Chp. VII: And you can call me...

Disclaimer: RWBY is owned by RT. ;)

"Early Happy Holidays!" ~ ARC


TIMELINE I - FUTURE

Nora Valkyrie and Emerald Sustrai had a silent mutual understanding with each other. It was the type of silent mutual understanding that, say, for example, might be shared by two people who had walked in on each other singing "Let It Go!" in the bathroom (a very traumatic experience).

Nora wished that was what she shared in common with Emerald (it was what she shared in common with Blake, though to be fair, Blake had threatened to murder her in her sleep if word got out).

"It's been a while," Emerald said off-handedly. "When was the last time we saw each other?"

"The reunion," Nora told her. Nora asked the waitress for coffee with as much sugar as humanly possible. Nothing said 'wake-up!' like high blood pressure and increasing your heart-attack rate.

Emerald placed her order. "The one where Yang got banned from Beacon for property damage? Or was that Blake?"

"I'd place my bets on both," Nora told her seriously. "But speaking of Team WIYB…"

"So Glynda brought JNPR in, huh?" Emerald said. "I feel kind of bad I couldn't do anything. Did you guys…?"

"Jaune wants to use what's happening as an excuse for messing with people's scrolls," Nora said. She grinned and leaned forward. "His experiments are always fun to be around. A lot of 'booms!' and 'kablooms!' y'know."

"But you're not there," Emerald points out. "What could've made JNPR's resident pyromaniac pass an opportunity like that?"

"...Well, apparently the magical thingy has something to do with Ozpin's staff."

"Pffft—" Emerald sputtered. "Shit."

"Yeah, tell me about it." Nora raised an eyebrow. "And hey, no one else thinks this is a big deal or anything—care to join me in the 'I give a shit' list?"

"...I guess I already gave a shit, huh? You've got yourself a willing partner."


TIMELINE II - PAST

Hound wasn't one to shirk responsibilities.

Usually.

Half the time.

33% of the time.

Okay, maybe she might be the type to shirk responsibilities after all.

She learned something new about herself that day.

Whatever, Hound didn't care if she was the type to shirk responsibilities or not. Hound was already a crappy person, what was another minus to her F? Oh lords, that teaching job was getting to her…

The bell rang—signaling the end of the last period of the day. Hound's class stayed where they were, waiting for their teacher to dismiss them (out of fear that "Professor Killer" might bring down the wrath of the detention gods...and other things, if they didn't).

"Remember, there's no point in Grimm Studies if you're too dead to properly comprehend it," Hound drawled, adjusting her new monocle. It had definitely been a worthy stea—uh, that was to say, purchase. "In three days' time, I want every single one of you to bring in a full study of embarrassing and idiotic ways professional huntsmen have died by the hands of the Grimm. Details will be posted on the Class Board. Dismissed."

Her students sprang out of their desks. They rushed through the door in a wave. Alone, Hound erased her stick-figure rendition of a dumb Huntsman who forgot the décolletage weak point of a Boarbatusk (he was promptly stabbed through the chest).

Hound took her binders and left the classroom through the window.

She took her time zipping across campus and running up the walls. Hound graded her papers on the way. She was fast, if not efficient, after all.

Hound picked open a window with her pencil. The pencil broke and Hound threw it on the ground. "Iris, Torchwick, time to go."

Iris rubbed her eyes. She stood up, leaving a pile of paperwork lying on her desk. "Come on, Toothbrush. It's time to tag along."

"Okay, Toothpick sounded better. Can we go back to Toothpick?" said Torchwick. He stared at the window. "Wait, we're no—"

"Yup, Toothpaste." Iris threw Torchwick out the window.

The gang leader belted an unmanly shriek as he fell. Hound grabbed him by the collar. "Quiet, idiot."

Iris sighed. "Let's get this over with. You have no idea how much paperwork I have."


Blake couldn't help it. She jumped out of her bed when she heard the sound of a girl screaming. She looked through the window in time to see her future-self jumping from tree to tree and holding Roman Torchwick so loosely he swung around like a rag doll. Blake wondered if she should call the authorities, wake up her teammates, or go back to sleep and forget this ever happened.

