Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch
Author: mykindofparty
Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's confused about her feelings for Santana, but engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.
Disclaimer: Like I mentioned in the first chapter, not all of the pairings here are the same as The Office. Anything tarot-related I Googled. Also – a gunch, for those not familiar with the term, is defined by Urban Dictionary as "worst word ever... cunt and then some" and "the epitome of everything dirty and nasty" and "a vagina with semen oozing out of it".
A/N: Sorry for the delay. There were several rewrites so this is basically nothing like what I originally planned. Thanks to all for the reviews! Feel free to check out my tumblr at hufflepuffandpass . tumblr . com
TERRI: A rumor about Mike Chang being a ninja has been floating around since Halloween. I need to know if it's true because if it is, he's finally going to solve my roommate issue. Also known as Operation I-Raccooni Freedom, which is no way a play on words of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Okay, I lied… it is.
(Terri hides in the shrubbery outside the office building, waiting for Mike to arrive in order to ambush him)
"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Terri screams as she jumps out of the bushes. "Oh. It's just you. I was hoping for Dunder Mifflin's own Karate Kid."
A startled Rachel says, "Terri! I almost blew my rape whistle!"
"That would never do you any good against a real ninja," Terri says. "He'd know thirty ways to kill you with it. Now did you see Mike in the parking lot?"
"He and Tina were chatting in their car."
Terri frowns. "Their perfect relationship disgusts me," she says. "Where's the lies and negativity and suspicion? It's just not normal."
Kurt walks by. "I saw you attack Rachel," he says, holding his hands up defensively. "I have peanuts so stay back!"
Terri recoils. "You're not welcome anyway, Kurt!" she shouts as he makes his way inside. "And that applies only to this conversation and is in no way a disparaging remark about your sexuality," she adds, speaking directly into the camera.
"That word of the day calendar is paying off marvelously," Rachel comments.
"Believe me, I know. Now hide! I think I hear the Wu-Tang Clan coming!"
Rachel doesn't have time to respond before she's yanked into the bushes. Terri silently counts down from three with her fingers and the two women jump out at Mike and Tina.
Mike reacts by squirting both of them with the pepper spray on his keychain.
"MOTHER F –" Terri cries out in agony, rolling around on the ground. "I would've rather eaten the peanut! What the hell, Mike!"
"I thought you were trying to mug us!" Mike says.
Terri whines, "I wanted to unleash your inner Kung Fu Panda, not blind me with Tina's lady demon sprinkler thingy!"
Mike frowns. "It's mine, actually."
"Whatever!" Rachel moans as tears stream down her face. "Pepper spray definitely trumps rape whistle."
"Come on, I'll take you to the bathroom and help you wash it out," Tina says gently.
"No!" Terri whines, rubbing at her eyes. "He has to spray himself first! It's only fair!"
"Tina –" Mike protests.
Tina sighs. "They'll never shut up until you do."
"And I'll know if you're lying because Tina is the most honest person in the office besides myself," Terri adds. "I'm practically George Washington, if you didn't know."
MIKE: Tina, I wish I could see your beautiful face. This is worse than that time Terri ran me over with her car! Tina, why aren't you saying anything? Tina? Tina!
TINA: I'm right next to you, Mike… and you just grabbed my breast. Your temporary blindness is no excuse to grope me at work.
MIKE: What about all of those times we fooled around in the supply closet?
TINA: Okay, it's no excuse to grope me at work where other people can see.
(Dayton – Santana and Jesse bump into each other in the parking lot)
"Santana, you look lovely as always."
"I'm not really in the mood for your pickup lines," Santana says as she fumbles around in her purse.
"Bitch please," Jesse scoffs, "I already know you want nothing to do with me sexually; it was merely a compliment. If I was coming onto you, I would've totally unhooked your bra by now."
Santana gives him her patented eye roll. "What do you want?"
"Look, I don't know if anybody's told you this, but you're in a funk. The other day you started crying because you ran out of tissues," Jesse says. "I would say I've never seen anything so pathetic, but I've been to a Wiggles concert."
JESSE: Please tell me I'm not the only one who noticed she needs to get her eyebrows waxed. I would've mentioned it, but I have the feeling it would've really set her off. The last thing I need is for her to slash my tires. Or kick me in the balls.
SANTANA: So I've been less pleasant than usual. So what? I just want people to leave me the hell alone. No particular reason. But if you value your ability to have children, I'd suggest you gets that camera out my face – before I go all Lima Heights.
(Brittany's sitting at the reception desk typing furiously on her computer when Terri walks in)
"Good, you're here," Brittany says. "I finished organizing those files you told me to take care of last March. I also dusted the empty bookshelves in your office. Maybe you should actually get some books. And don't forget that Will's coming in today – oh my God! Terri, what happened to your eyes? They're all bloodshot! Are you okay?"
"I got sprayed," Terri tells her woefully.
"Is that the same as gettin' high?" April chimes in from nearby. "Because if it is, I wanna 'get sprayed' too. And if it's a sexual thing, my answer's still the same."
Terri ignores April. "But you never organize anything," she tells Brittany. "You hardly know how to answer a phone. Oh, I know what it is. You've actually been helpful lately because you're trying to keep your mind off of–"
"Ah, I see Terri wasn't the only one 'getting sprayed'," April says with a wink to Mike and Rachel, who unknowingly spare Brittany. "But then, the best things come in threes! Blind mice, musketeers, Harry Potter books…"
"There are seven Harry Potters," Rachel informs her.
"Really?" April says, asking Mike for confirmation. "That still doesn't explain why they made nine films. Ain't that right, Matt?"
APRIL: His name's not Matt? But there was a Matt at one point, right? Okay, good. For a second there I was starting to think I was goin' crazy!
MIKE: I have a feeling that things are going downhill from here today. Although I'm not quite sure how that's possible. I freaking sprayed myself with mace.
BRITTANY: Am I trying to distract myself from thinking about Santana? No… no. Those files were… they needed… Okay, fine. I am.
(The Dayton Branch – Santana walks past a group of her male coworkers whose names she never bothered to learn)
"What's the difference between a slut and a bowling ball?" one of them asks. "You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball! Wait, wait, wait. I got more. How can you tell when a blonde's having a bad day?"
"Santana! Come join us!" another calls.
She rolls her eyes. "No thanks," she says. "Not really a fan of blonde jokes."
"What's the matter gunch, you too good for us all of a sudden?" the first man asks. "Or are you too busy thinking about those Lima losers you used to work with and how they're about to get laid off?"
She turns her attention to her computer screen instead of slashing him with her vicious words, despite looking slightly morose. Her attempt at drowning out their conversation is futile, however.
"Everything all right, boys?" Holly asks as she's passing by. Santana looks up.
"Yeah," one of them replies, "just finishing our morning break."
