him tight. "But why?" It wasn't very new or surprising to hear. It was obvious that if given the choice, Antonio always preferred to be outdoors than inside a home. But he'd never seen Antonio act so afraid.
Antonio sighed and his eyes drifted away. "It's a silly reason. It happened a long time ago."
"What happened?" Lovino pressed. He wasn't going to let Antonio get away so easily.
"I, well, my parents…" he began, and suddenly broke into an awkward, weak laugh. "I was always in trouble for some reason. I wasn't a very good kid to have. So sometimes, when my parents were really…angry, they would put me in time out." He paused, and a smile crept back onto his face. "But I was always happy to be sent outdoors, or to my room where I had my pets. I didn't mind going to bed without dinner either. I could usually sneak into the backyard for tomatoes or something." His smile faded and his eyes looked faraway. "So, when I got to be too much for them, they would, um, lock me in a…closet. Like that one."
Lovino stared at him, and he vaguely recognized that his eyes were stinging. "Oh," he said. What else could he say?
Antonio smiled again. "It wasn't that bad. It's not like they hit me or anything. But that's why," he glanced at the closet. "I don't like being in small spaces. It makes me uncomfortable."
Lovino's hands trembled slightly, and Antonio looked back at him.
"It's okay, Lovi," Antonio assured him. "It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore."
But it does. Of course it does. For so many reasons.
Lovino dropped his hands from Antonio's face, and enveloped him in his arms. "I-I'm so sorry Antonio," he mumbled, and a tear fell onto Antonio's shirt. He was crying? Why was he crying?
It's because Antonio wasn't. It's because Antonio can't. It's because, if Lovino hadn't forced him, Antonio would've never brought it up. It's because Antonio would listen to Lovino complain about his business troubles and stupid family soccer arguments all day, but would never willingly talk about his abuse, or family strife. He would rather make Lovino happy then let him share in his burden, and it's…it's…so goddamn infuriating.
"You idiot," Lovino muttered against Antonio shoulder. Antonio was holding him too, and rubbing his back, as if to comfort him. "You need to tell me these things."
"Lo siento, Lovi," Antonio said, a smile evident in his voice. "I didn't know it would make you this sad."
"I'm not sad, dammit," Lovino protested, and he pulled back to look Antonio in the eye. "I'm angry."
Before Antonio could laugh, or grin, or do something stupid, Lovino kissed him. He could feel a few tears falling down his cheeks, but he ignored them and kept kissing him. He meant for it to be a demanding kiss, but even when he was angry, Lovino couldn't kiss Antonio like that. He was comforting, warm, and kissed Antonio as if it was him crying and not Lovino.
An idea flickered through Lovino's mind and he pulled away slowly, unlocking their lips. Antonio was looking at him tenderly, silently thanking him.
"Um," Lovino breathed, interrupting the silence. He was still awkwardly leaning over Antonio. "I k-kind of have something…for you."
Antonio's eyes widened, genuinely surprised. "You do?" he asked, and a hopeful, excited grin spread across his lips. A real grin. "What for?"
"Tsk—does there have to be a reason?" Lovino snapped, but flushed when he realized the answer sounded even more stupid. Antonio's hands soothingly ran through his hair. "I just saw it, and I thought you'd like it," Lovino added quietly.
"Can I see it?" Antonio pleaded.
Lovino bit his lip, but moved away from Antonio anyway. And he walked over to the other side of the bed, where he threw the hat and the flowers. He could hear Antonio crawling over. He bent down and picked up the simple straw hat; he held it in his fingers and felt his ears grow more and more red. This was stupid, he thought. It's just a dumb hat. Why the hell would I buy this? He won't—
"Is that for me?" Antonio exclaimed loudly. He stretched his arms out, asking for the hat. "Es tan hermoso! Give it to me Lovino!"
"It's just a dumb hat, bastard! No need to get so excited!" Lovino yelled, and threw the hat into Antonio's arms.