Blake got back into bed. Sleep and forget this ever happened was probably best for her and everyone else's sanity.


Hound landed in front of Junior's Club. Torchwick threw up on the front lawn.

"Oh, Junior's not going to like that," Iris told Torchwick. "Way to go on first impressions."

Hound checked her scroll. Ryoko had sent her a selfie in front of the Schnee Manor. A guard was knocked out in the background. Doing a service to the world! ~ Ryoko

"Listen," Hound said, putting away her scroll. "We came here for two reasons. One, obtain Neapolitan. Two, and most importantly, crown me Queen of the Vale Underground."

Iris made a face. "I'm pretty sure that's not a title."

"Now it is."

Iris shrugged. "Okay."

See, this was why Hound liked working with Iris. Iris didn't complain about her glorious ideas. Iris didn't have a hero complex. Iris didn't bother with trying to make her a better person.

"I'll get Neo," Iris said. "You do...whatever you need to do."

"Return in two hours," Hound said. "I'll be waiting."

"Come on, Toothpaste," Iris said. She patted Torchwick on the back. "Where's Neo?"

Hound left them—She kicked open the doors to Junior's Bar.

They better have remembered her from two days ago.


"No, seriously, what do you want with Neo?" Toothpaste said. He stood up, trying (and failing) to look serious with barf on his face. "I played your game long enough, I want answers, lady."

Something exploded inside Junior's Bar. Iris ignored it and stared at Toothpaste, wondering what she should say.

Iris decided to wing it, Ozpin-style. "There are a lot of things in this world you don't understand, Toothpaste," Iris said, trying to sound super mysterious. "One day—maybe, but not today. But if you want to save the world, you can start with Neo—"

"What the fuck?" Toothpaste said. "Lady, what's coming out of your mouth?"

"Yeah, I have no idea," Iris admitted. "Please just tell me where Neo is. I promise we don't want to hurt her (if we did, you'd know)."

Toothpaste leaned forward, pointing a finger at Iris's chest. "...Look, lady—there are very few things I give a damn about in this world. Neo is one of them—so you can stick your words up your—"

A scroll appeared in Iris's hand. She dialed Ryoko. "Ryoko?"

"Oh, thank the lords—I'm dying of boredom here! Jackass sure takes his time…"

"That's nice. Tell Snow to kick his ass for me. Oh, and tell her to take care of herself," Iris told Ryoko. "Um...So do you still have Neo's number?"

"On my old scroll, yeah. Wait—I think I have it here. Why?"

Iris told Ryoko about their plan. She left out the part about Hound's newest bad idea—that would make the conversation much longer than it had to be.

Ryoko gave her Neo's number. "Good luck, man."

Iris texted Neo.

iris (2:01 AM): HI

Neo (2:02 AM): WHO THE HELL TEXTS ME AT 2:01 AM?!

"I think she's mad," Iris said out-loud.

"What gave you that idea?" asked Toothpaste. He paused, thinking over what this meant for Neo. "Wai—"


Hound wasn't one to resort to violence.

When you became the leader of a peaceful protest organization that was supposed to stay peaceful, you didn't have much of an option.

But damn the gods, Hound missed violence.

You have no idea how long Hound had held out on strangling every. single. member. of. every. council. (besides Ryoko and Moon—both of whom Hound had wanted to strangle more than a few times anyway and actually did try to do so every once in a while).

So—Hound was very happy when Junior's Club unanimously decided to shoot first and ask questions later.

Hound had already mapped out the club in case of this exact scenario—the scenario she had wanted to achieve. Well—there wasn't exactly much to analysis, per se. Junior's Club consisted of a large open area for business, dancing, and the like, a bar in the far back of the room, and an upper balcony for the DJ. But most importantly, there was a bathroom. Hound had learned from years of experience to never trust bathrooms. She would have to look out for that bathroom—

Oh, wait—they were shooting at her. At that moment. There was no time to think about the bathrooms.

