A/N: Okay, we have a major angst alert here. When we last left our heroes, Emily was pregnant—which was really good news. Well, 6 weeks later a few things have gone wrong. This is going to be a tough couple of chapters, but it will be worth it in the end.

Chapter 9 : Their Paradise Lost

"God does not send us despair in order to kill us; he sends it in order to awaken us to new life." – Hermann Hesse


Dr. Frankl's office

Spencer Reid sat on the couch in Dr. Frankl's office. Alone. He kept looking over at the spot where Emily Prentiss usually sat. He knew she wouldn't be there, but he couldn't stop himself from looking there anyway. These first moments of the session were awkward and painful. As Dr. Frankl studied his patient, he could see the last few days had not been kind to Spencer Reid.

"So," Dr. Frankl began,"catch me up. Where do things stand?"

"She said it's over." Spencer said in a whisper, his voice thick with sorrow and regret.

"What lead up to it, Spencer?"

"Well, I guess it started when we found out she was pregnant."

"And how did you feel about her being pregnant?"

Spencer smiled. "I never felt happier. It's kind of strange, I mean, I never thought of myself as a father. I'm still getting used to being Henry's godfather, and there are so many reasons for me not to be a father. But the more I thought about it, the more I think about it, the more it sounds so good."

"So, what happened after you knew she was pregnant?"

"We had a talk about when we should tell the team."


Emily's place

The two of them were laying in bed next to each other. They hadn't stopped smiling since they left the doctor's office. Spencer couldn't imagine feeling this happy upon finding he was going to be a father. Then again, there was a time when being involved with Emily seemed like an impossible dream.

"What do you think about telling the team Spencer? I know some people say you should wait, but I keep thinking I want everyone to know."

"Well, some of the books I read don't address it, but some of them point out that there are a number of complications that can develop in the first weeks. That's why people wait to tell people."

"Books?" Her voice was full of teasing amusement,"I thought you were avoiding doing research about it."

"That was after I read the first 21 books."

"21 books? Only 21?" She was laughing and smiling now. He decided he liked her laughs and smiles more than anything else in the world. He hoped the baby would laugh and smile just like her.

"Anyway, we've tried to be open and honest with everyone. I think maybe we should continue that. I mean, I think everything works better when we're open about what's going on."

"And maybe you want to brag to Morgan that you're a father."

"No." He paused. "Not to Morgan so much as everyone who isn't us."

She smiled and kissed him.


Dr. Frankl's office

"So you told everyone?"

"We told the team the next day, and I wrote a letter to Mom that morning. I called my Dad, and Emily told her Mom the next time they had lunch.

Everything was good. In fact, everything was great until last week."

"What happened?"

"Everything started to hurt. I mean, Emily was in real pain. First she said it was nothing, and I let it go. But it just continued, and it got worse. And then she started bleeding."

Spencer didn't speak for a few minutes. Dr. Frankl knew what happened, but he wanted Spencer to tell him. Finally, the silence was too much.

"Did she have a miscarriage?"

"By the time we got to the hospital, it was too late. The doctors said there was nothing we could do. They said there was nothing anyone could have done. It's not uncommon for it to happen. I didn't realize how devastating it could be. I should have known."

"What should you have known Spencer?"

"That it could happen. What the pain might mean. We should have been more careful. It's my fault. I read the books. I'm the genius."

"That doesn't mean you know everything, Spencer. It doesn't mean you could have changed anything or stopped it. Spencer, this wasn't your fault."

"She blames me. I know she does."

"Did she say that?"

"Not in those words, but it's what she meant."

"What did she say?"


The Hospital

"It's over."

"What?" Spencer couldn't believe his ears. He heard her wrong. He must have.

"It's over Spencer. This has to be a sign. We've had so many, but we just kept ignoring them. But how many signs do you need before you realize the universe is telling you something?"

"The universe? The universe in not a sentient being. The universe on a whole doesn't care about what we do. Emily, the universe doesn't decide about love. If you don't love me, just say it."

"It isn't that Spencer. It isn't that simple."

