Chapter 9
Merlin's mind was telling him to wake up, but he refused, if such a thing was possible. He didn't want to open his eyes to see a dark cave covered in jewels and dead unicorns and nymphs and all types of magical beings. That man had been sick. His collection had maliciously and prematurely robbed life the magical world, only to leave it trapped in death inside a hostile environment. It made Merlin sick to think about. And worse yet, the sorcerer had most likely re-consolidated Arthur's conditioned fear of magic.
Maybe it would be better for me to just lie here in this cave and die of my wounds, he thought sadly. The look of absolutely betrayal, laced with the tiniest hint of fear, held in Arthur's eyes did not sit well with Merlin.
You're not in the cave anymore. Open your eyes and look around.
Merlin gave a quiet shaky sigh and obeyed his mind. Relief slowly soothed the nausea in his stomach when he realized that one, he was indeed out of the dreaded place, and two, that his body was miraculously healed. Gone was the inflamed agony circling his neck and wrists. Gone was the fatigue that had made him dizzy. Even the pain in his thigh had disappeared. Merlin knew he had both Arthur and his own magic to thank for that. The dread in his heart was somewhat lessened upon realizing that Arthur helped him survive. But maybe only to kill me later? Merlin told his mind to shut the hell up.
A moment of self-checking and severe disappointment revealed that no, his gender mishap had not been cured along with his wounds. He would still have to surrender his mind to Tenaya to heal that particular mistake.
It was mid-afternoon, by the looks of it. Sun was streaming in through the trees, its rays bouncing off the clear pool of water a few feet in front of where he sat. The horses slept nearby, relieving their exhaustion. This place is beautiful.
A subtle clearing of a man's throat shattered Merlin's appreciation of his surroundings and summoned back all of Merlin's the worry and stress. Arthur. He was sitting with his back against a tree trunk about five feet away from Merlin, near the horses.
Slowly, Merlin turned his head to meet Arthur's eyes. He almost recoiled. There was nothing in them. He had expected confusion, pain, and betrayal, like he had seen in the cave. No emotion whatsoever leaked through his blue eyes. The other man seemed to be more tired than anything else. Merlin knew that his own eyes were filled with fear, regret and guilt.
Arthur's mouth seemed to struggle for a moment as he decided on how to open up the conversation. He had a thousand questions to ask, but did not know where to begin. He knew though, that he wanted to deal with the simplest questions first, and procrastinate breaching the subject of Merlin's magic.
"Why are we here?" he said, voice flat.
Merlin's eyes widened. To start at such a place meant that Arthur had already accepted Mel's identity to be fabricated.
Merlin sighed. "I… I talk in my sleep," he replied, his voice shaking. He cleared his throat and ignored Arthur's piercing look. "Three days ago I woke up as a female, without any clue as to how I'd done it or how to reverse it," he chanced a look at Arthur. Astonishingly, the man appeared to be struggling not to laugh.
"Are you serious," he asked, his voice strained. Arthur now had no doubt that this woman sitting in front of him was really his idiot manservant. He struggled to keep the corners of his mouth down as he imagined Merlin's first few moments as a girl. He gasped and his eyes widened. "That explains why you ran away from – from seeing me naked and," - he froze and his fists clenched the soil beneath them – "I kissed you!"
Merlin felt his face heat up. He averted his eyes from Arthur's shocked ones.
"Why – why didn't you tell me, two nights ago!" Arthur was assuming that a whole night had passed in the cave, putting that much time in between now and his heated session with Mel in the forest. Mortification and embarrassment sat like a stone in his stomach. He had been kissing Merlin the entire time!
"I tried to! I said stop, but you wouldn't listen, and then when you finally did, and I almost told you the truth, I –"
"You passed out," Arthur finished for him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered again.
"And in Gaius's office? Why not tell me then?"
Merlin shook his head and buried his face in his hands. "I – I don't know! It was all happening so fast – and if I had told you, you would never have come with me on this quest!"
Arthur's curiousity buried his embarrassment. "And I ask again, why the hell are we here? If Merlin," he gave a punctuated sigh and gestured towards him, "if you are not sick in bed in Camelot, then what's the reason behind this quest?"
Merlin gestured to his body. "To fix this," he said.
"How?"
Merlin sighed again. He was about to reveal another secret to Arthur, and was unsure how it would be accepted. "There was only place I could go for help, only one being that could offer a solution to my stupidity," said Merlin.
Arthur's curiousity peaked despite himself. "Who?"
Merlin chewed on his lip. How much truth could Arthur handle?
"Merlin, who did you ask?" A growing sense of foreboding in Arthur's gut told him that he would not like Merlin's answer. Well, it wasn't like he wasn't used to that feeling by now.
"Kilgarrah. He's a – he's the dragon that's been imprisoned below the castle since the Great Purge," he said, his voice cautious.
A tense silence followed. Arthur almost felt like laughing. Surely this was a joke, and Mel was just a very good story teller, and Merlin really was back at home, and obviously there was no dragon beneath the castle!
