Merry-Go-Round
November 18th, 2013; 8:03 AM
ELLOOOOOOOO~~~~~!
I am tired as hell! :D I stayed up 'til three in the morning watching an anime that Remi got me to watch and it was just so wonderful and fluffy and beautiful that I couldn't stop! TTwTT So now I'm exhausted. I had to wake up at 6:30 AM for school this morning and got about 2 hours of sleep because I can never just fall asleep right away like a normal person.
It was great, though... Oh my gosh. Though maybe I'm saying that because it's the first anime I've watched in a long, LONG time. But... I totally couldn't take it. I'm like, obsessed. TTwTT I want to go home and watch it, and I'd much rather watch it than write right now (sorry), but... *sigh* I don't have internet right now. DAMN IT. DAMN IT! OTL
Anyway, it's called Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi. It's a shonen-ai (yaoi in fancy words) and it is... It's... IT'S JUST TOO MUCH FOR MY BRAIN TO TAKE! *explodes*
I... I wish I could actually say something smart about it, but all I can really think about is, 'OH MY GOD, IT WAS FANTASTIC!' That doesn't really say much, does it...?
OH, I know what to say now: I should tell you what it was about... :") Right. Um, the show is about a boy named Ritsu- he's 25 years old but he looks like a teenager. (HE'S ADORABLE! /o/o/) U-Um... He gets a new job as an editor in the shojo manga department, a-and his boss is... ... hot... AH! No, that's not what I meant! (I mean, he is, buuuut...) U-Um, his boss turns out to be his first love, except it kind of ended really bad, so now Ritsu kinda hates him, but... um... He's hot. /^/^/ Ehehehehe.
It has more plot than that, but right now, I can't really think straight. I only had two hours of sleep. And high school is asking me to think. Think? THINK?! HOW?! OTL Impossible.
Speaking of obsessions...
Song of the Chapter: MIA: Detachment Incident
Oh. My. Freaking. Bloodsuckers. I swear, I've listened to this song 50 times yesterday yet I just don't get tired of it. It's definitely going on my top 10 song list, oh gosh, it is just SO epic. just... wow. It's just so completely perfect that I can't even... I can't even. I don't know what I can't even. I just can't. Oh my gosh, it's as perfect as an Umetora song, yet it's not Umetora...! Please, please look it up. The song is by an American (I think) producer called Kenji-B and it's sung by two UTAUs, yet it is just so well done, it's like... HNNNNGH. Eargasm. All the way. Oh my god. I love it so much that I'm learning the lyrics. It's just that perfect. Watch it. Love it. Tell me what you think in the reviews. NOW NOW NOW! XD
OH, I ALMOST FORGOT!
Does anyone have a PS3 they don't want anymore...? TT^TT
See, um... I was at my local mall about two, three weeks ago and I went to the EB Games store, because, you know, I like to look at video games. i didn't find anything I liked but I looked at like, every single game, just because. And... on the shelf, between a Hot Wheels video game and some assassin game... There it was. Smiling at me. That perfect f just perfectly shaped, laughing at me, mocking me.
Yes, that's right: Project Diva f has come to Canada.
But I couldn't play. Because I don't have a PlayStation. And I hate my life everyday for it.
And then later, I went to the library. They have a special video game section now, just recently added, and because it's on the way to the manga section (they got some new Love Hina stuff, volumes 2 to 9! FINALLY!), I always stop and spend two minutes to look at the games, even though most are for PlayStation. You know, I even saw Harvest Moon; Tree of Tranquility once (which is for Wii), but I already have Harvest Moon; Animal Parade, which is pretty much the same thing. There's Final Fantasy, Naruto, some creepy yet awesome games with elfish anime characters, Zelda...
... and Project Diva f.
I ran all the way down the stairs over to dad and started tugging at his coat, like, "DADDYDADDYDADDYDADDYDADDYOHMYGODOHMYGODDADDYLOOKLOOKLOOKDADDYOHMYGODLOOKWHATIFOUNDDADDYI'MDYINGDADOHMYGOSHCANWEHAVEIT?"
He said no. Because he doesn't want to get me a PlayStation. I could have cried.
So... If anyone has decided they don't want theirs anymore... *pokes* Please, I beg you, pleeeeeeeease! *sobs* Please... I want to play so baaaad... *sigh*
And then Pokemon X and Y came out too. For 3DS. And here I am with my previously-awesome DSiXL thinking, 'Why Nintendo, WHY?!' OTL I just hate my life. Just watch Project Diva come out in WiiU next. Or 3DS. OH WAIT, it already has. *sobs some more* I HATE YOU NINTENDO, SEGA, WHY CAN'T YOU RELEASE SOMETHING FOR A SYSTEM I HAVE?! And I was so excited when I realized Project Mirai was for DS... But it's for 3DS only... and I hate myself everyday because of it... TT^TT
So. Anyway. *cough*
Speaking of video games, before I start, do any of you have a Pokemon Generation V game? (Black, White, Black 2 or White 2.) Because I think it'd be cool to try the friend code wifi battle thing. You know, where you exchange friend codes and can battle even overseas? I think that's awesome! Yet... nobody I know has registered their game onto Global Link, and because it's shutting down, you can't make a new account anymore. Because Nintendo hates me. So, do any of you have a Generation V game registered onto Global Link? PM me, we'll exchange friend codes- AND YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH OF MY AWESOME lvl 83 LATIOS. Oh yeah. Shit just got serious. (And by the time this is posted, it'll be level 90-something. Have fun.)
Anonymous Reviews:
B.L: You promised me magical reviews when I update. I'm gonna keep you to your word. ;) Hahaha~!
Chapter 9 - I'm Melting
Monday, October 29th, 2011
Dear Diary,
There are a lot of stupid things a person can do. For example, a person could say, 'Yes hun, those pants do make you look fat.' Or you could purposely anger a lion, just for the fun of it. You could put your hand through a paper shredder. Or you could even ask your twin brother to kiss you.
I've done only one of these.
I've never really thought of myself of a stupid person, and I still don't. Just sometimes, I do stupid things. Even so, if I were to redo, I would probably have done the same thing. In fact, I'm proud of myself for having found the courage to try.
Naturally, he thought I was joking. He sputtered and laughed, and I kind of expected him to... even though secretly I was still hoping he'd say, 'No problem.' And then he realized I was serious... and his face kind of contorted into something not quite disgust, but not too far from it either.
