Ambrose
Whaoh.
What a weird trip that was. Not what I was expecting at all. I open my eyes slowly because I can feel something isn't quite right and I wasn't wrong there. I'm not on my bed at home where I should be. I'm eyes up at a white ceiling with strip lighting surrounded by mutterings and bleeping and the smell of disinfectant.
I'm in a sodding hospital.
Slowly I look around me and see the worried looks on the faces of people around me. I lick my lips and take a deep breath.
'What the fuck am I doing here?' My voice is croaky and odd.
I see Johnson's face come into focus and he's not smiling. He's not frowning either. He just has his normal pissed off look on his face. 'Nice to have you back with us.' He tells me, but he sounds like he doesn't really mean it.
I push up onto my elbows and have a better look around, but my head starts to thump alarmingly so I lie back down again with a groan which might make people feel sorry for me. 'What happened?' I ask. My voice still feels wrong and my throat hurts. 'I need a drink.' I need a smoke too, but I don't think they'll let me have one of those.
Someone else talks to me now. A guy in a grey suit and a grim look on his face. 'Just lie down and relax Sam.' He says and I don't think I have much of an option. My stomach is shifting and churning.
'I'm gonna be sick.' And I turn my head and chuck up on the bed next to me. This causes a sudden flurry of movement as I continue to empty what little there seems to be inside of me. The cramps… 'I'm dying.' I moan. 'Oh shit. My stomach.' I turn fully onto my side and pull my legs up tightly to me in an attempt to stop it hurting so much and I know someone has a hand on my back now and words are being said to me, but it just feels like I am going to vomit my whole self up onto the bed next to me. I can see there is blood now and I can hear the words have gone from comforting to alarm and just as I decide to squeeze my eyes shut so I don't have to see the clots and slime I am bringing up I slip back into where I just came from. For a short while I can feel hands on me again. Then they have gone and it is just the bleep, bleep, of the machines next to my bed.
-o-o-o-
I lie on the top of the bed in this small motel room I have booked into. I don't even take my shoes off. I won't be able to sleep. There is far too much churning around in my head. Faintly I can hear my cell phone letting me know there is a call, but I don't answer it. I can't move. I just stay as I am with my eyes shut to the world and try to pull all the events back into place. Give them some order, so I know where to start in the morning. I need to have it organised in my mind, but it's all becoming one confused jumble.
I need to know what happened to JJ. I need to talk to Will. I have to talk to the team and offer what little support I am able to give and that right now doesn't feel like a whole lot. If this had been a case I was on then I would be able to deal with it. Push it around and keep some sort of focus on it all, but this is all far too personal. I need to prioritise but how can I put one person I love above another? Above my work? I can't do it. I don't know how to do it. This is why my marriage failed. This is why I hardly get to see Jack. This is why I can't deal with the Reid issue or whatever is going on with Sam. It's too personal. It hurts too much.
It's a surprise when I open my eyes again and see daylight seeping through the gap in the curtains. I must have fallen asleep at some point in the night, but it doesn't feel like I have. I've still not worked out what I am going to do next. Running away from it isn't an option. I'm not Gideon. I'm not going to just abandon everyone.
-o-o-o-
It's mid morning and I've been allowed to sit up in bed for the first time. My back is agony. I'm not sure what is wrong with it. I will have to ask someone, but not now. Rossi has come to see me. They asked if it was alright if he popped in quickly to see me and I am glad for a fresh face to see. I want to know everything I have missed. I need to know what has been going on as I slept so I can fill up those empty places. Most of all I need to know who this person is I am dreaming of all the time. I decide to ask Dave.
'You should do what they say and take the pain killers.' He is saying as he sits in the green chair next to my bed.
I bite on my bottom lip knowing in a way that he is right. 'I can't. I need to be able to think. I can't think with those things in my system.'
He nods at me and picks up the newspaper. 'You want me to read this to you?' He sounds a bit confused. Maybe a bit worried.
'Yes please. Front to back. Don't miss a thing.' I shift slightly in the bed trying to make my back more comfortable.
'Why don't we just chat? You can read this yourself later.'
I watch as he puts the paper down on the table next to my bed.
'I need to ask you something.'
I see his hand stays on the newspaper for a short while as he turns his head to look at me. 'Ask away.' He says, but I think that is a worried look on his face.
'There are a few things.' I look away from him and to the clock on the wall. I watch the seconds tick by for the count of ten and then I talk again. 'Was I in a relationship before the accident?' I don't want to see his reaction to my words.
'I don't know. You keep your private life rather private Spencer.'
'It's just, just I keep having a dream. Not the same one, but the same general theme and it's always the same person.' I need to be cautious with my words. 'I was wondering if I know this person.'
