Happy Heero, Monotone Duo
Chapter Nine

Duo

Shit. Another divine word used to describe a multitude of things. For instance, 'what is this shit?' meaning bad things; or 'that dude just stepped in shit', which would be the literal term. But my favorite is 'oh shit'…. which basically means bad shit is going down. Catch my drift here? Good, then language lesson 2 is complete. Don't forget I may quiz you.

But aside from my opening ploy to amuse you, this was turning out to be the worst day of my life and it was only noon. Yes, damn it, I said noon. First I wake up in Hee-chan's body, my body (of which he's in) decides to have a bad day and collapses, then Mr. hot, blonde, and delicious shows up to see how I—as in Duo Maxwell—is doing. And the unfairness of it all is that Hee-chan was in my body!

It's not fair. I'd gotten to know Mr. Merquise quite a bit while we were taken prisoners and locked in a room no bigger than a bathroom stall. No, I'm not exaggerating. I shit you not, that's how big the room was. It took us a while before we figured out a way that we could both sit down. After spending eighteen hours standing of course. He was quite the gentleman! Although I think it scared our captors in the slightest when they walked in and I was snoozing in the man's lap. I was tired! So sue me!

He slipped off by the door and ripped my eyes away from Zechs to watch Hee-er-'Duo' retake his place on the couch. Wufei stood next to me, the sly little bastard that he is. Of course, of all people he had the best chance of figuring out. I mean he pays more attention to our behavior than everyone gives him credit for. Even more than Quatre, who's usually crying about something or other. No offense Quatre, babe, but…world famine in the 1700's was not your fault…not matter how much you would like to believe that it was and cry over just in case.

And Trowa? I'm not sure if he's even human. He talks less, shows emotion less, and threatens to kill people less than even Heero! Though I'm sure he's better at petting lions and doing that neat yoga crap they do at circuses…Wait you mean that's not yoga? Then what do you call it? Oh yeah! Acrobatics! My bad.

"Sooo…Anyone gonna say anything or do I have to start?" 'Duo' said like perfect.

"I believe, if I'm correct and hardly am I ever wrong, you just did start by asking who was going to start." I corrected him, knowing that he would say something like that only because he's said that to me once before; being the unintentional smart ass that he can be.

"Thank you Mr. Smart ass. Your sarcasm is about as appealing as mixing Cocaine with Nyquil." He rolled his eyes. Now that was certainly the interesting come back! Hee-chan may have a chance yet, to regain the humanity he's never had!

"Hmm…It's has interesting effects actually." Every stopped to look at Wufei. "So I heard anyways."

"Really now Fei!"

"It was a joke, damn you. Laugh." Fei snarled. Heh, I know I've rubbed off on him when he goes and says something like that! I heard Hee-chan say it a few times too! I'm such an influence on these people! I rock! Oh yes I do! Now all I have to do is make Trowa blink and I'll have completely turned everyone human! Wootah! Oh and I need to make Quatre stop crying. Once I've achieved that then I officially go from being a level 70 Paladin to a level 100 God. Yeah making Q-bean quit crying is major experience points right there. Yes, I have been digging through 21st century video games again. Because seriously, I wouldn't play our latest: "Final Fantasy; the final version, no I'm not kidding this time, I freaking swear, XXXIX", I'm not lying when I say there's still a guy named Cid in that game.

But all of that jazz aside—hah, I sound so American—at least everyone was lightening up. It only took a wise crack about Cocaine and Nyquil. Yeah, easy crowd we are. Yep, uh huh…okay hurry up and leave so we can get our peace pipes out…get it? Peace? I'm just kidding people; please don't tell your parents… Actually I'm proud to say I'm drug-free! Haha! And I'll die before every drug addict alive, knowing my luck.

Being quiet was getting horribly boring. And poor Hee-chan must have been ready to simply combust, what with having to be all happy and stuff. Though it was giving me small heart attacks that he could play my part so well. I never thought I was that predictable, or that he, gasp, actually paid attention to me. Though that last bit made me feel a little better. Seeing that picture in his room and the knowledge that he possibly noticed that I existed was a good sign that maybe he didn't hate me as much as he put off.

I almost contemplated leaving, but I knew Heero would not have that. He would have hunted me down and shot me several times if I left him to the wrath of Zechs and company. So what was I supposed to do? For god's sake this was flippin torture.

I cleared my throat as I finally formulated a rather plausible plan. You see since my accident—going so many stories only to break my legs on a heft layer of ice (hurt like a horrid bitch indeed)—I began my recovery, which included leg conditioning. Yes indeed, for once my (ever so painful) accident had come in handy; thank you god, you may hate me most of the time but I know there's at least a tiny bit of love hidden underneath all that loathing I'm sure you feel for me. (No I do not have low self-esteem). Oh and the best part of it is, it's always Wufei and Heero who put up with me. Sometimes Trowa does and Quatre too, but usually they're making attempts to fix food and clean my hell hole of a room up to living standards…I swear they care too much about me.