"Rin, that's just... that's not right," he said.
"Why not? It's no big deal."
"You're my sister!"
After another twenty or so rounds of this repeated dialogue, he got tired of it and walked out. And I sat there and tried not to cry. Tried and failed.
I know I sound casual saying it now, but it's embarrassing, even just writing it down. I have too much pride to really admit to crying. I hate when people see me cry. But... um... It actually hurt really bad.
I mean, you'd think that, having been twins for nearly fifteen years now, he'd at least somewhat understand how I feel. Maybe he'd have thought of it once or twice. If I was head over heels for him, then maybe just once he might have looked at me and thought, 'What if we weren't related...?'
But... no. He obviously didn't understand me. Because he called it wrong. He thought it was disgusting. He thought I was disgusting. Disgusting... Disgusting... Do you know how that feels?! To be told you're disgusting?! To know the one person you live for thinks the way you feel is gross and weird, to know you must have problems because nobody else thinks like you? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS?!
Shit. Shit... I'm crying again.
I already cry too much.
He hadn't checked on me this morning. He hadn't been at home at all yesterday. It could have just been coincidence or imagination, yet I couldn't help but feel like Len was avoiding me. Or maybe I was just being a drama queen.
Maybe it wasn't like that. Maybe he wasn't actually afraid to be around me. Oh, but that was wishful thinking, wasn't it? He knew now, definitely. He'd surely know. How couldn't he know? He'd been there, he... he'd heard me say it. He was there when I asked him to kiss me and he rejected me. And now he knew.
I didn't want to wake up at all. I just wanted to sit here with my dearest diary and write to the only one who understood me.
I knew I was just being a drama queen. Of course I was... but I got depressed easily. I always have, too. When something bad happened, I always gave up and chickened out.
I was amazed I still hadn't given up on Len.
It was just proof that this love was real.
I've always wondered why the hell it had to be Len. I couldn't ever really figure it out. Maybe I was just feeling rejected and because he was there, because he told me he loved me, I ended up projecting my feelings onto him instead. It's possible. Maybe I was only ever using Len as a substitute. But I don't believe in that. Because Len has never felt to me like some replacement. He's always been the only one, I think. No, maybe not the only one - there was that incident... - but he's always been the most important. Even throughout that incident, I couldn't help but think of him, couldn't help but want him, couldn't help but pretend it was him instead of her...
I checked the clock and sighed. I had school which meant I had to get up. Or did I? Len probably wouldn't bother checking on me if I didn't get up. Leon might ask why I missed school, but that wasn't likely. He probably wouldn't bother checking, wouldn't bother noticing. And if he did, well, it's not like he'd paid much attention to the first fourteen years of my life. It shouldn't matter.
The doorbell rang. I heard it perfectly clear. Oh, could it be sweet, sweet Miku, come to escort my dearest brother to school like the sweet little girlfriend she is? Ha. Haha. ...That bitch. If I could, I would trade my life for hers in a second.
I heard some voices downstairs, one that I distinctly recognized as Len's and another one that I just didn't feel like hearing. I hate that Miku, I hate that Miku, I hate that Miku...
Footsteps on the stairs. Probably Len going to get something in his room.
I was going to be late for school... I should probably get dressed. I don't like not knowing what I've missed during a day of school. ... Yeah.
I tugged off my yellow flannel pajama shirt, ignoring its buttons, and shivered a little. It was cold nowadays... After all, it was almost winter. Halloween was in two days, too...
"Hey, Rin, I-" I watched the door open with wide eyes. Part of me was horrified, most of me shamelessly excited, like a stupid little slut. Because I knew that voice.
He didn't notice anything at first, just took a step inside without thinking. When I stood, though, he finally looked up... and froze. Maybe he went into shock.
It's not like we haven't seen each other naked before. We'd bathe together as kids and even today he'd still walk around shirtless if it was hot out (and yes, it killed me every time he did so). He'd even seen me in a sport's bra before. But maybe it's different now that we're teenagers.
It only lasted a few seconds before he ducked his head and blushed a bright red. "I-I... I'm sorry...! J-Just... Nem is here. He... He says he has something to tell you. I... I'm sorry. I should have knocked." And he stepped back out, closing the door behind him.
... Oh my gosh. What the hell was I thinking?!
Simply, I hadn't been. I couldn't believe myself... Had my hormones really taken over my mind so easily? I mean, WHAT THE HELL! Things were already awkward enough because of my request yesterday, and then... And then I'd gone and...
Oh gosh. I was losing my common sense. And the worst part of it all was that, while I was beating myself up for having created more awkwardness, I didn't feel all too much shame about what I'd done either. ...Even though I'd done it on purpose. It almost felt like I was blaming him, even though he'd done nothing wrong... in fact, he did the right thing. And yet... why was I...?
I was losing my common sense. I was losing my correct judgment. Maybe I was even beginning to go crazy. All I knew was that, just then, something wasn't completely right with me. Yet still I ignored it.
My head was beginning to hurt...
I pulled on my shirt and sat there for a minute with my head in my hands, hoping Len would leave early. I felt so sick today... I just wanted to knock on Mizki's door and collapse in her arms. She'd take good care of me. You know, maybe she'd even let me stay over a few days... That'd be good. Yeah, I could stay with Mizki and Yuuma, waiting for the awkwardness to blow over... Or maybe I could stay there forever...
It sounded good now but I knew it wouldn't last long. I wouldn't be able to stay away from Len. I knew from experience. I craved him like a junkie needs narcotics. It was an unhealthy obsession I just couldn't quit. And I didn't really want to, either...
Oh. Nem was here. I'd forgotten. It would be rude to keep him waiting any longer.
I opened the door and looked both ways. It was silent and empty, meaning Len wasn't there. Len wasn't good with silence, not when he was getting ready for school. He could be perfectly soundless when studying or reading or anything that required sitting still, but if he was walking or packing or just doing something, he would always hum a song or chuckle at his own thoughts or something. Len was just a happy person.
I snuck down the stairs and could see even from there that the door was opened a crack. There was a small clatter, the sound of a spoon hitting the bowl, and I realized Len was in the kitchen. Perfect. Even though there was a glass-less window in that wall, overlooking the living room and foyer, it was unlikely he'd look and notice me. He'd probably be too focused on breakfast.
