Halo 4 Screwed Up Version
Chapter 8: Good Morning
Sup bitches we are not done yet we still have the Epilogue. So let's get started.
Screen fades to the Didact's shit ship with Chief speeding up behind him.
Camera changes into the cockpit of the Broadsword because it's always about chiefy mcchief chief.
Cortana starts off, "Approaching the Didact's ship in two hundred kilometers."
All chief said was "k".
Cortana said, "Wait, you don't want to know the details?"
Chief replied, "Nope just need to kill something."
Didact's ship begins to open a slipspace portal.
The hole is about the size of a whale vagina.
Don't ask how I know what a whale vagina looks like.
Because I don't fucking know.
Anyways Cortana says, "The fighter's shields aren't rated for slipspace!"
Chief said, "but the Didact's are."
Chief boosts to the Didact's ship and gets below the ships shield just in time before the Didact's ship enters slipspace and let me tell you I like cereal.
"Well...that...was...um...random", says the Readers who are fucking reading this shit.
Since part this level is going to be skipped, I'm just going to give a nice, clean, beautiful, summary of this part. (that part was all sarcasm, because you all know me)
The reason why I'm skipping the flying of the ship part is because it's all talk and explosions and shit.
So anyways Chief exploded something and made a hole and went through it.
I just realized how weird that sounded.
By the way the ship crashed.
At least they made it in Didact's ship.
Chief walks out of the Crashed ship.
"Now what do we do?", questioned Cortana.
He turns around and carefully removes the warhead from the missile. He then locks it onto the back of his armor and grabs his assault rifle.
Then he says, "Plan Z."
I guess all of his other ideas sucked.
Chief decides heads down a tunnel.
Moments later his HUD tints purple and begins to flicker with static.
Cortana's image appears on a side screen.
Multiple way points are listed on Chief's HUD. (Cortana quit confusing the fuck out of Chief)
Cortana voice started squeaking (OMG fuck you squeaker) and distorting, "Chief, I know what I'm supposed to do, but..."
Chief snaps back, "...but nothing bitch! We have to deploy the warhead manually. Where and how or how and where?"
Cortana complains, "I always know what to do. I always know what to do! ...just give me a sec..."
5 millennium years later...
Everyone dies, the end.
Just kidding.
Laughing out loud I'm funny.
Anyways, Queef said, "I'm queefing! ! !"
DA FAQ
Chief said, "Keep scanning for the Composer. We'll figure it out along the way."
Okay, there we go. :)
Chief killed a lot of Promethean fucktards.
Anyways, I decided to skip a part where chief is fighting the Forerunner robots.
Okay, so now we are at the part where Chief put Cortana in a terminal, and Cortana decides to make copies of herself to put it into the terminal to lower the shields that Didact is hiding in. (fucking cow moooooooooooooooooooooooo)
After killing a few more Prometheans, Chief put Cortana into another terminal and she did the same thing and she will do it to the next five thousand.
Yeah that part was the most boring part lol.
After that happened, Chief inserted that BLEEP into the terminal.
Then Didact said, "And yet, still you fail."
With a wave of his hand like a gay person, the Composer activates and fires at Earth, seen above.
The beam strikes in the North American southwest. (this totally didn't come from the script...)
Didact rises into the beam itself, while enormous energy from it is seen surging below the machine.
Cortana turns to face John.
John tries to retrieve her but the terminal suddenly disintegrates, knocking John away and draining his shields.
He yelled, actually caring, "Cortana!"
Chief runs to a platform and reaches the gravity lift at the end and is lifted to the light bridge.
He runs down it to reach the machine at the end.
GOD I'M SICKEN TIRED OF ALL THESE HE'S!
Chief cautiously walks down the bridge, keeping an eye out for the Didact.
Looking into the beam, he sees the Didact inside vanish.
He continues to walk forward, then turns and aims his BR85 Heavy Barrel Service Rifle (yes it's a Battle Rifle, sorry for being a technical bitch) when he hears the Didact speak.
"You persist too long after your own defeat.", said the Dick Forerunner. (which is Didact)
John levels his weapon, but can't see the Didact anywhere.
Seemingly alone, he cautiously backs away then continues down the bridge.
Behind him, the Didact floats down. (ONLY JESUS CAN DO THAT)
He continues, "Come then, Warrior. Have your resolution."
Good God does all Forerunners have to speak like a lil bitch just like Sangheili?