"Duo." I spoke shortly and pointed to the clock once his eyes hell on me. Or would it be more appropriate to say once 'my' eyes fell on 'me'? Oh…that's too confusing…I think he got the hint pretty easy though. Hee-chan always is on the same thought process level as I am. Or, more than not, on the level just above mine where the smart and mature people hang out.

"Oh right, conditioning." Judging by the tone he used, it was easy to assume he knew I hated conditioning; because they were like slave drivers and usually made me want to die right there before we were even half done. They're half the reason I've healed so damn fast, and my inhuman chemical treatment was partially responsible.

"You haven't done that yet today have you?" Wufei added, knowing it would give him more of a chance to wheedle more info out of us. Damn Fei is conniving. I always knew there was a little bastard somewhere in there. Wait…that doesn't make sense…Fei-baby was always more dominantly 'bastard'…okay, never mind then.

"But we have company!" He cried and of course if I played the 'Heero Yuy' part the right way, we would run off with him in our care no matter what he said.

"Don't let me stop you. Your recovery is most important." Zechs smiled at the 'Duo' before me; and I saw a slight twitch on that face, as if Heero—underneath my skin—did not approve of the man's friendliness.

"Stop having your conniption fit and lets go." I said sternly.

"Fine…" He sighed, dropping his shoulders as he slid out of his seat and walked slowly over to Wu-man and I.

"If it weren't creepy as hell, I would kiss you right now for saving me like that. Tell anyone I said that and you can kiss your braid goodbye." He whispered so that only I and possibly Wu-man could hear.

"You seriously need to get out of my body…I think it may be indulging you to a sense of humor." I replied with a faint grin.

"Yes, and it's giving you a true taste of actual brain activity."

I growled. "Let's go, baka," I retorted yanking on what was essentially My braid. Actually, in truth I thought Hee-chan's comeback was gold. If only I'd thought of it.

"Ow, shit head, you're hurting my legs!"

"Correction, my legs, and you're really getting up there with your vocabulary, Hee-chan! I think I'm proud of you!"

"Just shut up and don't talk to me, ever again." He replied going back to the ice block mode.

You really do get a taste of what another person's life is like what you're put in their place. I think I was beginning to understand Hee-chan, at least maybe a little. He liked being quiet, I think, because he preferred to watch. As I was watching them converse in the living room I realized so much about my surroundings. Like I never realized how Wufei always smirked when he knew he was about to say something that was totally out of character. Or that he even spoke out of character. Being the silent listener really humbled me from always being the loud outspoken one. I guess…Hell, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore…

"So…What now? Oh wise one?" Wufei looked toward me.

"I haven't gotten that far." I replied honestly. Because remember kids, I may run and I may hide, but I never tell a lie!

"Well perhaps we should at least make it look like we're actually doing what we said we were going to do." Heero's always such the logical one! Tch! No Hee-chan, I wanted to light a bon fire and dance naked around it while singing to some strange foreign god! Well, no shit we're going to do what we came here for…geeze…and you know I'm grateful I didn't say that out loud.

"Hey, do you guys need anything?" Trowa popped his head in the doorway to the large gym that was in Quatre's ridiculously oversized, 'spare' house. How can you have a spare house? That's got to be like a crime somewhere! Geeze, I would have been happy to have a spare pair of shoes when I was growing up. Oh man, even a pair of shoes alone would have been a nice treat!

"Naw, I think we're fine." 'Duo' answered for us.

"All right, Quatre and I will entertain our guest for the time being." He said nothing more and left.

"You know, it's almost sickening how accurate you can play Duo's part, Heero." Wufei spoke once he was sure the taller man was gone and out of earshot.

"I know, be thankful it's not you in this situation. I think you would have already killed yourself by now, though. You and your inability to properly tolerate Duo in the slightest." Geeze Hee-chan is so mean to me, even when not talking to me.

"Du-er-Heero, do me a favor will you?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't use such large words out of his mouth, it troubles and unnerves me." He spoke completely deadpanned.

"Hey! That hurt some feelings over here!" I retorted in my own defense.

"Oh and Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't act like that. It's even more horrifying seeing an outwardly emotional Heero, than seeing you smart." Well damn…at least I wasn't the only one getting cracked on. "Let's just get started okay?"

"Fine." Hee-chan and I both spoke in unison.

After about, oh say maybe twenty minutes of carefully stretching 'my' damaged legs. And listening to Heero actually bitch for a change. I guess it's true that my body can feel more than his as he was discovering this for himself. I guess he finally understood what kinda pain I've been in.

It wasn't until a few minutes later until it happened, after we had taken a break. (You see normally Wufei would hold me up on my feet by the shoulders from behind me and Heero would do all sorts of wicked twisty shit with my legs and while it did hurt while he was doing it, I did feel better later.) Quatre came screaming in bearing news so horrible, so wretched, and terrifying that it would make us all shrink into our skin and hope to die quick and relatively painless deaths. It was so bad, I would have (in my own body of course) chopped off all of my beautiful hair in order to never hear those spoken words again.

"You guys! We have bad news! Relena's here!!"

All three of us—yes, Wufei included—recoiled in horror and at about the same time let off a screech of a word that was probably heard by everyone in that half of the earth sphere.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

To be continued…