"Yes it is. It's very simple. I love you. You told me you loved me. You said you would love me no matter what."

"I do. But look at us... We're in couples counseling Spencer. We're afraid it's going to end. We keep hitting brick walls every time we turn around. And we both know that sometimes love isn't good enough."

Spencer just stood there. This wasn't happening, was it? "So that's it? You want to give up?"

"I just know when it's time to give in. I'm sorry."


Dr. Frankl's office

"I'm sorry Spencer." Dr. Frankl said. "I'm so sorry that happened. Was that the last time the two of you spoke."

"Yeah. The nurses said she didn't want me to visit, and she stopped taking my calls. I'm just glad I was able to arrange for the burial."

"Burial?"

"It's not technically a body, I know, but I managed to have the remains buried in a small plot at Arlington."

"I'm sorry, Spencer, are you telling me that you had, I mean the fetus was only what, 6 or 8 weeks old?"

"About that, yeah. Someone at a meeting suggested it to me. It felt like the right thing to do."

"So, you're telling me that ..." Dr. Frankl was trying to find a gentle way to frame the question.

"There is in Arlington a simple gravestone with just a date. The date I took Emily to the hospital. No name. There is no gender we can know, but that's my child. Mine and Emily's."

"Does Emily know?"

"I don't think so. Hotch and Rossi know. They helped me arrange it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Anyway, after Emily ended it with me I went to see Hotch. I needed to ask him something."


Hotch's Office

"How are you doing Spencer?" Aaron Hotchner was concerned. Hotch had once told Gideon that he used Reid to get the job done, but never really showed him how to deal with things. Of course, Hotch was still learning. The pain that Spencer had to be feeling, Hotch didn't know how he would deal with it. As he looked at Spencer, there was a look in Spencer's face that Aaron thought he recognized but couldn't place it exactly. The only he was certain of was that Spencer was most definitely not okay.

"She broke it off with me Hotch. Emily said she doesn't want to be with me anymore."

This was one of the things Aaron worried about happening. Situations like this was why inter-office romances were a bad idea. He thought, though, that Reid and Prentiss were past the point that this would happen. Obviously he was wrong, not that he could blame them. It was an awful thing that had just happened. "I'm sorry Reid," Aaron said.

Reid was quiet for a moment. "Hotch, do you remember when we did the custodial interview with Chester Hardwick?"

"Yeah." Chester was a brutal sexual sadist who killed 23 women. Hotch and Reid interviewed him a week before his execution. It had not gone well.

"I remember you were agitated when we went, especially after you got a phone call from JJ."

"Because Hayley wanted me to sign the divorce papers uncontested, I remember. Reid, what's going on?"

Reid continued like Hotch hadn't asked the question, " I remember you almost go into a fist fight with him. That really surprised, you know. I'd never seen you be as agressive like that. No, aggressive is the wrong word. Pissy. Throughout the whole interview you were definitely pissy."

"Reid, what's your point?"

"It was because of you and Hayley. She was pressuring you to sign the divorce uncontested. I remember when it was all over, after we left, you told me all about it. I asked you what you wanted, and you said you wouldn't get what you wanted."

"I remember." It was a really bad the day, the day Aaron gave up, the day the divorce became real.

"I know how you felt now. Hotch, I need some time off. In my state of mind right now, I'm afraid I make some really bad choices. I might get someone killed."

Aaron Hotchner looked at Reid with a kind of awe right then. He wasn't sure he would be smart enough to do the same thing if their places were reversed. In fact, he knew he wouldn't. When things went bad with Hayley, when George Foyet was on the loose, Hotch poured himself into his work. And he made all kinds of bad choices. "Take all the time you need Spencer."

"I think I just need a week. Thank you Hotch. I'm sorry about this."

"It's all right Spencer. I'm proud of you."


Dr. Frankl's office

"I'm proud of you too Spencer. You recognized your state of mind, and it's potential for disaster and you made a good choice."

"Yeah. You know, the I'm glad I asked for the time. Because the next day I had a really bad moment."

"Tell me about it."

"I was visiting the grave."


