Chapter 32: Present
There was silence in the infirmary for a long time after she was done. Hawk felt numb, shocked beyond words at what Cam had just told him. He knew there were sick, twisted people who took pictures while they were hurting children, and he knew it was Liv's job to find those people and arrest them…but he'd never once stopped to think about what happened to those that Olivia and other officers like her didn't find, and what happened to their child victims when they grew up.
A lot of things suddenly made sense; why her body looked like it had never been treated, why she hadn't gotten any cosmetic surgery after she recovered. She'd been eighteen, traumatized, barely alive, and terrified of being sent back into an utterly intolerable situation—a situation that she'd been willing to die to escape from because there had been no other way out.
Shana's voice was quiet. "At fifteen I was getting my first black belt. At eighteen I was worrying about ducking curfew and going out shopping with my friends and whether my Dad was going to like the next boy I wanted to date and when I was going to get my first car. I was looking forward to college and I had a loving family, a father and three brothers who spoiled me and petted me and at the same time trained me to be self-sufficient and capable and able to defend myself. Cameron, I can't imagine what you went through. You're an incredibly strong young woman."
"But you see now why I said I deserved to get burned. I set the fire and I deliberately kept my aunt and uncle from escaping the house when it burned. I killed them. I'm a murderer."
Hawk shook his head emphatically. "I'll have to say I don't agree with you on that. I think you did what you thought you had to, and that guilt is misplaced. But I'm not going to argue with you on that, Cam, because I'm not law enforcement and I don't know how they would view the incident. But I know someone who is, someone who I know will listen, and I'd like to take you to meet her this evening, if you're willing. She and her friend were involved in a top-secret classified military operation with us earlier this year, so they'll keep your secret if I ask them to, and I know her to be completely fair and empathetic, and she's spent her entire career hunting down and finding pedophiles like your uncle. I'm going to let her talk to you. All right?"
Cam was silent for a long moment, then shrugged. "All right. I don't think you're right, I think she'll want to arrest me on the spot, but I can't stop you from doing what you want to do. You're my commanding officer, after all."
"No, Cam. I'm not going to order you to go. You don't have to if you really don't want to. But I think talking to her about it will help you stop having those flashbacks and help you start finding some emotional healing, as well as put some very ugly ghosts to rest."
Cam nodded, but there was a defeated slump to her shoulders. "I'll go. Jennifer told me I couldn't run from it forever, and she was right, so I might as well face it." She leaned her head back on the pillow.
"Let's let you get some rest. I'll come find you when I'm ready to go. Come on, Shana." Shana rose from the bed after giving Cam's shoulder a last comforting hug, and left with Hawk.
Clayton opened the door to the hallway and almost walked right into Charlie. "Charlie!" Then he saw the look on Charlie's face. "How much did you hear?"
"Enough. Too much." Charlie's voice was soft. "I won't tell anyone. It is her wish that these matters remain private, and I will respect the request of a warrior. I won't even let her know that I know. I actually just stopped to give her this." He held up a small leather pouch.
"What is it?" Shana asked.
"Carving tools for the flute. She has not started working on it, so I thought perhaps she didn't have tools. I got her some."
Yeah, sure you did. Hawk recognized those as Charlie's personal tools. He buried that knowledge and said, "Go on in. I'm sure right now she'll welcome a friend and a change in topic."
After Charlie went in he watched Shana slump against the wall. "Are you okay?"
"I will be. Jesus Christ, Clayton, I've never heard anything that bad before." She cleared her throat, pushed away from the wall, buried her feelings. "All right. I know that she wanted it kept private, but I do want to let Allie know since she'll be helping me with the court-martial."
"And through the two of you Snake Eyes and Flint will also know, and since you four will be the ones she deals with most often when Doc releases her to active duty, you'll know what to do if she flashes back in training and how to handle it." Clayton nodded. "Good. Go ahead." He watched Shana stride off down the hall, knew that after she talked to Lady Jaye, both women would be going to their respective lovers and they'd find their own comfort and solace from their men. It helped having someone to share things like this with, and he fully intended to share this with Liv that evening, whether Cam went with him or not. He was ninety-nine percent positive that Liv wouldn't blame Cam for it, but he couldn't be entirely, completely sure until he talked to her. Or Cam talked to her. Either would work.
He returned to his office, stared at his desk. At the piles of paperwork sitting on it, at the stuff that he had to do, and he sat down and pulled a sheet of paper toward him, filling in every blank, scribbling his signature where it was indicated. He worked mechanically through the first stack, part of his mind busy with the minutia on the sheet of paper in front of him and the rest of his mind quietly processing what he'd heard that morning.
