For Disclaimers see ch. 1

Conqueror and Amazon: Towards a new life
by romansilence


Chapter nine: All my sins and fears to bear

"I really don't understand you. First you reject the Queen's offer to grant you an amnesty and now you miss out on the chance to leave your past behind and start a new life."

Xena smiled, she knew the question would come eventually but she wouldn't have thought possible that it really would be the first thing to cross her lover's mind.

"Seems stupid, doesn't it? Please believe me, it isn't this easy." The tall warrior visibly was searching for the right words. "Remember the day your father demanded that you once again be put in his custody. You had the chance to let me deal with him. You wouldn't have had to face him but you insisted on doing so tough we both knew in advance you would be badly shaken up by the encounter. Why?"

"It was the right thing to do, Xena. It was the only way to get rid of my past. I had to look him in the eyes. I had to know why he sold me like I was one of his sheep. I had to know why he never loved me. It was the first time I had the chance to face what had happened. I knew I was finally free the day you first brought me to the apple tree but I only began to feel free when I faced him. However, the situations are not comparable."

"Are you sure?" The younger woman didn't answer, her eyes fixed on her hands. "Please, look at me. There's something I didn't tell the jury, about what happened after Queen Cyane's death.

"I really can't recall in which direction I stumbled but at a point I found myself once again at the funeral clearing. I don't know if it was one or two days later but the bodies still were lying as they were killed. Artemis' temple was right next to the funeral ground but it was further away from the village than it is here. Thunder was rolling not too far off. I decided to seek shelter in the temple.

"Immediately afterwards I tried to convince myself that it had been a hallucination, a fever induced dream but deep in my heart I knew that it was true.

"The doors were open and I was foolish and arrogant enough to enter. I passed the threshold and suddenly found myself in front of the altar. There was the weight of a whole mountain resting on my shoulders and I was forced to my knees. I desperately tried to get back to my feet but it didn't work. I reached for the altar stone to pull me up. My hand touched the shimmering surface and the weight on my shoulders descended deep in my heart. For the first time in years, I had a name for these feelings, feelings that since the death of my brother every once in while threatened to suffocate me.

"I always managed to ignore them, I put them away in dark corner of my mind and closed the door. This day I knew the feeling was guilt, and I felt as helpless as never before. My lips didn't move but my mind cried out, loud, 'Why don't you kill me, Artemis, patron goddess of the Amazon nation? Kill me to end the cycle of hatred.'

"I fell back to my knees, the tips of my fingers still touching the altar. My whole body was shaking with sobs but there was not a single tear in my eyes. Suddenly the hair at the nape of my neck stood at attention but the feeling subsided as quick as it came. There was something like a pillar of light at my left. I tried to see it more clearly and soon was sure that it was a woman. With all the light surrounding her, I wasn't able to discern her features but I'm sure that it was the Goddess of the Hunt herself.

"I felt comfortable in her presence and then there was a voice in my head. It was unfamiliar; unlike everything I ever had heard before but at the same time, it was as if it always had been a part of me. I still can't explain it.

"The voice said. 'You now owe a debt of life, young warrior. This isn't the way your life was supposed to be. You still have a chance. One day you will return to your roots, you will return to what should have been from the beginning and then you will get the chance to redeem yourself. Don't waste the opportunity. You will be punished for what you did to my sisters, and the punishment will be welcomed. You will loose the life you now long for but the ice that encases your heart will melt and you will…''

"…find the other half of your soul." The young woman sitting next to Xena put an arm around the tall warrior trying to pull her as close as possible. "The ice that now encases your heart will melt and you will find the other half of your soul. You will find a love so fulfilling and perfect it will sweep away all your fears and memories of darkness. That's what the voice in Athena's temple said when I begged her to take my life before once again being sold. Do you think that they already knew about us?"

"I don't know, my love. I still can't make any sense of what I experienced this day. Part of me has a great deal of doubt that the gods really have in mind the best for humankind whenever they interfere with mortal lives. I also know that I didn't feel threatened by the voice and what it said. I rather felt comforted. It is said that Artemis and Athena never stopped being lovers but I don't see why any of them should be interested in you and me. However, I knew that you are the other side of my soul since I first looked in your eyes though I don't know why someone as pure and kind as you are should find its completion in someone as tainted and dark as me. When I found you everything became possible, and this punishment, though it may sound cruel, is my chance to take some of the weight off my heart."

