Derek sighed as he stepped out of the tiny bathroom in the trailer, his eyes landing on his wife as she lay curled on his side of the bed, his Bowdoin sweatshirt enveloping her completely. She was staring at the wall in front of her, a hand resting lightly on her stomach.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. The plane ride hadn't exactly been easy, and Meredith had spent a good portion of it in the bathroom, throwing up. She'd been silent since they'd returned to the trailer, lost in thought.

"Okay," she whispered.

"Okay," Derek sighed, sitting down to face her on the bed, reaching out to stroke her hair. "So we need to talk."

"I know," Meredith whispered, taking a deep breath before she sat up, crossing her legs at she looked at him expectantly. "I'm pregnant."

"You're pregnant," Derek nodded, looking down at her stomach, resisting the urge to touch it.

"And…I don't know what I want."

Derek nodded, hoping that she would really open up to him this time, that they could decided this now.

"You want to keep it."

"I do," Derek nodded. "I want to feel my baby inside of you, Mer. I want to see a beautiful child grow up that's a perfect combination of you and me. But I only want that if you do."

"But if I didn't," Meredith sighed. "You would resent me. And then our marriage would be over."

"No," Derek shook his head.

"You would, Derek," she said, tears building in her eyes. "Because you want to be a father. You'd be an amazing father."

"But I want you," Derek said softly. "And I know you want babies. The candles…you want babies."

"I do," she said softly.

"Just not now."

"Not now," she agreed.

"So it's okay," he sighed. "Or not okay, but…understandable. You've been through a lot the past couple weeks, almost too much."

"Part of me really wants this baby," Meredith whispered. "But I really don't know if I want it because I'm ready or if I want it because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't have it."

"Hmmm," Derek sighed, leaning into him. "Why don't we talk about why you wouldn't want it?"

"What?" Meredith asked.

"You obviously have very strong feelings both ways," Derek said. "And you can't have this baby just because of me, Mer. You can't. So we'll think about the reasons you're scared to have it, and tackle each one of them."

"I'm a resident."

"Bailey was a resident when she had her baby."

"And now her husband wants a divorce."

"Oh," Derek said, suddenly realizing that maybe her fears were legitimate. "That won't happen."

"How do you know?" she asked. "How do you know that I won't become some crazy, career driven nazi who wants to spend time in the OR instead of being a mom? What happens when I'm called out of surgery because our son or daughter breaks their arm and I tell them that they deserved it for climbing on the monkey bars before I return to surgery?"

Derek frowned, briefly confused about the specifics of her statement before realization set in. "You're worried about turning into your mom," he whispered. "She did that to you."

"That's another reason," Meredith whispered.

"If there is one thing I'm sure of about this, it's that you're going to be an incredible mother," Derek breathed. "I've watched you with kids, Mer. And I know that you're not exactly thrilled about this baby, but if we decide to do this, I know that you will love him or her with everything you have in you."

"I want kids," Meredith nodded. "And I think…I think I could be a mom before I'm a doctor."

"Good," Derek said, reaching out to link their fingers together. "What else scares you about this?"

"We don't have a house."

"We can start that tomorrow," Derek nodded. "And put a rush on it. We can afford that."

"Moving with a newborn would be hard."

"We could do it a little at a time," Derek shrugged. "My sisters have done it. The nursery can be the first room we decorate."

"George and Izzie are gone."

"Oh," Derek whispered, not having any response to that particular argument. He wasn't sure how to comfort her.

"And I know that it might sound stupid," she sighed. "I just…they died, Derek. We most likely conceived this baby on the night that they died. And how can I bring a new life into a world where my two best friends are dead? How is that fair at all? They were going to be Aunt Izzie and Uncle George."

"The same way I have to bring a life into a world where by dad was murdered," Derek whispered.

"Oh," Meredith whispered, suddenly looking up at him with wide eyes, full of worry and fear.

"You're not the only one who's scared, Mer," he breathed. "But I hope that we can do this. I really want to do this."

