Remus is a goose. I don't own it.
This one possibly should have gone through some more tinkering, given that Pottermore suggests that, unlike what many of us would wish, there was no real confrontation – just the 'almost admittance' seen two chapters ago. But then, at the same time… How could she have told him "a thousand times" otherwise? Anyway, I liked the idea too much to let go of it. I did however change the meeting, given it's now clear Remus volunteered for the mission(s) rather than being encouraged to by Dumbledore.
This covers events of June and early July.
Remus strode up the street, heading for the large, imposing building that was St. Mungo's. The dummy stared at him inquiringly; it wasn't often someone came at this late (or possibly early) hour. Remus swallowed. "I'm here to see Dora Tonks," he mumbled, not registering he'd used his pet name for her. The dummy beckoned and Remus hurried through.
After getting directions from a crabby, sleep-deprived Welcome Witch, he went up to Spell Damage on the fourth floor and waited.
After an hour, her parents joined him. Remus reintroduced himself, but couldn't bear to tell Andromeda about Sirius. As long as Dora was fine, he'd deal with it then. Not now.
The sun was well above the horizon before a Healer poked her head around the door. "She'll be all right." she said. They breathed sighs of relief. Remus put a shaking hand to his forehead as her parents smiled and embraced.
They went in first, while Remus hovered at the doorway.
Dora was pale and tired-looking. Her face had reverted back to her natural look. She smiled weakly as her mother fussed and her father reassured. Then she spotted him.
"Remus!" she whispered.
Remus hurried forwards. "D-Tonks. How are you feeling?"
"Like I've been knocked over by the Knight Bus then trodden on by something heavy, but I'll be fine."
Remus smiled gently at her as colour came back to her cheeks. Then Tonks said, "What about you?"
Remus tensed. "Me?"
"Yeah. The battle's over, innit? What happened after Trixy got me?"
Remus froze. She'd borrowed that expression from Sirius. Andromeda asked behind him, "It was Bellatrix? She did this?"
Tonks nodded absently, her eyes on Remus. "I borrowed Siri's expression there," she remarked. Remus' face lost what little colour it'd had. "Remus, what happened?"
Remus swallowed. "She... He..." he struggled. "He's d-dead, D-Tonks. Sirius... Bellatrix killed him." he whispered.
"No!" Tonks and Andromeda exclaimed. Ted embraced Andromeda, while Remus leant forward and embraced Dora. She hugged him back and suddenly, the only sound was tears.
#
Dora spent two weeks in Mungo's. Remus helped the others move things out of Headquarters. Most of the things were moved into Remus' cottage, "Willowwood", the Lupin home from when he was a teenager. He found spaces for them, but didn't bother to move many out of their boxes. After all, if he went through with what was planned, he'd have no use for them. Though he might use a few as… gifts. Besides that, most held too many memories.
After two weeks, Dora moved into her parents' place for a bit. No-one wanted her living alone, so soon after what had happened.
On the day Hogwarts was let out, Dora and Remus went to the train station, to have a chat with the Dursleys. Dora wore her customary pink...the first time she'd been able to do it since the battle and…
everything.
Remus studied Harry. He looked old, beyond his years. The talk went well; it seemed to cheer Harry slightly. Remus was annoyed with Petunia Dursley. Surely Lily would not have dreamt of doing what she had done, if the positions were reversed.
When it was over, they parted ways. Remus had a meeting with Dumbledore, while Dora said she was getting ready to move back to her flat tomorrow. Remus offered to help. She accepted.
They were walking on eggshells around each other. All Remus wanted to do was grab her and hold her, protect her and love her. But he knew he couldn't. All Tonks felt like doing was grabbing him and holding him, comforting and loving him. But she held herself back. "See you tomorrow," she whispered to him, then with a hand squeeze was gone. Remus sighed, then Disapparated for Hogwarts … knowing the meeting could change everything. Given what he'd decided.
#
Remus sat in Dumbledore's office, explaining. "I think – I think it's time, Professor...to make proper contact with the werewolves." he said, "To go totally underground."
Dumbledore considered him. "Are you sure you are – ready – for this?" he pressed.
Remus swallowed, remembering with a vengeance how similar missions had contributed to the – betrayal of the first war. Then he forcibly turned his mind from such thoughts. Instead, he asked, "You think I'm not?"
Dumbledore frowned slightly. "I know what this cost you last time. I just worry that you're pushing yourself too soon, after…" he trailed away.
Remus blinked. "This is necessary work, Professor. I swear, I am ready. Last time is not now." Unlike then, I have nothing left to lose…
"You're right that it is necessary, of course…" Dumbledore sighed. "Greyback – and others like him – are on the move again. There have been two werewolf attacks in the past week. Both young people. We all know of the damage he could cause, if his pack grew too much..."