Arthur's silence spurred Merlin to keep talking.
"Uther captured and chained him there twenty years ago. And," Merlin swallowed nervously, "ever since I came to Camelot, I've been seeking his guidance. Though," Merlin snorted and rolled his eyes, "he can be annoyingly cryptic." He paused and waited for Arthur to say something. It seemed that either Arthur was having a heart attack, if the throbbing vein in the man's temple was any indication, or he was actually letting Merlin continue with his answer. "After he laughed at me for about five minutes, he told me if I sought out the sorceress Tenaya in the Eastern Mountains, she would open my mind and might revive whatever spell I cast upon myself,"
Arthur snapped to attention at Merlin's story. A sorceress would have to delve into Merlin's mind?
"But," Merlin continued, uneasy now, "Kilgarrah said that my mind would have to stronger than hers, or else… or else I'd be her captive and – well, you get the rest."
Arthur glared at Merlin. "No, I don't get it. I don't get any of it." In his anger Arthur moved nearer to Merlin, looking only at his blue eyes to avoid looking at the rest of the body. "Why the hell didn't you ever tell me you're a sorcerer?"
Merlin backed up slightly against the tree trunk, suddenly afraid of how close Arthur was. He knew thought that he had to stand his ground. Sensing that Merlin was weak and afraid would only aggravate Arthur's character more, and Merlin could not afford sending him away. He would need all the help he could get in staying strong against the sorceress that would soon pry his mind open.
"You would have ordered my death under Uther's rule," he said, desperately hoping that reality did not wait for him once they returned to Camelot.
"And what makes you so sure that still won't happen?"
Merlin's heart and stomach plummeted. "You – you said the other day that you felt like someone was always there in the sidelines, protecting you and making sure everything worked out – that was me, every time!" He was breathing heavier now, desperately needing Arthur to believe him, to trust that he had always used his magic for good. "I never, never used my magic to endanger you, or threaten you or - " Merlin was nearly choking on his frustration – "I've had to hide from you all this time who I really am! I've had to stand by and watch as Uther condemned and murdered innocent people just because of their choice to practice magic! And me, I wasn't even given that choice! I was born like this! And I know you're going to say that's impossible, but I'm living proof that it is possible!" Merlin stopped to exhale a shaky breath. Everything he had been wanting tell Arthur was coming out in a rushed confession. His mouth wasn't moving as fast as his mind.
Arthur sat back on his heels, giving Merlin some much needed space. The confession seemed to vibrate in the air, tense and in desperate need of Arthur's acknowledgment. He sat in stunned silence as Merlin sighed and collected himself.
"Back when we were in Ealdor, you asked me why I'd left. I said it was because things had changed, I didn't fit in anymore," his eyes met Arthur's. "Will was never the sorcerer, I was. He sacrificed himself to protect you and me. My mother was furious when he found out about me because it meant that one more person knew that my very birthright was a death sentence. I… I had to leave. It was horrible and tense and – and - "
"And Camelot's been better than that? Where everyday you're surrounded by the very hands of Uther's laws against magic?" Arthur couldn't understand how a small village could be less hostile than Camelot for someone like Merlin.
"Gaius took me in at my mother's request. She knew he wouldn't condemn me. He's protected me, while I've had to struggle each day not to make stupid mistakes," Merlin said, ignoring the irony of his current situation. "He's taught me so much. He's taught me how to control my birthright, how to use it properly so that I can protect you for your enemies!" Merlin's voice grew intense as he urged Arthur to see how much he'd given up for the Prince, how much he cared for his life.
"My destiny is to protect you, Arthur, so that you can one day be the greatest King this land has ever known," Merlin said quietly. "I'm sorry that you had to find out this way, and I'm sorry that we're here right now, and in this mess." Merlin gave a tired chuckle as he looked down at his female body. "I may be a powerful sorcerer, but I still make mistakes just like everybody else."
Arthur snorted. "Clearly," he said.
Merlin looked at Arthur, searching his eyes for any kind of answer to his confessions. He swallowed past the dry lump in his throat. "What… how do you feel? About - about this?" About me?
Arthur sighed and sat cross-legged. He rubbed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I know it's a lot to take in at once, and I'm sorry for that," Merlin said timidly. The fact that Arthur had not bolted, or slayed him, made Merlin immensely hopeful about his immediate future.
"Right now Merlin, I don't know what to think. I feel like I don't even know you anymore," he said. "One thing I do know is that you're a far better actor and liar than I ever thought possible."
Merlin grimaced. "I had to lie about my magic until I felt it was safe to tell you," he said.
"Yeah? And when was that going to be?"
"When I was confident that you weren't going to have me killed! It doesn't matter anymore," Merlin said, suddenly tired of this whole conversation.
Arthur shot Merlin a glare. He rose to stand up. "Well it matters to me!" he shouted. "You didn't trust me! How can I trust you, now that I know you were lying to me this whole time! You – I cared for you! And not just as Mel, but as - " Arthur broke off, his mouth firm. He went over to the horses.