I see movement out of the corner of my eye and I take a quick look to see what he is doing. He's relaxed back into the chair again. This is good. The question hasn't un-nerved him at all.
'I'm not sure how I can help you if I don't know what this person looks like. You had a visitor. Before. When you were eerr "sleeping". Maybe that is who you are dreaming about?'
'A guy? It was a guy wasn't it.' I ask, but really it's not a question. 'Do you know who he is? I have a face in my mind and in my dreams, but I don't know the name.'
He rubs his hand over the short beard on his chin and just looks at me for a while. 'Flanders.'
It was all he had to say. It seemed to kick my brain back into action. A million memories flying at me at the same time.
'Oh god.' The room is starting to spin with the sudden rush of every feeling and emotion I seem to ever have had. 'Floyd? He was here?'
And as things begin to darken around me and I am pulled back into a deep darkness I feel someone holding me and lying me back down again and hushed voices which slowly fade as new feelings and sensations fill me.
-o-o-o-
I look a freaking mess, but that's ok. I don't need to look too good for stage one. I've washed most of the blood off my face and put a different shirt on and now I am at the Homeless Centre to make my primary introductions to this Amos bloke. I followed him here, at a distance, from the church. That is one place I don't want to enter just yet. I am silently hoping that they will give me something extra for when I need to. Yes, I have been in a church before but that was different. That was back then. This is now and this is why I am scrawling my name in a book and introducing myself to the woman thing behind the counter. She starts asking me questions I don't rightly feel like answering right now.
'Do you need to see a doctor?' She asks. Her eyes taking in the mess my face and hands are in.
'I'll be fine.' I mutter back at her.
'We have a free counselling service if you need to talk to anyone.' She informs me.
'I just need something to eat and somewhere to sit for now.' I tell her and then turn my back and look around the room. There is a huge mixture of different people; some obviously living on the streets and some slags and junkies. I don't want to sit with anyone though. I need to be alone for this. I walk to the counter where they are handing out plates of some kind of slop and take one giving the woman standing there a slight nod and then I find a quiet corner where I can sit and watch. I don't intend eating this muck, but I sit at the bench table and slide my fork around in the mess on my plate. I sensed someone sit down opposite me but I'm ignoring the interruption until he speaks to me.
'Go home Floyd.' The voice says and so I slowly look up to see who the hell it is who knows me. 'Get up and leave.'
I frown at him and put my fork down and look at the bloke with the auburn curly hair and what appears to be a kaftan. This is not Amos, but it is still a face I know from a long, very long distant past.
'This has nothing to do with you.' I snap back at him.
'It has everything to do with me Floyd. Go home.'
I shift in my seat slightly and push my plate to one side so that I can lean on the bench with my elbows and get a deeper look at this person. 'I'm not going home and you are not going to get in my way. Get up and move. Leave me be.'
He sucks in on his bottom lip but his eyes are fixed firmly on mine. 'You should have come to us. We would have helped you. We don't like to see one of our own fall this low.'
'You.' And I jab my finger at him. 'Kicked me out. You denied my requests to appeal. How in fuck's name can I come to you for help? I don't need your freaking help. Get out of here and leave me alone.'
'Clawing your way back to us slowly Floyd. In actuality you've been doing a damned good job. Obviously with the occasional hick up. You still have a job to do. Go and do it. He needs you.'
'You have no fucking idea and I shouldn't be talking to you. Go away.' I prod him with my finger and it sends a tingle down my arm.
'You don't need to do this.' He swats my hand away from him. 'I can't stop you, but this will be the end. You know that don't you?'
'I do need to do this and no you can't stop me. I still have a job to do Ambrose and I intend doing it. I've not forgotten why I am here. Now go and leave me be.'
'Your job here will be voided. You will have no job. Not with us and not with them. You are a fool if you think we will let you do what you have planned and still be on our list.'
As he stands up I lean over and grab at his clothing. 'What do you mean by "voided"?' I pull him towards me. 'He is mine Ambrose and you can't take him from me. I have worked for an eternity to get this right; you can't take that from me just as I am about to complete! I need to do this so I can get back to him. You fucking well know that.'
'You are a failure Floyd. You have messed up continually.'
Now I am standing too and my face is right up close to his. 'Where was my backup? Where was the help when I needed it? He is still alive. I've not failed.'
He pushes my hands off him and takes a step back. 'Your whole existence is an error. You will be eliminated along with everything you've done if you insist in carrying out this task.'
'And if I don't? Then the other team take me.'
He smiles at me. 'That being the case Floyd, give up now. Either way you are going to mess up. Either way you will lose what you want. Go back to your friend Daja and tell him you won't do it. It really is that simple.'