"Well heads up, you might wanna get back to the grind 'cause I'm in the mood to recite one of my def poetry jams," Holly tells them. After they scatter, she turns to Santana and says, "I thought you were the kind of woman who could stick up for herself, Sweet Cheeks, but you've been moping around here like your family got deported."
Santana scowls. "I'm a third-generation American."
"Still, it's not like you to get pushed around," Holly says kindly. "Usually you're the one doing the pushing."
"Have you… have you ever had your heart broken?" Santana asks, feeling vulnerable.
"Sorry kiddo, just like you're the pusher, I'm the heartbreaker," Holly replies. She raises her eyebrow at Mack – who is eavesdropping. "I know that this is going to sound insensitive, but quit feeling sorry for yourself. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Find a rebound. Buy a pet lizard. Get a hobby or something."
"I have been neglecting my knitting lately," Santana jokes half-heartedly, but feeling better already.
Holly laughs. "That is not something I ever expected to come out of your mouth."
"You know what? From this moment on, Santana Lopez is back. Like that baby shampoo says, no more tears."
"Atta girl!" Holly says, wrapping an arm around Santana's shoulder. "Y'know, that guy tells the same joke to everyone who walks in here. I don't remember the first part, but I know the punch line is, 'She has a tampon tucked behind her ear and can't find her pencil'. Anyway, let's get lunch soon. I'm thinking tacos."
SANTANA: Holly's pretty boss – as far as bosses go. I wasn't so sure about her at first, but she's grown on me over the past couple months. You could say she's the mentor I never had. Thanks to her I'm totally addicted to Animal Hoarders and just the other day I bought this bitchin' Jazzercise dvd. I've also been eating a lot more tacos… and I just realized how that last part sounded.
(The reception desk, where Brittany is going over a wedding checklist)
"Hey Brittany," Tina says unsurely. "I wanna try something."
"I didn't think you and Mike were into threesomes," Brittany comments.
"We're not," Tina says, shaking her head. "But I spent the better part of my morning washing pepper spray out of his, Rachel, and Terri's eyes so I figure I deserve a break."
"What did you have in mind?" Brittany asks as she waves to Will, who's passing by.
Tina pulls out an unusual-looking deck of cards from behind her back and begins to shuffle them. "It's tarot," she explains.
"Like fortune telling?" Brittany asks curiously.
"It's not so much predicting things as it is insight into your life right now."
"And here I was hoping you'd be able to tell me if Lord Tubbington will ever find true love," Brittany jokes. "What do I have to do?"
"Cut the deck," Tina instructs. "I'll take it from there."
"Sorry, ladies," Emma says, "Will's about to start the meeting."
EMMA: I didn't go to the reconciliation dinner with my ex-husband. It's because I like someone else, but he's supposedly in a relationship. Supposedly being the key word because I really think it depends on who you ask. I wonder what the raccoon has to say about it.
TINA: I paid my way through college as The Asian Telepathic Sensation. You'd be surprised how many of my classmates came to see me during finals thinking I had all the answers to their tests. Then again, if you've ever been in college, maybe you wouldn't. Either way, I still got the money. No results guaranteed.
(The Lima Branch, where everyone is looking slightly solemn as Will addresses the room)
"Everyone, I have an announcement to make," Will says.
"We're doomed…" Mike whispers to Tina.
"I'm afraid there's no possible way for you to outsell Dayton," Will continues.
"Told you," Mike mutters.
No one is more shocked than Rachel. "But we still have three weeks!" she argues. "That's plenty of time for a comeback!"
"I accept full responsibility," Will adds. "I should've kept Terri under constant supervision."
Terri smirks. "Even when I shower? Because now that we're dating..."
Emma tries her best not to roll her eyes. It's a difficult task. "So basically you're saying it's her fault that we got so far behind?" she asks.
"Yes and no," Will says. "She is the regional manager and should've done a better job supervising you guys. But it's also not her fault because the folks in Dayton banded together and worked practically around the clock to ensure their jobs would be safe."
"I know for a fact that's true," Puck says, as he is required to attend as warehouse foreman. "Even Santana brought work home and you know her nights are devoted to shitty tv shows, takeout, and beer… and sometimes knitting."
"So what am I supposed to do now?" Rachel says, outraged.
Will clears his throat. "You'll receive severance packages-"
"That's not what I meant," Rachel snaps. "I am a paper saleswoman. Am I merely to relegate myself to selling overpriced ink cartridges at Staples or should I give up the gun and start selling my body for food stamps?"
"Rachel," Will says. "If you're worried about finding another job, I would be glad to write you an excellent letter of recommendation. And I'm sure Terri would do the same. That goes for all of you."
"Even Finn?" Lauren wonders aloud while glaring at him. "Because yesterday I spotted him counting on his fingers instead of using a calculator."
WILL: I'll admit; I have a soft spot in my heart for Finn. I don't know what it is about him that's just so likeable. He really can do no wrong in my eyes. Thank goodness I won't have to write a referral for Santana. Never cared for her.
SAM: This is just great. I'm going to have to be the new guy somewhere else now. Oh well. Maybe I'll have better luck at my next job 'cause here I scored more chicks than sales… and I only got one chick.
KURT: This is more disappointing than the time I thought Playboy was a theatre magazine.
PUCK: Luckily for me and the boys downstairs Mr. Figgins offered us jobs with his refrigeration company after the Lima Branch folds. He's like the coolest dude ever. I can't understand what he's saying, but he never rats me and the boys out when he catches us drinking beer in the warehouse. He just tells us to enjoy our cream sodas.
(Outside of the building, where Rachel is sitting on a bench glumly)
"You look like one of those emu kids," April comments.
"You're welcome to join me. Misery does love company, after all," says Rachel.
April lights a cigarette. "So do kidnappers. I should know – I've been on both ends of that spectrum!"
"I'll take your word for it," Rachel tells her as she waves away a puff of smoke. When April doesn't respond, she continues, "I love this job. Other than my farm and my dads, it's kind of all I have."
April shrugs and takes another drag of her cigarette, looking out at the parking lot. "Things don't always go accordin' to plan. I've had dozens of jobs! Sure, I got fired from most of them – usually for drinkin' during my shift – but I got to meet lots of weird-ass people and visit some places I never would've gone otherwise."
"If you say so," Rachel says, still unconvinced.
"If there's one thing I've learned in all my years," April begins, "it's that if you ain't havin' fun, you ain't really livin'."
APRIL: Do I think I helped Rachel? I don't see how I could… I was talking to myself the entire time. I was mostly lost in Rhodes Island. That's what I call my mind!
RACHEL: You know you're in a bad place when you start taking advice from April. She does, however, have a point about enjoying life. I wonder if Finn would be opposed to eloping.
(Terri's office, where she and Will are discussing the announcement he just made)
"What's going to happen, Will?" Terri asks as she looks out the window of her office and into the main room where everyone is chatting about the latest development.