Antonio giggled excitedly, and put the hat on. He pat it down on his damp, curly hair and smiled in Lovino's direction. "How do I look?"
Lovino almost smiled, but managed a nonchalant glare. "Like a farmer."
"Then it's perfect!" Antonio said.
"I guess so," Lovino mumbled as he picked up the bouquet of roses. He resumed his mission of finding some sort of makeshift vase for them. Maybe he had one lying around. He spotted the clear vase sitting by the windowsill with Feli's flowers from last month, long-since wilted away, and picked it up. He walked towards the bathroom for water.
Antonio's voice echoed into the room. "I'm going to wear this hat everyday, Lovi.~"
"Idiot. What if it's windy?"
"I'll tie it to my head."
"What if you have to go to a fancy dinner?"
"I'll find a suit to match."
"Oh my god. You would, wouldn't you?"
Antonio chuckled giddily.
Lovino finished filling the vase and walked back out with his bouquet safely stored inside. He set it on the windowsill, and turned around. Antonio was sitting on the bed smiling.
"Are you really okay?" Lovino asked shyly. He twisted his hands together as he watched Antonio's expression soften.
"Of course, mi amor," Antonio answered. The nickname made Lovino blush.
The rain continued outside, like a gentle hum.
"W-well, if you want, um—you can stay here. Until the rain stops," Lovino offered, as he dug his nails into his palm. What was he doing?
"Really?" Antonio replied disbelievingly.
Lovino nodded, and stepped towards the bed. He sat on the edge and took off his shoes. "D-don't get too comfortable though," he ordered.
"Aw, Lovi," Antonio cooed, and his arms snaked around Lovino's waist. The hat hit against Lovino's cheek. "But I'm so comfortable with you."
"Don't say stupid things," Lovino muttered.
There was a pause. "Do you really think they're stupid, Lovino?"
Lovino's cheeks warmed. He didn't know whether to lie, tell the truth, or not say anything at all. Quietly, he mumbled, "No."
Antonio's hands tightened around Lovino's waist and pulled him onto the bed. He laughed so genuinely, Lovino laughed too.
~/~
"Lovino, why didn't you tell me about the puppy?"
Lovino glanced up from the book. He squinted through the sunlight and made out Antonio's face, shaded by his new hat. "What are you talking about?"
"The puppy. Feliciano got one, right?" Antonio said again.
Lovino narrowed his eyes. "Do you see a puppy around here?"
Antonio tilted his head and looked to the horizon. "Well that's strange. Gilbert told me Feli got one."
"What would that bastard know about anything?" Lovino rolled his eyes and returned to his book.
Antonio hummed in response, and a few empty seconds passed by. The wind stirred the pages of the book, but Lovino held them down.
"He said that Feli told him the puppy was his. And that he was sharing it with Ludwig," Antonio continued.
Lovino frowned and gears started turning in his head. "Who the fuck is Ludwig?"
"Gilbert's brother," Antonio replied simply. He watched Lovino's expression. "I think he and Feli are friends."
Lovino pressed his lips together, and his blood boiled beneath his skin. "Feli would've told me if he was sharing a dog with the brother of your German-bastard friend."
Antonio didn't say anything. Gold sunlight reflected in his eyes and they were hard to read.
"Is there something else?" Lovino snapped impatiently. He closed his book and tossed it to the side; he'd lost interest in it.
"What if," Antonio began. Lovino waited for him to finish, but Antonio closed his eyes and smiled. "Ah, nevermind," he murmured, and laid back in the grass.
Lovino huffed in annoyance. He hated when Antonio would edit his thoughts, but there was nothing he could do; he knew Antonio wouldn't tell him if he didn't want to.
"Lovi," Antonio called softly. "Take a siesta with me."
Lovino's cheeks flushed and he twisted his hands together anxiously. "Damn it, why are we so lazy?" he grumbled, but lied back onto the grass anyway. He faced Antonio, and frowned at his smiling face. "What?"