Panic swelled in Merlin. Arthur couldn't leave! "No, no Arthur, please, don't leave! I'm sorry! You have to understand why I couldn't tell you!" He got up and stumbled over to Arthur, his muscles still weak from their ordeal in the caves. Without thinking, he put both hands on Arthur's upper arm in a desperate attempt to stop his escape.
Arthur whipped around and threw Merlin's hands off him, disgust written on his face. "Don't touch me!"
"Please, please don't leave, I can't – I can't face her on my own!" Merlin felt disgusted with himself, to be admitting such weakness to Arthur, but he had no choice now. If Arthur couldn't trust him, maybe he could pity him. Tears welled up in Merlin's eyes. "I'll be vulnerable to anything kept in her caves!
"I don't care!" Arthur lied. His anger at being betrayed for so long and the shock at having learned both Merlin's magical nature and Mel's true identity sapped at his strength and desire to remain in Merlin's company.
Merlin balked at Arthur. He wanted to ask Arthur how he could say such a thing, when Merlin had come to Arthur's aid so many times in the past. But his mouth wasn't working. He stared in shock as Arthur mounted a horse. Without a second glance back, Arthur left.
No! How could he leave?
This was worse than anything else, anything that had thus far victimized Merlin. Arthur knew what was at stake, knew that Merlin had risked his own life for Arthur in the past, yet he had still left.
Merlin collapsed to the ground. Did he deserve this? Would Merlin stay to protect Arthur, if their situations were reversed?
Which truth had caused Arthur to leave?
Merlin cradled his head in his hands. He supposed he could be thankful that Arthur had least left behind Merlin's horse.
Arthur urged his horse on for half an hour before guilt, regret and shame finally stopped him. He couldn't shake from his vision how pale Mel's – Merlin's – face had turned when Arthur had moved to untie his horse, how Merlin's strength had seemingly evaporated when Arthur had claimed he didn't care about his future. His courageous side worthy of being Prince was in disbelief – how could he have left a woman alone in the forest like that? Especially when that woman was really someone he deeply cared for.
And hadn't Merlin said that his mind had to be superior in strength to that of a powerful sorceress? Worse yet, Merlin had said that the sorceress's cave would be armed with hostile creatures intent on taking advantage of Merlin's vulnerability.
I really am a prat, Arthur thought weakly.
The betrayal behind Merlin's secrets seemed like nothing compared to what Arthur had done by leaving.
A headache throbbed into life in his right temple. Arthur tugged on the reigns of his horse, directing it to face the direction from whence they had just come. The horse gave an annoyed huff and pawed at the ground, as if to say 'Make up your goddamned mind, you annoying human!'
Arthur patted the horse's neck. "Sorry, I've made a mistake,"
The horse gave another huff. 'No shit,'
Merlin hadn't managed to get very far by the time he heard horse hooves. Panic flared in his heart – who would it be this time? An image of the tiny sorcerer who had capture him flared in his mind. He shook his head violently – No, he's dead. Cenrid then? Merlin wasn't sure if he was still even in Cenrid's Kingdom.
The horse hooves grew louder. Merlin dismounted from his own horse and prepared his mind and body for impending attack.
Arthur crashed through the trees and commanded his horse to stop feet from Merlin. Within a second he had dismounted and had caught Merlin in a fierce embrace. He buried his face in his long dark hair.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't – I don't know what came over me," he said in a rushed voice. He squeezed Merlin's small body close to his, trying to make him feel how sorry he was, how much he regretted leaving him alone in the forest.
Merlin was so shocked and relieved at Arthur's return that he said nothing. He couldn't. It all felt… too fragile. As if, if he spoke or moved, Arthur's resolve would break and he would run away again, leaving Merlin even more broken than before. Suspicion clouded Merlin's relief. He had to make sure this even was Arthur, and not a disguised minion of the Trinket Man set on getting revenge.
Arthur backed away from Merlin, sensing his tension. His eyes searched Merlin's. "Aren't – aren't you glad to see me?"
Merlin's eyes narrowed. "How did I become your manservant?"
Arthur blanched. "What? Merlin! Don't you believe it's me?"
"No, I don't! You were so keen just an hour ago of leaving me, of breaking our friendship! How am I to believe that - all of a sudden - you've changed your whole belief system and accepted me like nothing's happened?"
"But I've already -"
"Just answer the question! How did I become your servant?"
"You – you saved me from a witch's dagger! My Father rewarded you with the position as my servant," he said, eager to prove his identity.
Merlin regretted his question. It was too easy; everyone in the Kingdom knew the story. "Too general. What-"
Arthur rolled his eyes and re-mounted his horse. "Merlin, stop being such an idiot and get on your bloody horse! Or do you want to be stuck as a woman forever?"
Instantly Merlin felt more relieved. Only the real Arthur could be such a prat.