"They'll be back on their feet before you know it," Will promises.
"Not them; me. I can't go back to being an assistant manager at Sheets N' Things! I hated it there. I wasn't allowed to nap in the model beds and I didn't have my own office to sleep in, either!" Terri says hysterically.
"Wait, do you sleep in here?"
"Silly Will, does it even matter at this point?" she replies before adding, "Are we going to be okay? This isn't going to affect our relationship, is it?"
"We'll be fine, Terri," Will sighs, sounding slightly resigned.
Terri smiles instantly and takes a step forward. "I believe you. Now let's make out. Y'know, in honor of all of us about to lose our jobs and stuff."
WILL: Would it be the worst thing in the world if Terri had to move out of state to find a new job? I don't think I'd be heartbroken, if that's what you're getting at.
TERRI: I like to think of us as our own little family. Will, me and the raccoon makes three. Do you think I could find a bonnet to go on his head? The raccoon; not Will. Although I bet I can find one large enough to fit over Will's curls.
(Dave and Mack sit in the Dayton break room)
"I'm telling you, I saw Jesse and Santana in the parking lot earlier and they looked like they were talking," Dave says.
"What's so unusual about that?" Mack asks.
"There was no bloodshed!" he shouts.
Mack sighs. "They can be friends, Dave. It's not like they'll ever be more than that."
"At the rate you're going, you'll never be more than friends with her either."
MACK: Bastard's got point.
(Lima, where everyone is neglecting their work – including Rachel)
"I never thought I'd say this, but I want to go out with a bang," Rachel says to Puck.
"There's some storage bins down in the warehouse. No one will even notice we're gone," he replies.
"Ugh, that's so not what I meant. Besides, I like Finn. Even if he won't elope with me."
"So if you don't wanna do the dirty, what did you have in mind?" Puck asks.
She smiles. "I was thinking we could… have a party."
"My house is out," Puck tells her. "Last time I threw a party there I got a misdemeanor from the Lima PD. I'll admit, my sister's Bat Mitzvah was getting a little out of hand, but there was no need to bring out the cuffs. Not my fault they found my booze all on their own! Luckily the charges were dropped and the worst thing that happened was Rabbi Greenburg's niece-"
Rachel's eyes widen. "I don't want to know. And I just thought of something… we can have it at my farm!"
"Great!" Puck says. "I know the perfect theme."
RACHEL: How did I get into farming? In high school, I was a member of every club and that included FFA – that's Future Farmers of America – although I heavily protested anything having to do with slaughtering, strangling, or generally harming animals. Coincidentally at Berry Farms we do not cultivate berries. But I do grow soybeans. Also, it's not to be confused with Knott's Berry Farm. I get that a lot.
PUCK: Let's face it: Rachel's kind of a square. She wears the strangest sweaters I've ever seen and refuses to let me touch her boobs as a Hanukkah present. Trust me, I ask for the same thing every year. But if she wants to make this party a success, she's gotta let me call the shots. That's why I'm going to make a deal with the devil more commonly known as Sugar.
(The reception desk, where Brittany is looking at wedding dresses online)
"So should I continue your reading now that the end is near?" Tina asks. "Because I know we didn't get very far, but there's one card that already threw me for a loop –"
"Actually I want to ask you a question. Do you think you could design my wedding invitations and save the dates?" Brittany says. "I was thinking about maybe in one of the corners having the outline of two cats and their noses are touching. Lord Tubbington is like my baby and Artie already said no to letting him attend the ceremony and I want LT to feel like he's involved."
"Awww, that's sweet," Tina says.
"Wow. I was worried you were going to think it was crazy," Brittany says, relieved.
"It is. But it's also sweet. What are you going to do with Lord Tubbington when you go on your honeymoon?"
Brittany frowns.
BRITTANY: I was going to ask Santana, but that's not really an option anymore. Somehow I don't think she'll really want to be my maid of honor either.
TINA: I like that Brittany and I are both engaged because we can talk about this sort of thing, but I don't think she'll actually get married – to Artie, at least. It's not in the cards… Literally.
(Terri's office. Will is packing up his briefcase)
"Don't go," Terri pleads. "Stay here and have lunch with me."
"Sorry. I have to drive to Dayton today and meet Holly."
"Holly?" Terri says in disbelief. "You're going to meet with Holly?"
"Well, she is the manager over there. And if all goes well at least a few people from Lima can transfer over there after this branch closes."
"That's an excellent idea. Any chance they want a new manager instead of that washed up, overrated, untrustworthy bimbo?" Terri asks, discretely texting under her desk.
Will laughs. "Will it make you feel better if I stay for a few more minutes?"
TERRI: He thinks I'm kidding, but I'm not. I hate her. What makes Holly Holiday so great anyway? I'm blonde too and I think we all can agree that I'm the way cooler boss. I have a raccoon.
(The Dayton Branch - Santana is in the break room munching on a cheeseburger)
Jesse slides into the seat next to her. "I thought you were a vegetarian," he says.
Santana shrugs. "I lied. Besides, you saw me chowing down at Puck's."
"Remembering details about other people was never my forte," Jesse replies. "See, this is what I love about our friendship. We can be so open and honest with each other. Now are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"I'm not telling you," Santana snarls.
"But we have so much in common! We both have… siblings?"
"Only child."
"See? We do have stuff in common. I'm the only child that matters in my family!"
"Ugh, whatever, this is probably going to bite me in the ass, but I didn't exactly sweep Brittany off her feet," Santana says. "She picked a cripple over me – so I'm taking Puck and Holly's advice and moving on."
Jesse nods. "And mine. That's totally my advice too. Also, be sure to take care of that unibrow you've got going on. Now who's Brittany again?"
"You're such an asshole," she tells him. "But I guess our similar personalities make for some entertaining banter."
Dave, listening from the doorway, coughs. "Hey guys," he says, feeling awkward for intruding on their conversation. "When did you two get so close?"
"We're not," Santana insists.
"Since the day you stopped being there for her," Jesse says defensively.
Santana glares at him.
"What are you talking about?" Dave asks.
Jesse shrugs. "You never showed up on Thanksgiving."
"I said I might drop by!" Dave maintains.
"Might only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades," Jesse adds. "Or something like that. Now do us all a favor and vanish before I'm forced to call animal control on your grizzly ass."
"Listen, punk –"
"Both of you shut up!" Santana shouts. "You're fighting worse than my parents after the maid found my Playboy stash!"
DAVE: What is so great about Jesse anyway? Besides his hair and his fashion sense and his breathy voice… which I totally don't find attractive or anything…
JESSE: Aren't these boots exquisite? I paid full retail price. Oh that back there? I could've taken him. But there was a table in the way, lucky for me. I mean for him! Lucky for him.
