Ch.8: If you could just forgive yourself
Next morning, and true to her word, Sigyn went to get Bucky and headed for Shuri's lab.
Sigyn knocked him unconscious, despite his protests, so they could work inside his head. It didn't take her long to realize that his lack of sleep wasn't related to the de-brainwashing process. The images she saw inside his head were terrifying.
"Night terrors…" Sigyn said, feeling a bit strained. "He's having night terrors, that's why he can't sleep." With her magic locked inside his head, she roamed between memories and made up monsters.
No, this had nothing to do with brainwashing. This was pure Bucky, trying to deal with the trauma and the fear. She saw him murder innocent people, blow up buildings, cause fake accidents. The small difference between the dreams and the memories were the slight change of color.
Memories were more monochromatic, like they were recorded in sepia. Sigyn guessed it must have been cause he wasn't doing it on his own. When those events happened, he had been violently coerced to do it.
Dreams, however, were in bright primary colors, if not exactly accurate. Blood was the brightest red, people were the brightest yellow, and Bucky saw himself as the darkest black. This was him feeling guilty, seeing all the ghosts of his past coming back to haunt him.
In his nightmares, the dead wouldn't stay dead. He would try and run, but the shadow that engulfed his body would follow him. Everywhere he looked he'd see the faces of those he had murdered. They would be wearing the bright red stains of the blood he had spilled. The other yellow faces with haunting white eyes would look at him and whisper. They knew, everyone knew, everyone could see the shadow around him. His hands were covered in blood, no matter how hard he tried to wipe them clean.
He could hear other voices, trying to convince him it was not his fault. But they would be drowned by the whispers of the dead, blaming him, pointing at him, howling at him.
Sigyn could sense the fear, the guilt, the pain. The enormous baggage of over 50 years of violence and death. It didn't matter to him that he wasn't responsible for it. He had still done those terrible things. And right now, he didn't know how to cope.
Slowly, her magic receded from his brain. Bucky woke up a few seconds after.
"I'm going to be sick." Was all he mumbled before bolting to the nearest trash can.
Sigyn knelt beside him, one hand on the back of his neck, the other on his chest. The nausea disappeared and the headache dimmed down.
"Thanks." He said hoarsely.
"Yeah. My fault. Sorry about that."
"Any luck?" He stood up slowly, but wasn't looking at her.
"I think you know the answer to that, James." She said as she helped him up.
"Bucky. My name is Bucky." He suddenly snapped. "Why don't you ever call me Bucky?"
Sigyn just looked at him, slightly thrown off, but not entirely surprised.
"I'm sorry, I-"
Bucky didn't say anything else and stormed back to his room. Shuri was about to go after him, but Sigyn stopped her. She knew they had to let him calm down on his own.
"It's not something any of us can fix." She explained.
The rest of the day, Sigyn felt really conflicted. She had to tell them the truth. But after Bucky's outburst that morning, she also feared his reaction. Specially knowing how he felt for her. It took her months to get close enough for him to trust her, and now she was going to put that trust on the balance. And not only Bucky's, but also Steve's. She reckoned Steve would take it even worse.
"I don't get why it bothers you so much." Sigyn just rolled her eyes at Loki's projection.
"You wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain it."
He glared at her. "You care for him."
"Yes, I do." She stated. "Loki, we are NOT having this discussion again."
"I wasn't going to say anything!" Loki said, Sigyn raised an eyebrow. "Sometimes I do hate that I cannot lie to you." He growled.
"They are my friends. I understand it's not a familiar concept for you right now, and I'm not asking you to trust them." Sigyn stood right in front of him. "I'm asking you to trust me."
Loki took too long to answer that, and Sigyn shook her head sadly.
"I already told you I can't fix that for you." She said.
Sigyn felt a slight tightness on her chest before Loki disappeared.
.-
Bucky had been pacing for a while in his room. After what had happened that morning, he refused to go out, even taking his lunch there. Steve tried to talk to him, but he, as usual, was shutting off everyone.
He knew why he hadn't been sleeping. He knew that he oughta say something, but didn't. Things were going so well, he refused to spoil it with something is insignificant as not being able to sleep. But maybe it wasn't so insignificant.
You have to fix you yourself. I'm just helping you through because sometimes we have to admit we can't do everything alone. She had said once. And she was right. He couldn't do this alone.
He was fresh out of the shower when his door was knocked. He assumed it was Steve again, and went for the door with a groan.
"I thought I told you to-" He stopped cold at seeing Sigyn there. "Hi." Suddenly, he felt really self conscious of wearing nothing but a towel.
"I said I'd take you out tonight." She said. "You thought I wouldn't come."
Bucky sighed heavily. "I'm sorry for what happened this morning."
With a wave of her hand, Bucky was dressed. "Is that outfit good enough or-?"
