Narcissa,
May this be the last time you have the manor charmed against me. I tolerate it this once merely because it is the first time, but I warn you now that I will not allow you to run from every conflict we have. What happened to the woman who stormed into crucial meetings if something did not suit her? What happened to the spirit that would not be quelled yet did not resort to melodramatic antics to get her way? And when did you decide there was nothing in this marriage worth upholding? When did you decide that the union we preserved unharmed for 20 years was to be nothing but a façade?! A façade I am grateful you decided to maintain, but a façade nonetheless. Much as I appreciate your concerns to keep this out of public knowledge and to ensure I lack nothing, my darling wife, I'd rather you open the door and face up to what you said to me last night, to the venom you've been harbouring so long.
Frankly, I do not know what you'd have me do! You know well that I cannot refuse His Lordship's requests. What's more you know that I would not refuse them even if I could, simply because they are requests, and that is an honour above all others. Long ago I ceded my life and powers to the better wizard to see my ideals fulfilled, and nothing has changed today to make me step back on such a vow. You say I'm nothing but a pawn to him and that only a coward would willingly grant another man control over his life. I must admit those are words I never expected to hear from you when year after year you claimed to see even humility in this action. On the day I first swore my allegiance to him, I told you that I would see his vision, my ideals, realised and that if it claimed my life or death in the process, so be it. I shall leave behind a better world or my son and his children if it kills me. And you've known all along that it might. So I cannot begin to conceive why now, when the opportunity to succeed has finally returned, you would ask me to renounce it all!
For more than a decade I bowed my head down and let the world pass me by. I did what little I could to uphold my ideals while trying to rebuild our reputation and ensure my family's wellbeing, but all of it was without hope of fulfilment. And that you of all people would claim that renouncing the Dark Lord was something I did merely for myself, Narcissa, is actually outright betrayal. You who asked me, no, who begged me to deny my involvement; you, who cried gratefully when they released me; you, who became my solace in the imprisonment of the false life that followed if only to repay me for what you'd done, you dare accuse me of having done it all for myself! I will admit that Azkaban was not in my direct plans, but had I acted solely for myself, our life would not have been what it has been to date. The unlimited power of money that you know so well, Mrs. Malfoy, had provided me other opportunities, far more subtle, more discrete; an arrangement to leave the country had already been set up, and the trial was a mere formality. A mere formality that found itself interrupted and steered into a completely different direction when I say little Draco, so fragile and vulnerable in your arms, and the fear you were so bravely trying to conceal. I chose there and then not to leave your side, or to tear you from your roots. Leaving Britain would have broken your heart, and that made me sacrifice pride and dignity to obtain freedom another way. So don't you dare berate me for making the choices I made, when they gave us more than twelve years of relative peace by each other's side, and with our beloved son!
But in our son lies perhaps the only shred of truth I could find in your words last night. I have made countless mistakes by him, probably more than I am willing to admit. I raised him as my father raised me, acknowledging only the man he would become and overlooking the boy he actually was. I broke the vow I'd made to you and to myself, to be a different man than my father was; for that, I apologise, to you if not yet to him. I compensated with gifts what I could not give in affection, but drove him to associate my approval only with his success. And, at the very top of my crimes against him, I put his life on the same path as mine without stopping to consider what it would entail.
Not until the night he failed on his task did I realise the damage I had inflicted. When I first spoke with him about his mission, fear flickered in his eyes for only a second before he steeled them again, and instead of intervening, I allowed myself to be deluded by a sense of pride. He knew better than to show weakness, and was willing to sacrifice his life for the cause. I failed to see that he was merely a boy, that no sixteen-year-old deserves to have such pressure on his shoulders. All I saw was a window of great opportunity for my son, and the slim chance of restoring the family pride. Having lost my respectable place in society, the only value I was able to build up for the Dark Lord, His choosing my son to carry out such a task seemed an honour instead of punishment. And so, when Draco turned to me for help, I deferred to better advisors and pushed him towards self-sufficiency; not even "keep safe" managed to escape my lips. Now more than ever, darling, your pleas and warnings ring through my head as signs I failed to interpret, that haunt my dreams, only drowning out by the memory of his screams. Day after day, I am haunted by regret of not having intervened that night, of not having stopped the Dark Lord from taking his misplaced revenge on the body of an innocent. On the body of my only child. And day after day I berate myself for having lost my position, the only leverage that would have been of any worth to Draco that night. Had I intervened as I was, chances are our Lord would have killed Draco on the spot, and I trust you know by now that I care too much for my son to let any harm come to him knowingly. Had you wanted such reckless valour, Narcissa, you ought to have followed that Black streak in you, got burnt off the tapestry and married a Gryffindor. I know you will never be grateful for how I've acted these past years, nor happy about my lack of action the night our son got hurt. But because I did nothing he is still alive and practically unharmed. Furthermore, he is not lost, was not reduced to a hollow shell, uncapable of love. If anything, that can be seen in his fervent protectiveness of you.
So stop spewing your sister's venomous words at me. They are nothing short of arsenic and I'll not stand for it any longer. Henceforth, Bellatrix Lestrange, née Black, is banned from Malfoy Manor. I would also prefer it if you did not go chasing after her, thought if you must I will not stop you. Just believe me darling, when I say this is in your best interest. She has turned you into a puppet, following her will instead of your own. And I can see it draining you of the spirit you once had, the spirit I fell in love with. Now I'm willing to forgive your spiteful words, and I'll even admit that I'm partially to blame, but when I come home tonight, those doors had better be open.
Deep down, dearest, you know I am right, and that I act only out of love for you.
Looking forward to returning home,
Lucius
