Jeff didn't kiss Annie again on New Years. In fact, Jeff didn't even comment on it. After their post-kiss pause ended, Jeff just said, "Let's do another toast," and went to get champagne before Annie got the wrong idea. If it was wrong.
Jeff poured Annie a glass, toasted her and they celebrated the New Year with a drink this time. 2013 had such a confusing, wild and undeniably hot start, alcohol probably couldn't do much more. God knows their friends tried afterwards.
But for all the questions, commentary, warnings, innuendos on Pierce, Donna and Tom's part, attempted therapizing on Britta's part, and applied lessons from Inspector Spacetime from Ben, Jeff and Annie didn't respond. They stayed lost in their own thoughts, unwilling or unable to get into it with the others or each other.
Nonetheless, Jeff stayed until the end of the party, and only patted Annie's hand instead of her head when he left. And as New Years Day went on, Annie stayed in her room, torn between debating herself in her own head, or getting annoyed by the noise Troy, Abed and Andy were making in the living room. It was a close contest.
Just then, April barged in without knocking and led Champion over to Annie's bed. "You've got magic sunshine powers. Just this once, use them on Champion so I don't make him bite your old roommates' pinky fingers. Which Inspector Galaxy Quest didn't do first!"
"It's Spacetime! How do you keep getting it wrong?" Annie heard Troy yell. "Unless….oh God, she's a Blorgon. No wonder she looks so much like a scarier lizard!"
"Lizard with boobs. That would be how they'd get us!" they heard Andy agree.
"Ben might say that'd make no sense. But he's on his 6'th Season 5 binge back at his house and isn't here, so scary lizard it is," Abed said, then April got up and shut the door – while still in Annie's room.
"Fine, give me the stupid sunshine powers too. Just leave enough of me left to like Neutral Milk Hotel, that's an order," April demanded.
"No, that's okay. I'm still kind of drained anyway," Annie said as she put Champion on her lap.
"Cause that Wingbird guy made out with you?" April guessed.
"It's Winger, and no," Annie lamely said. It was one thing to play along with April's little name games. It'd be another to talk about this with the person least likely to help – other than Jeff himself.
"Good, he's too lame anyway. Even for you," April commented.
Before Annie could object, April actually continued talking. "You know, you guys hyped him up as some cool hipster who didn't care about anything. That would have been awesome. But he keeps looking at you like Leslie and Ben look at each other, and it's gross. Andy doesn't look gross when he loves me, but your guy's just sick."
If anyone else said those exact words, it would sound like they were trying to help. From April, it was much more iffy. Then again, that made the words all the more shocking. To say nothing of linking them to Leslie and Ben's own….long looks and stolen glances.
At that moment of hope, Annie got a text that read, "The Wonder Quartet bringing down the house?" from Jeff. Instead of feeling nervous, the fact he was actually reaching out to her made Annie laugh.
As such, instead of getting into their issues, she texted back, "More like a trio so far. That's why the roof's still standing," with better grammar. As long as they joked around, things couldn't be too awkward or revealing, or likely to shatter her.
It was cowardice, but it wasn't like bravery got Annie far before. Besides, Jeff had been the brave one last night, and even he was back to avoiding the issue. At least this time it was with jokes like, "Tell April thanks on behalf of the roof."
Annie laughed and almost thanked April for real, but April got up first. "Ugh, you look sick too. Forget it. At least my finger biting will be on your head, finger murderer," she warned before leaving the room. Somehow, Annie brushed aside the first part and kept texting.
The two texted about Champion, the drunker parts of last night and Annie's epic Jamm takedown, but not about the kiss. It stayed unexamined the next day when everyone went back to work, and Annie helped Leslie organize a going away party for Shirley. Since she had a family, she wouldn't be staying for an extra week like everyone else.
Nevertheless, Leslie took every single thing she learned about Shirley from her friends – and a few things she found out with her own research powers – to give her the perfect sendoff. Of course, even J.J.'s couldn't cook all of Shirley's favorite foods, and the whole issue of a religious themed party on City Hall brought about a small Constitutional crisis.