"Nothing," Antonio answered smoothly, and brushed a lock of Lovino's hair away from his eyes.
"Then why are you looking at me like that?" Lovino demanded, and his skin buzzed under Antonio's touch.
Antonio's eyes sparkled in amusement. "I always look at you like this," he said. "But actually, I was wondering if you'd like to go out again."
Lovino's eyes widened, and his breath caught. "Oh."
"And I was wondering if you'd like to go out for dinner, or something like that," Antonio finished. His eyes searched Lovino's face.
"O-oh, I, um," Lovino stuttered nervously, and avoided meeting Antonio's gaze. He could rationalize meeting with Antonio in a park, and outdoors, and on the balcony because it was always private, and always secret. But meeting in town? With people? What would they say? What would Lovino say? It confused him just to predict it.
"Do you not want to?" Antonio asked gently.
Lovino stared at him, and he caught the faint hint of sadness in Antonio's expression: it looked like disappointment. Lovino didn't like that look on Antonio. He hated it. It tore at his heart. "N-no, I…" Lovino tried again. "Sure. Um, yeah."
"Is that a yes?"
Lovino flushed and curled closer into himself. "Y-yeah," he affirmed quietly.
"Okay," Antonio replied, and his voice was lighter. He ran his hands through Lovino's hair and over his warm cheeks. "Gracias, Lovi."
Lovino didn't say anything. He closed his eyes and willed himself to fall asleep. He was embarrassed, confused, ashamed, and slightly happy about the date. But it still terrified him.
And then there was that comment about Feliciano ringing in his head; and that terrified him too.
~/~
Later that night, when Feliciano was singing random pieces of old Italian songs and stirring risotto alla Milanese, Lovino was stewing at the dining room table. He was still thinking about what Antonio said.
"Feli," Lovino called, and he picked a grape from the bowl sitting at the center of the table.
"Si, Lovi," Feliciano replied.
"Who's Ludwig?" Lovino asked, his voice low.
Feliciano paused his stirring momentarily, then giggled. "Oh, he's a friend of mine. He's studying under Elizaveta right now, so I met him at my appointment a few weeks ago."
Lovino glared at his brother's back. "And he's Gilbert's brother?" Lovino never really felt comfortable around Gilbert. He was strange and obnoxious, and a complete idiot; but that wasn't really the problem, since half of the people Lovino was around were idiots. After he found out that Gilbert was gay though…Well, maybe gay, maybe bi (he dated Elizaveta, didn't he?), maybe whatever—it was never really clear. But he's dating that wine critic from San Francisco, and ever since Lovino heard the news about it, he's felt distinctly uncomfortable around him. And he doesn't feel as though he can trust Gilbert's brother either.
But Feliciano was laughing again, as if Lovino had said something funny. "He is, but Luddy is nothing like Gilbert. He's so funny.~"
Lovino grimaced and turned away. "I heard you guys were sharing a dog."
"Ve~ kind of. Luddy's so nice. He found Berlitz on the street, and took him home. But his apartment complex doesn't allow pets, so I'm helping him out."
"Is the dog here now?" Lovino asked and darted his eyes around.
"Yep! Tino's taking him for a walk. I'm giving him back to Ludwig soon though."
Lovino rested his elbow on the table and stared at his brother's back.
Maybe he was overreacting. Feliciano's always been an affectionate friend, and he's always loved animals and helping people out. Just because he's dog-sitting for some strange guy…
Yeah, it wasn't Feliciano that worried Lovino. But a brother of Gilbert's couldn't be a good influence. Lovino wondered what Ludwig wanted from his brother.
~/~
The next day, Lovino told Antonio that he would meet him in town before dinner. He told him that he had a few errands to run, and didn't want to drag him around the stores, but by the look in Antonio's eyes, Lovino didn't fool him. At least not completely.
Lovino had no errands to run, but he did need to go somewhere. He went to church. It was empty, and cold—and Lovino was eternally grateful that it was. He didn't want any strangers lingering around, or any nuns and priests; he just wanted to be alone with God. Because he needed Him right now.