Gabrielle didn't answer immediately, she turned her head towards the blue orbs of her companion and studied them for almost a quarter of a candlemark. Part of Xena was squirming under the scrutiny, the bigger part, however, was feeling secure, loved, and cherished.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

During their voyage to her hometown, Cyrene's escort that had started out with eight men had almost doubled in size. All of them were veterans from one or the other of Xena's campaigns. All of them seemed to care deeply for her daughter; they talked about her kindness when caring for the injured, her bravery in the midst of a battle, and her sense of justice. They told her that she never asked of her men what she wasn't ready to do herself, that she not only was a brilliant strategist and a great warrior in her own right but that she was leading the army with her personality, her passion for life. They told her that she always cared about her men first before seeing to her own needs.

The stories these men told reminded her of someone she thought had died together with her younger brother. Reflections of the past appeared unbidden before her mind's eye.

It had been during the coldest winter she ever had lived through. The village had pooled their resources – and in contrast to other settlements, no one had perished by cold or famine, yet. One moon before spring solstice the weather changed but it only was a short respite, and one that spoiled a considerable part of their provisions by thawing meat and vegetables alike. The frost returned and the elders had to cut short the daily rations for each member of the community.

Having acted like a caged animal for the better part of a half moon, one day Xena simply disappeared. Cyrene was out of her mind with worry. The short note her stubborn daughter had left behind couldn't really reassure her, and on top of it all, her sons insisted on leaving the village to follow their sister's trail. Three days later, she stumbled into the inn, totally exhausted with a great buck draped around her shoulders. She collapsed on the floor but managed to tell her brothers that there were three more about two candlemarks walk away to the north. Enough to sustain the village for a long time.

She never knew what exactly Xena had to do to hunt her game down and get them this close to the village. With her fourteen summers her daughter had done what the seasoned hunters of the village hadn't dared to even try; she had risked her life, alone in the cold, to contribute to the well-fare of her village but she never saw it as something special…

Cyrene tried to shake herself out of the realm of her memories. All she had had to experience lately was just too confusing. Despising her daughter for becoming the Conqueror simply was easier but it wasn't as easy as it had been all these years long. She began to find a kernel of truth in the exuberant stories the men were telling.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

It had been decided that she would enter the village only with Theodorus, Palemon, and Meleager as an escort. The others would be waiting nearby. The town seemed unchanged; it was well kept and peaceful. Everything seemed as it had been two and a half years ago, it was an eerie and unsettling feeling. Had she been honest with herself she would have recognised these feelings as disappointment. In Corinth, her daily routine had been a far cry from the active life of an innkeeper. Though she quickly had found herself something to do by helping in the central kitchen set up to feed the poor and homeless, it still was nothing compared to the challenge of organising supplies, cooking and keeping the often drunken crowd in hand. A small voice in the back of her heart kept nagging that a change as significant as her forced move to Corinth should have left at least some sort of scar visible in the community she had spend the better part of her life in.

They dismounted in front of the inn, her inn, which also seemed to be utterly unchanged. The voices and laughter of the midday crowd wafted through the open windows and Cyrene recognised the distinct smell of heavily spiced venison stew, very close to the recipe she used to use but not quite the same. She hesitated in front of the main entrance, and then turned her steps to the rear door that led directly into her kitchen and to the storing rooms. She entered without knocking, surprised to see a young, rather dark skinned woman labouring behind her stove in the middle of the spacious room. She was about her own height with eyes like coal casting her an irritated glance. Her facial expression suddenly changed when she spotted the large man stepping over the threshold.

"Meleager, what are you doing here. We didn't expect you for at least another two moons. I'm so happy you could make it earlier. Reena will be out of her mind seeing her favourite uncle." The young woman said, her voice clear, with a very uncommon but pleasant melody to it. She rushed past the older woman and wrapped her arms securely around the tall man's waist squeezing him tight.

"Shirin, I'm happy to see you so well but unfortunately, I'm not here for a vacation. A lot of things are about to change at the moment but before we talk business let me introduce you to my companion. – Shirin, this is Cyrene, the owner of this inn. – Cyrene, this is Shirin, she and her husband, Tarik, are the ones I told you about not too long ago. They look after your inn as long as you live in Corinth."

There was a shadow quickly crossing the young woman's face but then she smiled at Cyrene and shook her outstretched hand. "Cyrene, the village will be happy to have you back. The last two and a half years we've heard at lot about you and your family. I hope you give my husband and me some time to adjust to the transition with the inn."