Eventually, Leslie and Shirley forged a miracle by compromising, holding the party – Jesus stick figures and all – at the halfway point between City Hall and the nearby church. It was at a vacant lot that had just been freed from possums three months ago, but Leslie was hardly one to reject vacant lots.
Once the party was set up and the religious symbols were away from the side closest to City Hall, everyone could actually start partying. As Shirley basked in the small victory for Christian-dom – and the small matter of being honored by her friends and people she only knew for a week – Annie watched with a smile.
She wouldn't do that alone for too long.
"Feeling better now that we're not in Hell? Or in ACLU jail?" Jeff asked.
"I thought you didn't believe in either one," Annie responded.
"Well, sometimes it's best to cover your bases. Especially since you'd be in eternal darkness if you're wrong. And then it's off to Hell too," Jeff joked. Annie just rolled her eyes at that easy setup, then watched the party with Jeff in silence. Silence that got less comfortable over time.
"I know Shirley's got to head back to her family. But I'm not going," Jeff said.
"Of course not. Unless you found loopholes to graduate early here too," Annie stated. "Wait, did you? Is there a magic marathon time you ran to earn it?"
"If there was, I would have run it after eating J'J's food," Jeff replied. "I mean I'm not….going," he stressed, like that explained anything. "I've run away from stuff like this before. But this time….I'm still here. You noticed that by now, right?"
Not in those terms. Certainly not in the terms she dared to think about. Of course, even now he had to be a little cryptic.
Yet he went on with, "I hope that's enough for you to notice. While I sort the rest out. Which I'm gonna do. While I keep talking to you in the meantime. Which I should really stop doing now."
Annie couldn't help but laugh, but started to try when she sensed Jeff's embarrassment. Once she gave him enough time to pretend to be cool again, he simplified by asking, "Is that okay?"
It probably shouldn't have been. All he was doing was keeping Annie on the hook, like he did through that whole summer. But Jeff wasn't avoiding her like that summer.
He was going out of his way to do the opposite. No matter how awkward or unproductive it was, he was still showing her he cared more. And the fact that he was trying to figure it out instead of running away….
There was still so much Annie needed to figure out too – and what certain actions or thoughts said about her as a person. But as long as Jeff was doing the same, maybe Annie didn't have to be in any hurry. That took some of the pressure and troubling questions off.
Therefore, Annie painted a smile and answered, "For now."
Jeff's visible relief before he tried to hide it did help. So did the way he nodded, smiled and stood with her in much more comfortable silence. Annie saw April make a grossed out face at them, but she brushed that aside fast enough.
When Jeff finally mingled with everyone else, Annie was met by Shirley. "You know, I kept my judgments and gossips to myself after that little….midnight madness. As a New Years and going away present to you. And I kept them from bringing it up to you too, even Britta and Leslie. I do not want to tell you how I bribed Donna."
"Thanks for that too," Annie said in relief.
"But googley eyes like that aren't making it easier," Shirley warned. "Now I'm extra glad I'm leaving early. But how glad are you and Jeffrey gonna be when you get back?"
"In what way?" Annie asked suspiciously. "Is there one way you'd prefer?"
"There used to be. Now after all these parties….I guess any way where you two are smiling would do. Even ways Satan might approve of too. At first, anyway," Shirley conceded. "Is that gonna happen while I'm gone? Do you even want it to happen?"
It was something how Shirley was more direct than Jeff. Not that it was something 100 percent good. Yet Annie composed herself, at least in public, and answered, "I don't know. But maybe I can tell you when I get back."
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Jeff wasn't that clear cut when Shirley talked to him before she left. He just nodded along to the usual Hell references and hugged her when it was his cue. After that, he knew Britta or Leslie or Ben wouldn't be bound to leave him alone anymore, so he hid in his motel room.
The next day, he was left to himself at Chris's office, pretending to work hard. But now he did wish work excited him enough to keep him distracted. Anything would be better than thinking about the tight rope he was on.
Despite planning that big move on New Years, it took everything he had not to run away afterwards. It took the rest to actually text Annie the next day, talk to her at Shirley's party, and not leave town in general. Nevertheless, he knew if he couldn't figure out what to do next, he at least owed her something better than two years ago.
