These Words I Can Not Speak...
It was late and Raph was just on his way to Leo's door with his next letter when he heard Leo cry out in his sleep. Leo was having another nightmare, by the sound of it. Raph debated what to do for a minute...should he wake his brother. He couldn't just leave him in there trapped in his own head. But at the same time, Raph was worried how weird things might be if he actually did go to his brother like they had spoken about in their letters. They had pretty mch been living life as if they weren't writing these letters on a nightly bases. But they definatley had a better understanding of each other. They showed it in little unspoken ways, Raph stopped hounding Leo about every little decision. Leo stopped harassing Raph about his every move. They hadn't had barely a cross word between them in over a week and this time it wasn't because they were scared, it was becasue they understood more about each other then they had in a long time.
Raph took a deep breath before continuing on his way. He had just written in the letter that he now clutched in his hand about how he was here for Leo no matter what, and he was going to prove it. Raph eased Leo's bedroom door open quietly. Leo was thrashing around in a tangled mess of blankets, tossing and turning, reaching out to someone only he could see.
"No, no, no!" He kept repeating over and over.
Raph feeling quiet unsure of himself shut the door softly behind him and moved to Leo's bedside, sitting down. He took hold of Leo's shoulder and he shook it gently "Leo, wake up, yer havin' a nightmare" he said in his best reasuring voice.
Raph had to gently shake Leo more then once before the leader opened his eyes with a frantic jolt. Leo shot up in bed, heart racing. It took him a few moments (as it usually did after a nightmare) to realise where he was. But this time he wasn't alone. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he made out the shape of one of his brothers. He knew at once it was Raph. Leo still caught up in his emotional state felt tears prick his eyes, knowing that his brother had come to be with him. Hot headed, tough guy Raph. Even after what he had told Raph in the last letter, Raph had still come. Leo was very grateful for the darkness, he was not going to cry like a baby. That wasn't who he was. Leo wasn't sure what was going on with him lately. He felt so bad all the time. He tried to hide it, but it was definitely coming out in his letters to Raph. Raph said he sounded almost depressed. And although Leo was never going to admit it, it was true. Writing and reading the letters each night was a sort of cathartic release for Leo. It made the ache in his chest that he carried always just a bit more bearable. Leo didn't speak as he stared at his brother in the dark. He just concentrated on getting his breathing and thoughts under control.
After a few more moments Raph broke the silence "You okay bro?"
Leo nodded, and feeling certain he no longer looked like he was about to cry he reached over to turn on his lamp, "yeah" he whispered.
"You wanna talk about it?" Raph asked, glancing nervously around his brothers room. Raph felt totally out of his comfort zone here.
Leo settled back down on his pillow, watching his brother. "No, not at the moment...thanks for waking me though".
Raph's eyes settled on Leo, a small smile played on his lips "Don't mention it." Raph notcie that Leo's breathing was settling down, that his brother seemed visably calmer then when he'd first woken up. 'So are ya okay now?" Raph asked.
"I'm ok" Leo nodded, shifting on his bed.
"Ok" Raph replied and went to stand up, intending on leaving the letter as he had come to do, now that Leo seemed ok; But Leo's hand on his writst stopped him. Raph stopped, confused.
Leo just looked at him, "stay?" he finally whispered.
The brothers just stared at each other for a few moments, before Raph maneuvered himself on Leo's bed so he was laying down beside his brother.
Leo felt relief wash through him. They both just lay there like that for a while. Niether saying anything. Or making a move to turn the light off. Just being there. Leo drinking in the comfort that he felt having Raph right there beside him, helping to wash away the last remains of the nightmare. He felt a little weird too...acting like such a baby, needing his brother to stay with him, but right at that moment Leo decided not to care about that.
Raph felt like he was finally doing something right for one of his brothers. Especially when he had been feeling increasingly worried abou Leo lately. How depressed sounding he was in the letters and all the nightmares.
After a few minutes of laying in silence Leo noticed the piece of paper Raph still had in his hand.
"What's that?" Leo asked Raph, nodding to the paper but not moving from his position on the bed.
Raph glanced down, suprised that he had forgotten that he still held Leo's next letter in his hand.
"Ah, um, your letter" Raph replied awkwardly, having never given one of them to Leo face to face.
Leo reached out his hand to take it from Raph. Raph pulled it away from Leo's reach. Leo looked at his brother, confusion clouding his eyes.
"I, we never do this face ta face Leo..." Raph began.