SANTANA: Did I enjoy watching two grown men – one totally gay and the other, by my estimations, 93% gay – fight over me? Maybe if they had thrown a punch or something. I broke that shit up way too soon.
(Filming from the Lima Branch conference room, the camera zooms in on Lauren in the parking lot. She's letting the air out of someone's tires. Then the scene cuts to Tina, busy typing away on her computer)
"I don't think you actually have to do any work, T. This place is Dunder Mifflin Gone Wild," Mike tells her as April whizzes by on a scooter. "Rachel even took off her sweater! Granted, she had another sweater on underneath it, but it's the most carefree she's ever been."
"Oh, I'll only be a minute. Then we can go to lunch," she responds. "By the way, have you noticed that Brittany's been acting really strange lately?"
"You mean stranger than usual?"
Tina nods. "She's like, hyper-focused on the wedding. And she hasn't gone a day without sobbing since around Thanksgiving. Yesterday she cried because the microwave is still broken. Then again, April did too, but that's a daily occurrence for some reason."
"And you want to help her?" Mike guesses. "Brittany, I mean."
"She already asked me to design her wedding invitations and stuff," Tina says. "But I'm also looking into something else for her."
Mike kisses her on the cheek. "Whatever it is, I'm sure she'll love it."
TINA: I finished her reading. Her cards represented difficulty, dishonesty, selfishness and sadness. Then there was the devil card. But I kind of forgot what that meant, so I have to look it up.
MIKE: I don't need to look at tarot cards to know how bad Brittany and Artie's relationship sucks.
(Brittany brings Artie his lunch down in the warehouse)
"Hey!" she tells him. "Guess what I've been doing."
"Uh, I dunno. Watching videos of cats again?" Artie guesses.
"Besides that," Brittany says cheerfully.
"I'm not really in the mood for guessing games, Britt. Puck still hasn't come back from his hour and a half lunch and I'm trying to get this shipment out," Artie says as he holds his sandwich in one hand and his clipboard in the other.
"I was working on our wedding plans," she says. "Everything's starting to come together, but there's still so much to do."
"Don't worry about that. You'll have plenty of time once you're laid off," Artie says absentmindedly. "And at least you won't have to use any vacation days for the honeymoon since every day will be a vacation. But for now, why don't you go back to playing secretary? I have real work to do."
Brittany storms off without a word.
ARTIE: I guess I'm banished to the couch for the time being. It's too bad 'cause my Xbox is in the bedroom and all we have in the living room is Lord Tubbington's Wii Fit. Technically I could just move the Xbox out there with me, but the last time I did that Brittany said I introduced him to a world of violence that no cat should ever see. She didn't appreciate it when I told her that she needed to stop letting him watch Quentin Tarantino movies then.
(Terri talks on the phone while ignoring all of the chaos going on outside her office)
"Honestly the smart thing to do would be to turn around and come back to Lima. You're not supposed to drive very far on your spare and you can spend the night with me," Terri says into the phone as Rachel enters her office. "Fine. Go back to your own lonely, raccoon-free apartment. Talk to you later."
"Was that Will?" Rachel asks.
Terri nods. "He had a totally unexpected flat tire on his way to Dayton."
"That's odd," Rachel says.
"Completely," Terri agrees, not meeting Rachel's eye before turning her attention to her computer monitor. "Rachel, did you need something? I'm a little busy right now creating a fake E-Harmony profile for Homewrecker Holly that says she has monkey pox. Ah, crap. I need a credit card. Let me use yours. I've already maxed out my Pottery Barn one for the month."
"I'm not about to make the same mistake twice," Rachel refuses. "I came in here to tell you about this awesome theme party I'm having tonight at my farm. I want us all to leave DuMi LiBra as friends so in order to do that I still need to make friends with… almost everybody."
TERRI: So Rachel has a farm, huh? I wonder if I can leave the raccoon there. Never mind. The damn thing's probably smart enough to find its way back. It managed to figure out how to use the microwave. Then again, that could've just been my landlord, Howard. He likes to watch the food revolve almost as much as April does. But maybe I should be more concerned about my landlord coming into my apartment for no good reason.
(The reception desk, where Brittany is filing a few things)
"I got an invitation to Rachel Berry's 40s Party Extravaganza," she tells the camera. "It took Rachel fourteen minutes and twenty-seven seconds to design these and print them up for everybody. I know this because she timed herself. So why isn't Tina done with my save the dates? She's had forever."
The phone rings and Brittany groans. She answers saying, "Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch. This is Brittany."
"Hello Bethany," comes the voice on the other end of the line. "This is Sue Sylvester, CFO speaking. I take it you've heard of me."
"Yes ma'am. You're my boss's boss's boss –"
"That wasn't a question. Is that unexceptionally bland Justin Timberlake imitator Will Schuester still there?" Sue pauses before adding, "That was a question."
"Will left, but called a few minutes ago saying he was having car trouble," Brittany explains. "I patched him through to Terri, but not before he mentioned his phone was almost dead."
"That sounds suspiciously convenient, but I have more important things to do than coddle him and his smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom chin. I'll harass him tomorrow. Becky – get my keys. We're going to the shooting range with Dick Cheney so I can teach him how to distinguish a quail from a human – in case he ever wants to shoot a quail. Later, Brenda."
"Bye," Brittany says as Rachel darts by her with a streamer in hand.
BRITTANY: Rachel on Red Bull was like Lord Tubbington on catnip. A deadly combination. But Party Rachel's kinda funny. I just wish her party was only for people who actually work in the office. Because I'm pretty upset with Artie and seeing Puck reminds me of… of… I can't even say her name. I wonder if she'll show up tonight.
(Dayton, where Holly is painting her nails in her office)
"Here's those files you wanted. Hey – wasn't Will supposed to stop by today?" Mack asks as she drops a stack of papers off.
"You're right," Holly replies, "he was. And people think I'm flaky!"
"That's not like Will at all," Mack comments casually. "Thanks for cheering Santana up, by the way."
Holly stops applying her second coat of polish. "I wouldn't have had to if you just done what I asked and kept her happy. Sure, she was fine before Thanksgiving, but her sales this month have been terrible! She couldn't hit water if she fell out of a boat. Don't get me wrong; she can be a good salesman when she wants to be – hell, she may even be our best seller – but she doesn't hold a candle to a girl called Rachel Berry. And Rachel Berry's not the kind to go down without a fight. The folks at the Lima Branch are probably working their fingers bare to the bone!"
"I've tried, okay? Santana's just not interested in me… and she's kind of oblivious to the fact that I'm interested in her."
Holly's phone rings.
"I'd better take that," she says coolly.
MACK: I like Holly a lot less these days. She used to be so much friendlier. The first time I worked here, she used to dress up like Mary Todd Lincoln and stuff. Once she even came in dressed as a hermaphrodite Nazi sympathizer. That was one Tuesday I'll never forget.