So, Lovino found the furthest pew he could find - away from the doors and the windows - and kneeled down. In his head he prayed.
Dear God,
You probably already know why I'm here. I'm just…I'm really confused. I…thought I knew what was right, and what I should do, but lately, I can't seem to figure it out anymore.
People confuse me. All of them, including myself. I just can't seem to figure out what's right and wrong anymore, and I can't remember what I believe.
I thought I hated Antonio. I thought that's what I felt. I thought that's what I should've felt, and what you wanted me to feel. But I just…can't hate him. I can't. And it scares me that I can't, because I know I like him more than I should. And I think he likes me more than he should too.
He's not going to get in trouble, is he? I really don't want him too. He's an idiot, and a bastard, but he's also nice. He's a lot nicer than I am. And he has a lot less reason to be.
…Is it really bad to be with him? I mean—maybe sometimes it's bad to be gay, but it can't be like that with Antonio, right? Right?
I really hope it's okay. B-because I don't know how much longer I can push him away. I want to do the right thing, but it's just…if it's Antonio, I…
I don't know if I can do it.
~/~
Lovino left the church later than he expected. He was so concentrated, he lost track of the time, and when he casually glanced at his watch, he realized he was already late. So he booked it from the pew, to his motorcycle, and sped through the downtown, to the fountain where Antonio wanted to meet. Lovino parked messily, but okay, and left his motorcycle walking very fast, and not as cold as he was before. He wondered how churches could always be so cold, even on the warmest day.
As he walked, Lovino tugged at his jacket collar, to make sure it straight, and he darted his eyes around, in search of Antonio. When he reached the fountain, and it was surrounded by only children and mothers, he panicked. Could Antonio have left? Lovino was ten minutes late, perhaps he got angry and—
"Oh, Lovi!" a familiar voice called.
Lovino's heart raced at once and he span around on his heel. Past the flowing water he spotted Antonio's smiling face, and he paced around to meet him.
As soon as they made eye contact, Lovino looked down in embarrassment. "I-I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't realize the time."
Antonio laughed, and brought him into a hug. Lovino's eyes immediately looked around, to see who was watching.
"Aw, it's okay, Lovi," Antonio said near his ear. He pulled away and grinned at him. "I'm just glad you came!"
Lovino didn't miss the excited glint to his eyes, and the remaining creases of worry on Antonio's forehead.
He thought I wouldn't come.
"Whatever," Lovino muttered and he turned away. "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."
"Okay!" Antonio chirped, and fell into stride next to him. "Was there some place you wanted to go?"
"I don't really care. You choose," Lovino replied. He still didn't know the restaurants around here very well.
Antonio's hand brushed against his. "Hm, well…there is a Mexican restaurant I go to sometimes. Is that okay with you? Or would you prefer Italian?"
"As if I'd try the shitty Italian food around here," Lovino mumbled and blushed when Antonio chuckled at what he said.
"I don't think it could compare to your cooking, so I understand."
Antonio's fingers touched Lovino's more deliberately: quietly asking permission to hold his hand. Lovino's breath caught, and his head and heart fought about what to do. Then in a split-second decision, he stuffed his hand in his pocket.
Antonio had his answer.
~/~
Lovino thought - Lovino had hoped - that perhaps, once they were seated at a restaurant, some of these feelings would pass. But in reality, it felt as if everything was getting so much worse.
He felt as though all eyes were on them. Was that possible? The waitress smiled at them and led them to their table quite normally, but when Antonio leaned over the table and pointed to something on Lovino's menu—did that appear suspicious? Did the couple down the way notice how Lovino smiled at one of Antonio's stupid jokes? Did it look smitten? Did he look smitten? He didn't mean to. He didn't want to. He wasn't.
"Lovino," Antonio called softly.
Lovino was startled anyway, and glanced up from his sparkling water. He met Antonio's eyes first, they were very gentle, and very green; then he felt his touch, and he stared at their hands. Antonio was covering his on the table.
