Warnings: Mild inner-homophibia, mentions of past-rape in Hell, and THE SEX.
A/N: First of all. Sorry, sorry. I'd never thought that it would take me two months to finish this chapter and then univeristy came in and goodbye life and sorry. At least I'm posting before I'm going into a four day field trip that would have you waiting a whole week.
But to reward you for your patience, instead of my average 4.3k word long chapter I bring you a 7.5k word long chapter full of SMUT!
The meaning behind the title will be posted when I get back from my field trip.
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Chapter 9
My Lonely Wind
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As soon as they had gotten back into the Impala an awkward silence had settled down above them. Sam couldn't ignore the glances that his brother cast at Cas through the rear-view mirror even if he tried. At this point, Sam was starting to believe that there was some supernatural reason to why they hadn't crashed yet. At their first stop to fill the tank, Dean got off the car to buy some snacks. Sam followed him.
"Hey, Dean," he called while the other was picking some chips.
Knowing that Sam wanted to talk about feelings, he grunted, "If you are going to talk about what I think you're going to talk about then drop it."
"No, but-"
"I said drop it," he growled and went away to grab some cookies.
Sam went after him and got at his par when Dean was with the cashier.
"Dean, you can't go on this way, you need to get it out of you," insisted Sam.
"I need to what? What do you want me to do, huh?" Dean confronted him. "You want me to go there and what? Talk about my feelings? To who? To you, to Cas? For what? Because in case you haven't noticed it, the world is ending. Fucking Lucifer is free, the angels are gone, Bobby is gone and this is the fucking end of the world!" he paused to catch his breath and his raising thoughts. "I can't do this, Sam. I can't," he sighed.
"I know," acknowledged Sam.
"I won't," sentenced Dean and left the store.
He got into his car and turned the ignition on. Through his mirror, he held Cas' stare. His mouth and mind were saying something but his heart insisted on something different. He tore his eyes away when Sam came in.
None of them said anything for a long time.
A reporter on the TV of the store was speaking.
"So, Dr. Schwartz, there's been reports of a new epidemic affecting random people along Colorado and some adjacent states."
"Yes, the symptoms seem to be the same," answered the doctor. "Paranoia, extreme violence and a certain obsession with blood."
"What do you have to say about the rumors about the zombie apocalypse?" asked the woman.
"They're false, of course," denied the man, "this is purely a psychiatric condition. So we advise that if you someone you know has this to lock them down in a safe room, call 911 and wait for professionals to take care of them."
"Do you have a name for this new mental illness?"
"Yes," informed the psychiatric, "those patients that we managed to get a hold of tended to write down the same word after a while," the doctor paused to arrange his glasses. "We call it, the Croatoan Syndrome."
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It was afternoon when they arrived at the Bunker.
"Go and unpack," said Dean, "I'll make dinner."
Cas grabbed his bag while Sam grabbed both his and Dean's , and both hunters went to their respective rooms -Sam making a stop to drop Dean's bag on his brother's bed-. The eldest of the two brothers walked to the kitchen in silence, a pensive look in his features. He was facing a problem that he couldn't ignore anymore, a problem with blue eyes and a deep voice.
It had been a long time ago when he could still deny what he felt, what he wanted. He missed those days, denial was easier. But knowing what he felt and trying to ignore it, that was hard.
Three months ago, he would had sworn that Cas returned his feelings. He remembered the spark of certainty he had felt lying on the hospital bed with Cas on his side. He also remembered the rejection at the vampire's house. It didn't surprised him though, Cas may have some feelings for him and it was to expect that he hated him for it. Who would want to have any kind of romantic crap towards him? No one.
His self-hatred was such that he ignored the fact that just the day before he had learned the reasons for Cas' behavior. When he felt the tears that had started to gather in his eyes, he blamed them on the onions he was cutting.
"Dean," Sam called him while entering the kitchen. When his brother turned to look at him, and he noticed the red eyes, worried he asked. "Dean, have you been crying?" a hint of disbelief in his voice, because his older brother didn't cry, at least not that much, not enough for his eyes to be swollen red.
"It's the onions, you dumbass," Dean patronized him.
Sam sighed. He kind of wished that his brother had actually told him he'd been crying, just so it meant that he had stopped running away from his feelings.
"Stop avoiding it," commanded Sam with little patience.
"What do you want me to stop avoiding? The Apocalypse?" asked Dean, his voice rising. "Because that's pretty hard to ignore even if I tried."
"Stop avoiding your feelings for Cas!" shouted Sam exasperated.