At the least, actually spending time with her after a game-changing kiss wasn't that much torture. It helped that she wasn't jumping down his throat with flights of fancy this time. Maybe she was evolving too. But that "for now" comment told Jeff he couldn't buy time forever.
It'd be nicer if it told him what he should say when time ran out. Or shut up those two voices that said the answer was obvious – the good one and the evil one. Whatever they were.
For years, the evil one told him to just take her, while the good one said it was wrong and something that just wasn't for him. Nowadays – especially after that kiss and what they did afterwards – he wasn't sure which voice was which anymore.
If he ever really had been.
"Jeff Winger!" Chris's perky voice from Hell said right on cue.
"Oh, right, right. Files are right here," Jeff handed Chris from behind his desk.
"Excellent hand off, as always. But that's not the main reason I'm here," Chris started. "You've been off in your now trademark routine lately. You've even cut down on your black comedy one-liners. I hope nothing's wrong."
"Not a chance. Don't worry about me, it'll take years off your allegedly limitless life," Jeff scrambled to joke.
"Nonsense. Even if I only live to 240, it's worth it to help a new friend," Chris sickened Jeff – though not 100 percent so. Still, the third or fourth worst person he wanted to share anything with was Chris.
"As someone who expected to see the 23'rd century himself, I can tell you the reality check isn't worth it. Keep the dream alive for all of us while you can," Jeff tried to send Chris away.
"Are you saying that so you can resume daydreaming over Annie Edison?" Chris surprisingly nailed.
"What? Come on, that's….where do you get these ideas?" Jeff laughed badly.
"I could list all the smitten looks, stolen glances and heartwarming New Years kisses. But I don't want to take up your entireday," Chris listed. People in Pawnee really were more…..annoyingly observant than Greendale.
When part of him – the good or evil part – thought it might not be a bad thing, Jeff stopped before he got too crazy. "Aren't you the guy who fires people for office romances? No need to make me resign in disgrace like Ben, right?" he attempted to shut the door. Yet Chris didn't go anywhere.
"It is true. My job of enforcing the government's rule against office romance has caused trouble. It drove Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt into a life of lies, painful break ups, and bribery of maintenance workers. No matter how many cleansing tears I shed when Ben resigned, the good tears just weren't enough to outweigh the bad ones. They lost by two tears, but it might as well have been 200," Chris insisted.
"I'll take your word for it," Jeff nodded along.
"But this is different. You and Annie are only interns here for another week. None of you are each other's bosses. And even if Leslie had Annie seduce you just so you'd tamper with my budget recommendations, I literally have 20 backup copies! As historically brilliant as they are, even they couldn't make you get them all. Not that they would! But they know I'd be ready," Chris insisted.
"Yeah, they…..know a lot of things," Jeff got more confused.
"Regardless, this time I know better than to deny true love. Especially when it's on such a Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt scale," Chris got choked up.
Jeff didn't know if Chris's words and efforts not to cry helped or hurt – another weird thing. When he was composed, however, Chris continued with, "Just be sure to be honest with her."
"Did someone make you think I wouldn't be?" Jeff asked, wondering how loose lipped Leslie had been when she hated him.
"Of course not, you're too exceptional for that," Chris said, which boosted Jeff's ego until he realized how naïve that was. "Nevertheless, I hope you'll stay exceptional. Leslie and Ben had to lie to me and each other for months, and it almost destroyed them. If not for their final act of defiance in getting back together, I might not have cried over one first draft of my best man's speech! Let alone 20!"
Jeff gave Chris another moment to recover. But since this gave Jeff time to think of the serious, non-hilarious parts of his advice, he didn't recover as well.
"You do realize you can't be honest about everything, right? There's some things too risky and painful to just blurt out," Jeff opened up like he didn't want to. "Especially when there's so much that can still go wrong….even if it all goes right. So much that I – I mean, she, couldn't live with."
"How do you know unless you let her try?" Chris asked. "Annie Edison has become one of the most capable interns in this galaxy's history. Right alongside yourself. If she can handle Leslie Knope's round-the-clock schedule that exceptionally, she can handle anything."