"Are you okay?" Antonio asked, his voice so tentative, like he was stepping on broken glass.
Lovino's eyes stung for a moment, and he wanted to confess everything; as if Antonio was the person he should confess too, and not God. But he didn't say anything. He retracted his hand, lifted his menu and let out a hollow, awkward laugh.
"Yeah, o-of course I'm fine. What does it look like?" His voice didn't sound nearly as threatening as he wanted.
Antonio's sigh was small, but Lovino still heard it, and it made his heart ache.
But as always, Antonio managed a bright smile, and he continued. "You look very nice today, by the way."
Lovino flushed without meaning to, and he glanced down at his outfit. It was simple - just a t-shirt, leather jacket, and jeans - but he had put care into it. "Th-thank you," he murmured.
His eyes travelled to Antonio again. It didn't escape his notice how dressed up Antonio looked either. He wanted to say something. He could compliment how Antonio wasn't wearing a ripped pair of jeans for once. Or how he was actually buttoning his shirts. Or how it looked like actually styled his hair. Maybe he could tell him, for the first time, just how goddamn beautiful his eyes are.
"Y-you look, um, pretty…pretty…"
"Gracias!" Antonio responded happily.
Lovino's ears burned and he dropped his menu. "Damn it, that's not what I meant! You didn't let me finish! I was going to say you looked k-kind of, you know, h-handsome…"
Antonio's eyes widened, and Lovino thought he was going to jump out of his chair.
"Oh, Lovino. That's so—"
"Hello, there! Are you two ready for me to take your order?"
Lovino almost screamed when he realized their waitress had materialized by their side without a sound. His heart raced, and he couldn't help but panic wondering whether she heard Lovino's compliment. Normal men didn't compliment other men, did they?
Antonio appeared as happy as ever though, and responded to the waitress with an enthusiastic order of a cheese quesadilla, pinto beans, rice, and a refill of chips and salsa.
The waitress turned to Lovino, and he could've swore he caught the knowing glint in her eyes. He mumbled a fast order of chile Colorado, and handed her the menu. Lovino's heart was in his throat.
As soon as she was gone, Antonio leaned over the tale, grinning and sparkling like a rainbow. "Lovi, did you really mean that?"
Lovino stared at the tablecloth as another blush warmed his skin.
"Lovi?~"
He crossed his arms, and dug his nails into his jacket. "Yeah, yea—"
"Oh hey! Artie look it's Antonio!"
That powerfully American voice made Lovino's words die on his lips. He prayed that no one they knew would be here.
Antonio didn't miss the sudden fear shadowing Lovino's face, and he turned to Alfred courteously, hoping to push him away before Lovino could. "Hi amigos! How are you two doing?"
Alfred and Arthur lingered by their table, and Lovino shrunk further and further back into his seat. This was that strange gay couple that scared him at Francis's brunch all of those months ago.
"Alfred decided to drag me out for dinner tonight. He wanted to show me one of the 'secret treasures' of the town," Arthur sighed, and gave Alfred a disapproving glare.
Alfred didn't seem to notice, or care, and laughed anyway. "Aw, come on Artie! Don't be that way! You enjoyed your burrito, didn't you?"
"I would've enjoyed it more if it didn't look exactly like the cat's intestines I operated on this morning."
Alfred laughed again, and finally noticed Lovino's hunched, blushing figure. "Oh, hey there Lovino! I didn't even see ya' there." His blue eyes darted between Lovino and Antonio. "So are you guys eating together then?"
Antonio smiled politely, but didn't respond right away.
Lovino took the initiative for him. "I'm waiting for my brother, who's late as always. The bastard saw me sitting here alone and sat down." Lovino kept his gaze to the table and prayed that Arthur and Alfred would take the bait.
Then he heard the most terrifying sound.
Alfred's disbelieving laugh, followed by, "Aw, you don't have to lie. We can tell what's going on here." He gave them both an exaggerated wink.
