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Chapter 9 Fighting It
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Bella sat in the lazy boy in the living room. Like she had for the last eight hours – staring at nothing and drawing an absent oval on the armrest with her right middle finger.
Charlie had gotten in a little after two in the morning with the sad news that Harry Clearwater had passed away. He had sat on the couch silently with her for nearly an hour, leaning his elbows on his knees, before he had finally mumbled something unintelligible and retired to his room. Presumably to sleep.
The tragedy of the situation aside, Bella was glad he was too distracted to ask why she was sitting in the living room in the dark, why she wasn't going to bed, or why she had a big fat purple hickey on her neck. There still was some justice in the world.
She knew Jacob would come eventually, and when he did, she didn't want to be in her bedroom.
For some reason.
So she wasn't surprised when she heard Jacob's whisper-soft steps down the stairs. He leaped over the couch with that cat-like lupine power and landed in a crouch before her, looking worriedly into her face.
Bella turned her head to stare pointedly off to the side.
"Honey, are you okay?" his large warm hand over hers stopped the finger which was still doing restless laps on the armrest.
Bella pulled her hand out from under his and twisted it with the other in the hem of her shirt.
Out of the corner of her eye she could see Jacob's gaze cataloguing her expression. It stopped abruptly on the bruise – even in the dim light of dawn it was probably like a neon sign against her pale skin – and he squeezed his eyes shut. A growl rumbled in his throat. "Did he hurt you, Bells?" he asked low and dangerous.
With a detached slowness Bella's gaze met his. She studied him a moment. "What's imprinting Jacob," she asked numbly.
Pressing his lips together, Jacob fell back heavily to sit on the floor in front of her. "It's like," he clicked his tongue thoughtfully, "this werewolf mating bond thing."
Bella continued to contemplate him with impassive eyes.
Jacob blinked uncomfortably and licked his lips. "Um, you know Sam and Emily? Emily is Sam's imprint."
When she still didn't even acknowledge that he had spoken, he continued, slowly and emphatically as if expecting her to freak out on the next each word. "After we Phase… some wolves imprint. When the guy sees his imprint for the first time … it's like – presto – pure obsession-ville. 'She's his whole world, his soul mate, she completes him, he can't live without her' or something stupid like that." Bella didn't miss the derisive twist he gave those words, as if he were skeptically repeating something someone else had told him. Bella guessed he was.
"And… um… Paul. Uh.. Paul, imprinted on you."
He stopped then and his gaze darted between her eyes worriedly. He held up his hand and waved it in front of Bella's face. "Uh, Bells?"
Bella cleared her throat. "M-mating bond?" she choked finally.
Jacob looked fearful for her sanity. "Uh, yeah. The Council says it's to make strong babies or some bullshit like that. Sam says it's to balance the wolf out. I don't know, it's wacky either way."
"Babies?" Bella squeaked.
Jacob smothered a smile in spite of himself and went up on his knees, placing his big hands on her upper arms. "Look Bells, it's fucked up. Just forget it, it doesn't have to mean anything. And Paul-… Paul doesn't even want it."
Bella swallowed. "Paul doesn't want me," she whispered hollowly. Why did that hurt so badly?
"No, it's not like that, honey," Jacob pulled her stiff body into a hug. "He's just fucked up. I told you."
Bella pulled back, shaking her head with distress. "B-but what's wrong with me?" She covered her face in her hands. Feeling like a rubber band that he been stretched too far and had finally snapped, she burst into tears. "Oh my God, Jake! I threw myself at him. Like some kind of- like some kind of hussy. I'm so sorry! I can't believe it! I don't know what's wrong with me! He must think I'm some sort of - Oh, my God! You must think I'm some - You must hate me now too! This is – I'm so-"
Her overwrought ramblings dissolved into full body sobs. All of the emotion she had tamped down over the last hours rose up like a tsunami with a strangling despair. She wept piteously.
Jacob pulled her off the chair and into his lap as he wrapped his arms around her. "Shhh, honey. It's okay. Shhh. I could never hate you, Bells. I'm not mad, honest. Shh," he soothed frantically.
As her sobs quieted, she pushed her hands against Jacob's broad chest and disengaged herself from him, climbing back into her chair and wrapping her arms around herself forlornly. She didn't want to be touched right now.
Jacob must have finally gotten the hint, because he pulled his knees up to his chest and draped his long arms around them.
Bella wiped her nose jerkily with her shirt sleeve on the back of her wrist and then wrapped her arms around herself again with a little whimper.
"Bella?" Jacob said softly.
She pressed her lips together and reluctantly looked at him.
"It affects the girl too," he said quietly.
Bella blinked several times. "How?"
"She feels the same stuff the guy does, just a little less. That's what Emily says." Jacob paused and swallowed nervously. "Um, ah.. until she accepts him, that is."
Bella sniffed the snot into her nose gracelessly. "What?"
Jacob took a deep breath, eyeing her nervously. "When she – if she accepts him and they… um," he tipped his head suggestively with an uncomfortable grimace. "You know…"
Bella scowled. "No, I don't know. I think you need to tell me everything, like, really clearly, Jake."
"Okay. Well, when- if they have sex,"
Bella flinched.
Jacob smirked.
