Kate stumbled into the kitchen, bringing a curled hand up to her face as sunlight flooded the loft. She yawned and collapsed into the closest chair. Exhaustion linked with something sad and deep in her chest as she remembered entering the loft early in the morning and the heavy weight threatening to crush her heart.
"Hey, sleepyhead," Rick said with a smile as he leaned over a pan of eggs. "You want anything?"
She shook her head. "No thanks." Usually his cheery attitude was infectious, pulling her lips into a grin when she felt like crying, always uplifting her spirits with his light. But today, his jubilance just twisted her heart and intensified the empty vastness she felt, because she didn't know what was wrong with her. She didn't know how to free herself from the void, and somehow, surround amongst the merriment of Rick and the kids, she felt even worse. She felt like an outsider to her own family, like they were a perfect day and she was the rain that took the sunshine away.
Frustrated with herself, she straightened up and decided to focus on conversation. "Where are Maddie and Max?" she asked.
"Upstairs, getting dressed, brushing hair, probably making a mess while simultaneously trying to save the world." He flashed her a grin.
She offered him a brief smile and something about it unsettled Rick. The dull distance in her gaze clenched at his heart; he wasn't sure what was the matter but already he wanted to do whatever he could to take it away.
Rick appeared by Kate's side and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. She looked up at him, peering through dark lashes and wearing that same empty smile. The one she put on for show. The one she used to lock things up and bury them away.
Part of Rick immediately swelled with worry and he had to fight the urge to confront her, but she deserved a change to come to him first if something was bothering her.
So, rather than a concern driven question, he settled on something a little more neutral. "Late night again, huh?"
She nodded.
"It's this case, isn't it?" he remarked. Between the twins' preschool and writing, Rick had been too busy to visit the precinct for the past few days. Over the last few weeks, Kate hadn't come home past seven and it finally felt like things were working themselves out, but something about this case had shaken everything up. The past three nights had resulted in Kate slipping into bed early in the morning and waking before the sun had rose.
"Yeah," she replied, "It was ten when we finally brought our suspect into the precinct. I was so sure he was our killer. Espo, Ryan, and I decided to stick around and try to get a confession, which—after a few hours—got nothing. Eventually, Gates made us all go home," she finished with a shrug.
"You're still working today?" he asked, gazing at her with concerned eyes.
"Yeah. I need to get in soon." Shooting a quick glance at the clock before adding, "I really shouldn't have slept in this late anyway."
The guilt that laced her words tightened the unease in his chest, he opened his mouth to say something, when Max's call carried down the stairs. "Daddy, we need help. Maddie's messing with the toothpaste, again…"
"No, I'm not," came the defiant voice of Madeline, followed by a thud and squeal of laughter from the twins.
Rick sighed and Kate's lips flickered into the first genuine smile he'd seen all morning. "We better go take care of that," she said as she slid off the chair and he followed her up the stairs.
Twenty minutes later, the thud was still unidentified but at least Kate was able to get dressed, the kids' teeth were brushed and they were occupied with slipping on their shoes. Rick pulled Kate a step aside from the twins before they left for preschool.
"Hey, Kate, seriously are you okay?" he asked, worry swirling inside him, overpowering the rational part that begged him to wait it out.
She was about to answer when a jarring ring of her phone broke the honesty of the moment, shattering it into thousands of pieces and smattering them across the floor. The detective pulled away, and Rick strained to make out the words of Captain Gates on the other side of the line. Her features flickered into a pained expression, until she quickly recovered, smothering the weakness under a mask. The reaction was intriguing, encouraging Rick to listen closer. But his concentration was broken by the gentle tug of little hands on his shirt. Looking down, he saw the twins peering up at him.
"Daddy," Madeline began, "we need to leave so we're not late." She pointed at the clock. "Mommy says that being on time is important."
Kate's phone call finished and she turned around, void of her previous distress, and smiled at Maddie. "That's exactly right." The woman knelt down and pulled both kids into a hug. She squeezed them against her chest. "I love you guys so much, okay?"
