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The first few days in the mountains became about establishing a routine. Emily knew she needed something, anything to demonstrate control over the current arrangement. Since she no longer needed to move around as she had in Europe, a routine would provide some level of grounding and normalcy. Summer hadn't really arrived yet in the mountains so most of her first week was spent inside the house as temperatures barely edged above 50 during the day and dipped into the 30's and 40's at night. Emily's mornings included a run or a walk around the lake which she hated to admit was extremely peaceful. The days being spent reading, exploring the property, learning to make a fire in the outdoor pit, and of course thinking about JJ. Emily never considered herself a morning person but her internal clock was changing as a result of her isolation and new surroundings. There was no TV except for one local channel where she attempted to catch the national news each evening. By the end of the first week the evenings alone were so filled with melancholy, following 3-5 Kettle One and sodas she was in bed by 9pm. The thoughts of JJ were most consuming during the evening when she allowed herself to daydream and wish over a few cocktails. Going to bed early seemed the best alternative to torturing herself with fantasies of JJ.
Throughout her life she rarely found herself consumed with thoughts of anyone. Frequent moves as a child and the requirements of her job really prevented her from establishing roots or building any solid relationships. It seemed she was never in one place for very long. College was the closest to long term stability she ever found until she joined the BAU. However, even in college Emily avoided real commitments and while she bonded with a handful of friends during those years she hadn't kept in touch since. The BAU was as close to normal as she could have imagined. Despite their varied backgrounds and personalities, the team was a family. There was an unspoken understanding among them. Perhaps it was because of the work they did, the horrific events they witness, and the danger they all placed themselves in that drives the common thread for all of them. Trust. The trust they had in each other was limitless. Sure they fought and bickered like family, but at the end of the day the all trusted and counted on one another completely. It didn't take long for Emily to realize the primary driver of the trust across the team was JJ. She was the glue. She was the constant who anchored the team. Even though she wasn't a profiler for the FBI, she was the profiler for the team. Her ability to read the individuals during a case ultimately aided in driving the contributions of each. While Hotch was steadfast and unwavering in his approach, JJ's demeanor and mere presence ensured they could be human and reminded everyone it was ok to have emotions come to surface now and again. It was JJ who quickly pushed for Emily's acceptance with the group and provided the encouragement Emily needed to open herself up just enough to become one of them. In a matter if months JJ seemed to understand Emily like no one else had. Despite the Emily's stoicism and ability to tuck things away in her little boxes and compartments, JJ always knew when something was troubling the older brunette. Always. But it wasn't that JJ was astute enough to realize when Emily was troubled, JJ always seemed to know what approach to take to help Emily best without embarrassing her whether it was a funny text message, a quick hand to the shoulder with a squeeze of encouragement, or simply a wink with a smile to let Emily know she was there for her. It was the quiet understanding that ultimately resulted in Emily actually falling for JJ.
Aside from JJ, the reciprocated trust between her and the team was something she cherished. She refused to allow herself to consider too closely how much she had damaged that trust by not disclosing her past and Doyle's return. If she had to do it again she would make the same choices to ensure their safety. Despite her conviction regarding those decisions, deep down she felt a constant nagging at what would become of this trust once she was able to return to DC and her life. Would the team understand her choices? Would they forgive her? Most importantly would they trust her again?
By the 11th day in the mountains the weather finally broke and summer suddenly arrived as temperatures soared to the 80's. Emily was thrilled to really get out of the house and explore the lake. Maybe even take the boat for a spin… not that she knew the first thing about boats. After her run and a shower she decided to put on one of the pairs of shorts and tank tops she purchased on her way to the Adirondack's and head down to the dock to check out the boat or even try her luck in the canoe. As she dressed she mused how the change in weather could be so energizing. Hell, maybe she would actually see someone outside today. While Mike had stopped over twice since her arrival they had only spent about 5 minutes chatting each time. He was clearly following the instructions to check on her, but not to bother her. Perhaps she should would pay him a visit today for some adult conversation.
Finally dressed, Emily went into the bathroom to brush her hair and pull it back into a ponytail. Reaching for her brush she stopped short as she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. "Oh my god" Emily said aloud looking at her reflection. It had been months since she had worn anything but long sleeves or a turtleneck. Having been focused on the scar on her abdomen and ensuring it healed; she had never stopped to consider the four leaf clover Doyle branded her with the night she died. She hadn't considered itwould be visible in certain clothing. Now standing in the bathroom reviewing her reflection the reminder of Doyle was as prominent as could be. It was an ugly, raised, red symbol that was present on her left breast. The almost 2 inch welt stood out prominently on her otherwise smooth, alabaster skin. While you could clearly see it was applied to her skin in an unmindful and neglected manner, one could still tell it was supposed to be a clover. As she ran her fingers over the scar she could vividly recall the smell of her flesh burning as he pressed the metal to her skin. Shutting her eyes tight she fought the urge to vomit. Upon opening them again, her hand still on the marking, she began to cry. She hadn't previously given the scar any thought as she barely looked in mirrors of late, but in this moment she realized the scar would forever be a reminder of her two trips through hell compliments of Ian Doyle.
Trembling, Emily went back in the bedroom and sat down on the bed. Taking a deep breath she stopped crying and tried to rationalize. Ok, Prentiss get some perspective here. It's just a scar. Everyone has them. Lots of people have ridiculous tattoos. It's not a big deal. Steadying her breathing she worked hard to convince herself once the initial shock wore off she could handle this. She could suppress the memories, of who she had to be, what she had to do when she was with Doyle. She had done it for years and was well versed at separating undercover Emily from the rest of her. But this… people will see it. They will ask. The constant reminder means there will be no hiding who she was or what she was when she was with Doyle. A constant reminder for her or anyone to see unless she covered it.
Jesus, no. It would be a reminder for anyone she would become intimate with. As the tears came back a new realization set in. JJ would see it. The ultimate ending to this nightmare she had been living over the last seven months was a chance with JJ. A chance for happiness that JJ herself essentially confirmed in her letter last month.But how could JJ ever want her if she had to see this reminder of Emily's past every day? A past that included being intimate with a criminal, a murderer, a psychopath. Emily's mind began to race. Emily had done such a good job of pushing her time with Doyle to the furthest points of her mind she hadn't yet considered how much she would ultimately need to divulge to JJ about her time under cover. Over the years she figured she would never need to engage in more than a cursory discussion regarding her time with Interpol to anyone she might become involved with. This was different. JJ knows enough about the deepest cover assignments to understand you end up doing anything to survive. You do anything to ensure your cover and to secure the optimal outcome of the operation. How do ever I explain I felt the need to sleep with him to get the job done? That I made a snap decision in a moment because I believed it was what I needed to do get Doyle to trust me completely.
She'll see me as a whore. A whore who has been branded.
Emily spent the rest of the morning sitting in the same spot crying once again wishing she had died that night in Boston. Exhausted, she changed her shirt and went to the back porch overlooking the lake taking with her a glass and a new bottle of Kettle One. She wanted to forget all of it. For the first time she wondered if she were better off with Doyle alive so she could continue living a nameless life. Pouring a full glass Emily was determined to forget her past and dismal future for at least one day.