"…then they're, like, tied to each other for life. And then they have that crazy-obsessive Emily/Sam thing."
Bella's eyes went wide. That's what Paul had meant.
"You know how lovey-dovey Sam and Emily are. I mean, they don't even think about anyone else for a minute – it's like freaky. I mean, I've seen Sam's mind, and –" Jacob left that sentence unfinished but rolled his eyes . "And they can't keep their hands off each other. It's kinda sick, actually. I mean, they even know what the other is feeling and shit. She knows if he's hurt. It's creepy. And it doesn't go away, or anything; it stays like that forever ," Jacob squeamishly wrinkled his nose.
Bella's eyes darted between his for an entire minute as she processed, and then she burst out of her chair. "You - you knew about this the whole time, Jake? God! Why didn't you tell me?" She stalked across the room and then turned on him accusatorily. "How long has this – imprint thing- been going on?"
"Um, since that night we took out the dreadlocked leech," Jacob mumbled having the good graces to at least sound apologetic.
"Oh my God! That's more than two weeks!" Bella's eyes glanced up at the ceiling as she replayed everything that had happened over that time - the dinner at Emily's, her discussions with the pack, Paul's house. "I made a fool out of myself Jake! WHY didn't you tell me!" she shrieked.
"Paul thought it'd be better if you didn't know, since he's fighting it," Jacob came back defensively as he stood. "And I did too."
Bella stopped and knit her brow. "He's fighting it," she repeated.
Jacob crossed his arms over his chest. "Yeah, I told you he didn't want the imprint. Sam said it's impossible to fight – it's really hard and painful for the wolf apparently – but he's still trying."
Bella's gaze raked the ground. "Wow, no wonder he hates me so much," she mused vacantly, and then blinked against the burn of tears.
Jacob's face softened and he uncrossed his arms, taking two steps toward her. "Honey, he doesn't hate you. He's just really fucked up."
"Stop saying that!" Bella snapped. And then pressed her lips together in chagrin.
Jacob raised his eyebrows in surprise, but continued to walk hesitantly toward where Bella stood by the bookcase wringing her hands and desperately blinking back tears. "This imprint thing is stupid anyway, and it's crazy that it happened to him. I mean, Paul hates everyone. And I think he's slept with every girl who'd take him on the Rez and in Forks."
Bella looked up sharply. But he didn't want her.
Jacob now stood right in front of her and he slowly opened his arms invitingly. Bella hesitated and then stepped into his embrace. He pulled her to his chest and rested his cheek on her head. "Honey that's why I didn't say anything. You know where he is right now? Up in Port Ange, partying. You don't want to be around that guy – he's bad news," Bella heard his voice rumble under her ear.
She blinked the tears down her cheek now that Jake couldn't see them. "Is that why you've been over here, like, 24/7?" she asked, wiping her face on his tee shirt.
"Yeah," he said softly.
Jacob wanted her, Bella thought gratefully.
"You deserve better than that guy," Jacob murmured into her hair. "Even he thinks so."
Bella remembered Paul's dark laugh about being bound to him, 'you really, really don't want that believe me.' Bella swallowed the lump in her throat.
She couldn't help but think there was more to him than that. The man who could create such amazing and sensitive art, who had drawn her – who had really seen her enough to draw her like he did - who had been the first person to actually just listen to her about Edward and not tell her how stupid she was being, who had tenderly wrapped his arms around her and just held her sadness without trying to convince it away...
Damaged. Like her. Tears welled in her eyes; he'd been beaten into something twisted and sad and angry. It wasn't fair.
But it didn't really matter what she thought of him. He didn't want her.
She guessed she shouldn't be surprised. She was broken.
A thought suddenly occurred to her and she pulled back from Jacob, searching his face. "Did you imprint too?"
Jacob smiled, "Nah, Bells. I just love you. It's super-rare and there's no way I'm not going to imprint, anyway. I'm supposed to be the Alpha."
Bella's brow dipped, "what?"
Jacob pulled her back to his chest with a sniff. "It's a bloodline thing. I'm supposed to take over for Sam after I get the whole wolf-thing down. Alphas never imprint."
Bella rubbed her hands absently over the rippling muscles in his back. "But Sam's an Alpha and he imprinted."
"He's just the stand-in Bells. It doesn't count." She could hear the bitterness in his voice.
"You don't want to be Alpha," Bella stated softly. She knew her best friend; he didn't like to be forced into taking responsibility for anything.
"Naw… not really my style, y'know," he let out a long sigh. "But that's the way it goes." Jacob pulled back and looked into her eyes, wiping away a new tear with a thumb. "'You okay, Bells?"
She thought about Paul, suffering and alone and angry.
She thought about Paul, wrapping his strong arms around her as he pulled her to his chest mere hours ago with shocking tenderness.
She thought about Paul, pressing his lips to hers and the incendiary yearning that mouth had awakened.
She thought about Paul, partying at Port Angeles.
No she wasn't. She really wasn't.
"Yeah, Jake, I'm good," she tried to smile.
Jacob gave her a sunny grin, and kissed her nose. "Good. Let's get some sleep now, kay?"
Bella nodded listlessly. She really, really wasn't okay.
Jacob swung her up into the wrong set of arms and bounded up the stairs…