Whatever possible comeback that Dean had thought was lost, he hadn't expected such a frontal approach from his brother. Dumbstruck, his mouth gaped unable to find words to say.
"For God's sake, Dean! Don't loot at me like that, it's so obvious that it's exasperating. I can't stand it anymore!" said Sam.
"And what would you have me do?" asked Dean. His voice no longer harsh but low and sad. "What do you want me to do? Go on and confess my undying love to him? Just so he can reject me again? No, I don't think so."
Sam was about to answer him when the totality of Dean's words reached his brain. He stared at Dean for a while and then pried into.
"Again?"
Dean cursed himself for his slip, but considering that the cat was already out of the bag, he may as well say it all. "That- that time in the vampire nest," he begun telling. "We- we almost kissed," he said blushing. "And he pushed me away," he finished dryly.
Sam remained in silence for a moment, until his brain did the math.
"Wait, that was the first case since you've got out of the hospital, right? Dean, don't you get it?" he asked holding his hands in the air, "You should have seen Cas when we brought you to the hospital. He was broken, Dean. And- and- he blamed himself and... For God's sake, Dean, he loves you!"
Unshed tears shone on Dean's green eyes. "It doesn't matter," he said with a raspy voice. "He deserves better."
"Dean, don't..." begged Sam faintly shaking his head, not wanting to see his brother sinking further into his self-hatred.
"Call Cas, tell him that dinner will be ready in five," ordered Dean giving his back to his brother while he flipped over the burgers on the frying pan.
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They ate in silence, save for the usual praise to Dean's cooking. When the hamburgers were done, Dean took the dishes and started washing them. He liked doing it because it always gave him time to think. Sam's words kept resounding in his mind, threatening to tear down the walls he had so carefully built.
He went back into his memory and revised his whole history with Cas. The sacrifices, the looks, the words, everything until it reached a point where it was undeniable. Cas loved him, and that was the truth.
"But he keeps leaving," said a voice in his mind that was remarkably similar to John's.
"But he keeps coming back," thought Dean with his own voice. "And he stayed."
He remembered what it had felt like to have Cas dying in his arms. What had felt like to lose every single possibility for a future with him. Everything gone, nothing left. No more Cas. He thought about the chance of losing him again, how it would be like to be with him and then lose him, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to bear it. But then, he wouldn't be able to bear it if he lose him even without ever getting together. Something cracked then inside Dean. He no longer cared if he was unworthy of Cas. He needed a closure for better or for worse. He wanted for once to be selfish for selfish reasons. He dried his hands with a towel, took a deep breath and he walked towards Cas' room.
"Cas, you awake?" he asked standing at the door, a sudden nervousness taking over him.
"Yes, Dean," answered Cas slightly opening the door of his room.
"Cas I- I need to speak with you," reformulated the hunter.
Cas fully opened his door and stepped aside to let Dean in. "What is it?" he asked.
The impulse that his epiphany-slash-resolution had given him, had wore off quickly, and he begun to stutter. "Look, Cas, I- I- I've noticed some stuff- And I- wanted to ask- no, know if..." Dean sighed and got absorbed once more by those deep blue eyes, and in them, where he could get glimpse of who Cas actually was beyond Jimmy's body, he found his resolution again. "I need to know where are we standing. Because I-" the hunter stared a few seconds at the floor before raising his eyes with all his emotions in the open. "I can't hide it anymore."
"Dean..." said Cas, that single word carrying more meaning than a thousand words could.
"No," Dean warned him, "I know that tone. It's the tone you use before you say some crap to me and then zap away six ways from Sunday. You can't fly anymore, but you still aren't going to hide from me this time, not anymore," he paused and softened his tone, though it was still demanding. "Where are we?"
"In the Bunker," was Cas first answer, but Dean's stare told him that he couldn't play clueless. "Dean, I-" pain leaked trough Cas' voice.
"Talk to me, Cas."
"I can't do this," said the ex-angel retreating.
"Why?" implored Dean, taking a step closer towards the fallen angel.
"I don't-" stuttered Cas stepping back until his back hit with a thump the wall, his eyes were wide and scared, as if Dean was taking him once more to lose his virginity with a whore.
"Did I imagined this?" cried Dean mere inches apart from the other's man face. He took Cas by the shirt, that disgusting gray hippie-shirt, and let his other hand rest on the wall. "Was it all a lie? Was it-?" unable to continue, he took away his gaze from Cas blue eyes and drop it to his lips.