"She couldn't handle….what I could do to her," Jeff admitted.
"Leslie was convinced she couldn't handle the truth coming out. So was Ben. But he handled unemployment wonderfully, guided two politicians to election victories in one year, and is now engaged. Leslie handled a one percent approval rating, came from behind to win, and is now engaged herself. I literally doubt they could have been that happy with more lies," Chris said, using 'literally' seriously for once.
The impact got through to Jeff as well. Ben used virtually the same logic, but that just helped Jeff make up for a fight. Using it to justify….this was something else. Or maybe it really wasn't.
As it hit him, Chris clapped his shoulder and encouraged, "Go to her, Jeff. And don't just do it so I can use my rejected best man speeches for your wedding." Now that was too much to listen to.
Once Jeff stopped scoffing and laughing, Chris gave a more effortless laugh and said, "There's the delightful Jeff Winger I know! Go on, show that to Annie and win her heart." As Jeff was coming up with an answer, Chris encouraged, "Go on! I'll hold down the fort here, don't worry about work! Seize the day!"
Well, at least thinking he was Professor Whitman was better than thinking he was Rich. Barely.
With that in mind, Jeff left the office – and was admittedly tempted to blow off the rest of the day at the bowling alley. Beating people that didn't totally cheat by bowling underhanded sounded better than….how other things could turn out.
But maybe if it'd make Chris shut up and pre-emptively shut up Britta and Leslie, it was worth trying it the other way. Just for that reason.
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When Jeff asked Annie to lunch in the courtyard, Annie tried to brush aside how he'd never done that before, in Pawnee or Greendale. She even kept her head clear enough to enjoy eating with him at first. But it couldn't stay that blissfully ignorant forever.
"Okay, here's the deal," Jeff started less smoothly than usual. "We both know this whole thing is weird. I thought it'd be more weird if you knew that…..all the things you feel for me….I'm feeling too. And not just about me, which is weird enough. About you too. And for a really long time." After a pause, he asked, "Well? Is it weird?"
It was a lot of things to Annie. It was stunning, then kind of funny, then it almost made her feel euphoric. As she felt herself smile, she went over all the words Jeff told her, committing this landmark moment for posterity. But one part near the end tripped her up and made her stop smiling.
"A really long time?" Annie asked out loud. "How long is really long here?" She caught the tail end of a smile from Jeff before it vanished too.
"Consciously?" Jeff qualified, then frowned and worked out, "Maybe two years or so. Unconsciously? Probably as long as you. I mean, you weren't into me as much before our kiss, but then…." he trailed off.
"Hold on," Annie frowned. "During that whole summer after our kiss….you had those feelings too?"
"Not those feelings," Jeff dismissed. "But….maybe there were a few moments when I….kind of wanted to call and see where it went. When I wasn't thinking clearly." Now sensing he wasn't helping himself, Jeff corrected, "I mean, to me back then, it wasn't thinking clearly! Now it looks a little different."
"When's the next time you weren't thinking clearly?" Annie surprised herself by getting more inquisitive – and more angry.
"Off and on after the pen incident. The bathroom stuff. The Annie of it All stuff too. Maybe the stuff after that." Jeff added.
"You knew you were lying back then? Even when you lied?" Annie asked. "I thought you were just figuring it out now. I told myself you never knowingly felt that way back then. I had to," she stressed. "You're telling me the whole time I've been school girl crushing you, you did it to me too? And you lied the entire time anyway?" she raised her voice.
"Not willingly!" Jeff winced at the end.
"Jeff, I came to Pawnee to be an adult again," Annie reminded. "One of the big reasons I wasn't is because of you. Because I felt crazy things for you that you could never feel for me. Now you're saying you felt it all along?"
And instead of swooning over that, as Jeff figured and semi-hoped, Annie became furious. "And you let me feel like a delusional little girl anyway? On purpose? For all three years?!"
"Not anymore! You weren't delusional, now I'm willing to admit it," Jeff covered. "It's everything you wanted, right?"
It was. Back before she thought it made her like a child to think that way. Back before he made her think that way. Before Annie knew it, however, she realized she said that out loud.