At the grave

Spencer stood at the grave. It didn't have a name, just the date of the miscarriage. There was a part of Spencer Reid that wondered if he should try to figure out the exact moment of conception and put it on there as well. The headstone looked wrong with just one date there. There was a part of him that thought he already knew, there was no scientific way to prove it, but it was probably that night.

"Spencer."

The voice came from behind him, but Spencer didn't turn to face it. He didn't want to face it. He knew who the voice belonged to, and he didn't want to face him.

"Turn around Spencer. Talk to me, I'm here to help."

Spencer continued to ignore him.

"I'm not going away Spencer. So you might as well turn around and face me."

Spencer turned around and saw the face of Jason Gideon. His former teammate and one time mentor didn't look any different that the last time Spencer saw him. Spencer studied Gideon face for a moment. "You're not really here," Spencer said to the image of Gideon. He knew it was just a figment of his imagination.

"Maybe I am, but maybe it's a part of you need to listen to. Like the part that lead you to investigate Riley Jenkins. And your father."

"You're not here to help."

"How can you be so certain? "

"What could have to say to me now? The last time I heard from you was in a letter, trying to explain why you left."

"Maybe I'm here to tell you need to know when it's time to leave."

Leave? Leave what?"

"Emily. The FBI. That." Gideon pointed to the grave. "You're mourning something that wasn't even a child. It never became a child."

Spencer smiled. "See, you're not Gideon. Gideon would never refer to my child like that."

"Child? It never came to term. You don't know what sex it is. You don't even have a name you can put on there."

"I don't need a name to mourn my child."

"Your child? Spencer, it didn't even last 1 trimester! How about losing Emily? She is lost to you, you know. She's done with you. But you still want to be there, so she can ignore you every day. For what? Sometimes you need to know when it's time to leave."

Spencer nodded. "I know who you are now. You usually show yourself as some one else. Tobias usually. Sometimes as Benjamin Cyrus. This is new. It's a good try, but you don't win today." Spencer turned around to the grave. He walked up and put his hand on the gravestone. "It's okay," he said soothingly.

"Who are you talking to?"

Spencer looked up to the sky. "I don't know if you can hear me. I don't know if you have a soul, I don't even know if I believe in souls or heaven, but I just want you to know that I haven't given up. Not yet. I love you and I love mommy."

"Mommy? Do you mean the woman who told you it was over? Who are you fooling? It's over. This is the point when you decide to hide or run or .."

"Use? Dilaudid maybe? Sorry to disappoint, but you won't get me this time. You are a part of me. You're the part that tells me to run. You're the part tries to get me to use. You don't win today."

Spencer walked away.

"This isn't over Spencer. You need me. This pain is going to be too much."

Twenty minutes later, Spencer Reid was at a podium at a meeting of Beltway Clean Cops meeting. "My name is Spencer, and I'm an addict. I don't usually call myself that, but today I feel the craving strongly. My girlfriend was pregnant. She just lost the baby. We just lost the baby. Yesterday, she said it was over. I don't want things to be over. I don't know what to do about that. I do know I feel the craving and I don't want to use."


Dr. Frankl's office

"This has happened before? You've hallucinated like this?" Dr. Frankl was concerned.

"It's more like a day dream. My mind works differently than most, sometimes I visualize things. It's how I think things through. Usually, it's a dream when it happens, but sometimes it happens like this. I know it's not real. Anyway, I went to a meeting after it happened."

"Tell me Spencer, when was the last time it happened."

"Right after George Foyet killed Hayley."

Which, if memory serves, is right before you and Emily started seeing each other."

"Yes."

"Hmm. That could make this a very challenging time for you." He thought for a moment. "Do mean when the two of you had problems before, you never had these dreams? The craving?"

"Not like this, no. Things were bad, but not this bad."

"I see. Well, Spencer, this is a tough time for you. My question is, did you mean what you said? Do you believe that you and Emily are going to get through this?"

"I don't know. At that particular moment, I believed it, but now I'm not so sure."


A/N: Remember, this isn't the end. We have a looong way to go yet, and things will get better. Remember, I like happy endings. And for me, Reid and Emily are the OTP.