"I know you do," she said, looking down at their joined hands for a moment before she hesitantly pulled his hand to her stomach, pushing the sweatshirt she was wearing out of the way so his hand made contact with her bare skin. "I think…I think I could love this baby."

"I want to love it," Derek whispered.

"But you don't?"

"I can't," Derek shook his head, tears filling his eyes. "Because if we don't…if you don't want this baby, I can't love it. I can't let myself love it until we're positive that we're going through with it."

"Oh," Meredith whispered. "That makes sense."

Derek looked at her closely for a moment before he asked, "What do you think? Should we do this?"

"Christina says that George and Izzie would want me to have the baby," she whispered as she ran a hand over her stomach.

Derek wasn't sure why he was surprised that Meredith had talked to Christina, but he was. And her words struck a nerve in his own brain as well. "I think she's right," he murmured.

Meredith nodded, staying still for a moment before she shifted, cuddling into him and resting her head against his shoulder. "Is this okay?" she whispered, fisting his shirt in her hands.

"Of course," Derek frowned, planting a kiss to the top of her head before he wrapped his arms tightly around her. "Why wouldn't it be okay?"

"Because we're weird," she whispered. "I hate it, but we're weird.

"I think we're just trying not to hurt each other," Derek sighed. "So we need to be completely honest about this."

"Honest," Meredith whispered. "Okay."

"You want me to go first?" Derek asked.

"Please."

"Okay," he took a deep breath before he shifted so that he could look into her eyes. "I love you, Meredith. More than anything. And I want to live this baby. I can't wait to build our house and really start our life together. I really want you to have this baby because the thought of having a baby with you makes me happier than anything I could ever imagine. It would really make my life complete."

"What else?" Meredith asked, and he briefly wondered when she had become so good at reading him.

Derek inhaled deeply, hoping that he could say this without upsetting her. "I love you," he said. "And I will always love you. But…if we don't go through with this pregnancy, I don't know how it would work."

"What?" Meredith asked, her eyes wide and panicking. "I'll do it, Derek. I'll have this baby, if you're going to leave. I can't do this, Derek, I can't be without you. So if that's what it takes to make sure that you'll stay with me, then I'll do it."

"Mer, that's not what I meant," he said. "I just…we're being honest, and I wanted to make sure that we really are honest. But you can't have this baby because you're afraid of losing me because that's never going to happen. I love you, Meredith, and we're not going to end. Ever. I just meant that things would be awkward for a while between the two of us, and I wasn't sure how that would work. I hate that we've been awkward."

"Me too," she whispered.

"Don't be scared of losing me," Derek whispered. "That's something that will never happen."

"No running," Meredith whispered.

"No running," Derek nodded.

"Now it's my turn," Meredith said, taking a deep breath. "I can think of so many reasons not to do this. Having a baby right now…there's so much in my life right now that's uncertain. And I could probably start listing reasons now of why I'd be a terrible mother, and why this wouldn't work and by the time the baby's born, the list would only be half done. But when I really think about it…I think I really want this baby."

"What are you saying?" Derek asked, holding his breath in anticipation.

"I think I still don't know," Meredith said. "But...it's easier for me to imagine having this baby now than it was a week ago."

"Oh," Derek smiled. "Good."

"So…you're okay with giving me time?" she asked.

"I am," Derek nodded. "You need to think about this. And we know where the other stands, so we can really make sure that we make the right decision. For both of us."

"Thank you," Meredith sighed, slipping under the blankets. "Sleep now?"

"We have to work tomorrow," Derek said as he turned the light out and moved to pull her into his arms.

"The first time since George and Izzie," Meredith nodded against his chest.

"It will be okay," Derek sighed, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too," she breathed. "Good night."

XXXXX

"No!"

Derek was awoken a few hours later to Meredith thrashing in bed, her legs kicking at his shins as her hands tried to fight the sheets off of her. "Mer.."

"No!" she shouted. "I won't do it!"

"Meredith," he breathed, taking her hands and forcing them onto the bed, trying to wake her. "It's okay. Just wake up."

Meredith whimpered slightly, but her eyes fluttered open and she looked into his eyes. Hers were glossy and scared, but she was awake. "Derek."