"Love you too, Mommy," they giggled back as they wrapped their arms around her.
Something inside Kate shifted and she wanted to hold onto this moment. She wished there was a way to package it up and save it forever. Because right here, amongst the commotion and weight of life, she still had her twins and Rick, and she never wanted to let it go. Lately, things had been so confusing, but every once in a while, these little slivers of happiness would light her up. Sometimes they were the only thing she could hold on to. Hugging the twins closely, she vowed to herself, if she couldn't fix things today, she'd talk to Rick tonight. They could fix this. If not for herself, she had to do it for the little hearts beating against hers.
"Have a good day at preschool today, all right? I know you're going to have fun and learn a lot," she said as she stood up, pressing a kiss atop each of their heads.
"Was it the case?" Rick asked her quietly.
She nodded, "Suspect's not our guy. His alibi checks. God, but it has to be him. I know it's him." Frustrated, she rubbed her forehead with more force then necessary.
Rick reached out and wrapped her hands in his, preventing her from doing more harm. "You'll get it, okay? You always do. I believe in you," Rick said, smiling at her.
A soft sigh fell from her lips as she looked him in the eyes. "I love you, Castle. I'm going to try to come home on time tonight." The words had grown familiar on her lips, yet today, they felt foreign. She could taste the fabrication. It was unrealistic. She wanted to try, but it felt out of reach. Everything felt so out of reach, spiraling out of control. She was barely hanging on, Rick's "I'm glad. I love you," barely penetrating the heaviness that suffocated her.
…
Anxiety rooted into Kate's stomach for the rest of the day, she couldn't shake it while reexamining the evidence, gazing at the murder board, or interrogating suspects—anything to find that final piece, putting their killer behind bars. When the clock hit seven o'clock, Espo and Ryan convinced—or perhaps 'forced' would be more applicable—her go home. The captain added her own opinion to the argument… apparently Kate looked 'too exhausted to work' and Gates deemed any further investigation inefficient until the detective went home and slept for a few hours. Anyway, there wasn't anything they could do. They'd recovered vital DNA evidence that would give them more time with the killer, but it was stuck in processing, despite being on rush. Their investigation screeched to a standstill. Kate hated waiting. It made her feel restless.
After eventually losing the fight, she threw her stuff into her bag and protested the situation as she walked to the elevator. She wanted to spend time with her family, she really did. But the case wouldn't leave her head alone and having to release their suspect—their killer—only made her feel worse. Regardless, she rushed back to the loft, nearly tripping over the threshold as she walked inside. Maybe Castle can help me figure this out, she thought. His crazy theories had proven semi-helpful before. Throughout dinner, she unconsciously tapped her foot against the floor, offering smiles and adding to the conversation when necessary. She really just needed to talk to Rick alone before this case tore her apart.
It was a little past seven thirty that night, when her chance finally arrived. Rick was upstairs, finishing tucking in the twins after they'd said goodnight to Kate. Within a few minutes, Rick was back in the living room. His eyes immediately drifted to the detective. Bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet, she stood by the couch. Her fingers were entwined with her mother's wedding ring around the chain that hung from Kate's neck. She ran the ring back and forth across the chain, her lower lip was pulled between her teeth, her eyes squeezed shut. Her dark lashes stood out against her skin.
"Beckett," Rick said, her stance evoking concern.
At first, the only indication that she'd heard him was a pause in her movements. Finally, after what felt like ages she dropped the ring. It dangled from the chain, gently tapping her chest as it settled. A raise of her head revealed hazel eyes that stared back at him. Begging for help.
She spoke first, surprising him with her confession. "I need help," she said softly, casting her eyes down as if in shame, before glancing up to hold his gaze. The second time, her voice grew in confidence, eliciting slight volume and substance. "I need your help."
The feeling of joy that arose when she confided in him was instantly blunted by the hollowness in her eyes and shaky voice that carried the words of her declaration.