He turns to fire on him but the Didact telekinetically bats him away. (Wait, that's satanic shit)
Chief's battle rifle falls off the bridge and the nuke falls toward the end of it.
He skids to a stop, turns to look at the Didact, then at the nuke.
He charges toward the latter, but the Didact again telekinetically stops his lunge. (HE'S THE DEMON *dies)
The Forerunner lifts him midair and floats John towards him, removing his own helmet as he does so without even touching his face. O_O
"So misguided."
The Didact floats Chief off the edge of the bridge.
He is unable to do anything to free himself.
His shield flickers from the constraint. (through this whole time, I thought it was going to be a rape scene)
"Humanity's imprisonment is a kindness." ,says the Didact...again.
He tightens his fist, and Chief begins to choke and started cumming.
Hearing a strange whispering (Sloth: RAPE), the Didact looks and sees multiple Cortanas rising from his light bridge. (hey no wonder why cortana said it was like a thousand of her arguing at once)
The gang bang Cortanas said, "In that case, you won't mind if we return the favor."
Didact replies, "Your compassion for mankind is misplaced."
The gang bang says, "I'm not doing this for mankind."
The gang bang leap into his armor and form chains of light that hold down his arms. (oh *licks lips* I know where this is going)
The Didact loses his grip on Chief, who falls and manages to catch the edge of the light bridge.
He looks up and wishes he was gang banged.
Chief struggles to climb up the edge.
His shields are down and don't recharge.
After looking down at the Composer's slipspace energy below, he pulls himself up and pulls out a Pulse Grenade. (up the ass, up the ass, UP THE ASS)
The Didact is still struggling to free himself.
John dashes toward him and plants the grenade on his chest.
The Didact breaks free and punches him away at that moment, but the chains still impede his legs, keeping him from reaching John.
The Didact again strangles John using the constraint field, and the Spartan is about to lose his breath when the pulse grenade detonates.
The Didact reels from the blast and falls off the bridge, dropping into the swirling energy below.
Chief looks down after him then groans as he crawls to the HAVOK bomb. (oh man I wanted to see some action :3)
He tires and eventually can only pull himself with his arms.
Grabbing the nuke and priming it, he looks up at the beam firing on Earth and decides there's no time to escape.
With a loud cry, Chief punches the bomb to make it immediately explode. (no shit, I though confetti was going to come out)
You can hear a loud explosion while Tourettes Guy yells, "HOLY FUCK!"
...
...
...
But, wait.
Chief didn't fucking die.
He comes (lol cum) to inside a purple bubble, which seems to be made out of hard (lol hard) light.
He looks around him then stands on his feet.
Chief says, "Cortana? Cortana, do you read? ANSWER ME DAMMIT!"
Cortana appears...she is at human height instead of midget sized.
She replies, "Jesus Christ, I'm here!"
The two of them walks toward each other. (THIS IS ROMANCE FORMING PEOPLE)
Too early...okay :(
Chief questioned, "How?"
She replies, "Oh, I'm the strangest thing you've seen all day?"
He answers, "Okay, well. How the hell do we get out of here?"
Cortana hesitates, "I'm...not coming with you this time."
Chief's boner softened, "What?"
"Most of me is down there. I only held enough back to get you off the ship."
Chief struggles, "No. That's not-! We go together. Now get yo ass in my helmet!"
"It's already done."
Chief admits, "I'm not leaving you here. Even all the times we had together. I called you a bitch, you call me a green shit. We've been through a lot together."
She whispers, "John..."
Cortana walks up to him and touches his breastplate. (really? no fucking kiss?)
The spot glows in response.
She sighs, "I've waited so long to do that."
John looks away, "It was my job to take care of you." (awwww *vomits* i hate writing romance)
"We were supposed to take care of each other. And we did."
John looks up.
Cortana is smiling sadly. (how da faq is that possible)
Chief said feeling sad for the first time, "Cortana, please."
Cortana begins to back away, out of the bubble.
Chief yelled, "Wait!"
Her final words, "Welcome home you fucking piece of cunt ass licking sack of shit."
Cortana steps out of the bubble and vanishes forever.
John who is staring at where she was, and as the Didact's ship crumbles around him.
The camera fades to white, then cut to black. (racist much?)
For some odd reason I felt like laughing and crying at the same time when I wrote this. Coming up next, the Epilogue. I might even post it the next day. THANKS FOR READING! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