(The Lima Branch parking lot, where Puck is looking at his watch and tapping his foot impatiently)
"I'm here!" Sugar proclaims as she steps out of her car.
"You got all the stuff I asked for?" Puck asks.
Sugar saunters toward him. "Of course. You know, you're really lucky my uncle owns a liquor store and that he gave me a good deal since I was buying in bulk."
"I know, I know," Puck says. "You're a lifesaver."
"Is that a pet name? I totally see your logic. Lifesavers are candy and candy's made of sugar," she says, causing Puck to cringe. "I'm also blessed with super good looks, a ginormous brain, and a silky-smooth singing voice."
"Uh, sure," Puck says as he pops open the trunk and begins to load things onto a handcart.
"Is that for the party tonight?" Mercedes asks as she stops on the way to her car.
"Sure is. You're dipping out early, I see," Puck grins. "It's like 3:30, Mercedes."
Mercedes shrugs. "I have a Get Out of Dunder Mifflin Free card which may or may not just be a Get Out of Jail Free Card."
"Sound legit," Puck says.
"So can I come to this party or not?" Sugar whines, drawing the attention back to her.
Puck runs a hand through his Mohawk. "Kind of a Dunder Mifflin-only thing. Mercedes isn't inviting her husband."
"That's because he's in the doghouse," Mercedes tells them.
"Fine," Sugar relents, "but you're keeping up your end of the bargain, Puck. Remember, as of this afternoon, we're Facebook Official."
"A promise is a promise," Puck says with a cheesy smile.
PUCK: I never said for how long.
SUGAR: When you're good to Motta, Motta's good to you. I can't wait to see the look of surprise on my boyfriend's face when I crash his party. The only thing that's going to drop faster than his jaw is his pants when he sees me!
MERCEDES: Shane and I don't have many rules at our house. He's free to do pretty much whatever he wants – like drink milk right out of the carton or leave the toilet seat up for example. But there is one thing I will not tolerate. He ate the last of the tater tots without replacing it with a new bag. That's why he's in the doghouse. And he ain't gettin' out anytime soon.
(The Dayton Branch – closing time)
"Hey Santana, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to do something tonight," Mack asks.
"Oh, hey," Santana replies, the invitation catching her off-guard. "Sure. That… that sounds like fun."
"We can always invite the guys, too, if you want," Mack adds nervously. "So that it's more of a group thing, I mean."
"No," Santana says, "I think they've had enough excitement for one day. How about we go get some drinks? Olive Garden's right around the corner. Just don't ask me to eat their food because it's like dog food compared to Breadstix."
Mack laughs. "Okay."
Santana smiles back. "I have one more condition. No cameras. I'm tired of constantly feeling like I'm under a microscope."
SANTANA: Seriously, beat it.
MACK: Isn't she great?
(Puck parks his truck outside of what is presumably Rachel's barn)
"Ah, you made it!" Rachel tells him.
"Yeah, got all the beer and stuff in the back," Puck says before he notices her attire. "Why are you dressed like a mechanic? You always wear skirts or dresses; I even assume you sleep in them."
"I'm Rosie the Riveter," Rachel explains. "I thought it was obvious. Where's your costume, by the way? Is it still in your truck?"
"Costume? Why the hell would I need a costume for a forties party?" Puck asks.
RACHEL: A forties party celebrates an era that saw the end of World War II and produced some of the most influential films of the century such as Casablanca, Citizen Kane, and It's a Wonderful Life. Whatever Puck had in mind is probably better suited for a trailer park in West Lima where all the crackheads live.
PUCK: A forties party is where you duct tape a forty ounce bottle of beer to each of your hands. You have to drink them both before you're allowed to pee. Unless, of course, you have someone who's willing to lend a helping hand. The only person I really trust with that task is Santana, but even then her aim is only about ninety percent accurate.
(Berry Farms – most guests have arrived so Rachel takes the opportunity to make an announcement)
"Remember, not only is this a fully operational farm, it is also a bed and breakfast so anyone too drunk to drive can crash here for the night! We only have three rooms available though, so drink wisely! Also, don't let Cousin Jacob creep you out. Okay, he creeps me out too and he isn't actually my cousin. On second thought, I'll send him home. And thank you all for complying with the theme, except for Puck, of course. Although you are free to indulge in his theme as well! Let's party!" Rachel says, and then hops off the chair she was standing on.
"Nobody's joining me," Puck complains to her. "And I don't know why. Hey, do you mind scratching my nose?"
Rachel ignores him and chooses instead to greet Quinn – who has just walked in with Sam. "What are you wearing?" Rachel asks dubiously.
"I'm Rosie the Riveter!" Quinn says.
"False! I am," Rachel replies before adding, "Clearly."
Quinn notices Rachel's outfit for the first time and says, "No, you're some other badly dressed 1940s factory worker."
"I hate to tell you this, Quinn, but that bandana isn't even consistent with the time period! It's like you didn't even use the poster as a template," Rachel says with a laugh. "When I was in the Renaissance Club in high school I designed all of the dresses for our madrigal so I know the difference between a good costume and a cheap imitation when I see one."
"Well you know what I'd like to see?" Puck says as he puts an arm around both of them, careful not to spill any beer. "Rosie the Riveter make out with herself."
Rachel and Quinn continue to glare at each other while Puck makes his way over to Sam.
"Who are you supposed to be? Popeye?" he asks.
"I'm that sailor from the V-J Day kiss," Sam explains. "But I don't know why Quinn's not the nurse. She always wants to do couple stuff. I wanted to be Captain America."
"I got a solution that doesn't really solve your problems, but it'll make you feel a hell of a lot better," Puck says. "All you need is two beer bottles and someone else to duct tape them to your hands. Oh, and you might wanna take a piss beforehand."
SAM: Quinn tries really hard to be the perfect girlfriend, but sometimes her best isn't enough. Just the other night she suggested we watch Indiana Jones and the Legends of the Hidden Temple. In her defense if that was a real movie it couldn't be any worse than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
(Rachel's house – living room)
"Did anyone remember to invite Emma?" Terri asks loudly. "Nobody? Okay good. She's a party pooper anyway."
"And she always smells too clean!" April adds. "Like soap!"
"Yeah, that would concern you," Terri mutters.
TERRI: Did I bring the raccoon? No. For one thing I was worried he'd try and attack me while driving. I don't have a pet carrier for him because he's not technically my pet. For another, I straight up forgot him.
(Rachel's house, upstairs – Brittany is in line for the restroom)
"I've been looking everywhere for you," Tina proclaims.
"You have?" Brittany asks unsurely.
"And I've been looking for Rachel, but I can't find her anywhere," Finn interjects as he passes by him.
"Yeah. You know that tarot reading I did? There was one card that really bugged me and I still can't figure out why," Tina says.