I pulled open the door and poked my head outside. Leaning against our small porch's rails was our clean costumed driver. He smiled when he saw me. "It's about time."
"Watch your mouth," I snapped teasingly. "I could get you fired, you know."
"Very true." He smiled, gazing up at the sky. I'd later find that Nem was a deep thinker. He was very smart and probably could have settled for a much better job than being two spoiled kids' driver, yet he never showed any sign that he wished for any different situation. He was good at his job. Too good.
It bothered me sometimes that I couldn't tell if he was being nice because he was paid to or because he genuinely cared. While his paycheck was the more likely reason, I liked to think maybe he cared about us at least the tiniest bit... though that was probably just childish of me.
"Len said you had something to tell me?"
"Mm, yes, my lady." He rotated his shoulder, stretching the muscle. "Your father has settled things with your school. You won't be attending today. Instead..." His eyes glimmered in amusement. "You'll be brought to the company. He'd like to introduce you to your chores."
"Chores?"
"He wants to show you the ropes, that's all." He saw my brows crease. "I don't think it's anything to be worried about. If anything, it should be educational. After all, you are the heir, right, my lady?"
"You can just call me Rin."
"Yes, my lady."
I rolled my eyes and saw him smile. "I'm not the heir. He hasn't chosen one."
"Your father? I thought he had." He shrugged. "He sure treats you like the heir."
A pause. "Is Len coming?"
"Mm, no, not today. I presume he will go another day instead." What was the point in that? What was wrong with bringing us both? Even then I found that strange. "You may want to get changed into something a little more..." He searched for the right word. "Sophisticated."
"Why should I?"
Nem seemed surprised by my attitude. "Because you are visiting a very important company, of course! Needn't you dress respectfully?"
"You don't have to talk so politely, Nem," I said with another exaggerated eye-roll. "I'd rather you outrightedly tell me to stop being a brat."
He smiled, his dark eyes crinkling. "I'd never say such a thing."
"Whatever."
He drove Len to school as I was getting ready. I waited for the black limo on the porch, dressed in a slightly-puffed-sleeved white shirt and black tights under my uniform skirt. Yes, the most elegant thing I owned (apart from the dress Lily had bought me the other day) was my own school uniform. Well... there was that pencil skirt I'd worn the first time, but that was uncomfortable.
Nem looked me over and nodded approvingly, walking over to open my door for me as I locked up the house (which I should have done earlier anyway but forgot).
"I don't feel too great this morning," I said as I sat down.
"Are you nervous?"
About the company visit, he meant. "Well, yeah, a little, but... I don't think that's got anything to do with it." I was seriously considering the stay-at-Mizki's plan now, but both she and Yuuma worked a lot. Mizki wasn't one to say no, but I knew I'd be inconveniencing them by staying over. Ugh... Did Nem have an extra bed, a couch maybe...? Nah, now I was just being stupid.
"If it's your head that aches, there is some Advil in the glove box. I make sure to always have some just in case. If it's your stomach that hurts, we could always just pull over for a while."
"Thanks." I found the Advil and dry-swallowed one.
We drove quietly for a minute or two before Nem spoke up. "My lady, if it's okay for me to question this out loud... Do you hold some dislike against Len-sir?"
"H-Huh?!" I bounced back in surprise and saw a small smile form on his face. "What makes you think that?!"
"Just a hunch, my lady," he answered quietly.
I shook my head. "I don't hate him, or dislike him or whatever verb you want to use. I love my brother very much. If anything, this must be the first week in years that we haven't been completely together."
"That's not true."
"Huh?" I turned to face him, torn between fulfilling my curiosity and telling him to mind his own business. "U-Um... What do you mean...?"
"The other day, you left the mall on your own. All by yourself. I picked you up and took you home. But Len wasn't there. So you aren't inseparable, my lady, because you willingly both chose to separate from each other."
"... Be quiet."
"As you wish, my lady. Do know however that I am worried for your happiness."
"Huh? What do you mean?" He smiled to himself, still staring straight at the road. I felt myself grow irritated. "You don't have to be quiet now..."
"I meant what I said. If I knew why you are unhappy, you wouldn't be so anymore."
"You're... being cliché, now."
He laughed. "I'm merely one hell of a driver."
"You stole that from somewhere. I know I've heard that before."
He chuckled.
Every time I stood in front of the huge Kagamine building I felt tiny and useless.
I couldn't help it; I stared at this tall building that had been my father's dreams filled with people working hard to create something wonderful, and... I thought of myself, this stupid little high schooler who knew nothing of what she wanted to do in life and how she was going to get it. The only thing I could ever think of was how much I hated myself.
And then there were people like my father who knew what they wanted and did all they possibly could to achieve that goal. Those were the people worth living. Not people like me, who sat there watching them in awe and jealousy...
"My lady?"
I didn't belong here. I wasn't worthy of climbing these beautiful steps that were likely polished clean every morning. Someone like me wasn't worthy of passing under the golden arch of that entrance with the golden swirls and the great room beyond it. These pink-red floors didn't deserve my soiled footprints.
"Rin?"
I couldn't answer at first. I was suddenly just filled with this feeling of... well, I didn't know. It was a choking feeling, like an awkward bubble caught in my throat stopping me from breathing. Suddenly there was this heavy weight over me, pulling me down, forcing me into a dragging slouch...
"RIN!"
I jumped and looked around. Somehow I'd forgotten who and where I was. I was lost in this weird world where everyone was tall and sparkling except for me, this tiny undeserving being...
"Hey, are you alright?" Nem. Nem was staring at me, a hand on my shoulder, staring at me with his dark-colored eyes. The room swirled around me for a bit but after I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again, things went back to normal. I was in the lobby of the Kagamine talent office. Nem wasn't the only one here; there was a whole crowd of people surrounding me whispering about the 'Kagamine heir' and asking if I was alright.
"What... What happened?"
"I don't know what happened, Rin," Nem answered. "Are you feeling alright? Do you want to sit down?"
Someone behind him called for a glass of water.
Most of the crowd was people in suits, women and men of varying ages. On the outer skirts I could see young idols dressed up in frilly clothes of all colors. Where... Where had all these people come from? It was... suffocating...