"No, Dean, I-"
"Dammit, Cas!" he needed answers, and he needed them yesterday. He couldn't stand anymore this swaying between yes and no. He needed for once in his life a straight answer. So he demanded it in the one way that it occurred to him that he would get one. He drove his head forward and kissed Cas hard on the lips. The former angel wanted to say something, but whatever it was lost even to him because as soon as he opened his mouth, Dean took the opportunity to insert his tongue and kissed him with the passion of five years of holding back.
Cas remained unresponsive for a few seconds, but then it was to much for him. He drew his arms around Dean and kissed him back hard. All the love that they held each other was out there in the dance of their tongues, on the frantic touch of their hands pressing them hard together, trying to fuse them into one. It was clear then to Dean, and then it was clear to Cas too. When what they were doing truly sank in, he panicked.
He shoved Dean back, pushing him with his two hands in his chest.
"No, I can't," he exclaimed.
"Why?!" shouted Dean, the too familiar sting of rejection once more aching in his heart.
"Because I don't deserve you!" Cas yelled back.
The confession hanged in the air for a few seconds before it broke down.
"You- you stupid dumbass," said Dean pushing Cas back against the wall. "I am the one who doesn't deserve you."
"Dean..."
"But you know what? I've grown tired of the whole crap of who deserves what. This time I just want to take," he paused. "You with me?"
Castiel looked at the green eyes of the man in front of him. He saw the need, the want and the love. And he found himself unable to deny himself anymore. This time was Cas who drew in for a kiss first.
Dean couldn't help but to moan when their tongues came into contact again. The kiss tasting differently now that Cas had been the one to initiate it, more enthralling. This time the hunter held the sides of Cas' head, burying his fingers in the dark hair, while the fallen angel held him close with a hand on his neck and the other one on his back.
"Cas..." breathed Dean when they parted, pressing their foreheads together.
"Dean," Cas said back and then moaned loudly when the hunter begun kissing his neck.
Dean then trailed downwards, tugging at the shirt to access Cas' collarbones without separating his lips from the angel's skin. Growing impatient, he took a step back and took out the gray shirt. Before it had landed on the floor, he had shoved Cas back against the wall and was kissing his chest passionately.
Cas moaned and trembled under his ministrations. It was only when the tugging of his own shirt became too insistent, that he moved back to Cas' mouth and helped him removing his shirt. With their naked chest, they pressed together and moaned in unison when their clothed erections rubbed together.
"Cas... bed... now," Dean whispered lustfully. There were actually to many things that he wanted to say. But the thoughts rushed together in his mind and the words came to him in dibs and drabs, so his speech was reduced to a Tarzan-style.
"Yes," moaned Cas, figuring out where this was heading to, and eager to get there.
Kissing all the time, they moved together towards the bed. Dean guiding Cas' movements until the bed hit the back of the ex-angel's legs and they both fell with a dry huff. Dean laughed and Cas smiled back one of his barely-there smirks, however the remaining smile in the hunter's lips turned into a groan when the fallen angel pushed up his hips against his.
So it was back on, and so was Dean's mouth on Cas. The kisses now less coordinated while they climbed better onto the bed. Cas' hands roamed all over the upper part of Dean's body, and when they found the hunter's nipples, Dean had to stop kissing the ex-angel and buried his head between the other's neck and shoulder while he grunted in pleasure.
"Cas..." panted Dean, surrounded by the warmth of Cas' body already, even when their pants were still on. Cas would have said something back, but his mouth was already busy sucking a hickey behind Dean's ear, the sound of the human's uneven breathing encouraging him on.
When he was able to overcome the assault on his senses, Dean put a hand over Cas' groin and started massaging the bulge there. He rejoiced in the startled gasp that the ex-angel emitted that had fast transformed into a moaning and panting. Sending subtlety over the board, Dean quickly removed Cas' shoes and pants and fondled with Cas' cock with just the thin fabric of his boxers as barrier. The former angel was moaning so loudly that he was on the verge of screaming. With trembling hands he fought against Dean's belt in an attempt to remove the pants. But he was too lost between the waves of please and the lust to do it right.
Finally, Dean took pity on him.
"Wait. Here," he said removing himself from over Cas' body and dealing with his own shoes and pants. When came the turn to take out his underwear he started feeling self-conscious, but Cas put his hand over his and, with their eyes locked into each other they removed it together. Cas then, stared in awe at Dean's cock and took it in his hand softly. Dean hissed at the first contact. When Cas attempted to remove his hand, he shook his head.
"No," he breathed. "Go on, please," his voice was slow, barely above a whisper.