"Yeah. Of course," he replied. "What's been bothering you?"
"It's this case," she finally admitted, before drifting off, "Our victim was a mom, her daughter's twenty one, and I…"
"You can't help but relate it to your own mom's case," he filled in, receiving a nod from Kate.
"And we finally got our killer, but we had to release him. We're waiting on DNA evidence, but it could take days, He's still out there, Castle… I can't let him get away. I can't let what happened to me happen to someone else. I just can't do it," she finished. Her fingers raised again to meet her mother's ring as tears brimmed in her eyes. Frustration and grief swirled inside her.
"Oh, Kate." Rick reached out to run his hand up and down her arm, but before he could, she straightened up, her posture growing rigid as her expression hardened. Furiously, she brushed away the hot, salty tears that had spilled over.
"No," she softly. "Stop. I can't do this. I'm okay. This is unprofessional—getting so emotionally involved in a case. I need to pull it together. I'm sorry, this is embarrassing."
"No, Kate, look at me," Rick began, refusing to continue until she lifted her gaze to meet his. "It's not embarrassing, it's human and it's normal, and it's one of the things I love about you; you care. You care so much it breaks your heart. It's this vulnerability that makes you so strong, don't you see it, Kate?" he paused, reaching out to her. Immediately, she was drawn in by his touch. She stepped toward him, so their chests were pressed against one another. He roped an arm around her shoulder.
"You temporarily break your heart so you can permanently fix others'. And that's so noble, so selfless, it's something that makes you so extraordinary. It's what makes you so good at what you do. You care, and you put yourself through hell so families don't have to, so families can have closure. It's brave and honorable and painful. So it's okay to cry and to vent and feel sad."
He felt her nod against his shoulder. "I love you," he finished, moving a hand to rub her back.
"I love you, too," she murmured, falling into silence before speaking up again. "What if I can't get the killer this time?"
"Then you'll know you did the best you could, and sometimes that's the best you can hope for. But I believe in you, and I know for a fact if anyone can solve this case, it's you."
She pulled back from his embrace, a small smile on her lips, in awe of how he always knew exactly what to say. When the soft glimmer of a twinkle reached her eyes, Rick couldn't help but smile back.
"Richard Castle, you are my solid ground," she admitted, appreciation and contentment lacing her voice as she reached out and pulled him back into a firm embrace, deciding that there was no place more comfortable than his arms. "I have no idea what I would do without you."
"Likewise," he said, wearing a smirk that pulled a quiet laugh from the detective's lips.
"Likewise?" she questioned, amusement coloring her words. "That's all you have to say?"
Earnestly, he nodded. "Except that I love you very, very much."
"Likewise," Kate muttered as her loving glare betrayed her front of irritation.
"Maybe 'likewise' is our new 'always," he repeated, his smirk forming into a full mischievous grin, enjoying the change in her demeanor as he felt her relax. Secretly, she appreciated his ability to defuse the intensity of situations they faced too often.
Wrinkling her nose, she said, "I like 'always' better."
"Likewise," he responded, earning a wholehearted groan from his wife. He would have carried on all night, if it could erase the distress that previously radiated off of her.
A/N: Piecing together this chapter took a lot longer than I expected, I played around with possible ideas until I finally settled on this one. It ended up being kind of fun to write-I've always had a weak spot for Castle comforting Beckett :) I hope you enjoyed it and I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Also, for the past few weeks I've had an urge to write a multichapter AU (maybe?) fic, but every plot I try to write doesn't work out. If you guys have any prompts you'd like me to take a shot at, I'd be forever grateful and try my best to write your requests.
And... one last thing, l'll be traveling for a while and won't have wifi for quite a few days. However, I'll have my notebook with me and try to get some chapters written. So, there might be a break in updates for a bit, but hopefully I'll have a bunch to post when I get back.
Thank you guys so much for your reviews, follows, and favorites. They mean so much!