Lovino stared at Antonio, terrified, and Antonio in turn, began to dissuade Alfred. "No, really. Lovino's right. You don't under—"
"Aw, come now Toni! You guys were making googly eyes at each other the first time we say you two together. Don't think anything escapes these eyes," Alfred said proudly.
Arthur made a snide comment to himself, but no one bothered to make it out.
Antonio was busy chuckling lightly again, trying to make light of the situation. "Alfred, you don't seem to understand. We're just friends. Really."
"Hm, Artie, what do you think?" Alfred asked playfully.
Arthur was ready to announce his opinion on the subject, but he caught Antonio's pleading stare, and stopped. He finally noticed Lovino's red face, and shining, brown eyes—ready to cry or yell. Arthur pressed his lips together, and grasped Alfred's arm. "Oh, come on you bloody idiot. We're wasting their time. We need to get home and feed the animals anyway."
"Aw, Artie! Don't be like that!" Alfred protested, and dragged his feet as Arthur led him away from the table. "Isn't it obvious they're going out? You think so too, don't you?" Alfred gossiped loudly, and more than a few heads turned to see what the fuss was about.
Lovino was ready to die right there and then. He didn't want to cry in public though. He wouldn't. He just…
"Lovi, are you okay?" Antonio asked, and his hand reached across the table again.
Something violent flashed across Lovino's face, and he clumsily stumbled to his feet and started walking.
"Lovino?" Antonio called, and he quickly followed suit. The waitress appeared in front of him with their meals, and he dug through his pockets for his wallet. Without counting, he handed her what money he had, and bolted out the door.
Lovino was already across the street, not running, but walking fast with his hand over his mouth. Was his back trembling?
"Lovino! Lovino, please wait!" Antonio shouted, and he ran as fast as he could to catch up.
Lovino made no move to run away - perhaps he hadn't even heard him - and when Antonio reached him he grabbed his arm and yanked him backwards so they were face to face.
Antonio's heart broke. Lovino was crying. He was trying not too. He kept his hand curled over his mouth, but tears ran down his cheeks anyway, and sobs rocked his body unsteadily. He looked so miserable.
"Lovi," Antonio repeated, and this time in a whisper. He brushed the tears away from Lovino's cheeks, and held his face. The yellow light of the street lamps reflected in his eyes. They were as bright and lonely as the stars. "What's wrong?"
Lovino looked at him and cried for seconds, maybe minutes. His words never came easy, but now he struggled to get them out at all. So he began with actions. His cold hands wrapped around Antonio's warm ones and pushed them away from his face. "S-stop," he stuttered.
Antonio's breath caught in his throat. "What do you mean?" he asked slowly.
Lovino clenched his fingers into his palm. "Just s-stop it. Stop…e-everything," he said shakily. "Just stop b-being nice to me. Stop touching m-me…stop kissing me."
Antonio tried to hold his hand again, but Lovino pushed him away.
"Antonio, stop," Lovino begged, and he stared hard at Antonio's face. "I c-can't do this. It's not right. I'm just…I'm not what they think—I can't be like this. I—"
"Lovino," Antonio said, his voice straining to be cool. "It's okay. Calm down. We can talk about this. How about we go home, and sit down, and we can—"
"No, we can't, damn it! I can't do this! Why can't you j-just leave me alone! I'm not worth it!"
"Lovino, please—"
"I'm too damn scared, and you're too damn nice, and this is all so fucked up! You can't love me! You can't. B-because I can't love you back," Lovino exclaimed and his voice broke towards the end.
Antonio stared at him, and his eyes gained a level of seriousness Lovino rarely saw.
"I think you already do," he said.
Lovino paled, and stepped backwards. "No, I don't," he replied levelly. A strange anger flared through his veins and he shoved Antonio with his fists. "Damn it, you don't seem to get it! I'm not like you! Or Alfred, or Arthur, or Gilbert. I don't like men," Lovino affirmed. And he hit Antonio once more. "A-and I don't like you either!"