So Cas stared moving his hand. His strokes were doubtful at first, but Dean's pleading moans increasing in frequency and the words of encouragement kept pushing him forward, his grip became tighter and his movements faster. When he brushed with his thumb the head of the hunter's cock, he made Dean actually whimper. He whispered against the other man's ear.
"You look beautiful like this, Dean," Cas said with his blunt honesty. Dean taken by surprise had to react fast and grip the base of his cock to not come right there.
"Wait," murmured Dean with a broken voice.
He debated for a second if to remove Cas' underwear completely or if to just handle the waistband down and take Cas' cock right there. Deciding that this was the fallen angel's first time and that he had to do it properly, he took his time and finished undressing Cas, throwing away the last garment to the floor.
Cas cock stood proudly against his stomach, and Dean licked his lips imagining it in his mouth. Yet, he was too far gone, he wouldn't last long, so he decided that if he was going to give head for the first time, he had to do it with his head more into the game. It would be next time. Next time. Dean shuddered, the fact that now he and Cas would be a thing now filled his heart with a hope he didn't want to consider.
He then kissed Cas once more, the dragging of lips and tongue too sweet, too dangerous. So he drew apart and pressed their foreheads together and locked their eyes in a profound stare. Without missing a bit from Cas' expressions, he took Cas' cock in his hand. The fallen angel's face contorted in pleasure and his fingernails scrapped the flesh of Dean's shoulders.
And Dean loved it.
With determination, he put everything he ever loved and enjoyed from a handjob in the work that he was doing to Cas. He relished on the broken sound of his name falling from Cas' lips over and over again. He sucked and scrapped with his teeth the skin of Cas' neck. Until he couldn't take it anymore and it wasn't enough. He put his and Cas' cock together, created a passage with his hand and trusted into it.
"Dean!" shouted Cas digging his nails in Dean's arms hard enough to draw out a few drops of blood.
But it didn't matter to Dean, who grasped out "Cas!" right before the other man grabbed his head and dragged him down for a bruising kiss.
Soon, Dean had found a rhythm and no long after, Cas realized that he could move too and started thrusting up against Dean's cock. The room filled with moans and groans, and the sound of two labored breaths.
"Yeah, just like that," exclaimed Dean at an specially hard thrust from Cas.
"Dean, I- I-" cried Cas feeling like the pleasure running in his veins was going to make him explode.
"Shh, I got you. I got you, babe," whispered the hunter against the fallen angel's ear.
"Dean," whimpered Cas like he was lost and scared in a cascade of sensations.
"It's okay," said Dean staring in the blue eyes that were black from lust. "I got you," he repeated because he wasn't ready to say the other word. "I got you."
However, Cas got the true meaning behind those words, and that love that he felt coming from that precious soul that he had rescued from Hell all those years ago was enough for him. "Dean!" he shouted while his world exploded into waves of pleasure and his world faded to only lust-blown green eyes and freckled skin.
For Dean what made it wasn't the feeling of Cas' come dripping out through his fingers, but the blissed out expression in his lover's face and knowing that he had made that. That he had brought an angel of the Lord, a warrior of Heaven, his best friend, Cas, to this.
"Castiel," he cried expelling his release between their stomachs.
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The first thing he felt when coming down from his high was the raising and falling of Cas' chest underneath him. Then he noticed Cas' hand drawing soft lines on his back. He started to raise so his full weight didn't crash Cas but the other man held him down. So he complied, resting his body over Cas' and kissed his shoulder.
"That was..." begun saying the fallen angel but he could find no way in any existing language that could explain what had experience.
"Awesome," finished Dean for him hiding his head in the crook of his lover's neck.
"Yes, it was," agreed Cas smiling for the over-simplicity of his beloved.
They remained in silence, just feeling each other's breaths. Dean caressed with his thumb the side of Cas' arms, concentrating on the sound of his heartbeat. He would have remained like that longer if it hadn't been that he felt their come drying between their bodies.
"Not that I don't love cuddling, man, but this is starting to get gross," he said reaching to the floor and grabbing the first cloth that he could find. He felt no small satisfaction when he discovered that it was Cas' ugly shirt. He cleaned them and toss it back to the floor. He then climbed under the sheets of the right side of the bed.
Now that the passion had wore off, Cas had reverted to his old stiff-in-the-butt self, like he didn't know how to share the bed. Though Dean was feeling a bit awkward himself now, he was having none of that. Lying on his side, he took Cas left hand and took it to his chest.
"Good night, Cas," he said holding the fallen angel's arm close.
"Goodnight, Dean," and although unusual, the contact was enough for Cas, who relaxed and soon was falling asleep.