Hound whipped out Gambol Shroud and sliced a cannonball in half. It exploded on impact. Hound wrapped Gambol Shroud around a bystander and pulled—the man blocked the explosion for her.

A man with a bat swung at her. Hound kicked him in the balls. She threw him at a pair of incoming guards. They tumbled over like dynamos.

"Hey! That's the one-armed faunus who stole my monocle!" shouted a well-dressed crime lord. "Get her!"

Hound dodged a knife. She jumped back and pulled something out of her pocket—

Her enemies tensed, preparing for a dirty trick.

Hound put on her monocle.

Then she threw the smoke bombs.


iris (2:04 AM): where r u?

Neo (2:11 AM): Who are you?

iris (2:11 AM): better question: what r u?

iris (2:14 AM): sry sry sry im iris

Neo (2:14 AM): Duh. Iris who?

iris (2:14): i no where toothpaste is

Neo (2:15): I have toothpaste. I'm done. Never talk to me again, weirdo.

iris (2:16): WAIT I MEAN TORHWIXK

iris (2:16): *torchwick

Neo (2:17): I'm listening.


ArcTM Special Rainbow Bombs (XR-17) were a bit of a rarity in this particular world. That is, they didn't exist.

Hound wondered then, if maybe she shouldn't have used the ArcTM Special Rainbow Bombs (XR-17) on cannon fodder. The smoke from those things hardened in .05 seconds, instantly and permanently immobilizing the enemy in wonderfully embarrassing rainbow colors and possibly embarrassing positions. Well, until someone injected the cure.

Oh, well, Hound thought, no point in thinking about the past.

The bombs took out ¼ of the cannon fodder.

Hound threw the crime lord she had stolen from into the DJ set up on the balcony.

She kicked up an immobilized henchman, blocking a kick from one of the Malachite twins. Hound flashed forward, catching the twin by her foot. Hound slammed the Malachite into the ground.

"Melanie!"

Hound wrapped Gambol Shroud around the claw weapon of the second twin. She pulled and took a shot. The claw blew off the Malachite's hand—disorientating her. Hound threw her into a pillar. The pillar cracked into a million pieces.

"Damn it, I just got that fix the other day!" growled Junior. He transformed his club into a bazooka and fired.

Hound stepped to the side. The missile slid past her by a hair's breadth. It lodged itself into the wall and blew up.

"I think you're doing more property damage yourself, Junior" Hound remarked drily. She dodged a cannon fodder and placed a shadow clone in her place as she leapt into the air. That was when Hound really put Gambol Shroud into action.

Gambol Shroud's blade sliced through the air. Then Hound pulled—triggering the pistol. The chain reaction began. Hound flipped and pushed off the ground, she spun and whipped about—and Gambol Shroud followed. Ruby had once described the effect as something like a 'black tornado destroying everything in its path'. Of course, Ruby had been alive then and Hound had more than one arm—but Hound liked to think that the description still applied. ...If only to honor her leader's memory.

Hound landed on one knee, Gambol Shroud whisking back to her. The club was eerily silent, all of its residents having been knocked unconscious or otherwise disqualified from combat.

Except for one.

Junior looked around him. He watched a hired guard fall on her face. The DJ's bear mask rolled to his feet. A henchman stuck in rainbow-colored goop in a particularly embarrassing pose stared at Junior.

Junior raised his hands. "I surrender," he said, monotone. "What do you want? You come into my club and cause mayhem by taking things out of people's pockets and putting them into other people's pockets (the girl who found a lizard in her pocket really freaked—the guy who found an underwear in his pocket didn't seem to mind too much) and then you come here and trash the place?" Junior paused. Then he added, "I really can't take much more of this…"

"What do I want?" Hound said, standing up. She smirked. "Well, you can start by calling me—"


Iris snuck into Junior's Club from the back. Usually, she would've snuck in through the front door, made possible by her faunus traits. But—well, Iris really didn't want to get involved with the tornado Hound shitshow and no matter how hard she tried, she didn't think she was going to get Torchwick through unnoticed, even if he didn't have bright orange traffic cone hair.