"You're lying," Antonio said, and his hands caught Lovino's wrists before they could hit his chest again. He held Lovino tightly and stared at him. "One thing I still haven't been able to understand is how someone so well-loved, so well cared for, and so free, traps himself in his own little cage."
"I am not—"
"How can you be so lonely, and yet be so terrified of letting anyone close to you? Do you really think God is so evil that he would want it this way!"
Tears bubbled in Lovino's eyes again, and he tried to yank free from Antonio's grip. "Let me go damn it! You don't know anything!" If anything Antonio held on tighter.
"Do you think my parents were right when they said someone like me is disgusting and strange, and turned out the way I did because the nannies failed at raising me?" Antonio demanded, and his voice was louder.
Lovino's throat tightened and he could feel the curious glances of people walking by. "Shut up. People are looking at us," he ordered under his breath.
Antonio's eyes almost flashed red, Lovino had never seen him so angry. "Why do you care so much? Just let them stare! Not everyone's opinion matters! They're not all judging you!"
"But they," Lovino began helplessly. "Yes, they are."
"Why do you care so damn much though?"
Antonio swore? Lovino felt almost afraid of him now. He couldn't speak.
Antonio seemed to sense this, and slowly let go of Lovino's hands. "I'm sorry."
Hot tears fell again, and when Antonio tried to brush them away, Lovino blocked his hand.
"I…I just don't want to be…" he couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. It caught in his throat.
"You don't want to be what? Different?" Antonio guessed. "But everyone's different. In some way or another, everyone's weird or strange. It's not as though liking another man would keep people from getting to know you."
That's not it.
"I know," Lovino choked. He started walking again, in search of his parked motorcycle.
Antonio was by his side though. "Lovino, please," Antonio pleaded. "I didn't mean to scare you. I lost my temper, I'm sorry. Please, tesoro. Just talk to me."
Stop apologizing. It's not your fault. It never is.
"Lovino, please," Antonio said again, his voice weak. They reached the motorcycle, and Lovino already threw one leg over. "Lo siento, mi amor. Don't leave like this. I don't want you to be mad at me."
"…I-I'm not mad," Lovino replied softly, and he tugged on his helmet.
Antonio's eyes brightened in hope and he touched Lovino's shoulder. "Can you promise me that we'll talk about this tonight?"
Lovino's fingers gripped the handles.
"Or tomorrow, if you prefer. Just…" Antonio sighed. "I want to make sure we talk, okay?"
"Tomorrow then," Lovino muttered, and he turned on the bike.
The rev of the motor made Antonio jump, but he managed a smile anyway and squeezed Lovino's shoulder once. "Okay," he whispered. "Drive safe."
Lovino pushed off the kickstand and started away. He heard a faint "te quiero" echo to his ears. He pushed the gas harder and ignored it.
It's his fault, not Antonio. It's all his fault. He knows it. And he doesn't want Antonio to love him. Antonio's too good. God's too good. He can't make either of them happy. He's too afraid, and too much of a fuck up.
Because the truth is:
I just don't want to be gay.
~/~
"Bark! Bark!"
Feliciano groaned and tried to hide further under the covers.
"Bark!" The sound was closer, and suddenly, the mattress bounced. A small body cuddled near Feliciano's head and licked his hair.
"Berlitz," Feliciano whined, and he begrudgingly left the warmth of the blanket to look at the puppy. "What's wrong? Aren't you tired?"
The puppy tilted his head, and Feliciano sighed.
"How does Luddy do it? He must be superhuman to take care of a puppy all night," Feliciano wondered, and he pet the back of the dog's ear. "Well," he cooed. "I guess we'll go downstairs and see what you need, hm?" He hopped off of the bed and Berlitz stumbled after him. They walked together out of the room and into the cold, dark hallway. Or at least, it should be dark. It's well past four in the morning. But there was a soft light streaming from the bottom of Lovino's bedroom door.