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Awareness came slowly to Cas. Even after almost five months, waking up was still a confusing process. The first thing he noticed was that he was lying down on the bed, the pillow was soft against his cheek and that he had had the best night of sleep ever. When he opened his eyes, he saw green ones looking at him. A soft smile curved his lips.
"Hey," said Dean, smiling at him.
"Hello, Dean," he answered with a low sleepy-voice. "I thought that staring at someone while they slept was considered 'creepy'"
"And now you take note of that?" answered Dean amused. "Oh, how the tables have turned!" he mocked him, but then a blush crept into his face. "Well, it's not creepy, if they- if they both are..."
"A couple?" offered Cas as end of the sentence.
"Yeah..." said Dean getting lost in the blue eyes of his... lover? Partner? Boyfriend?
They stared at each other for a while till Dean broke the silence.
"You snore," he said.
"I do not snore," complained Cas.
"Yeah, you do," laughed Dean grabbing the other by the hips and dragging him closer.
They both remained in silence again, just staring at each other. It was like no matter what, they always ended up in the same place. Falling in love with each other over and over again with just a look.
With slow movements, Cas grabbed the back of Dean's neck and closed in the remaining distance between their mouths. The kiss was slow, their tongues caressing each other. In a way, it was more intimate that everything they had done the night before. When Dean moaned, the sound dragged out. After a while, Cas was half lying over Dean.
When they separated, there was a silent agreement to go on to where this was headed to. Cas' hands roamed lightly along his arms, because this time it wasn't about lust like last night, this was about a whole different thing. This was about love and intimacy. And it scared Dean, it was too soon, it was too much and he wasn't ready.
"Dean," whispered Cas, "I love you."
"Cas..." complained Dean.
He was at war inside him. A part of him wanted to rejoice on it all. The other part, the part that was now screaming inside him, wanted to run away from it. However, when his eyes locked with Cas', and he saw all the love and awe in them, he realized that if there was someone who he could share this level of intimacy and trust, it was Cas.
"Yes," he said and Cas understood.
Cas kissed Dean once more, their tongues pressing softly against one another. The former angel then moved to the hunter's jaw, and then to his collarbone, his chest and then he finally enclosed his lips over the left nipple, the one over his Righteous Man's heart. He sucked, while caressing the other nipple, until it was into full hardness. Dean was moaning and whimpering constantly, but he was beyond the point of caring. Specially, when Cas begun kissing his stomach and continued going downwards. Was Cas... was Cas going to really do it?
Dean was panting hard by then, until he gasped sharply when he felt the first sweep of Cas' tongue over the head of his cock and then his lips wrapping over it. Yep, Cas was really doing it.
"Cas!" shouted Dean, his voice breaking into a whimper when the fallen angel begun going up and down along his shaft.
He was inexperienced and the technique was sloppy, but this was the best blowjob he had ever received in his entire life. Because this was Cas. Cas going down on him. Cas with his lips around him. Cas with his blue eyes never breaking down the staring. Cas, Cas, Cas...
Dean clutched to the sheet on his sides. He was barely able to look down, with the threat of coming right there hanging over him.
The wave of pleasure that he was riding through was broken when he suddenly felt Cas' finger touching his entrance. For a second, memories of Hell came back to him. Memories of what was done to him there, how he had been tortured and humiliated in every way possible, and for a brief second, he panicked. But then he opened his eyes and looked at the eyes of the being who had rescued him from Hell. And yes, he could do this. He could do it for Cas. He could do it with Cas.
"Wait!" he exclaimed, and Cas who had continued blowing him and caressing the outside of his entrance stopped all at once. "Lube. We need lube."
"I don't have anything resembling that," grimaced Cas.
"I do," said Dean. He had it from the times when he still did one-stands, in case the girl agreed to do anal. He hoped that it hadn't expired. Did lube even had an expiration date?
With a mix of dread -he didn't want to get away from Cas- and excitement -he very much wanted to go on with the next part, specially if it continued involving Cas' mouth-, he got up from the bed. He searched between the clothed on the floor for his jeans and he put them on just like that. He ran through the hallway, and got into his room as fast as he could, closing the door behind him. He didn't want for Sam to run into him wearing just jeans. He was sporting a big tent in them and his exposed chest was covered in hickeys.
When he was opening the zipper of his bag to grab the lube, he paused. Was he really going to do this? Was he really going to have full-on gay-sex with Cas? One thing was what they've done so far, and another one was being on the receiving end of... Well, having a dick inside of your ass was probably as gay as you could get. So, was he really crossing that line?