Before she knew it, she realized she didn't regret it.
She was still aware that Jeff coming clean at all should have made her happy. However, all the crap she'd been through before that – all the crap that tarnished her own image and self-worth – was making it quite hard.
And she was starting to think it was about time Jeff knew how hard. "Annie, what's going on here? Do you know how huge it was for me to say that stuff? I get some credit for that, right?" Jeff insisted.
Yep, time to set him straight.
"You could have told me that summer. You could have told me anything," Annie informed. "Even if you just said you did like me that much, but you wouldn't act on it. I would have understood. I might have argued, but maybe we would have worked something out." Annie vented.
"Annie, I wasn't a big 'feelings talker' back then. I'm barely that right now. You figured that out by now, right?" Jeff asked.
"You talked about them before we kissed! We did it a lot together before we kissed! More than we did the last few years!" Annie pointed out. "We were both growing up so fast before that damn kiss. We could have talked through it like real adults back then."
"And what good would that have done? I would have said it was wrong anyway, and it was wrong back then. Even if I didn't, I wouldn't have started some fairy tale romance with you, like you wanted," Jeff noted.
"I know, okay? I know romance and feelings make you uncomfortable. I would have remembered if I hadn't got so carried away!" Annie predicted. "I would have been willing to work with that. To work out our own pace. You think I'd have forced you to do stuff you weren't ready for? I would never do that to you, Jeff!"
"Oh, you just killed your argument right there," Jeff responded. Both of them wondered why the hell they were arguing for a second. Yet Annie's misguided point was too big for Jeff to let slide.
"You and your Disney face never force me to do things I'm not ready for? You never forced me to give you an answer in the bathroom I wasn't ready for? You never forced me to define an 'Annie of it All' I wasn't ready to address, in front of the whole group? Let's not kid ourselves here," Jeff warned.
"You saw things way too simple and black and white to take really seriously back then. And that wasn't just because I never talked to you. I liked to think you were more evolved now. Was I wrong?" Jeff let get away from him.
Annie took in all the ways he was right. And all the ways he was still wrong. The wrong still won out.
The more she finally let herself really understand why that was, the less she felt inclined to keep bottling up.
"You never gave me a chance to try," Annie said. "Not in that horrible year. Not in the next two, either. And look what happened because of it. I sunk so low I had to go to another town to get my head straight."
"Well, you were right all along, so there you go," Jeff dismissed. "You were right, I was wrong, so there's your vindication," he said, trying one last time to get this on track while he still wanted to.
"There it is now! After all the crap I've been through! It's too late to take that back!" Annie let out. "You really convinced me you never….liked me like I liked you. And that I was a crazy child for feeling anything anyway. Do you even….do you have any idea what that's made me think about myself? Even now?"
"All that because I didn't confess feelings for you one summer?" Jeff huffed.
"All that because you never did! At all!" Annie shot back. "You let me think it was all in my head. That I was a stupid girl who only wanted to change you, for my own ego. But you just kept opening the door and slamming it shut. Then you made it look like it was my fault for walking into it! And not just two years ago, but every year you never said anything!"
"Like anything I could have said back then would have satisfied you!" Jeff defended.
"Anything would have been better than what you made me feel!" Annie argued back.
"And what did I 'make you feel'?" Jeff spouted in return.
"Alone," Annie's voice caught before she could yell it. That break in her voice brought Jeff down instantly. Yet Annie would only keep struggling to tap into her buried pain from here.
"Sometimes I feel closer to you than anyone I've ever met. That you see me, all of me, better than anyone. I'm not used to that from anyone. Ever. And the one person who made me feel that….connected and valued, spent three years making me think it was in my head. That even the person who did more for me than anyone I've ever met….even he thought I was unworthy in some way," Annie admitted.
"Do you have any idea what that can do to someone's self-worth? Especially someone with my history?" she argued. "It makes them think you really have nothing to offer but grades. They can cling to it so much, they'll even….compromise themselves with teachers. Just to keep that little bit of worth they have left."
"That wasn't my fault," Jeff gasped out.
"No. Not that you had anything to say about it until we got here," Annie reminded. "You just tuned it out because you had your own problems. Now it turns out that's what you did with me for three years. And you did it on purpose."