Brittany tilts her head. "What is it?"
"The devil card," Tina replies.
"You mean I'm haunted? Is this like Paranormal Activity because my parents are ghost hunters and they always said I had a strange aura."
"No, Britt. The devil is symbolically preventing you from doing something else. In this case, I think there's something stopping you from going through with your wedding," Tina explains.
"That's crazy, Tina. Planning these things take a while. And I love Artie."
"I'm not saying you don't," Tina says. "But maybe you're not in a good place in your relationship. Maybe you're the one holding back. Sure, he held off on giving you a ring, but you never seemed to mind. Maybe I'm just telling you something you already know deep down in your heart. You shouldn't settle for anything less than you deserve. And you deserve happiness, Brittany. Don't you think so?"
Brittany looks at the now-empty restroom. "I gotta pee."
BRITTANY: Now I know I made the wrong choice.
(Rachel's kitchen – where Puck is unsuccessfully trying to scoop some food between the bottles taped to his hands when his phone starts vibrating)
"Hey reach into my pocket, will ya?" Puck asks Kurt.
Kurt backs away. "I only play that game with Blaine," he says.
"My phone's ringing! Help a dude out," Puck says. "And, uh, do you mind holding it to my ear while I talk?"
Kurt rolls his eyes, but complies.
Puck grins. "You're go for Puck," he says.
"I'm at a bar with a girl."
Puck grins. "Got room for one more?"
"It's Tana, you gunch."
"What's a gunch?" Puck asks.
"I don't know exactly. I got called one today at work so I assume it's offensive – that's why I repeated it to you."
"Can you hurry this up? My hand's starting to cramp," Kurt tells him.
"Who was that? Are you with Sugar? Oh my God, she better not be giving you a handjob right now!"
"Nah, I'm at Rachel's party. Never thought I'd say those words, but whatever. Remember when we used to have forties parties all the time? Apparently everyone thinks that means the 1840s or some shit," Puck says.
"Are you talking about the duct tape thing? That's called Edward Fortyhands. No wonder people had no clue what you meant, dumbass. Anyway, I need your advice. I'm in the bathroom of Olive Garden and I'm running out of interesting stories to tell her."
"Why talk at all when you could be doing it?" Puck says. "Where'd you meet this one anyway?"
"Work."
"Damn, what is it with you and girls you meet at Dunder Mifflin, Santana?"
"Puck are you insane? What if someone overheard you?"
"I already knew. But I think you should go for it, Santana," Kurt advises into the phone.
"Kurt? Is that you? Congrats on coming out at work, by the way. After all it's what's in your heart, not in your pants. I gotta go, though. I think this lady's about to take a massive dump. Bye guys."
"Remember, STDs are a myth and like you always tell me, 'put a hoodie on your woody'. Later!" Puck calls as Kurt closes the phone. "Okay, now slide it back in my pocket."
(Rachel's living room – where Mike and April are chatting)
"So's then he says to me, 'Wasn't that picture centered above the bed last time I was here?' And I said, 'I have a lot of wild animal sex so it depends.'" April tells Mike – who is mortified.
He goes to move away, but is stopped by Lauren. "Ah, just the guy I wanted to see," she says. "I have a new product for you."
"No thanks," he tells her. "Tina and I are out of debt now. Besides, we're trying to cut back on the sex toys."
Lauren frowns harder, which Mike didn't think was possible. "This is something else. Since our branch is in the crapper, I devised a new moneymaking scheme. I'm selling fweed."
"Are we about to get sprayed?" April asks excitedly.
"Don't let her trap you, April. It's a vicious cycle," Mike says as he heads upstairs.
APRIL: Wait, you mean fweed stands for fake weed? What kind of rip-off is that? I was hopin' the F meant… a-ffordable. Silent A.
(Rachel's porch – where Brittany is sitting on a rocking chair and looking out onto the fields)
"There you are," Artie says. "I was wondering where you went."
"I didn't feel like partying," Brittany says sadly.
"Is this because I don't let you drink to the point where you turn into a stripper anymore?" he asks.
Brittany slides her engagement ring off her finger and back on again. "No… it's because I've been avoiding you."
"Look, I know you're still mad about what I said –"
"It's not that, Artie."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't think we should get married," Brittany admits. "I… I have feelings for someone else."
Artie takes a deep breath. "What?" he demands. "Is it Puck?"
"No –"
"It's Sam then. I've heard about how you look at him from the reception desk."
"It's not him either. It's –"
"Then is it Finn?" Artie interrupts, his voice cracking.
"Santana," Brittany breathes out. "It's Santana. I'm sorry."
She places her ring in the palm of his hand and goes back inside the house.
BRITTANY: I'm not quite ready to leave the party yet. And no, that isn't a metaphor for my relationship with Artie. I just want to have some fun for once and stop worrying about constantly embarrassing him. But most of all, I wanna get hammered and call Santana.
(Rachel's kitchen – where Sam is having the same problem as Puck; he can't pick anything up)
"I see you joined the chump brigade," Mercedes says as she watches him struggle to pick up a hot dog. "At first I couldn't understand why you'd ever listen to one of Puck's dumb ideas, but then I remembered that I work with you and I witness stuff like this firsthand."
"That's way harsh," Sam tells her. "Do you mind putting that wiener in my mouth?"
"Okay, that's tied for the unintentionally gayest thing I've heard all night," Kurt says as he passes through the kitchen.
Mercedes does Sam a favor and obliges. "Where's Quinn? Aren't you two surgically attached at the lips or something?"
"She's been fighting with Rachel all night. It's kind of a nice break, not always having to be together," Sam says.
"I know exactly what you mean. Shane's been driving me up the wall lately."
Sam smiles. "Who are you supposed to be?"
"Ella Fitzgerald."
MERCEDES: Sam's an okay guy. He doesn't piss me off as much as most people do. And that's saying a lot.
SAM: Mercedes, listen to me blow on the tops of these bottles. I knew my big lips were good for something! We should start a band and I'll play the jugs!
(Outside Rachel's barn – where Puck is standing with his legs crossed)
"Puck, why do you look like someone punched you in the stomach?" Terri asks. "It's not attractive – even on you."
He turns to her and says, "I gotta pee. I finished both my forties like forty minutes ago, but no one inside would unwrap my hands."
"Duct tape is terrible for your skin," Terri admonishes. "It rips the hair right out. That gives me an idea… do you think we could put some on Emma's head tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure. Whatever. Look – there's no time for you to take the tape off. I gotta go now. So here's what's going to happen. You're gonna unbuckle my belt, unzip my pants, and you're going to hold my dong while I pee. I'll even spell your name," Puck says. "Well, I guess you can decide that, since you'll be the one holding it."
Terri eyes him suspiciously. "This isn't a ploy to have sex with me, is it? Because Will and I are in love. At least I think we are. I know I am."