"Yeah I know" Leo replied, pushing himself up onto his elbow, looking down at Raph, "but..." Leo trailed off. Not wanting to admit how much he loved the letters, how much they were helping him and how much he wanted the new one to read right now. How happy he was that Raph had written back after what he had admitted in his last letter, that Raph had come to help him out at all after that.
Raph saw the longing in Leo's eyes. "It's weird readin' them when we in the same room...isn't it?"
"Maybe...yeah, it is but I won't say anything. I won't talk about it or anything okay, I promise" Leo replied, knowing Raph would feel embarrassed about it, but still really wanting to read the next letter.
Reluctantly Raph handed the letter over, and focused his eyes on the shut doorway. He was feeling quiet embarrassed having Leo read his letter while he was mere inches from him. Raph tried not to think about it but he kept stealing glances over at Leo, watching as a range of expressions crossed Leo's face as he read.
Leo unfolded the letter and began to read, feeling a little weird himself having Raph right there besied him. And fighting the urge to reply to Raph face to face about some of the things Raph had written.
Hey Leo,
I am a jerk. Just ask them ok. I, yeah just ask them about that stuff...I'll tell ya anything else though. Don't hate yourself. Leo. Please. I'm sure Don and Mike aren't doing it on purpose. Maybe you should talk to them about that too...but I'm sure they're not. They're not like that, they don't hold on to grudges.
Hopefully this will lift ya mood up a bit. Mikey and the chair was funny as shell. Me and Don go into the kitchen one day and here's Mike with his head caught inbetween the back slats of one of the kitchen chairs. Wrestling around trying to pull his head out. So freaking hilarious. Apparently he had been watching Funniest home videos and had seen a video of a little boy with his head caught in a chair, and genious that our little brother is, he was sure that if the kid had gotten his head into the gap he should have been able to just pull it back out, no problems. So Mikey goes and sticks his head inbetween the chair slats, and guess what, he's stuck too. Even though he hasn't got ears or anything. And instead of calling out for help he just stays there stuck for like half an hour, 'cos he knows we'll never let him live it down. It takes us another half an hour to get him out once we found him, we ended up unscrewing the chair after several failed attempts of pulling, pushing, oilling, Don decidng to cut the chair up with a saw and Mikey yelling 'call the fire department!' Like the boy in the video did. Although I should point out the boy was all of 5 and had his head stuck in like a small kids sized chair. And the dad in the video took the chair apart to get the kid out. Mike didn't think to tell us that part...until after and I guess me and Don took half an hour to think of it ourselves. Don was annoyed at himself for missing such a simple solution. But man it was funny.
Ask Mike about that too. I wish we had filmed it.
Leo smiled as he read Raph's retelling of Mikey and the chair. Mikey and the Chair, could be a book title, Leo thought. Leo had to fight back the urge to really crack up because he had promised Raph he wouldn't say anything. And although he didn't think that part would embarrass Raph he just kept reading.
And...on a heavier note
Leo I want you to know...I'm here for you ok. Whether you want to talk about the nightmares or not. Whenever ya want to talk or write or what ever you need I'm here. We're all here. You'll always fit. Always.
You need to let the guilt go to man, ok. You need to forgive yourself. And next time I screw up (Cos no matter how hard I try I'm sure there will be a next time) I'm gonna make sure Splinter knows what's what ok. Maybe you are responsible for us...but your not the only one ok.
I understand what you mean, about feeling free while you were away. I know we (me) are a lot to deal with and this city and all it's problems don't help. I don't hate you for saying it. Really I don't. And it doesn't make you a bad brother or son! You carry alot on your shoulders Leo. It's ok to resent it sometimes. It's ok to act like a normal teenager. It's ok. And I will never hate you.
Raph
P.S Let the guilt go...for me, please.
True to his word when Leo had finished reading Raph's letter he didn't say a word, he folded it neatly and placed it in his bedside draw with Raph's other letters. Leo then reached over and switched the lamp off. "Night Raph" Leo said as he found a comfortable postion, thinking to himself how lucky he was.
"Night Leo" Raph replied, as he did the same.
They both knew tomorrow that they would just go on like normal. As they had been every day; nobody knowing they're little secret.
AN: 'Mikey and the chair' was inspired by something a little boy I use to know did once. Most of the details are what happened. He wasn't watching funniest home videos though, he just did it...no one knows why lol. He was only 5 though so much younger then Mikey. But when it happened it did make me think it was something Mikey would do.
Let me know what you think please!