Unbidden, the image of Dora, spread-eagled on her back, lying in pools of blood, sprang into his mind. The only difference between now and February was that the blood was now caused by bite marks...
Remus shivered. "I'll do it." he repeated, "What's the plan?"
Nothing left to lose? No. Rather, there is nothing left to gain.
Dumbledore looked at him carefully, but didn't ask what he'd thought of. "Well then." he said, "The plan is this..."
#
The next day, Remus turned up at Dora's flat as her parents left. "See, I'll be fine, Mum." she said, "Remus and the others will help."
With red-rimmed eyes, Andromeda nodded. "I just want to know you're safe, dear." she said gently. The two embraced and Andromeda said, "I'll bring something round for tea."
Then she left.
Remus, Kingsley and Hestia helped Tonks straighten her flat. After lunch, the other two left, leaving Remus and Dora alone. Remus was reluctant to leave; he knew that after this, he'd spend much of his time preparing for the mission, so he didn't know exactly when he'd see her again. He'd been almost avoiding her, since that mission in May. But at the same time...
They were sitting on her couch, so close it was setting Remus' nerves on edge. Then Dora sniffled. Remus jumped and turned to her. "D-Tonks?" he said gently. Her eyes were brimming with tears. He
followed her gaze and saw she was looking at a photo on her mantle, of Sirius, himself and her, at Headquarters. Remus' throat felt suddenly tight. He wrapped Dora in a one-armed hug.
She latched onto him and rested his head on her shoulder. "It's my fault." she mumbled. For the first time, Remus noticed she was wearing her natural face. Then he registered her words. "Your fault? For what?"
Dora scowled. "Don't be silly." she muttered, "As if you don't know. It's my fault that he died."
Remus gaped at her. "How do you think that? You're the silly one, D-Tonks." he blustered.
Dora whispered fiercely, "If I had defeated Trixy, if I'd been stronger, then S-Sirius wouldn't have needed to take over. She — she wouldn't have ..."
Remus had heard enough. "Stop," Remus ordered, "Stop right there Dora. It's not your fault. The only people to blame are Bellatrix and Voldemort. Not you."
Goodness knows, he blamed himself. But she never should.
Dora sighed. "If you say so." she mumbled.
Remus scowled. "I mean it." he said fiercely, "Please don't blame yourself."
Dora nodded. "All...all right." she muttered, "I just can't believe..."
"That he's gone." Remus finished for her.
They sat in silence for a few moments. Then Dora said, "You called me Dora."
Remus froze. Did I? "My tongue slipped." he said, blushing.
Dora smiled. "I don't mind." In fact, she was dancing inside.
Remus smiled. "I wish I'd known. I would've called you it sooner." The words tumbled out of his mouth, though another voice was yelling inside his head at him to shut up, now!
Dora raised her eyebrows. Remus' blush deepened. "I've been calling you it in my head for a while," he admitted quietly, looking into her eyes. Again, alarm bells rang in his head. She was so close...
With an effort, he forced himself to look away. Dora spoke quietly. "There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?" Remus jumped and looked at her. She continued, "You haven't once mentioned the meeting you had with Dumbledore yesterday. Is something...wrong?"
Here was the opening he'd been waiting for. Yet now, he didn't want it...
Just tell her, he urged himself.
Remus swallowed. "Dora... I have to leave."
She jerked beside him. "What?"
Remus continued, "Dumbledore wants me to go underground with the werewolves. To try to convince them siding with Dumbledore rather than Greyback." Well, that was partially true. But oh, he was such a coward…letting others believe that Dumbledore was to blame, instead of himself.
Dora stared at him. "You can't." she was trembling. "Please, Remus..."
Remus sighed. "I must." He just couldn't face the look in her eyes if she realised he was…running away. Preparing to make himself useful, whilst driving himself into the ground.
"But you'll be in so much danger." she whispered. She was so close...
Remus shrugged. "I'll manage. Dumbledore asked me..."
Whatever he'd been about to say next was lost, as her lips suddenly pressed against his. She was kissing him...
Remus gasped as her vanilla-and-cinnamon scent assaulted his senses; as he, unable to help responding, kissed her back. His arms wrapped around her torso, her fingers ran through his hair... And, damn it, it felt so right. For a few moments, it was just her, and him, and the outside world faded. Oh Dora... Why hadn't he given in earlier?
At this thought, he came back to his senses. What the hell was he doing? He pulled back. Dora looked up at him, confused. "We can't do this," he said hoarsely, licking his swollen lips.
Dora's eyes turned flinty. "Why not?" she whispered fiercely.