I realized Nem was supporting me behind my back, keeping me from falling, and I pushed him away rougher than I meant to. "I'm fine," I said, scowling. He straightened and nodded his head, keeping a good watch on me.
I turned and glared at the circle around me. "You're in my way," I hissed. ... What? What was I doing? This wasn't right... Why was I acting so mean...?!
"Are you sure you're alright?"
"Miss Rin, would you like me to bring your father?"
"I've got that glass of water!"
"I said I'm fine!" They all shut up. I took a step forward and people automatically moved out of my way. It was... strange. As if I was superior to them all. They respected me without my having done a single thing. That only depressed me even more, I think.
They watched me walk to the elevator but only Nem followed me. Everything was silent and it drove me crazy, made me twitch and shiver because I could feel their eyes on me. They were watching me. If I tripped and fell, they'd all see me do it. They'd laugh at me.
I pressed the 'close' button so fast once inside the elevator that Nem almost got caught in the middle. "Wow," he breathed. "Careful there, my lady."
He raised his hand to push the golden 'K' button at the top of the button tower but hesitated. And then he lowered his hand. I didn't know what he was doing but when he did, I suddenly realized how heavily I was breathing. I was panting, breathless. My head buzzed and itched inside and I just felt tired all of a sudden. The next thing I knew, I was slumped down on the ground, trying not to cry.
"Do you want an ear?"
I almost didn't hear him at first. "H-Huh?"
He moved for a second like he was going to turn around but stopped. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I took a deep breath. "I... I don't know what there is to say."
"No?"
"... I don't know what happened..."
He didn't say anything for a long time. Eventually he turned around. And he stood there leaning against the wall and watched me, waited for me to say something, waited for me to tell him I was ready.
And for a moment, for a moment I thought to myself, I wish it were Len. I wish it were Len who was making me feel like this right now. I wish it was him being so caring right now. If... If he'd been put in this situation... would he have acted the same way? Would he have been able to care so much?
"... Nem..."
He looked up sharply, suddenly very attentive. "Yes, my lady? What is it?"
I wondered whether I should ask. Maybe he wouldn't know the answer. Maybe it was stupid to ask him anything of this manner. But I wanted to know. I wanted to know so bad, that... I... I needed to know so bad that I felt I had no choice but to risk it.
"Nem... What... How do you know...?" I trailed off but he didn't interrupted. He just waited for me to form my words. "What is... love?"
I watched him carefully through teary eyes. I didn't even know why I was crying or when it'd begun. I didn't really know anything. His eyes widened as though he hadn't expected such a question. With a sigh he reached for the brim of his chauffeur's hat and tugged it off, placing it on his chest.
"You're asking me an impossible question here..."
That's what I thought.
"May I ask why you're wondering such a thing, my lady?" Yet when he looked at me, he seemed slightly worried, though he tried to mask it with his playfulness.
"No, you may not."
"Pardon me, my lady. Let's see..." He gazed upwards. "It depends on every person, I think. To some people, love is as simple as being accepted. To others, love is someone that makes them comfortable. Others see it more in people they enjoy being around. It's when..." He paused for a moment to think about it. "It's when you feel like you need someone, need them so desperately that if you were to somehow lose them, your entire world would fall apart. That's what makes it different from a simple crush. You can choose to ignore infatuation or to control it to your liking, but... love can sometimes cause more harm than good. It's dangerous."
Dangerous?
"So, to be in love would mean you care so much for the person that you'd be willing to risk this danger in order to be with them." He looked at me and waited for my answer.
"... Dangerous...?" That seemed odd. Normally books and manga and all other things described love as flowers and roses... never usually as dangerous.
"Take the world's most famous love story, for example," Nem said, gesturing as he spoke. "Romeo and Juliet were ready to risk their parents' wrath for the sake of their love. They even died for each other in the end. So, knowing this, some people might think the down-side of love isn't worth its up."
The downside of... "What do you think, Nem?"
He smiled at me, his dark eyes creasing. "I think it's plenty worth it."
My cheeks reddened slightly. I thought of Len and I. He didn't love me that way. He thought of me as a sister, nothing more. But I... well... There really was danger in the way I felt, wasn't there? We were brother and sister, twins of the womb. If people found out the way I felt about Len, they'd be disgusted. They'd tear us apart. We'd lose everything.
Everything... Ha.
But even so, I couldn't help feeling the way I did. Even just thinking about him made my heart squeeze a little inside. I missed him, even though we'd seen each other just this morning, and...
Oh. I'd almost forgotten about the kiss incident. Oh god... I wouldn't be able to look at him. It was one thing to risk danger for love, but to do something so stupid... and then this morning too, when I'd purposely let him walk in as I undressed! Now, something like that, that was just suicide!
"If I may say so, I'm very worried for you, Rin."
"... Mm?" I'd been too caught up with my thoughts and hadn't really listened to him. "What is it?"
"I suppose it's alright to let you know that, while I was subjected as your assistant, miss Rin, I was also instructed by your father to keep an eye on you."
Oh? "My assistant? I thought you were only my driver?"
"I assist you by driving you to school, don't I?" He smiled. "Still, I'm worried about you. You seem very stressed and I think you might have too much to deal with right now. I wish you'd talk to me about it, but you seem to rather keeping it to yourself. I'm worried your health will suffer because of the way you're feeling and I'd feel much more reassured if something were done to help you with this."
I blinked. "You..." No way. "You think I'm... crazy." No, not Nem, please, not Nem of all people...!
"I would never call you such a cruel name."
"You think I'm crazy."
He made sure his eyes locked onto mine as they narrowed. "I don't think, nor will I ever think that you are crazy. I don't think anyone in this world is crazy." He'd dropped his usual polite dialect. "I'd appreciate it if you stopped putting words in my mouth."
I glared back at him. "You think I have problems. Think whatever you want, I don't care. Your opinion doesn't matter." What? "Nothing you say is going to change the way I act, so I'd appreciate you butting out." What?! "Now be quiet and do your job. We're late." Th-That's not what I meant to say at all!
For a second there was a look on Nem's face I'd never seen before. He stepped forward and, oh god, I thought he'd snapped. On reflex my hands shielded my face and I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping he wouldn't hurt me too badly, but... nothing happened.