Dean hesitated, holding the lube in his hand. He thought of Cas and those blue eyes that showed them the true nature of the angel. He still didn't dare say the L word, not even to himself, but he knew it to be true.
The sensation of how Cas' dick would feel inside of him came to his mind, and he moaned. Yeah, he wanted that. His erection that had begun to flatten regained its full hardness.
The hunter looked at the condoms inside his bag, but he didn't grab any. He hadn't slept with anyone since Cas' last healed him and he knew that he was Cas' first, so they were both clean. Besides considering that they already had oral sex, it was a little late for thinking about protection now. And anyway, he thought blushing, if he was really doing this then he wanted to feel all of Cas.
God, he was really turning so gay.
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He had barely had time to close the door of Cas' room before the ex-angel had him pressed against it.
"You took to long," said Cas and then his mouth was over Dean's.
Dean was expecting a harsh, passionate kiss, traced with desperation and a fast-burning lust. Instead the kiss, though still passionate, was slow and deep, and the lust, instead of all-consuming, melted everything away till all Dean was left with was an aching need that threatened to drown him. He moaned loudly.
"Cas," he whispered and he let himself be guided to the bed, where Cas accompanied his fall.
The ex-angel took away Dean's jeans, gave a few strokes to his hard cock and massaged his balls, all while kissing his jaw, before moving to his perineum. Dean hissed and Cas calmed him right before he moved a finger to caress Dean's entrance.
In a moment that was lost to Dean, Cas had taken the lube and spread it through his fingers, so when the digit finally pushed and came in, it was slick. Dean gasped and his body made a strange involuntary movement, trying to get away and closer to the finger inside his most intimate part.
"Dean," Cas called him.
His eyes were wide, and the blue from his irises was almost entirely gone, like he couldn't believe that he was doing this with Dean, to Dean.
"Go... go on," instructed the hunter with his voice turned into a broken moan. He emphasized his point with a roll of his hips.
The sound that escaped straight from Cas' chest was something akin to a growl, warning and possessive. He then begun moving his finger, in and out, the pace was slow but ruthless. And soon Dean was writhing and begging for more. When Cas added the second finger he was gentler and the rhythm had fallen into this sweet search for the spot that would made Dean see stars. And when he found it, oh, when he found it. Dean shouted his angel name, his back arched on the bed, his hips moved down and his hands flew to hold of Cas' arms.
"There...! There...!" he moaned and he definitely did not beg.
With his breaths coming in fast, sharp gasps, Cas kept moving his fingers, hitting Dean's prostate over and over again. Until the hunter felt that he was coming close, that this was going to be over and it had barely begun for God's sake!
"Cas, now!" he demanded. "Do it now! For the love of God, just do it now!"
"You're not fully prepared yet," the tremble in the fallen angel's voice contradicting the well-constructed structure of his sentence.
"Cas, please!" ordered Dean, or that he would have liked to believe, because if he was truly honest with himself, he was just begging... just begging.
Being the ever-stubborn mule that he was, Cas still added a third finger. Yet he worked them quickly, stretching him and working him open until he was satisfied with it. Or until he couldn't resist it anymore. He grabbed the lube once more and poured some on his cock, hissing when the cold substance made contact with his heated flesh. He pressed the head of his cock against Dean's entrance and he paused to stare at the green eyes.
The trust and love which with Dean was staring back at him was enough to melt Cas' heart. The fact that such a Righteous Man as Dean Winchester was trusting him and loving him so much, and confiding in him with such an act -that Cas knew well enough what its true ramifications were- was extraordinary. When he fell, the one thing that he had regretted more was not being able to look upon Dean's bright soul anymore. But in that moment, in that precise moment, he could swear that he could see it again in those beautiful green eyes.
If he could sing, like they used to in Heaven. He would sing an Hallelujah. A high, fevered, cold and broken Hallelujah.
Slowly, he pushed into Dean.
For a moment, the pressure seemed too much. As if Cas' cock couldn't make it into Dean's body, and the hunter was about to tell Cas to stop, that he'd been wrong and that he wasn't near ready. But before the words could get out of his throat, he felt Cas' balls pressing against his rear and that was it.
He opened his eyes that he hadn't noticed that he had closed, and saw Cas' eyes fogged with lust, his brow knitted together in concentration, holding back. The whole image was just so Cas that Dean's heart melted and he brought down the man's head to kiss him deeply, while he willed his muscles to relax.
When he had adjusted to the presence of Cas' dick inside him, he whispered into the fallen angel's ear.
"Move," he asked, and Cas whimpered but complied.