He finished the first stack, started on the second. When he reached the end of that and he realized there were no other forms he needed to fill out, nothing left that required his attention, he turned his attention back to those papers and started single-mindedly filing them, using the excuse of having to clear his desk as a way to keep occupied as he mentally digested the events of the last month.
He was just putting the last file folder away when he heard a tap on his office door, and he turned to see Allie, Shana, Dash, and Snake Eyes standing in the doorway—and they were all out of uniform, so this wasn't formal. Their eyes flicked to his clean desktop, and then they stepped in. Dash closed the door.
Dash took one chair, Allie took the other. Snake Eyes remained standing, and contrary to her usual custom, instead of sitting on his desk (which she normally took every opportunity to do whenever his desk was clear) Shana stood next to him, their shoulders just lightly brushing each other's. Her eyes were still slightly red, but Hawk bit his lip; she wouldn't appreciate him calling attention to the fact that she'd been crying, most likely on Snake Eyes' shoulder.
Dash broke the silence. "Jesus, Clayton. I couldn't believe it when Allie told me." He was holding her hand, squeezing it gently.
"It kinda hit me hard, too," He gave up the attempt at looking busy and threw himself down in his chair. "I've never heard anything so horrible. She's eighteen and she wanted to die because there was no other way out."
"Three years. Three years living in a basement, and the only people she saw were people who just wanted to hurt her." Allie drew a shaky breath. "I was looking forward to college when I was eighteen."
"I was bugging my Dad for a car. And arguing about curfew." Shana shook her head.
Snake Eyes moved slightly, and everyone's eyes flicked to his hands. What are you going to do now?
Hawk sighed. "I realize that, from a completely legal standpoint, I should probably report her as a murderer and turn her over. But…I just can't. She's not responsible for what she did, and when you look at what she looks like now….I think those three months she spent lying on a bed on the reservation delirious with pain is all the punishment she should receive. And even that's too much; what she's already been through should count."
That's if she's telling the truth.
"I don't think she would lie about something like that, Snake Eyes. And all you have to do is look at her to know that every word is true. Her burns, the lack of medical care, the damage done to her body." Shana faced him hotly.
I don't think she's lying either, but what if she is? Snake Eyes turned to Hawk. Does her personnel file have her addresses and places where she lived as a child? Can we look up records and find out if everything checks?
"I can ask Liv to check it out. I want to take Cam to see her this evening. Liv's been dealing with victims her whole career, she'll be able to tell if Cam's lying and she'll be able to check out facts for me." Hawk went to the personnel file cabinet, pulled Cam's folder out. "You're welcome to look, however." As his personnel clerk, Allie had a right; as his second in command, Dash also had the right.
"Here it is. Lakeview apartments, Number 4 East 107th. It's in East Harlem, between FDR Dr and Central Park—in fact, it overlooks Manhattan reservoir, so I guess that's why it's called Lakeview. I'm going into the city tomorrow, so I'll check it out," Shana said, and Allie nodded."All right. In the meantime, let's get Cam into the Hummer and head on out to Liv's place. I don't want to get there too late and catch her going to sleep."
"Ettienne didn't tell me we were going to have visitors," Alex blinked as she opened the door and saw Clayton, Shana, Allie, and Cam standing there.
"This was sort of a spur of the moment thing," Clayton said. "I didn't even think…is Liv home? I really wanted to talk to her.
"What am I, chopped liver?" But Alex's smile was warm. "She's in the shower. Come on in. I see you brought someone new."
"Alex, this is Corporal Cameron Arlington, Ranger with the 75th, currently on special assignment with us until we get this court-martial thing squared away. Cam, this is Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot, formerly with the ICC and also, formerly, my Private."
"Formerly?"
Alex cleared her throat. "It's a long story, and if I told you I'd have to shoot you. And while I can shoot—quite well, in fact—I prefer not to shoot my guests. Spoils the evening." She grinned at Cam, who chuckled nervously. "I don't want to do that. So come on in, have a seat. Liv's in the bathroom finishing up her shower; let me go let her know we have company." The Joes seated themselves on various bits of furniture in the living room, Clayton pre-empting a stool from the eat-in kitchen, and they waited.
In less time than Clayton thought was possible Olivia was in the living room, scrubbing at her hair with a towel and glaring at him. "You did not tell me you were coming, or I would have made sure I was decent when you got here," she said accusingly to him.