I looked up and found his back to me. The 'K' of the elevator button tower was lit yellow now and I realized the elevator was moving. Embarrassed, I dropped my hands. Oh gosh, I couldn't believe I'd actually thought he would... Oh gosh.
It was quiet for a long time before he finally spoke, not turning an inch in my direction. "I'd never hurt you, Rin. I'd never lay even a finger on you. Please, I'm sorry if I seemed like that was in my character, because I swear I would never ever perform any act of violence on anyone within this tall building. Please tell me you understand."
I felt like there was more he wanted to say and stayed silent, but he didn't say another word, not until we'd reached the twenty-first floor. The doors opened and a middle-aged man stepped in.
"Please don't talk to me the way you did. I respect you very much, miss Rin." At the sound of my name the other man inside the elevator looked over. "As much as I respect your wishes, I dislike arrogance. I haven't a choice but to obey, of course, but I'd much prefer it if you spoke slightly kinder to others." A quick glance my way. "Just because you've got a lot on your plate, doesn't mean you have to dish it out to other people. Do you understand?"
"You can't tell me what to do!" I snapped back.
The doors opened but the man almost didn't notice, so engrossed was he in our conversation. Just as the doors were closing he seemed to notice he was missing his floor and fled.
"My apologies, my lady," Nem said, his back still facing me.
The screen in the top corners flashed twenty-three. Twenty-four.
"... I didn't mean it," I told Nem quietly. "I didn't mean to say all that... I... I'm not arrogant... Please don't be mad. I didn't mean it...!"
"I know," he said. The elevator dinged. The doors opened. Only then did he turn towards me and smile with those dark eyes of his. "I understand."
Did he really or was he just saying that? I wished that elevator ride had lasted a little longer so I could explain to him that I really, truly didn't mean a word I said and that I had no idea what was wrong with me. Oh god, I wish we could be back down on the first floor, when he'd just waited for me to tell him I was ready. I wasn't ready. I really, really wasn't ready. There were so many things I needed to ask, so many answers I needed to know...
That's it. Later today, I'd go visit Mizki and Yuuma. They'd know the answers. They'd be there for me.
Thinking like that reminded me who hadn't been there for me throughout my fifteen years; the father behind the opaque doors. The father who'd summoned me here in the first place. The father who's only interest in me grew from the necessity of an heir.
I'd been overly trusting the first time. This time I'd keep myself closed.
The secretary smiled and nodded my way. Nem tipped his hat at her in return. I just stood by awkwardly. And then he knocked at the door.
"Oh, sir, next time please give me a chance to call in," the secretary asked politely. "We'd rather limit the amount of knocking so the designs pasted on will not degrade in quality."
Instead of thinking that was a little much (as I was), Nem only respectfully said, "My apologies. I'll remember for next time." The secretary seemed pleased. She pressed a button and there was a small click. Nem began to open the door.
I really didn't want to be in there alone. I wanted Nem with me. Nem had something about him that made people comfortable around him. I could tell Len felt the same way. When he was frustrated about something at school, he'd mumble and sigh a little in the car but would gradually get into a better mood.
I wish I could have the same talent.
My father stood from his chair when we walked in. "Nem, it's good to see you again. And, my..." He gazed at me fondly. "My dearest daughter. Rin, please, take a seat."
"Shall I take my leave, sir?" asked Nem.
Leon waved him off. "You may." As soon as the doors behind Nem had closed he chuckled. "I'm quite fond of him. One of my favorites here, actually. It's becoming rarer and rarer to find people with his level of respect." He smelt of light cologne (pleasing, actually) and of whatever he'd had for lunch that day.
"That's... generous of you."
He noticed my unanimated response and frowned. "So we're back to being strangers?" he asked, though he didn't seem all too surprised nor disappointed. He expected it and didn't think much of it.
"I believe our situation is closer to that of business partners," I responded, and praised myself for having kept a neutral tone.
Leon stared at me for a few seconds and I swore I saw a small smile. "Very well. I won't bother you with formalities then. Shall we get to the point?"
"Yes, please."
I think he was amused. "Well then... you've joined a club." So Nem really did tell him. "I'm glad you followed my instructions. A shame though, I'm sure you'd have made a terrific class president..." Was he teasing me? Yes, yes he was. His smile gave him away.
"Please, cut to the chase." Being neutral was affecting my patience. "Why did you ask me to be here?"
Another chuckle of amusement. "I told you during our first visit that I'd be organizing meetings to train my heir."
Oh... no... "Len isn't here."
A smile. "Len isn't here," he agreed. He knew exactly what I was realizing.
"You've already chosen your heir."
And he didn't deny it. He didn't respond in any way. He straightened and crossed his hands on his desk. "I will escort you personally to the fifth floor, where auditions are about to start. We'll be choosing a new female idol. These are easier to decide on versus male idol auditions, but you'll learn why soon enough." He smiled like he was sharing a secret. I felt like deep down, even though he was an adult, he felt a little excited about it all. And... I couldn't help it. I felt my guard become a little less thick.
He was good at breaking people's walls.
"Now, the pre-judges have narrowed it down to three for the sake of teaching you," Leon explained.
We were now facing a one-way glass window where a girl a few years older than me stood impatiently. A few other people were with us, seated with their coffees and quietly murmuring about this girl, and I wondered if she realized how much she was immediately being judged.
"We will watch all three and I want you to tell me who you think should be hired. Then you will explain why, and I will tell you who I chose. After that, you are free to leave... if you want to." He smiled as if he was just so sure I'd never refuse that last offer. I didn't like it.
I'd told him already enough times that I wasn't interested in this company. I wanted to leave it to Len, because I knew he'd be far more excited by this kind of thing. He'd enjoy this kind of thing. He'd pick the right girl. I wouldn't. I knew I wouldn't.
Maybe I should just leave now. I'd excuse myself for the bathroom and make an escape. But... then where would I go? I hadn't been here enough times, I didn't know my way home. Nem probably wouldn't drive me home knowing my father was looking for me. And... who else was there to call?
For now I was stuck here. God fucking damnit.
Someone pressed the button and told the girl to begin. She nodded and made a face, like she was creeped out by the whole procedure.
There was no music so the girl could begin whenever she felt like. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth.
... She was... good, but... there was just something about the way she sang that I couldn't get over. When I closed my eyes and listened, she was amazing. When I opened them and watched her, she didn't sound so great anymore.