Ever so slowly, he drew out until only the head was inside. He then bottomed out at the same maddening pace. Dean moaned, the friction in the most intimate part of his being bringing pleasure that he had never known before. This was Cas, Cas inside him, Cas moving at a slow but secure -damn too secure for a guy topping for the first time- rhythm. Cas' dick in his ass. Cas' chest against him. Cas. Cas.
"Cas, Cas," he was saying out load, in whispers that dragged out as long as Cas' strokes.
"Dean," Cas' voice was wrecked. "You're so perfect."
"No, Cas..." complained the hunter, this was still getting into far more dangerous territory that he was willing to go for the first time. This was the land of feelings and confessions and words that he was not ready to say out load. And that brief determination had dissolved between his insecurities.
But Cas didn't reply, instead he kissed Dean, and made him feel like a fool. Because the L word was already there, and this had passed the point of no return long ago. So he could only surrender to the sensations overwhelming. And for once in his life, just enjoy things. So he did so with a loud moan, when the kiss finally broke.
Cas kept moving, driving on instincts and feelings alone. He needed to pour out all that he felt for the beautiful man under him. And he did so with soft touches into Dean's hair, with the sweet drag of his lips, with small kisses along Dean's face and searching like a drowning man for water those green eyes.
When their stares locked together, it was too much and he couldn't resist it.
"I love you, Dean," he breathed. "I love you," and his voice came out like a sob.
"Cas!" groaned the hunter, arching his back to press harder against the other man's body.
The former angel drew an arm around Dean's waist to hold him in place and although he barely fastened the pace, the strokes were firmer. The new angle allowed Cas to hit Dean's prostate in almost every thrust.
Dean was seeing stars and felt like his limbs were made of melting butter, having to hold harder to Cas, like his life depending on it. He felt so full, so complete, so overwhelmed. The sweet friction of Cas' cock inside him was flooding him with wave after wave of pleasure. And every time that the angel in his arms hit that spot inside him, he feared that he would get drown in the feelings of ultimate bliss. The muscles in his ass clenched to Cas' cock like it was a lifesaver. He was crying and moaning, even screaming, like a cheap porn-star, but he didn't care in the slightest. All he cared about was the cock in his ass and the whimpering figure in his arms.
For Cas, this had gotten beyond the point of just plain overwhelming a long time ago. He was lost, completely lost, in the feeling of the tight passage that he was thrusting into, in the sounds that emitted the man underneath him and in the feelings that kept flooding his heart. He had only came once in his life, so he wasn't very familiar with the sensations but if it he was right then he was getting truly close.
"Dean, I- I-" but he could barely speak.
"No, Cas! Wait, wait!" the hunter didn't want it to be over, he was loving every second of it, and he wanted it to go on forever.
"I c-can't!" cried Cas, grasping Dean even closer to his body. His eyes closed in pleasure.
It was getting to much for him, after all this was barely his second rodeo. His hips had lost any traces of a rhythm and were pounding erratically into Dean's ass. His senses were quickly being repleted and suddenly, everything exploded into white. And with a loud shout of "Dean!" he came, his cock spilling white inside of Dean's passage.
Dean had felt like it wasn't going to be enough. Even with the added help of the friction of their stomachs on his cock, he had felt that his orgasm was still not near. That's why when he felt Cas coming and shouting his name, his climax had taken him by surprise. He cried out Cas' name as he came and he went completely oblivious of the way that the word had turned into something resembling a sob.
He came back to his senses with his eyes on the ceiling and hugging Cas' body close to him. He was still floating in the after-waves of his orgasm, when he had the most terrifying thought of his life. It was a realization that filled him with fear and insecurities. Before he could help it, his chest was moving up and down in aborted movements, and he was crying.
Worried, Cas removed his head from the crook of Dean's neck and asked. "Dean, what's wrong?" but the hunter couldn't answer while he continued crying. "Dean, what's wrong? Talk to me, please," the fallen angel's voice was laced with concern.
As Dean seemed incapable of speaking, Cas decided to comfort him as well as he could until such time came that the man was ready to talk. So he covered the hunter's face with soft kisses, all along the tallest man's forehead and eyes and lips. However, those comforting touches were not helping Dean, and if anything they were making Dean cry harder.
Right now, Dean wasn't anymore the most feared hunter in the world. He was as a small child who needed his mother's hugs to send away the night terrors. Because Dean was scared and terrified, and he needed someone to tell him that it was going to be alright, and most importantly, he needed to believe it.