'You know I can't do that! For fuck's sake why are you doing this? Why can't you just leave me to do my job?'
'Eat your food and think about why I can't do that. As said, I can't stop you personally. Not actually physically prevent you from doing what you have planned, but I will see that any reward you get for it is removed. I will hand the job over to someone else. Some blond female who can do the job properly and not continually mess up and go moaning and whimpering asking for another chance.'
'Fuck you!'
'No Floyd, that is one thing you will never do. Eat up friend. Think about what I said.'
And he is gone….slowly back into the mix of people then gone completely. Shit. I wasn't expecting them to get involved. I look around and see that Amos bloke I have to despoil and it makes me feel freaking sick. 'Thank you Ambrose. Thank you so fucking much for the help and support here.' I'm still standing and so I just turn and leave the building. I have to think about this now. I don't know if I should re-talk things over with Daja. I stand in the street and feel like killing and fucking everything and anything which comes near me. If I don't do what Daja said then I'm screwed…and not in a good way. If I do what he says I am still screwed and still not in a good way. Fuck it.
-o-o-o-
I check my phone to see who it was I ignored the night before. It was Dave. I give him a quick call back but his phone is turned off now. He must be in the hospital. I should go back there. I have to sort things out with Sam and I have to see Reid. I am still trying to get my head to adjust to the fact that he is awake. Even if he doesn't want to see me right now I still need to be there for him. They will be doing tests I would imagine. He can't possibly have been gone from us for so long and there be no side effects. I also need to call Will. I have to sort things out there, but again the phone is turned off. I expect he needs to be alone for a while. I know I would be feeling that way. I am feeling that way.
A shower is what I need now. I walked groggily to the small white bathroom and turn on the water and slowly peal off my suit, which is now looking a bit crumpled. I should go home and change. I can't be seen in this state. Firstly though a shower. It feels wonderful. The water is slightly too hot, but it feels good washing away all the dirt and stress from the day before. I wash my hair in the complimentary apple shampoo and scrub at my body under this steaming hot water and I don't care that soap gets in my eyes. In fact it feels good. I can feel something inside me releasing like a flood gate and though I would deny that there were tears, I will insist that it was only because of the soap, there are tears and they feel good. I'm just unsure if it is a release of gratitude that Spencer is back with us, or sadness that we have lost JJ. I don't want to try to work it out though. I just want to feel clean again.
As I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my waist I hear my phone going again. I slip once in my haste to get to it but catch it before the caller, who is Dave, hangs up.
'Hotchner.' My voice still sounds tired.
Dave gives me a slight run down on what has been going on. He tells me that he has been sitting with Spencer. He tells me that he remembers Floyd but didn't get the chance to question him on it before he drifted back to sleep. He also tells me that the case they were working has been transferred but he, Dave, will be needed to go through everything with them first. He doesn't want to leave Reid alone. Garcia has just arrived and will wait while they take Reid down for the tests I suspected they would be doing.
'We need to find Flanders.' I tell him as I finger dry my hair. 'Are the lab results back yet? Are there any matches?'
'Test results came back positive match for the blood we had tested earlier. It's not a match for the case though. He's not who we are looking for.'
I was sure it was him. I know it was him. I have no idea how he managed this but I do know that we have to find him. Have to talk to him. Find out who the hell he really is and how and why he knows Spencer.
-o-o-o-
The hand grabs my arm as I walk by a small side road and drags me into the shadows. His voice hissing in my ear before I even get the chance to turn and face him.
'What the hell do you think you're playing at?' It's Daja.
'Ah – just the person I wanted to see.' I've had enough of this shit. I've done with it.
'Why were you talking with Ambrose?' His mouth is tight against my ear and his hands pulling me tightly into him.
'I wasn't. He approached me. Let go.' I pull away and now turn to face him. 'I was hoping to see you. I need to tell you something.' And now I grab hold of his arm and drag him further into the darkness. 'I'm not doing your dirty work for you. You want the guy dead then you'll have to do it yourself. This isn't what I do. I am here for collections and to carry out what I started. I don't have to partake in your new game Daja and I won't. I will take what I want when I want and that is the end of this sordid little subject.'
'You will lose him if you refuse. You will feel pain such as you've never felt before.'
I raise my hand palm forward. 'Go on then. What's stopping you? Take him. He will be lost to me either way. At least by pissing you off I will get half a smirk in before you take me back.'
'It's not that simple.' He whispers at me.
'Yes it fucking well is! Either punish me or fuck off. I'm not having you drag me down any further.' I let go of him. I count silently to ten and when he's still not done anything I snort a laugh at him and walk away.