Remus stood up and turned to look at her. "I am too old for you. Too poor. Too dangerous." Creating space was the only way to stop himself from reaching out to resume where he'd broken off. He could feel his "wolfish instincts" battling against him. And after all, didn't that just prove his point?
Dora gaped at him. "Those are the most ridiculous reasons I've ever heard." she snapped. "Merlin, Remus. I know you – you're harsh on yourself, but do you really think I see you like that? I thought you would've realised I don't care about that stuff! You mean more to me than that – as I've tried to tell you before!"
Remus paused and stared at her. It was true that after – that mission – she had attempted to talk to him several times, alone. But the instant he'd sensed the conversation veering off in that direction, he'd sent it scurrying off in another. Why, when he needed it most, had his wits deserted him so?
Dora had been watching him, and now she smiled slightly and, standing up, pressed on in a quieter tone. "Remus, that day you helped me with the boggart...when it was showing people I was worried about... If you hadn't changed it to the full moon, it would've shown you."
Remus shifted. "Dora..." he whispered.
She took a step towards him. "I love you." she said quietly. There. She'd finally said it, properly.
Remus gaped at her. Love? She really…she still thinks… "Me? No. You can't." he said, an icy sort of calm descending, "You deserve someone far better than me, Dora Tonks. I can't give you what you need."
Dora stared back, brought up short at last. " 'What I need?' You think you can decide for me that?" she asked, stunned.
Remus swallowed, licked his lips. "I have listened to you when you talked about your dreams, your hopes, your future, all those times in 12 Grimmauld Place." he responded, "Dora, after this – this damned war ends, you deserve a bright future. I have hope that you'll get it. But I'd only taint what you had."
Dora stepped closer still, looking hurt. "But I want you. I see the goodness in you. And I do not believe that I deserve 'happiness' before you." she whispered.
Remus felt irrationally angry. Why can't she see…? "Dora…" This would hurt, and he had hoped it wouldn't come to this; he did value her – friendship – after all. But, as she still refused to listen…
"Dora, I'm sorry, but it wouldn't work. I just…don't see you that way." he forced the words out of his mouth, then found he was trembling all over. That image came again. "You can't have me." he repeated. "Besides…I couldn't stand it if you got hurt...because of me."
With that, he went to her door. "Remus, please!" Dora called softly.
Remus looked back at her. She was standing at the door of her lounge room, a pleading expression on her face. An arm reached out to him.
Remus steeled his expression and his heart. "Goodbye, Dora." he said. Then went out the door, shutting it behind him.
Dora stood frozen for a few seconds, then she heard the crack of Apparation. That's it, then, she thought dully, He's gone. She'd tried so hard since that mission to get him to talk – if not about "them" then about related subjects. He'd always headed her off, and now, she'd most probably destroyed their friendship from pressing too much. He'd thrown it back in her face. She paused. Well, not quite...
He'd kissed her back, passionately, hadn't he? He'd responded. And what was that about he "couldn't stand it" if she got hurt?
She sighed and moved towards the door. "Stupid prat. But I'll wait for him." she mumbled. Glancing back, her eyes found the photo again. That didn't mean it didn't hurt... Her hair faded to mousy brown as she thought of it. His colour. Not that she noticed. She shook her head, and turned away. Then, she saw in the hallway of her little flat, a large box. She did a few detection charms and such on it, then opened it carefully to find…
The gramophone and a stack of familiar records. A note rested on top, in his familiar hand.
Dear Dora,
I don't know when we'll meet next. I've been offered a – particular mission for the Order, and feel I must accept. As such, I won't have need of this. Consider it a house-warming gift. On loan, mind you, until the mission's over. It's not right they should sit, gathering dust, at my little place whilst I'm gone. Use them well, for my sake. And do try to stay out of trouble. Please.
Sincerely,
Your Friend Always,
Remus J. Lupin
Dora gaped at the note. He gave me his records. The same set we gave him for his birthday, the ones that no-one were allowed to fiddle with, without his permission; and presence, usually. She picked up the note, rereading it carefully before giving a shaky laugh. Sirius used to say that what he doesn't say out loud can be felt in his letters. Remus, you foolish, foolish man.
Tears slipped from her eyes and she started crying.
Remus nearly ran from the flat. He didn't want to think about what had just happened. With a crack, he Disapparated to Willowwood. He unlocked the house and went to the lounge, moving robotically. As much as he didn't want to, his mind kept returning to Dora...and what he'd done to her. Her expression as he'd left...
He shook his head and sighed. It came out as more of a sob. He swallowed, then leant against the doorframe. Remus ran his finger over his lips, fantasising he could still feel her touch. It's for the best. he thought. But, damn it, why did this have to be so hard? His lips trembled and he suddenly realised he was crying.
Soooo….. What do you think? I hope I'm getting the emotions right…