I glanced over at Leon. He was doing the same thing, closing his eyes, then opening them again, frowning when he did so. About a minute in, he straightened and crossed his arms. That's when he noticed me staring. "Are you listening?" he asked with a smile. He was amused to have caught me. Everything seemed to 'amuse' him.
"I listened," I said, keeping my voice monotone. I wouldn't whine in front of this man. Part of it was defiance, yes, not wanting him to let him treat me like a daughter, but another equally greater part of it was, as much as I willed deny it, the fact that I didn't want him to think I was weak. I didn't want him to be disappointed in me because I wasn't as emotionally strong as he'd thought. Playing hard-to-get, maybe, but I kind of wanted to feel like it was a challenge to warm me up. Especially after how easily I'd fallen last time. Geez...
"Has your opinion been decided?"
"... Yes, I think."
His eyes gleamed. "Not 'I think'. Never 'I think'. Either you know for sure or you don't. Never hesitate that way with your decisions Rin or people will be sure to take advantage of you." There were a lot of things I didn't know about business, but I didn't want him to be the one to criticize me. I would be perfect from now on. He wouldn't be able to advise me on a single further thing.
I held my chin up a bit higher. "I'm done listening to her."
Leon smiled and said to one of the other men in the room, "You heard what the lady said."
Shortly after the speaker sounded. The girl only looked up, almost disinterested. "Thank you, that'll be fine." The girl blinked a few times and, to my surprise, looked infuriated. It lasted only a second but it brought out a loud chuckle from my father.
"And so you were right..." He seemed thoughtful.
I still couldn't decide what it was I'd disliked about the first girl but my thoughts were interrupted as the second entered.
She seemed very quiet and shy. She couldn't seem to lift her gaze from the tips of her toes and was folded inwards, using her back as a shield. It was somewhat strange; her posture reminded me of a turtle, retracting into its shell whenever it felt threatened. Even though no one was in the room with her, she felt our eyes and hid. I thought it could be somewhat cute if used in a certain way, but... would this affect her singing?
"Start whenever you feel comfortable."
And after a big breath, two breaths, one big shudder, she swallowed and looked up at us as if she could see us through that one-way glass. And then she began to sing.
Her voice was unique... outstanding. It had this strange quiver to it that was quite appealing and her voice, though the song itself was simple enough, her voice carried such expression... The song was about reaching and succeeding one's dreams; I was able to hear this thanks to her clear enunciation of her words and the strength of her projection.
And then all of a sudden, mid-way through her song, she seemed to realize something. Her eyes opened wide and her shoulders shrugged forwards again. Gradually her voice began to falter until it was miniature and small.
Father frowned.
"Is everything alright, miss?"
Without lifting her head I saw her eyes roll up to look at the glass in front of her. The poor girl... Her eyes were teary and I realized she was shaking, trembling so much that even her dark, beautiful black hair seemed to shiver. She was terrified. "I..."
"Miss?"
"... I... I'm sorry...!" Her voice choked and I thought she'd burst into tears then and there. But she was braver than that. Even though I knew that was what she wanted to do (anyone looking at her would be able to tell), she forced herself to look back up at us, arms crossed self-consciously over her chest. And she stared at us for a full four seconds. "Th-... Thank you for having me..." Rather quickly she walked out. I heard a whimper just before she stepped out of view.
"Hm. It's a good thing we ask for visual auditions," Leon said. "From the audio recordings, I was sure this would be our girl."
Were all auditions this easy? It seemed obvious now that the third girl would win by default. Somehow it seemed unfair.
The third girl was bright and bubbly. "Oh, is it here? Oh, okay. Hello, everybody!" Her voice was a sing-song kind, every word spoken like a melody. "My name is Akira Tina!" She bowed for us and giggled. "Wow, I'm so happy to be here, I'm like, so excited!" She seemed full of this cutesy laughs. She was pretty with her light brown curls and had a youthful and refreshing personality. "So, like, when am I supposed to start...?"
"Whenever you feel comfortable, miss," the speaker told her.
"Oh, okay, okay!" She grinned. "So, um... Ah, I feel so nervous!" She laughed. "Like, I feel like I'm being watched, but like, I can't see anyone... It's so creepy!"
"Miss?"
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, I have to start now. Yeah, sorry... Hehe~!" She was almost impossibly positive.
I listened to her sing. Dad had his arms crossed, a smile on his face as he watched. Me, though... I couldn't stop thinking of that second girl. Was she alright? The auditory audition hadn't required anyone to see her, so maybe the pressure of being watched was too much. Of course, that'd be a terrible quality for an idol, yet her voice... her voice was fantastic...
This girl, she was alright. I didn't like her as much as I'd liked the first two, but I couldn't really decide why. I just didn't.
Before the auditions had ended, I'd made up my mind.
"Well, Rin? What did you think?"
"The second girl deserves the spot," I said immediately. I was so sure, so sure...
Leon's smile widened as if he knew I'd answer this way. "Mm... I thought you might say so..." He clucked his tongue. "I'll be telling them now to pick the third girl. Akira Tina, was it? She will be our new idol."
I thought of her again. In my head, she'd been just an average person. Her voice had been good, yes, but not as good. The first two were better. ... Was he...? Could he have chosen her just to spite me? Had he chosen her just to rile me up?
I struggled to keep my face straight and my chin high. "Why her?"
He smiled and I knew he was pleased I'd asked. I knew I shouldn't have, that I was playing into his hands, but I was so curious... "Didn't you notice how angry the first one was? I know you saw it. Her voice was the best of the three but you didn't think so. And there is a specific reason behind it, whether you've realized it or not: it was her attitude."
"Her attitude?"
"The whole time she sang, she looked annoyed, didn't she?" His eyes were crinkling. "The reason she didn't sound as good as she should have was because she had such a bad attitude. People like friendly people, but that girl wasn't friendly, was she? She didn't sing for us because she wanted us to appreciate her; she sang for us because she had to. And that can make all the difference between a successful idol and a failure behind bars."
I could only stare at him. What he said made sense, because I remembered that while she sang, she'd been smirking. Her hand was on her hip and she rolled her eyes at her instructions. It was like she thought she had better things to do. And I hadn't liked that.