Puck groans. "I think if I was trying to lure you into something, I'd make sure my hands were free."
"You could have an accomplice," Terri says, "like in Scream. Come to think of it, the circumstances are pretty similar. Old house in the middle of nowhere, two good looking people and the rest just average at best, it all adds up."
"Terri, I only want you to free my hands or hold my dick," Puck swears.
Terri's about to respond when there's a gasp.
The camera pans over to Sugar who says, "You're cheating on me already?"
"Shit," Puck says under his breath. "How did you find me here?" he asks.
"I put a tracking device on your truck," Sugar shrugs.
Terri laughs. "Stalk much?"
"Damn, I knew I shouldn't have told you that story about Jesse," Puck says.
"I'm going to go call Will now," Terri says to Puck. "Mostly because this is awkward and you've got bigger problems right now than the dam bursting. A word of advice: lying is key for a successful relationship so whatever you tell her better be better than the truth."
TERRI: I've left Will six voicemails and I know he recharged his phone because he updated his Facebook status from it. Maybe that psychotic girl Puck was talking to had a point. I should definitely invest in one of those tracking devices. Then I wouldn't even have to call Will… unless he was lying. Did I mention that I'm the only one who's allowed to lie in our relationship? Because I am.
(Rachel's living room – half of the group is congregated there)
"Mike… I wanna suck your… I wanna suck… I wanna suck your blood!" Tina slurs drunkenly.
"Did you think she was gonna say blood?" Kurt asks Sam, who shakes his head. "Me either."
Rachel walks down the stairs. "Have you guys seen Finn?" she asks.
"He was lookin' for ya all night, Sweetie Pie!" April tells her. "He got tired of searchin' and drove off with that nice boy with polio."
"Artie doesn't have polio," Sam says. "Right, Brittany?"
Brittany looks at the floor guiltily. "So what were you doing all this time, Rachel?" she asks, hoping to change the subject.
"I was fighting with Quinn," Rachel says. "But after several hours of arguing we both decided to bury the hatchet and become friends. That was my goal for this party after all. And maybe I didn't make friends with everyone, but I did get one of my worst enemies out of the way."
"So where is she now?" Kurt wonders.
"Maybe she's smoking the fweed?" Mike suggests.
Lauren looks in her purse. "Nope, I've got it all right here."
"Or maybe she's holding Puck's penis," Terri offers. "Shouldn't you be concerned, Sam?"
"Nah, she's probably crying about baby books or reading books about crying babies or something," he responds.
"Are you sure it's not the fweed?" Mike asks again.
"Quit jumping to conclusions, all of you!" Rachel yells. "Besides, she's asleep in my bed."
KURT: Correction, that's the unintentionally gayest thing I've heard all night.
RACHEL: Oh, I just realized how that sounded. This is one of those Abraham Lincoln moments, isn't it? I never really understood that until now. Our nation's sixteenth president indeed.
TERRI: Puck still hasn't come back inside and I'm starting to get a little nervous because this place really does have a horror movie feel to it. But I can't decide if it's all of those eerie coincidences I listed earlier or Rachel's decorating.
(The hallway – where Brittany is waiting for Tina to stop throwing up in the bathroom)
"Ugh, my head is going to kill me," Tina mumbles as she's yanked aside. "Ow."
"Tina, I have something to tell you," Brittany says.
Tina sniffs Brittany. "Have you been smoking? Because I think it's gonna make me hurl again."
"Yeah, I have," Brittany says. "I'm doing all the things I haven't done since high school. And I ended it with Artie," she tells Tina. "And Lauren gave me a really good deal on the fweed. It's super affordable."
"Wait 'til I tell everyone!" Tina says.
BRITTANY: Shit, I forgot she and Mercedes are like Dunder Mifflin's biggest gossips. At least I didn't say anything about Santana, right? Right? Oh my God, this fweed is making me paranoid. Replay the tape! Did I mention Santana or not?
TINA: Holy freaking crap, Santana's the devil. The card, I mean. The devil card. You need to start paying more attention, Brittany. I was still standing right next to you.
BRITTANY: I really hope you forget about this in the morning.
(The next morning at the Lima Branch – everyone trudges in)
"Do you think Finn'll be upset about you blowing him off last night?" Kurt asks Rachel.
"Nah," she replies hopefully. "He's the most understanding guy I know."
Kurt laughs.
"This tape residue won't come off my hands," Sam complains. "I'm all sticky."
"I don't mind holding your hand though," Quinn says.
Sam grins. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather hold Rachel's hand since you're already partial to her bed?" he teases.
"The only thing I don't remember is how I got so many hickeys," Mike comments.
"Yeah, same here," Tina lies.
Brittany walks in alone.
"I'm telling you, you should've stayed," Lauren tells Finn. "Your chances of having a threesome were pretty high since Quinn was passed out in Rachel's room… presumably naked."
Finn gapes at her.
"Hey everybody," Emma greets. "Why do you all look so tired?"
"We had a party and didn't invite you," Terri says as she breezes past. "It was a unanimous decision."
Emma's eyes widen.
PUCK: Where did I go last night? Let's just say I was refilling the sugar bowl. I had to apologize somehow for asking another woman to pull out Thor! Thor's my… well, I'm trying out new names… you likey?
TINA: I remember it all. It's burned into my brain like walking in on your parents having sex or your grandparents having sex or Mr. Kidney the janitor drinking vodka out of a teapot and touching himself.
FINN: I wanted to stay, but Artie insisted on leaving. He said Brittany couldn't drive him home because she'd been drinking too much, but I never saw her touch a drop. I hope Rachel isn't mad that I left. She scares me sometimes with her intensity. Like when she asked me to elope.
(Holly's office, where Will is meeting with her)
Santana knocks on the door. "You wanted to see me?" she asks.
"Yes, come in," Will says, forgetting for a second that it's not his office.
"By all means," Holly adds, shooting Will a look.
"Santana, first I want to congratulate you on being Dayton's top seller for the month of November," Will says.
"Do I get a bumper sticker? Because I'm pretty sure my parents will want one," Santana jokes, knowing they won't care one bit. "Although there's not much room on their Hummer from all those times I made the honor roll. Kidding – in reality my parents only have the sticker that says, 'My child beat up your honor student'."
"Classic," Holly says approvingly.
"No, but I do have a gift card to Olive Garden for you," Will says.
Santana sighs. "As long as it's good at the bar."
"Anyway," Will continues, "the main reason I called you both in here is to let you know that corporate has decided to keep the Dayton Branch in operation. Santana, we're going to promote you to a management position and Holly, we want you to oversee the new Midwest Region."
HOLLY: This is the longest I've ever held a job and to be honest, I'm not really sure how I've managed to keep it. Luckily I can fake my way through anything – just ask anyone who's seen my sex tape with J.D. Salinger.