Feliciano was too curious to ignore it, and quietly, he snuck up to the room. First, he pressed his ear to the door and listened for any sign of Antonio-in case he was just making a late night appearance. Feliciano didn't hear any voices; he just heard rustling and zipping and…sniffling? Crying?
He knocked on the door. "Lovi? Are you awake?" he asked gently. The sounds stopped at once. "Lovi?"
The door swung open, and Lovino appeared in front of him, still full dressed, but in a state of rare disarray. His hair, his face, his clothes: everything was messy.
"What are you doing here?" he deadpanned. His voice sounded more detached than the dried tear-stains on his cheeks.
"Well I…I saw the light, and was wondering if you were still awake," Feliciano replied helplessly.
Lovino didn't answer, and returned inside his room. Feliciano followed him, and Berlitz trailed behind.
The sight of the room startled him, and he stared at Lovino for an explanation. "Lovi, what is this? Why are you packing your suitcase?"
Lovino stuffed a few more shirts and jackets, and pressed them down with his elbows. "I'm leaving," he said.
Feliciano gasped. "You're what?" He thought Lovino was happy! He thought Lovino would stay forever!
"I'm leaving," Lovino repeated, and he zipped the bag and brought it to its feet. He started rolling it away.
Feliciano trailed after him helplessly. "Why? Where? For how long?"
Lovino lifted the suitcase, and began carrying it down the stairs. "I'm going back to Verona. I don't know for how long."
"B-but—" Feliciano stopped, and his throat felt tight. "What about me? What about Tino and Toni and everyone? Have you told them?"
Lovino dropped the suitcase at the base of the steps, on the hardwood floor. "No," he replied bitterly. He lifted up the handle and started walking again.
"Lovi!" Feliciano called again, and he chased after him. "Why are you going? Did nonno call? Did something happen? I don't understand!"
Lovino twisted around and stared at him hard in the face. "Shut up. I'm going because I have to."
"What? But that doesn't make any…" Feli narrowed his eyes, and then the pieces fell together. "Are you going because of Toni?" he asked, and his voice was gentle with understanding.
Lovino's eyes sharpened. "No, I'm not."
"But Lovi—" Feli reached out for him, but his hand was slapped away.
"Go away, Feli. I don't want to hear this from you," Lovino warned, a threat lingering in his voice. "Take your boyfriend's dog away too."
"My boyfriend's do—Ludwig isn't my boyfriend!" Feliciano replied indignantly. "We're friends! I like him, but nothing's happened yet!"
"Whatever. I don't care. Just go away," Lovino muttered, and dragged his suitcase closer to the front door. Feliciano grabbed his arm.
"Lovi, if you leave without telling Antonio, you're going to break his heart."
Lovino didn't turn around. His head lowered and he pulled his arm away. Without replying, he opened the door and marched outside. A taxi was glowing in the darkness, and Feliciano watched his brother slip inside the car, and the driver finish putting the suitcase away, and climbing in after him. The car drove away, and Feliciano started crying.
His brother wasn't just breaking Antonio's heart. He was breaking his own as well. And once again, he was going to be alone.
And this time, Lovino wasn't going to let anyone find him.
~/~
Another promotion here: The Goliath Beetle and I are doing another gift exchange, and her first installment was just posted, called As We Were. You should definitely check it out if you get the chance! She's a fab right as I've said before :) and the story's amazing so far. AS SHE IS.
Also, thank you to all of my old and new favoriters/followers/and of course reviewers! It was lovely to hear what my new readers had to say about the fic! They really made my day. And the guest Binxx, don't worry! I love reading your reviews anyway! They're always some of my favorites :D Thank you so much for taking an interest in the story! I only wish there was a way to reply to guest reviews xD
I tried my very best with this chapter! I had to tackle some difficult subjects, so it was rather hard. But we're 80k+ words into the chapter, so I guess the conflict was a long time coming, huh?
Anyway, thank you so, so much for reading. Til next time!
Please review! :)
