Being friends was not enough.
Emily realized that quite quickly. She and Lux had taken to spending quite a bit of time with Alex and part of Emily felt that maybe things would be easier if Lux didn't like her quite so much. (She knew that was only kidding herself, though, because she liked Alex more than she'd liked anyone in a really really long time.)
It didn't help that seemingly everyone around her knew of her burning crush, making it their business to pry at every opportunity. When she relayed a carefully edited version of events, everyone gave her that same look, eyes full of pity, the consoling smile, until all she wanted to do was scream.
None of them seemed to understand how she could continue to be Alex's friend knowing that's all it could ever be, why she didn't just move on. They didn't understand that she couldn't – that Alex was everything to her and no matter how painful it was, being someone in her life was better than being no one at all.
As much as she tried not to think about Emily, it seemed like she was all Alex could think about lately, no matter how many times she told herself she was off limits. She knew in her mind that it was for the best, but her heart was traitorous.
She was at the grocery store one day, determinedly not thinking about Emily, when she ran into Fiona – possibly the worst person to cross paths with because she knew far too much for Alex's liking. Her first instinct was to duck her head and run the other way, hoping Fiona hadn't spotted her, but she didn't get the chance before Fiona was grinning at her, entirely too smug.
"What a fun surprise," she chirped and Alex already knew that this conversation would end in embarrassment. Fiona cocked her head, studying Alex curiously like she was a puzzle missing a few crucial pieces. "I'm trying to figure you out, Alex Blake..." she said slowly.
"We're just friends," Alex said immediately, even though she hadn't mentioned Emily as if hoping to reroute the conversation before it started. Her knee-jerk reaction only made Fiona's expression more smug.
Alex silently cursed her ability to stick her foot in her mouth without provocation. It seemed like the harder she insisted they were only friends, the less she believed it.
"Is that really what you want?" Fiona asked, looking almost disappointed in her. Apparently, Alex wasn't fooling her either.
"We agreed it's the best thing for everyone," she maintained, in spite of the little voice inside screaming no. Afterall, it's what she'd wanted, right? So, why did the words feel like thorns falling from her tongue? She forced a smile.
Fiona gave an unladylike snort. "Is it really what's best?" she asked, "Or is it what's easy?"
"What?" Alex said on an exhale, the words hitting her like a blow to the chest, knocking all the air from her lungs.
"She kissed you, right?" she continued as if she hadn't heard. "She doesn't kiss just anyone – she's let herself fall too easily before and she's been burned because of it. If she kissed you, it's because she thinks you're different..."
Alex felt tears burning at the back of her eyes, in spite of her best efforts to keep her emotions in check. "I don't..." she stammered, "I can't... I can't talk about this." She shook her head, willing herself not to cry because the truth was that she did want more, she just couldn't have it.
Fiona looked at her like she understood exactly what she was thinking, but graciously didn't comment. "Just be careful with Emily. She's special. She's...fragile. She doesn't trust easily. Don't...don't break her."
"I have to go," Alex rasped, her carefully built wall of self-control crumbling all too easily. "I'm sorry."
Fiona's words still burnt into her mind, Alex showed up on Emily's doorstep for their weekly movie night feeling torn. Fiona was right about a lot of things, but the fact remained that Alex could only ever hurt Emily...and she had no desire to be the one that caused her to lose her ability to trust freely, to love freely.
It took Emily longer than usual to answer the door and when she finally did, she looked harried and more than a little exhausted. Her hair was mussed a little too much to be intentional and she'd obviously been biting her nails again. Seeing Alex, her eyes widened and she muttered, "Shit! I'm so sorry, I totally forgot."
"Is this a bad time?" Alex asked, feeling guilty, though she wasn't sure why. "I can come another day..."
"No!" Emily insisted, "Lux is very excited to see you and..."
Then, Alex heard a voice from inside and something about it made Alex's entire being tremble with the fear of a scolded child. "Emily, who's there?" the voice asked. A woman startlingly like Emily in appearance, but lacking her warmth came into view. Everything about her, from the lines in her face to her pantsuit, was crisp and stark and formal.
Emily sighed wearily. "Alex, meet Ambassador Elizabeth Prentiss. Mother, meet Alex Blake." She turned back to her mother. "If you just wait in the study, I'll be with you in a minute and..."
Elizabeth ignored her completely. "Alex Blake," she said silkily over the end of Emily's sentence. "The author, I presume?" Alex nodded, silently wondering why the word author was said like an epithet. "Emily's failed to mention you," she continued, "I can't imagine why." She offered Alex a hand to shake.
Alex took it with more than a little trepidation, feeling distinctly like she was being judged inferior, though she couldn't imagine why. Elizabeth's grip on her hand was cold and a little too tight to be comfortable, silently establishing dominance.
"Alex, Lux is in the living room," Emily said, giving Alex an escape, for which she was grateful. "She's been eagerly awaiting tonight all week – she picked the movie out special, but she won't tell me what it is." The two of them shared a smile until Elizabeth cleared her throat, breaking the spell.
As Alex slipped past into the living room, she heard Elizabeth say in a stage whisper she was clearly meant to hear, "She's not the type you usually go for, but you could do better. Authors are terribly dull, dear. I have some wonderful young men I could set you up with." For a moment, Alex felt a blast of uncharacteristic anger course through her, but she really had no desire to piss off Emily's mother more than she already had, apparently.
She found Lux determinedly sketching a St. Bernard she'd paused the TV on; her little tongue was peeking out from between her teeth, her brow furrowed adorably in concentration. For a moment, Alex stood back, watching the scene, heart clenching with want and knowing it was something she couldn't have. "Hello, Étoile," she greeted the girl, signing along – she had started teaching Emily and Lux sign language to better communicate when the girl was nonverbal.
Lux gestured proudly at her drawing in greeting.
"Beautiful drawing," she praised, sitting beside her to better admire the sketch.
Lux peered past her, then, at the sound of raised voices in the hall. "Nana?" she asked, eyes shining with concern.
"Your grandmother is here," Alex agreed. "She makes Mama sad, doesn't she?" Lux nodded. "We should cheer her up, shouldn't we?" She nodded again, eagerly. "How about pizza?"
Lux's smile lit up her face and she clapped her hands a few times.
Alex brought a finger to her lips. "Shh, it's a surprise."
"Shh!" Lux said, mirroring her, blue eyes twinkling.
"Can you keep a secret?" Alex asked her. Lux nodded proudly. "I think I'm starting to fall in love with your Mama..." she whispered conspiratorially.
Lux considered that for a moment. "Mama kiss?"
Alex laughed. "Yes, she did."
Lux grinned at her like she knew far more about the inner workings of the heart than her age would suggest.