"What are you talking about? Though it feels really strange, it's no longer my inn."

"I should have told you in advance, Cyrene," Meleager interfered. "The inn is still yours and will always be. Tarik and Shirin are here to run it in your absence, they never would take it from you."

"Your rooms at the first floor are waiting for you. But I'm afraid it will take some time for us to accommodate to the fact that it's not longer us who is in charge – that is if you intend in keeping us on your payroll."

"My rooms?"

"Xe…, the General insisted that they should be kept ready for you. She told us that she would send a warning before your return, to smooth things down."

"Shirin, I won't drive you out of your home, and I don't intend to come back, not yet. We're here to gather some supplies, herbs and stuff, that's all. Perhaps it would be better if Meleager filled you in on all the things that have happened the last moon or two. If you don't mind I'll take care of the kitchen and the midday meal as long as the two of you are talking – and meanwhile I'll have something to eat for myself, Palemon and Theodorus."

"They're both here?" Meleager nodded. "And the General is not?" The warrior shook his head to confirm. "Than there must really be something important going on.

"I would be grateful if you could take over Cyrene. I'll be back as soon as possible. You'll find that I altered some of your recipes slightly by using herbs from my ho… the country I was born. I hope you don't mind too much."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

After the midday guests had gone, Tarik closed the inn for the day. There simply was too much to discuss to also worry about the customers and their needs. The news of Cyrene's return had spread through the village like a wildfire and they had no choice than to inform the elder of the things that had happened at Corinth.

The gray haired woman had found all of the personal belongings she had left behind all these years back untouched, and had spent the afternoon candlemarks not occupied with conversations with her former neighbours sorting through the herb stock. She had learned that Xena had ordered to leave everything as she was used to. Part of this arrangement was that the new innkeepers didn't live-in but had their own cabin nearby. Her daughter also had instructed Shirin in taking care of the herb plantations in the forest, so she didn't have to deal with over-aged supplies. The evening found her in the main room of the inn in front of a mug of mulled cider listening to a story she never would have given any credence to, were it not for the people telling it.

Her question should have been easy to answer but what the young couple sitting in front of her had to say was everything but a simple tale. Tarik was almost half a head shorter than Palemon who quietly was sitting at her side. He had an irresistible smile that lit up his eyes giving everyone around the impression that he never had known any hardship or pain of any kind.

"The first time I saw the General was in the healer's tent just outside of the Persian capital, and as I learned later a full day after the all-decisive battle. I could see a slender hand descending upon the arm holding the saw to cut off my right leg. A deep but definitively female voice told him to stop, and then there were the most intense eyes I ever saw looking straight into my soul. At the time I didn't know how to speak your language and none of the other healers and attendants even tried to make me understand what was about to happen. There was the hint of a smile in her eyes but her expression was serious. Weighing every word carefully and from time to time searching for the right expression she talked to me – in my native tongue. She told me that my left leg was shattered beneath the knee. She told me that to save my life the best thing to do would be to cut it off right now. She also told me that if I were ready to endure a lot of pain and have a lot of patience that she could try to keep the leg whole. There would be a limp and she couldn't guarantee that I survived the healing but I took the chance. She saved my leg and by now, I'm only limping after a very long day. But my leg and my life aren't the only things I owe to the General."

"Without her we never would have found each other again, without her we wouldn't have a daughter to love and to cherish." Shirin continued the tale. "The General's army stayed at the capital for more than a moon and Tarik slowly began to regain his strength. He never wanted to join the army but my father had him recruited against his will. Tarik only was a carpenter and woodcarver still trying to establish his own shop. My father never accepted him and wanted to marry me off to a man more to his liking, a rich merchant, more than forty years my senior. The marriage was arranged as soon as my beloved was out of the picture. About ten days before the bride prize should be paid my parents discovered that I was with child, Tarik's child. The marriage was cancelled and my father disowned me."

She fell silent, an expression halfway between sadness and contempt crossing her dark eyes. Shirin took a deep breath sensing the comforting hand of her husband on her knee under the table.