Iris hacked into the back door and it swung open, just barely missing Toothpaste's head.

"Hey!" Toothpaste hissed, stepping back.

"Sorry," Iris said. "Come on."

They enter the dark corridor. Iris didn't bother turning on her scroll.

Toothpaste walked into a storage box. "Fucking hell—" He stumbled over a pole. Iris caught him before he tripped. "Can you please turn on the lights? Any lights!"

"It's not that hard to see…"

"You have night vision!"

"Don't worry, Toothpaste. I'll push you."

"Ow—your pushes hurt!"

"Hm...I guess I do have muscles...hehe." Iris continued pushing Toothpaste forward, until they reached it.

The bathroom.

Naturally, when you see a closed bathroom and you have some manners, you knock. Iris knocked.

The bathroom door clicked open. A large, muscle-framed figure glared at them. "The code?"

Iris pulled out her scroll. "Uhhh...'We Don't Like Cats'?"

"Very good." The door opened for them—there was no bathroom inside, only a set of stairs.

"Okay," Iris said. "I'm kind of surprised I've never been to a bathroom that isn't a bathroom before…I'm surprised there's a bathroom that isn't a bathroom too."

"Yes, yes," said Toothpaste. "Welcome to the real Vale underground. An underground that is...literally underground."

"Huh, Hound was right. You Vale people really are classier. Atlas just has a floating airship."

Toothpaste blinked. "Atlas has a what?"

Iris was already walking down the stairs. She didn't bother answering Toothpaste "We don't want to be late, Toothpaste. Hurry."

"You don't want to be late," Toothpaste corrected. "I'm the bargaining chip here."

It wasn't hard to spot out Neo from the crowd. No matter how short she was, the bubblegum haired girl stood out like a sore thumb. Which made Iris wonder how Neo and Toothpaste got anywhere, now that she thought about it.

Iris slid into the seat across from Neo. She grinned. "It's nice to finally meet you face to face. You know, you don't age much. Do you think it's a Maiden thing?"

Neo froze. Her brows furrowed. She glared daggers. Then she was furiously tapping at her screen.

Neo (2:59 AM): I REALLY don't like you.

"...I'm hurt."


Hound was prepared to unleash a speech about her awesomeness and brimming intelligence. She had even started: "Well, you can start by calling me—"

Then a generic cannon fodder ran into the club with a panicked look on her face, utterly ruining Hound's speech. Even worse, the cannon fodder had came from the bathroom.

Fuck, Hound seethed, I knew I should've checked the damn bathroom. It's always the damn bathroom.

"What?" Junior said, sounding criminally less annoyed than how Hound felt.

"T-There's a new boss in town," the cannon fodder said. "She's taken over the entire underground!"

"What?" Junior repeated. He pointed at Hound. "Is it her?"

The cannon fodder made a confused face. "No, who is the faunus?"

"I—" Hound began.

The cannon fodder continued, "Anyway, Junior, I've never heard of her—she calls herself Iris?"

"Description?" Junior asked.

"Um...Medium height. Battle outfit. Brown hair? Freckles?"

Hound twitched. Her ear developed a tick. "No, no, no, no," she whispered. Then she screamed, "IRIS!"


"I swear it was an accident," Iris told Hound later. She shrugged like 'what can you do?'

Neo followed behind Iris, grumpy and occasionally sending glares at her back.

Neo (3:42 AM): Hahahahhahahahahahhaha...ha, sucker. (Please, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, get me out of here)

"So it all began when I joined a cult..." Iris started. "Um...that was on accident too."


A/N:

Hm...


Reviewer Responses

merendinoemilliano: Hope you enjoyed this one!

Mew Shadowfang: Fuck, they probably broke all of them. D:

DschingisKhan: Lol, it really is like that. (*whistles innocently for Ruby*)

Dev the snake faunus: 0_0

Cisk Kazzarch: Oh gosh, I know…

Darkness-Above: still going for the puns, I see...


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