"As for the second one, well, things get a little harder to explain here." He turned his gaze back to the now empty room. "The easiest thing to point out would be the way she never managed to finish her song. That in itself would be the strongest factor against her. But still, she was good, right? She might have been worth it, right?"
"... I thought so."
"But there's one thing you need to remember during these auditions," Leon said. He took a deep breath that seemed to make him stand a little taller. "A voice is like clay; anyone can shape it into anything if they know how to do so. You can turn an alto into a soprano or help someone hold a note for a full five minutes. Personality, on the other hand, is very different. It's not easy to change who you are." He shifted.
"If you are born with quiet genes, it's extremely difficult to become outgoing. If you're born arrogant, it's sometimes difficult to be humble." He tilted his head. "And so, the reason I choose the third girl is because her voice can be made better in no time. Someday her voice will be superior to her rivals' today. As for the second girl, no matter how hard she tries, it is highly unlikely she will ever be able to achieve Akira Tina's confidence or natural charisma. This is the reason she is getting rejected. She's just not suited for an idol's role."
With the conclusion of his speech, he finally looked back at me. I don't know what I looked like; my mask had melted, yet I didn't know what face I was making... All I could do was think about the second girl. She couldn't finish her song, yet, at the end... She'd looked up and practically glared at us, trembling as she did so. She forced herself to look us in the eye. That must have taken her a lot of courage... "She can be."
"Hm?"
"She can be an idol. You can change her personality. I know you can. If you can make clay out of someone's voice, you can make a sculpture out of a person's personality. You... You have to..." I couldn't believe what I was saying. It was something in those eyes of hers... Something there made me want to try. I wanted to try for her. I wanted to believe in her.
When I looked up, Leon was smiling, as usual, yet there was a special glint within his irises. I didn't like it. I knew he was pleased with me, that he was mischievously planning something new for me, his gears rotating within his head. "So... I'll make you a deal then. We'll hire the second girl... if you become her mentor."
What?
"It'll be your job to help her personality grow and to book her events when she's ready. You'll have to show her how suffocating fame can really be without breaking her. Somehow you're going to have to get her ready for everything she'll need to experience. You'll be her only teacher. Do you think you're up for it?"
Me? A teacher? I didn't know nothing, anything about this business, yet now he wanted me to be a girl's only hope for stardom?! The debate didn't last all that long. "I can't do it, sir. Please ask someone else."
A mocked sigh. "A shame... I suppose we'll have to reject her, then."
I thought of those eyes, those pretty gray eyes. I could see her on a stage in front of thousands of people. Yes, I could see it, so clearly...
But not if I were to teach her. It was impossible. She'd sit there looking up to me, trusting me to bring her somewhere, and I wouldn't be able to do a single thing.
"I can't do it, Dad."
For the first time, Dad didn't smile. He made a sour face, and I couldn't tell exactly what he was thinking or feeling, but I knew then that he wasn't oh-so-impossibly pleased anymore. As soon as it appeared it was gone with a sigh. He gestured one of the men over and whispered in his ear. Then to me he spoke, "It's such a shame. I'll bet she would have appreciated it."
I knew what he was trying to do and hurried to re-apply my mask. Leon was trying to make me feel guilty. He was dangling it in front of me, trying to get me to change my mind. And it was working to an extent.
I thought of that last defiant look before she'd ran off and pictured her back on that stage. Except, things were kind of different this time. I saw people with photos snapping pictures and her smile slowly began to fade. They yelled at her, threw things at her, threatened her... And she couldn't take it.
No, as wonderful as she'd been, she'd never be able to survive such pressure if I were the only one to ask. It was best for her to find someone else, as regretful as I was to say so. She'd find someone better than me.
"I can't do it. She needs someone better than me." And all of a sudden I felt like those dark eyes were glaring at me instead, like somehow she knew I'd rejected her. I felt that guilt inside of me. It felt awful, thinking I may have crushed her dreams, all because I wasn't good enough. I knew I'd remember that look of hers 'til the day of my death. ... Ha... That, I did.
"Next, we can go see the-"
"You told me I could go home after this." Would he force me to stay? I hoped not.
He frowned, his brow knitting. Then he sighed. "Very well. I'll escort you downstairs."
I was tired. I could have sat down and written in my journal, lying so obviously on my desk, yet I just didn't want to. I didn't feel like doing anything, really.
As I lay there I thought of our older sister Neru. What was she doing now? Was she happy? Was she even still alive?
Neru wasn't our biological sister; she'd been the only child of our aunt and uncle, yet I've no idea which side she came from. I'd thought for the longest time that both my parents were only children. Even now, nobody has chosen to clear this for me.
According to the story I'd heard, Neru's parents both died somehow, maybe in a car crash, and Leon convinced Lily to keep her. So they raised her and she was supposed to become the company's heir, except she got very rebellious.
I don't know all the details, but she ended up running away from home. People suspected her of being pregnant but nobody had ever stepped forward to prove it. Maybe it was the pressure that got her to run away, or maybe it was just pure defiance.
Maybe she was crazy.
Maybe someday, I'd run away too.
She was about sixteen when she ran away, and I think Len and I were either just born or Lily was still pregnant with us (if she even really did give birth to us; for all I know it could have been some underpaid worker instead).
So, what was she doing now? Had she been right to run away? Was she happier now, wherever she was? These weren't questions I could just ask anyone. Neru was a taboo topic. It was forbidden to speak of her.
Still, I wished she'd come back. She'd be in her twenties now and would be perfectly eligible to take the heir-ship in my place.
Because I really, really didn't want to be heir.
Maybe it sounded like the only reason I didn't want to was because Len might, but that's not all of it. The real reason I don't want to be heir is because, well... because I don't want to. Why can't I just choose what I want to do instead of being forced into this position? Why does one of us have to be stuck like that? I don't... I don't want to do music. Sure, it might sound kind of cool, but I don't think I'm able to do stuff like that and it's not something I want to spend twenty years studying to try. To be honest... it even sounds kind of boring.
Okay, maybe that last part is a little exaggerated. It doesn't sound boring, just... I don't want to. And I wish I didn't have to.
... I'm a mess, aren't I? Practically doomed to live a miserable life. A job I dislike and forever unreturned love for a brother. Going crazier every second.
I thought of what had happened both early this morning and when we'd gotten at the building. Oh god, I was so embarrassed...! I mean, what the hell?! Like... what's going on with me? Am I... really going crazy? Will it get worse? Like... what if I end up... hurting... someone...?
