The next day, Alex kept her head down as she handed me the warrant. I took it and tried to smile. She started to rush away, but I stopped her, gently taking her wrist.
She flinched and whimpered, which just about broke my heart. "I just wanted to say thank you, princess," I said softly.
That clearly hit a sore spot and her face contorted. She yanked her arm out of my reach. "I can't do this, Olivia! This is exactly what I mean. You're cruel to me one minute and gentle the next, even now, and I know you were not dissociating yesterday."
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I was wrong."
She was clearly done with just rolling over and taking it, because she bit out, "Damn right."
"Baby, I'm sorry –"
"Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're always sorry, but that doesn't make any difference. We all know the signs of a batterer and that's one of them. I left you, Olivia, and I'm not coming back. This is exactly why. I can't live in fear – in pain – anymore. You hurt me, Olivia, and this time, you meant to. Move on and accept that. I can't love someone who hurts me."
"But," I whispered, not even caring how childish it sounded. "I love you."
She sighed and wiped a hand across her eyes, then confessed softly, "I love you, too. But I can't take this anymore. You don't love me, because we tell victims every day that someone who loves you should never hurt you. And you hurt me."
"I didn't mean to!"
"And that's what they say too."
I knew she was right and I couldn't stop the tears from coursing down my cheeks. I tried to keep them to a dignified minimum, but it was difficult. "Alex," I murmured. "Please –"
She shook her head. "This is what you do to me. I've given you all I can give and then I've pushed even harder, past all my boundaries just for you. And you gave me nothing in return. You just took more. I sacrificed everything for you and I can't do it anymore." By now, she was crying too.
I wanted to hug her, to take her into my arms and kiss her tears away. But I knew I couldn't do that. It would frighten her, alarm her. And that hurt more than anything.
I wrapped my arms around myself, which was the next best thing. "Please, Alex, please. We both need some time to heal, but we can do this. We can make it work. I love you, princess. I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Sometimes," she said quietly but firmly. "You need to learn when you have to just let go."
She was right, of course. I was making things worse. But I loved her so much and that was all I could see. I couldn't let go of her. We were soul mates, meant for each other. We belonged together. I didn't know what I'd do without her. "I need you," I protested weakly.
She was crying even harder by now, but she managed to choke out through her tears, "That's what they all say, too, to get their victims to stay. I can't be your victim anymore, Olivia. I can't. I love you, but I've got to do this for myself. I've got to move on and do what's best for me. I can't spend the rest of my life worrying about how to keep you happy at all times. Please try to understand. I can't stay here anymore." She took a deep breath. "I've given Liz my letter of resignation. I leave in two days. And you're not going to follow me."
The world started to spin around me. She was leaving. Forever. We were over. And it was all my fault. I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't! "Alex," I begged as my knees buckled and I sank to the ground. "Alex, please, please don't do this. Please. I love you so much! I can't – I can't – I need –"
"I can't worry about what you need, Olivia. You need to think about what I need. And what I need is not to be here anymore. I need stability. I need security. I need to know I'm not going to be hurt. I need to know you're not going to snap and hit me for absolutely no reason. I deserve to be happy. I shouldn't have to live in fear. And you clearly can't accommodate any of those things."
And she turned and walked away, leaving me on my knees, sobbing my heart out as I wondered how everything had gone so wrong.
Review if you'd like chapter ten!
