Chapter 9: Can't let you go

Tommy's Pov

I haven't talked to Adam for 2 and a half weeks, I don't want to be anywhere near him. Why you ask? Cause that fucker broke my heart that's why! Okay, so maybe I'm overreacting just a little…okay maybe a lot. But…..I have the right to overreact; I mean honestly how would you feel? I mean I thought Adam liked me, he fucking kissed me! He was my first kiss, he was and is my first love, and he shattered my heart. I sigh softly as I watch silent, warm tears fall down my face and into my lap; I'm so damn tired of crying over him.

I get up off my bed and leave my room; I walk out into the empty hallway and into the small bathroom down the hall from my room. I look into the mirror, and I'm pretty sure some sort of monster type creature is staring back at me, I look horrible. My eyes are blood shot, my hair's a rat's nest, and I have eyeliner all over my face. I sigh softly and close the door to the bathroom; I need a shower, maybe than I'll feel better. I stripped out of my grey hoodie and black skinny jeans, and slipped into the shower, turning on the hot water. I wish it were possible to wash away this feeling, this feeling of pure pain, embarrassment, and guilt. Pain for knowing he can't be mine, embarrassment for thinking he actually liked me in that way, and guilt for treating him the way I am.

Adam doesn't deserve to be ignored, no matter what he's done. He's still an amazing person, and I love him, I think I always will. Everything about him is amazing, I just hate the fact that we can't be together, I hate the fact that someone else gets to be with him, gets to kiss him every day, and gets to call him theirs. My heart breaks even more knowing that he belongs to someone else; every time I think of it my heart breaks all over again.

I slip out of the shower and dry off. Than go back into my room and put on a fresh outfit. Then I start to resume lying on my bed, staring at the wall, thinking about Adam. Okay, so this probably isn't healthy, I only leave my room to shower and eat, (I don't even really eat that much anymore) for the rest of the day I just stay in my room and think about Adam, and how he broke my heart. Okay that sounds extremely dramatic, but whatever.

I continue to stare at my wall as warm tears start to fall from my eyes again. I think it's pretty much impossible to stop crying now. I start to curl up into a ball and I start to sob for what seems like the 1,000th time this week. I can't stand these feelings I have for him, I hate that I love him, and I hate that I feel guilty for avoiding him, that motherfucker deserves it! I hear a soft knock on my door which pulls me from my thoughts.

"Go away!" I yell harshly.

"Tommy, can I please come in?" Says a soft half worried half startled voice. It was Lisa, I probably scared her by yelling, she knows me as a pretty clam person, I almost never yell at people, but I can't help it.

"I said go the fuck away!" I scream, okay so maybe that was a little uncalled for, she was my sister after all, I shouldn't talk to her like that, she doesn't deserve it, she's not the one I'm mad at.

"T-tommy please," she begs, "I'm so worried about you, and you seem so upset, I can't stand seeing you like this, please let me come in, I want to help." I sighed softly and got up off my bed, wiping the tears off of my face. I walked over to my door and opened it.

"What do you want Lisa?" I asked coldly.

"All I want to do is help you," she said sounding way older than she actually was, "we used to be so close, you used to tell me everything, what happened to that? What happened to the Tommy I used to know? What happened to my brother? Tommy, I love you with all of my heart and I hate it when you act like this, and I think I deserve to know why, so please just let me help." I sighed softly and pinched the bridge of my nose, please Lisa just go!

"Lisa, you can't help, you'll never be able to help, no one can help me, I can't be helped, you wouldn't understand anyway." I tried closing my door, but she stopped it with her foot.

"I can always try," she says softly, "I'm not a baby Thomas, I know a lot more than you think, I'm not an idiot, and Tommy I know you want help, you push everyone away, and that's your problem, so please for once in your life trust someone, I'm your sister, I love you, I'll always love you, no matter what, no matter who you decide to be, your still my brother nothing will ever change that, so please help me help you." I sighed softly. She has a point, when did she get so smart? I back up a little, letting her into my room, she smiles slightly, walks in, and sits down on my bed, I silently walk over to where she's sitting and sit down next to her. "Tommy, will you tell me what's wrong?" she asks softly.

"I met this person," I say softly, "and this person is one of the most amazing people I've ever met, I can be myself around them, and they just make me feel so alive it's just…." I don't want to finish my sentence.

"They don't feel the same way you do?" She asks softly and looks into my eyes.

"How did you know?" I ask softly, did she like read my mind or something.

"I had a feeling," she says softly, "I can tell."

"How?" I ask.

"Well basically by the way you're acting, that's how most people act when they're heart broken, and you can practically see all the pain on your face, lemme guess you feel in love with them, and they were giving really story signals that they liked you back, but then they went and got in a relationship with someone else and now you feel like an idiot cause you thought they liked you too, and now you hurt so bad that you don't want to see that person ever again, but still you feel guilty and you hate yourself for it?" My jaw dropped.

"How the hell do you know all of that?" I asked shocked.

"Cause I went through the same exact thing," she says softly, "So…what's his name?" My jaw drops even more, wait she knows….how, what? How does she know!

"Wait…you….you know that…I'm-.." She cuts me off.

"Gay? Yeah." She says.

"What? How?" I say shocked and confused.

"Honestly Tommy, do you know how damn obvious it is? I've always known, I'm your sister, it would be bad if I didn't know. And guess what else, I don't care. I love you with all of my heart, I don't care if you like guys or not, you're still my brother, nothing's ever gonna change that, I accept you in every way possible." She smiles at me.

"Adam." I say soflty.

"What?" she asks.

"That's his name," I say softly, "Adam." She smiles a little and puts her hand on mine.

"Well why don't you tell me a little more about this 'Adam'" She says.

"Well we met when Mom had me bring this thing over to their house and we started talking, than we went on this walk together and I ended up coming out to him, than he walked me back home and it started raining, than he kissed me, which by the way was my first kiss," she smiled slightly, "than we started to hang out even more like just hanging at his house or going out, than Mom got upset when she saw us hugging once in front of the house. Then she started yelling at me and shit about how I couldn't be gay and blah, blah, blah. Than about three weeks ago I saw him making out with some random guy on his bed, than he told me that was his boyfriend. So ever since I've been trying my best to avoid him." She looks at me carefully for a moment than speaks.

"Have you ever actually told him how you feel?" She asks.

"Well….no, not exactly." I say softly.

"Then there really isn't anything to blame him for, he doesn't know, you don't really have the right to be mad at him, even though he hurt you so badly. He's probably oblivious to how you're feeling, the only logical thing to do is just tell him how you're feeling." My eyes widen, tell Adam, no way!

"I can't tell him!" I say.

"Yes you can Tommy, I know you can, and if you want things to work out between the two of you, I suggest you tell him. Do you really want everything that you two have worked for to fall apart, because if you never tell him, that's what will happen, and trust me, you will regret it for the rest of your life, so seriously stop sitting around here in self-pity, go get your man!" I smiled a little at her little pep talk, she can be such a dork sometimes, but she is right, I have to tell him, it's now or never.

"Okay, I'll tell him." I got up off my bed and walked out the door.

Okay so now it's time to hear my excuses for not updating, I've been at choir camp all week, I haven't been home, I got home yesterday, and I didn't have a chance to post then because I was busy with my other story that I wrote with XxAdommy4lifexX oh by the way go check out our story, it's called Night At The Haunted Hotel :) and if you haven't read any of her stories I suggest you do, she's an amazing writer :) Anyway I'm sorry I've been a slow updater, but I have ideas for upcoming chapters so yay! I love you all, thanks so much for reading :)

~Sarah~