SANTANA: Maybe if I get higher up in this company, I'll have more say in the prizes that go to top sellers. No one wants to eat that garbage. Whoa – rewind. Did I say, "If I get higher up in this company"? I think I just set a goal for myself. Eh, I'm not too worried. I haven't achieved a goal in years. Not since the drunken snow angel contest my junior year of college. Now there's a real come-from-behind victory.
(The main office at Lima – the camera pans over from Finn picking his nose to Brittany staring determinedly at Santana's old desk)
"I can feel your eyes on me," Sam says without looking up.
Brittany doesn't avert her gaze. "Uh, Sam, did I happen to spill any secrets last night?" she asks.
"You told Tina who told Mercedes who told Lauren who told Kurt who told Terri who told Cousin Jacob who told me that you broke up with Artie," Sam finishes.
"Hey Brittany, I guess it's a good thing we're not doing random drug tests today," Terri jokes from the doorway of her office.
"It was fake weed!" Brittany states. "But did I say anything else, Sam? Or call anybody?"
"Not that I know of. Sorry, I was kinda drunk too and I took a couple hits of your fweed."
BRITTANY: I don't think I drunk dialed Santana. I remember wanting to at multiple points, but it's kind of hard to tell because all of the contacts in my phone are now Harry Potter characters. And it's probably for the best that I didn't because now I have some time to be single. I don't want to jump into another relationship straight away. Maybe I'll see where life takes me after the branch closes and hopefully it takes me closer to her.
(Dayton – Will is still in the meeting with Holly and Santana)
"So what do you say, Holly? Do we have a deal?" Will asks.
"No," Holly replies. "I don't think it's going to work for me, Will."
Santana looks on, stunned.
"What?" Will says, equally flabbergasted. "We designed this plan specifically around you!"
"Yesterday when we were supposed to meet I might've taken it, but Staples offered me a Senior Management position. You don't turn that kind of opportunity down!" Holly argues.
"I can't believe this!" Will roars. "I just have to ask – did you leverage our offer in order to obtain that job?"
"Yes," Holly answers, her voice never quivering.
"Wow," Santana mouths to the camera.
SANTANA: Terri Del Monico is a lot of things; borderline crazy being the abridged description, of course. She inadvertently offends everyone she meets. She lives with an animal that devours garbage. She'd probably literally bring a knife to a gunfight. But she would never do what Holly just did.
WILL: Terri was right about one thing; I shouldn't have trusted Holly. You know, maybe I don't give that woman – excuse me, my girlfriend – enough credit sometimes. I guess Terri's really lucky I got a flat tire when I did because I am going to recommend that the Lima Branch stay open instead.
(Lima Branch – where Rachel has packed up a few things on her desk including her Rachel Berry bobblehead)
"I can't believe my time as Assistant Regional Manager is almost over," Rachel moans.
"Assistant to the regional manager," Terri corrects.
"I like to think about all the good times we had," April says fondly. "Me and Julio down by the schoolyard, drinking pond water for the nutrients, thinking Fraggle Rock was a codename for crystal meth. So many good times."
"Who's Julio?" Kurt asks Finn.
Finn shakes his head. "Dude, I'm more concerned about the pond thing. Even I know not to do that… anymore."
"She frightens me," Emma says, but no one is listening. "She frightens me more than I can describe in words."
The phone rings.
"Are you going to answer it? This might be one of the last times somebody calls here!" Terri yells at Brittany.
"Dunder Mifflin – oh, hey Puck. No, I'm not sure why Artie's not at work," Brittany tells him. "He had Finn drop him off by our apartment last night. Yeah, we broke up. No, I don't wanna meet you behind a storage bin. Yeah, I know that was a joke. No, I don't know what chlamydia looks like. Okay, bye."
TERRI: Last night was fun and all, but the reality of the situation is starting to set in. I failed all these people. It's partially my fault they won't have jobs in a few weeks. Okay, it's mostly my fault. I'm probably the worst regional manager in all of Dunder Mifflin history right about now.
(Dayton, where Will is addressing the entire office – similarly to the meeting he gave the Lima Branch previously)
"…and so after much discussion with Sue Sylvester and Holly, it has been decided that the Dayton Branch will close after the year is over. Anyone requesting a transfer to a different branch, take the form that Jesse is handing out now. Anyone needing a recommendation for another job, please see me afterward. Thank you for your years of loyalty and service to Dunder Mifflin."
"This is so hard to believe," Dave says to Mack. "We worked our asses off for nothing."
Mack doesn't pay attention to him, but instead walks over to Santana. "Hey," she says. "I just wanted to tell you that I had a really good time last night."
Santana brushes back a piece of hair. "Me too. So, uh, what do you think of this whole situation?"
"It's crazy," Mack says. "I feel like there's something Will's not telling us."
"Oh there is," Santana mutters before saying, "You know, the Lima Branch isn't nearly as bad as I made it out to be… so if they offer you a job, you should consider taking it."
"Yeah, I might do that."
"Cool, 'cause there's no Olive Garden in Lima, but there is this another place with the most ballin' breadsticks."
MACK: Girl almost started crying last night because I dared her to eat a breadstick and she told me that was cheating on Breadstix with Olive Garden.
SANTANA: Holly's a gunch. And that wasn't so much an insult as it was a straight-up description.
(The Lima Branch – where Terri is now on the phone with Will)
"I understand. I understand. No, we'd be more than happy to take her back," Terri says. "How did this happen exactly?"
"It was that flat tire, I swear! If that hadn't happened, I would've persuaded Holly into staying. I know it, Ter."
Terri smiles. "And what a freak accident, too! Flat tires almost never happen."
"I have to admit, I was a little nervous about the Lima Branch at first, but this – this just seems like fate. And after what Holly pulled, I'm rooting for you guys. I really and truly am. Be sure to pass along the message to everyone in the branch."
"Oh, I will. Most of them are still pretty hungover though," Terri replies. "They've all congregated around April's desk because I think she's a witch doctor or something."
"I don't even care, Terri. I'm going to take you out on an expensive date tonight. This has made me realize how incredibly special you are and how much you mean to Lima."
"Sing my praises all you want, Will," Terri grins. "Especially in bed. Speaking of which…"
TERRI: Good things happen to those who intentionally let the air out of their boyfriend's tires. I'm living proof of that. I schemed hard and got a reward. As for Holly, I guess it just goes to show you that I'm not the worst Dunder Mifflin Regional Manager. I'm also never taking down her E-Harmony page. That bitch will forever have monkey pox on the internet. If you ask me, the punishment fits the crime. Yep, those things will always come back to bite you in the ass unless your selfish reasons for doing something turn into selfless reasons for doing something. That's the true spirit of Christmas – and maybe Hanukkah, I'm not too sure. Kwanzaa's a complete mystery to me.