"Dean, please, talk to me. Please," begged Cas, caressing the hunter's cheeks, getting scared, "What's wrong?" he repeated.
"I'm- I'm happy," Dean managed to say.
"I don't understand," replied Cas.
Dean chuckled between the sobs when he saw the dark haired man tilt his head.
"Don't you get it?" he cried. "I don't get to be happy," he explained. "I'm going to break you and lose you and I-"
How could he explain to this ex-angel of the Lord that this was the happiest he had ever been in his life. How could he explain that everything he had ever had with Cassie or Lisa paled completely in comparison with this. That with Cas everything in his God forsaken life made sense, that all the broken pieces fit and that every moment of suffering was now worthy.
"I can't-" the sobs wouldn't let him continue. "And I'm going to- But I can't- I won't resist it."
Cas understood it then.
"I won't leave you," he said.
"Don't you get it?" asked Dean in a hysteric sob. "The Winchester don't get to have happy endings! That isn't us! It isn't me! I'm going to lose you in some horrible way and I just can't lose you!"
"Dean," complained Cas, the single word trying to bring some sense into Dean. "Everything I've tried to do in my life lately has ended in disaster. I can't promise you that the future won't bring us dire things. And until last night I had deemed myself unworthy of any shreds of happiness. But now," he paused and put every ounce of love into his eyes, "I've regained hope, and though I've long since accepted that my Father has abandoned us and doesn't care for us, I do believe in miracles, I believe in you, in us. And I'm asking you, Dean, to believe in this with me. Will you?"
The hunter stared at Cas, and slowly, very slowly, with tears still shining in his eyes, he nodded.
.
A couple of hours later, they had rested enough from that sex-marathon. Although, it had been more than just sex, it had been an emotional draining that had rendered both men exhausted. They had dozed off clinging to each other, both needing the emotional security. They would have remained longer in bed if it wasn't that Cas' stomach had started to grumble.
Kissing each other senseless every few minutes just because they could, they took a shower that took longer than it should. And if they didn't go in for a round three, it was because Dean's stomach reminded them that they needed food to continue. Laughing -well, Cas just smiled, but it was big enough to be considered a laugh for him-, they dressed with the same clothes that they had the night before. Save that Cas had to take a new shirt from his cupboard.
They were having breakfast in the kitchen, when Sam came in to grab a snack -it was almost midday after all-. If the noises from last night and this morning hadn't been enough, he had to just look at his brother and his friend to know what had happened. Their necks, both sported hickeys and they had this sort of dopey-smile and relaxed muscles that spoke of good sex.
So Sam had two choices. He could either be a good brother and acknowledge the change in Dean and Cas' relationship respectfully and with maturity or he could be a good brother and mock Dean senseless. He pondered the two options for less than a second. The opportunity was too good to let it pass.
"So, Dean," he said, "did you fight with an over-affectionate octopus last night?"
"Sammy?"
"Yes, Dean?"
"Shut up."
A few states away, a hellhound was being killed and his black blood was spilled.
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A/N: Okay, I had the majority of this episode planned since August last year, that means that I had the chapter in my mind for like 8 months, more specifically, the sex scenes.
Now, you may think "How, you promised me an angsty end!verse-like fics. What is this happiness?". So I shall say. To break something, it has to be whole first, right? *evil smile*
Now, really, I hope you enjoyed and that you forgive me how much it took me to update. And yes, the happiness won't last long as you may have guessed by the plot poking his head in this chapter. I also hope, that you think it was done right. I went through many headaches trying to figure act the right behaviour for each action and reaction. Staying in character is the thing that I tried to do most. That's why like 8-months of planning and like 3 months to write this chapter. Really, having emotional constipated characters is a pain in the ass. A huge pain in the ass.
As I see it the only way this could happen is because of season 8. I mean, in a full end!verse something like this would have never happened, and my guess is that it did not. However, taking into account the huge character development of Dean in season 8, I think that there was space enough in that development for this to happen.
Now, for those who may have caught the mention of the title of the fic in the chapter. Well, there you have why this fic is here. It all started with this. "Cas has fallen, can't look at souls anymore. Ergo, he can't see Dean's soul anymore, he gets sad. They get together, they have sex, Cas can see Dean's soul in his eyes. The end." And then there was a whole plot and this monster arised.
Now, if this fic, stays like this (do not consider this chapter like the rule) then it's going to end up being a 68k fic, and OMG I've never wrote so much.
Anyway, hope that you can forgive me, I'll bring next chapter as soon as I can, and I SWEAR that it won't take another three months. I SWEAR ON DESTIEL BECOMING CANON!