"It was kind of a spur of the moment thing, Liv," he said placatingly as he got up and dropped a kiss on her cheek lightly. He really, really wanted to kiss that full, adorably pouting lip, but he wasn't sure he wouldn't shock Cam if he did, so he settled for a kiss on the cheek."I had someone I wanted you to meet. Cam Arlington's a new addition to my team. Cam, this is Detective Olivia Benson, NYPD."
"Um. Hi." Cam stood, shaking Liv's hand as Olivia smiled warmly. "I bet you can't wait." She said, gesturing to the protruding baby bump.
Olivia laughed. "Got that right. I can't wait to be able to see my feet again, to be able to tie my shoes and zip up a nice pair of jeans."
"How far along are you?"
"About halfway. Feels like forever sometimes, though." Olivia sat down in one of the single chairs, Clayton sat on the arm of the chair, and Shana scooted off the couch and sat cross-legged on the floor to give Alex a seat on the couch. "All right, I know you didn't come here to discuss how eager I am to get this baby out of me. What's up?" And she directed her question to Cam, not the others.
Cam took a deep breath. "I need to confess a murder. Two murders."
Alex sucked in a breath. Olivia didn't move, but her voice took on a subtly different tone, gentle but persuasive. "You don't look like a serial killer to me."
"I killed my aunt and uncle eight years ago. I set fire to the house and I prevented them from leaving."
"And why did you do that?" there was no accusation in Olivia's voice; her tone was pleasant and even.
"They…hurt…me."
Olivia said gently, "Tell me about it."
Slowly, under Olivia's gentle coaxing, the story came out. Far from being the emotion-ridden story of the morning, this was slightly more restrained, Clayton believed because Cam was emotionally and mentally exhausted. Halfway through her narrative, Alex quietly slipped a yellow legal pad out of her briefcase and started taking notes.
Oh Jesus, Alex is going to want to prosecute, Clayton thought helplessly, but there was nothing he could do about it, so he stayed silent.
After Cam finished her story, Olivia said, "Cam, why do you think you're guilty of murder?"
"I…I killed my aunt and uncle. They were trying to escape their burning bedroom and I wouldn't let them."
"And you weren't trying to escape yourself?" Cam shook her head. "Why?"
"I…I didn't…I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to die. There was no way out, they…they would have killed me eventually. Some of the people they brought were starting to say I wasn't attractive enough anymore, I didn't look young enough anymore. When…when they first started coming they were really careful not to cut me or leave scars, but as time went by they started to not care anymore."
"And you thought they were going to kill you?"
"I…yes, they…I heard them talking to my uncle one day about how much they could pay him for a movie where they could kill me." Clayton listened, horrified. The room was silent except for Alex's pen scribbling on the pad.
"Wouldn't it have made sense for them to keep you alive, so they could make more money?" Clayton stared at Olivia, about to yell at her for grilling Cam, then shut up when he saw her face. This was just as hard on Liv as it was on Cam.
"When I first went to live with them, my aunt told me once when she was mad at me that she could just send me back and get another one. I didn't understand what she meant at the time but I figured later that they probably meant they could find another little girl to be their 'niece' and make money from her."
"So at the time you shoved them back in that burning bedroom, what was going through your mind?"
"I wanted them to die. I guess…I didn't care if I lived or died either, as long as I could keep them from doing this to anyone else ever again."
"So you weren't angry, you didn't want revenge, you didn't want to live. You just wanted them to stop hurting you and make sure they couldn't hurt anyone else, is that it?" Olivia said. Cam nodded mutely. "Cam, I'm not disputing that you killed them. I'm not disputing that you wanted them to die. But what you just told me erases all of that. They isolated you, systematically cut you off from the rest of the world, did unimaginable things to you and hurt you, and at the time you started the fire you'd been without meaningful human contact for three years. When you pushed them back into the room and prevented them from leaving you weren't thinking about revenge, you wanted to make sure they'd never be able to hurt anyone else like you were hurt. You were protecting others at the same time you were defending yourself."
"It wasn't self defense, it…it was night and they were asleep…"
Alex leaned forward. "It was self-defense. Cam, in order for it to be self defense you had to feel in danger for your life. Which you were; you told Liv that," she flipped a couple of pages, "they talked about killing you in front of you. You were terrified they were going to murder you. And so you did the only thing you could think of, the only thing you knew you could do to make it end. You didn't murder your aunt and uncle, Cam, you defended yourself and anyone else they might have chosen to come after you. Do you understand?"