"It's fine." He mumbled.
"Stop worrying about this morning." She said, holding her hand out for him to grab it.
Wordlessly, he did. Maybe it was easier to just let her read his mind. It saved him from having to explain himself. Sigyn, of course, noticed.
They did their usual tour of burgers, milkshakes and ice cream, before going to the park.
Bucky liked being there, just watching people going about doing their stuff.
"This is a nice change from your nightmares." Sigyn said. Bucky looked at her startled. "No one is looking at you, no one is accusing you. Just normal people going about their day."
"It is." He sighed. "I wish it were real in my head too."
"It could be. But it won't be easy. Nor fast."
"You can't magic it away then?" He said with a half smile.
Sigyn smiled. "I wish."
"I'm sorry for keeping this away from you all, I know you mean to help me, but-" Sigyn just looked at him, waiting for him to continue. "Things were going so well, I just didn't wanna ruin it."
"The only way you can ruin it is by giving up, James."
Bucky was still a bit upset about the name she used, but said nothing.
"But, I cannot really be angry at you about not being honest, though." She said. "I haven't been completely honest with you either."
He looked at her seriously. "Is it about your- past?"
"Sort of." She started. "There are two reasons to why I call you James. First one it was to try and keep some distance between us. That didn't work so well." She chuckled.
Bucky rolled his eyes."And the second one?"
"It sounds too much like-" She stopped and sighed. "You're not going to like me telling you this." Sigyn took a deep breath before she kept going. "I am not just an asgardian exile. I'm an asgardian princess. By marriage."
Bucky shifted a bit. "You're married. To a prince."
Sigyn nodded. "An asgardian prince."
"And I'm guessing is not Thor." Bucky said, drumming the bench with his fingers.
"The norns forbid, no." Sigyn bit her lip and watched all the cogs fall into place inside Bucky's head.
"Oh." He said in a burst of realization. "Wait, are you talking about that guy that tried to take over the world and destroyed half of Manhattan?"
"The one and only." Sigyn said rolling her eyes.
"Why does everyone think he's dead?"
"Because he faked it." Sigyn said like it was the most normal thing in the universe. "To avoid imprisonment, execution, to get back at his father…"
"And you knew he wasn't dead?"
Sigyn paused before answering. "Yes."
"Steve said you didn't know them." Bucky's tone lowered. Sigyn didn't have to read his mind to know he was quite miffed about her revelation.
"I don't think SHIELD would've been very fond of me if I revealed my royal status. Nor who my husband is." Bucky kept quiet for a moment. Sigyn just let him digest everything.
The whole planet knew who Loki was, what he had done. But only a few knew why he had done it. And Sigyn was sure that no one, besides her (and maybe Thor), knew what Loki had gone through to get to that point.
"How does it feel to be married to a mass murderer?" Bucky said viciously.
Sigyn chuckled dryly. "Maybe I shouldn't have told you."
Bucky stopped the drumming on the bench. "I can't believe you-" He gripped the end of the bench tightly. "Why help us? Help me?"
"I've been working for SHIELD for a long time."
"That's not an answer."
"What are you expecting me to say? That I did it on his orders? On his behalf?" She said, her usual calmness shattering a bit. "I've spent centuries away from my home, away from him. Until a few weeks ago he thought I was dead. It hasn't been exactly easy…" She rubbed her forehead. "I am not my husband. If I have worked with SHIELD, or anyone else who I thought needed me, I did it on my own account. And that includes you." Sigyn sighed deeply, and stood up.
"Wait-" Bucky said, slightly panicked. He was angry, but he was still terrified to be out by himself. "Where are you-"
"Let's get back." She said, not leaving any room for Bucky to argue. He just stared at her for a moment, and she held his gaze blankly.
This time, Sigyn didn't hold Bucky's hand as she usually did. They just walked their way back in complete silence. She didn't need to read his mind. His posture and his expression were already an open book. Besides being angry, he was burning with suspicion. He wanted to trust her, she had promised to help him and she had done so. But her motives were never clear. And still, that she would be working with Loki was farfetched.
None of them said anything until they reached Bucky's room.
"I do care for you, Bucky." She said. She wanted to say more, but shook her head instead.
"Victoria-"
"By the way." She interrupted him. "My real name is not Victoria. It's Sigyn . You might wanna look it up. Midgardians wrote a few stories about Loki and I."
.-
Next morning, Sigyn was in the cafeteria getting some tea. She knew she had to give Bucky some space after their conversation, it was a lot to digest. She also knew Bucky would be filling up Steve with all the details.
It didn't surprise her to see Steve speed walking towards her. She knew it was coming, and she let it happen anyway.
"You lied to us!" Steve growled, grabbing her neck and pushing Sigyn against the wall.