"Hey," he said, reaching out to cup her face in his hand. "What was that all about?"

"I had a dream," she whispered as a hand went down to her stomach.

"Obviously," Derek nodded, not missing her move. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Izzie and George were there," Meredith whispered. "And there was a baby. On the ground."

"Our baby?" Derek asked softly.

"I think so," Meredith whispered. "But it was…cold. So cold. And I was so excited to see George and Izzie that I didn't even see it. But they wouldn't talk to me. They just kept telling me that the baby was dead because of me. It was my fault."

Derek squeezed her hand, but was silent as he waited for her to continue.

"And then Izzie said that I shouldn't do it," Meredith breathed. "Because even though this baby's not planned, it's still a baby. Our baby. And we love each other, so we don't have the right to kill our baby."

"Is that what you really think?" Derek whispered.

"I…maybe," she sighed. "But then George said that he felt sorry for the baby. Not because it had died, but because it missed out on having an amazing mother."

"I agree with George," Derek whispered.

"Right," Meredith said. "I'm scared, Derek."

"Me too," he nodded. "Terrified."

"But you really think we can do this?"

"I do," Derek nodded, trying to ignore his pounding heart. "Together."

"No running," Meredith said before a soft smile spread across her face. "We should go into work early tomorrow."

"What?" Derek frowned, not following her sudden change in behavior.

"So I can go see Dr. Cooper," Meredith said, referring to the new head of obstetrics. "I figured you'd want the best for our baby."

"You…really?" Derek asked, a wide smile spreading slowly across his face.

"Yes," she nodded.

"And you're sure?" Derek asked. "Because if you're not sure, we can take more time. I can't…if you say this, we can't go back on it. I can't get happy about this if you're not one hundred per cent positive."

"I am," she said, lifting her shirt to look down at her belly. "Say hi to your daddy," she whispered.

"Oh Mer," Derek breathed, kissing her deeply before he moved to rest his head against her stomach. "Hi Baby Shepherd."

"He or she can't hear you."

"Doesn't matter."

"They're the size of a grape."

"A perfect grape."

"You're weird."

"I'm the father of your baby," he frowned. "You can't call me weird."

"I hope my kids aren't weird," she sighed. She looked down at her stomach before she said, "When you're growing try to get Mommy's brain. Because Daddy is crazy and kind of stupid, so…remember to get Mommy's brain."

"You're mean," Derek sighed, pressing his lips to her stomach.

Meredith looked down at him for a moment, burying her fingers in his thick dark hair before she whispered his name.

"Hmm?" he asked, raising his head to meet hers.

"I know it's early," she said. "Really early. But…for names or middle names or something…"

"George for a boy, Isabel for a girl," Derek smiled.

"Middle names," Meredith said. "You're okay with that?"

"Definitely," Derek nodded. "We can wait awhile to figure out first names, but I like that idea."

"Thank you."

"Thank you," Derek breathed. "Mer…this is the most incredible feeling in the world."

"I know," she sighed.

"Are you happy?" he asked.

"I…I will be," she nodded. "I'm still trying to figure this whole happy and sad at the same time thing out."

"Okay," Derek nodded.

"And I was thinking that I might go back to Dr. Wyatt," Meredith added, looking down at her hands.

"Oh," Derek said, his body stiffening.

"Not because of you or because I want to drown myself or anything," Meredith shook her head quickly. "Because I don't, Derek, really. But everything in my life is so big, and I don't want to go back to being dark and twisty."

"Okay," he nodded. "You can talk to me, you know."

"I know," she sighed. "But you're my husband. And Dr. Wyatt knows what she's talking about."

"Are you hinting that I don't know what I'm talking about?" Derek asked.

"Maybe," Meredith giggled.

"Mean," Derek sighed. "Baby Shepherd, don't be mean like your mommy. She likes to make fun of Daddy."

"I love you," Meredith breathed as she settled into his arms and he sighed contentedly as he rubbed her stomach softly. He was having a baby. Really truly having a baby, and he suddenly felt happier than he had since his Post it note wedding.