"That is not what I was doing!" Jeff defended.
"You just said you felt something for me, even when you ignored me that summer. If you just told me that then….I don't care what would have happened, I would have never acted out like I did that second year. And we both know it! But I embarrassed myself in ways I still can't get over! And it turns out I never should have had to!" Annie informed.
She went on with, "You felt something for me in that bathroom. One word about that then would have made me feel so much better. Even if I didn't understand relationships were complicated! I sure understood getting rejected by two men in one night because of my age!"
Annie saw Jeff's jealousy squirm over her allusion to Rich, but she didn't care. "Even if you just took me aside when you said it was all in my head….just said one clear cut sentence that you saw me that way too. We didn't have to be together after that. Like I was gonna reward you with that after what you said?" She gave her bitterest chuckle and Jeff tried to bite down one of his own.
"I thought for two years I wasn't worth that much. That scraps of friendship and honesty was all I'd get. That every time I got carried away with deeper feelings, I was a stupid little girl for ever feeling that way! That I could never love someone the right way….not that anyone could be a real adult and have real feelings for me! You made that very clear!" Annie vented.
She got on her feet and actually towered over Jeff as she continued, "And now you're telling me you do. You knew I wasn't a child for liking you. And you chose to let me think I was anyway? Even with everything you knew it did to me?!"
"If I told you, I would have destroyed you. Eventually," Jeff weakly said.
"Instead of almost destroying me now," Annie responded. "But now it's safe to open your mouth? After three years of stunting my growth? After three years of quietly letting me embarrass myself? After three years of letting me think I'm the crazy one?!"
Whether raising her voice like that made her look crazy or not, Annie was too far gone to care.
"You could have stopped that at any time with one word. You could have let me work with you through your hang-ups. Which I already do better than anyone! But after three years of letting me believe the worst about myself….when you knew better all along…..you decided to let me stop, only when the damage was done, NOW?! Is THAT what you're telling me?!"
Annie stopped breathing loud enough to try and hear Jeff's answer. Not that he had one to drown out her breath, or her tears. It took another few seconds before Jeff finally said – in a meeker tone than she'd ever heard from him – "I guess so."
His look of hopelessness and shame didn't register to Annie. Three years of pent-up shame that Jeff made her feel could do that. Now that some of it was out, there was still some rage to get through. So Annie balled up her fist and reached back to let the rest out.
But she couldn't get her fist all the way to Jeff's face. Even if his face wasn't moving.
When that failed, Annie opened her hand and reached back to slap Jeff. But that froze up halfway as well.
If she couldn't bring herself to punch or slap him, there was really nothing to do now. So she sat back down and made herself say, "Go."
"Annie…." Jeff countered, sounding almost half as broken. But that was the last thing Annie needed to take in right now.
"Jeff, please! I need….I need time to think. I can't do that with you…." When she felt more tears coming, Annie all but whispered, "Please." But that sounded a bit too desperate – and she really shouldn't be the desperate one at this table.
Annie wiped her eyes, tried to keep steady eye contact with Jeff, then repeated as forcefully as she could, "Go."
Eventually, Jeff's response was a less forceful, "Okay."
She watched him get up and head back towards the parks department. She then noticed that most of that department had watched the show from the windows. Since they'd seen enough, Annie put her head down and tried to hide her remaining emotions while she could.
And hide the mix of guilt and righteous fury she felt now.
What Jeff said should have made Annie happy – ironically, for all the reasons she was mad. After all this time, she finally knew the truth. That her feelings and her actions didn't make her a dumb girl, because he may have actually felt the same all along. That for the first time, a man cared about her as much as she cared about….well, anything.
She should have felt, for the first time ever, that she really wasn't alone.
But if she knew that three, two, or even one year ago, she wouldn't have felt so many worse things first. Or done so many of them. Or felt ashamed afterwards for just being herself, without having all the facts to relieve her shame – or to stop her from feeling more of it.
It made a sick kind of sense. Even when Annie knew she wasn't alone, she still felt truly alone. No matter who bore all, none or half of the blame.