I got out of bed and ran downstairs, then out my door. Quickly to the next house I rushed, my bare feet getting a little cold and hurting from stepping on rocks and sticks and stuff. I rang the doorbell and knocked.
"Mizki...? Yuuma?"
I felt the tears now. Both my eyes were filled, making my vision blurry as I rapped my fist against the wood. "Mizki! Mizki... Please be there...!" I needed my mother right now. My real mother. My adopted mother. "Mizki...! Yuuma..." No. They weren't home. Of course not.
I fell to my knees, scraping one on the way down. Why wasn't anyone there when I needed them? Why was I so alone?
... Yes... It was only noon and both of them worked still at this hour, but... I needed someone to hug me and tell me everything would be alright. Because I was scared. I was scared I might really be going crazy and that someday soon I'd be screaming at people who weren't there and rocking myself in a dark corner, or... or... Or I'd hurt someone. I'd hurt Len. Oh god, I was so scared, I couldn't hurt Len...!
My nose was running. Oh god, I felt disgusting, and that only made me cry more. I was pathetic! So... pathetic...
I am pathetic. And stupid. And disgusting. No one in their right mind would ever fall in love with their own brother, but I'm not just in love, I am obsessed. I am crazy. I'm mental. I'm going to wake up with scars all over my body, my arms chained to the wall. I... I need help... but there's no one to help me. I'm falling, but there's nothing to grab onto. I'm just falling... and... oh god...! I can't do anything about anything! I'm just so stupid! SO STUPID!
"R-Rin?" I couldn't hear her. The voice in my head was louder. "Oh baby, what's wrong?!" I felt her arms on me, but she felt far away. "Rin, hey, what happened? Rin? Come on, let's go inside. You'll freeze out here!"
Mizki. Mizki was here. It was fate.
I felt myself stand and walk with her inside. The air got warmer. My eyes were hurting. I felt terrible everywhere. Because I'm a monster.
"Here baby, sit here... Goodness, you're freezing! How long were you out there?! I'll make you a hot chocolate, I'll be right back."
I'm so tired. I'm so sick of being me. I hate myself. I hate myself for being the way I am. I hate myself for sucking at everything. I sicken myself. God, I'm in love with my brother. It's disgusting! I'm disgusting! It's... It's so... wrong... And I hate myself for... feeling this way...
"Rin? Hey... Come here." I felt something warm and nuzzled into it. It felt nice... "Tell me what happened, okay? You can tell me everything."
"... Miz-... ki..."
"It's okay, I'm right here. You're okay now, baby... You're okay..."
Was I okay? I wasn't okay. But I listened to her voice, her soothing voice, and everything started to melt away...
In sleep, maybe everything was okay. Sometimes I wished I'd never wake up.
Haha. Ha. Hahaha!
January 19th, 2014; 9:42 AM
Damn... It was really hard to finish this. I mean, I started this in November and finished it two months later! Like, umm, hello?
Then again, I stopped in December because I had a bunch of Christmas fics to finish instead, but still... It took a long time to finish this.
I just don't have the time anymore.
Also, a lot of the time I do get is being shared with a new hobby; making music. Yes, as in producing music, like Empath-P does or Circus-P. It's difficult and can get kind of boring sometimes but it's actually really amazing... You know, to think that you can make something so appealing to the ear just by making patterns of sound. It's really quite amazing.
Anyway, I've been slaving over a remixed version of Hirari Hirari, which brings me to a tragic story regarding this...
See, I'd been working on it for nearly four hours and it sounded amazingly good and I was having eargasms and narcissistic seizures every time I pressed play. I was so, so proud of it... except... I forgot to press save. We all know where this is going now. The program stopped responding. And it didn't come back. All that work... it was... gone...! I swear, I had a meltdown. Oh god, the tears, the blood... Okay, no blood, but still. XD I started freaking out to Simon about it, literally blowing-my-own-head-off kind of freaking out, and you know what he says? "You forgot to save. I have no sympathy for you." I could have killed him. I mean, I know it was my fault, but I was going to have, like, a nervous breakdown, and all he says is "I have no sympathy for you"? THANKS.
Oh, and... guys...? You've gotta stop telling me you ship Rin x Nem, it's contaminating me! XD I mean, I had to erase a whole scene because it was like... ... ... flirting. Nem was flirting with Rin. And it creeped the hell outta me. It's your fault for making me think like that! XD *shivers* It got pretty weird though... I ended up erasing all of it. It was the scene in the elevator. He was all like, "I see how you act with Len... If it makes you feel better, why not project those feelings onto me instead?" *twitch* Creeeeeeeepy! Ahaha, I'm so glad I didn't act lazy and just leave it there... I would have liked Nem a lot less if I had.
ANYWAY. Hmm... What else is there to say...? I mean, it's been so long, yet... OH! YEAH! I had exams this week at school. Didn't study for a single one. ^^ I only had a written drama exam and the math EQAO (Evil Questions Attack Ontario? Meh, it fits, so that's what I call it XD). And, lucky me, I think I did really well. I'm literally blessed with the gift of memory. I say blessed because if I didn't have it, I'd be total shit in school. o_o" Yeah... I just can't study. It's impossible.
I have another week of tests coming up too, so that's... ugh. I have a performance exam in Drama (a monologue, YES! Gonna get the best grade in class for SURE!), a written exam in English, a written exam in Math, and a bunch of crap in French. ... That's... every subject I had this semester... o.= Ewwww... tests...
Anyway, I'm sure I'll do really well on them, so I'm not worried at all. ^^ Never am~!
I feel like there was one more thing I was supposed to say... Umm... OH YEAH! Guys, I have a blog now~! It's on... tumblr, I think. (Was it twitter or tumblr...? No, it was tumblr. Definitely tumblr.) I'm not huge on social media, obviously. XD It took me a little bit to figure it out. But hey, please check it out! It's on my profile, so click the link and hopefully, you will be somewhat amused~! Please?
Love,
~Naty17
Let's make this quick, because I really REALLY have to pee. o.o" If you review I will love you forever and I will have your babies and... and... we can imitate dead cats on the side of the road if you want. ... That sounds fun, actually... XD "Mroooowr?" OKAY, I HAVE TO PEE, GOODBYE!