"By law he could have tossed me out on the street with nothing but my clothes on – but he didn't. He told me that I was nothing but a whore and that this was how I should live from now on. He told me that he lost a lot of money because of me and that I would spend the rest of my life to repay him. He bound my hands and one of his servants almost dragged me to another part of the town, a quarter I only had heard about before. From this day on, I spend my days in a room barely big enough for a bed. Food and drink reached me through a hole in the wall. There was a small window next to the ceiling. I could see the days pass by but it was too far up to allow a look outside. All night through I could hear the noises coming from the outside, and I knew that I really was in a whorehouse. And though I never saw a living soul, I also knew that they would come and take my child when it was time and then would force me to do their biding. There was nothing to hope for and no chance for escape. But still, the life growing inside of me wouldn't hear of defeat. So, I continued hoping.

"As soon as Tarik was better he talked one of his new Greek comrades to come looking for me at my father's house. He was lucky and ran into my former maid. She told him what had happened but she didn't know exactly were I was, and if I was still alive. What happened next is better be told by Meleager or Palemon."

"My gut wound was healing rather fast and I could get up soon. When I returned with my news to Tarik's bedside, the lass nearly cracked. Had he told me what Shirin really meant to him, I never would have told him the whole truth. As it turned out it was a good thing, I did. The whole day he tried to get up and when dusk was near he finally got to his feet when the healer's weren't paying attention and ran straight into the General."

"Yeah, I thought I collided with a solid tree trunk when I crashed into her. She grabbed me by my shirt, lifted me in her arms, and brought me back to bad as if I were nothing but a half-grown boy. I could see the anger in her eyes, and I thought she would kill me for trying to escape. So, all I could think of doing was to whisper that I would have come back. She answered that this wasn't true. Her voice was cold with rage. She said that I would have died because the splints weren't made to support my body's weight but to hold the bones in place. Whatever my face told her then it softened her up. She told me that I never would have been able to leave the camp undetected and that I was risking my life senselessly. It still took some prodding but I told her the whole story. She ordered me to stay put and said that she would take care of everything."

"She signaled for me to follow her outside where she first scolded me for irresponsibly running around alone in the city and that I wasn't strong enough yet to ward off an attacker." Meleager continued the story. "Then she called for Palemon, Marcos and the rest of her personal guard she surrounded herself with when venturing to the palace and told me to lead her to Shirin's house. She had to break all of the father's fingers to get the information she wanted. We took off towards a cheap whorehouse at the east of the capital. The General didn't even bother to ask for Shirin's whereabouts but had us searching the whole building stirring up the clients. When I found her she was in labour, and to me it didn't look too good."

"Every time I felt a contraction I thought I would die, I didn't but the overall pain consuming my body was far worse. I think it was early in the evening, usually the house was rather quiet at this time of the day but now through the pain I could hear cries and doors crashing against the walls and deep voices barking orders. When the door to my cell was kicked open, there was a tall man filling almost the entire frame but I was too weak to worry. Only a few heartbeats later, I felt a cool hand on my forehead and I heard someone whisper that everything would be all right and that Tarik was alive. Then the same voice began to shout orders and out of nowhere there was hot water and clean towels. It took me some time to see that the stranger with the two swords strapped around the waist was a woman and that she knew better than I did what was happening and what was wrong. She continued to bark orders all the while exploring my swollen belly and cramped nether region carefully with her hands. There were calluses at her fingers but her touch was soft, barely discernible and my fears began to ebb away.

"She ordered the men to guard the door and turned around. When the next contraction hit she held my hand and helped me to breathe. She told me, the baby hadn't turned around yet – and what she would have to do about it. She held my hand and talked to me the whole night through. Without her, my daughter never would have been born and I would have died also. She took us back to her camp on a litter. There was a tent set aside the healer's hut and after we had settled another litter was brought in."

"When the General began to prepare for the trip back to Greece she asked us what we would like to do." The dark skinned man at Shirin's left said. "I knew that it would be impossible to stay in a town where her father still held too much power. We talked about it and asked to go with the General to Corinth. Shirin was helping in the kitchen a few candlemarks a day and I was assigned to deal with the Persian emissaries and correspondence aside from working as a woodcarver. When the General began to prepare for the campaign against the Romans, she sent my family to Amphipolis. She said it wasn't safe in the capital any longer."

"If you don't mind our company we will come with you to the Amazons. She is beginning a new life there, a life with peace and love she more than deserves to lead. The people who care about her should be part of this."

Cyrene was confused, to say the least. There were more and more questions accumulating in her mind the longer this journey took, questions only her daughter would be able to answer.

"Are you really sure that you want to leave your home without knowing what the next day will bring for you and your child?"

"Yes, Cyrene, we are sure. We love the inn and the people in the village. They never showed us the contempt some of the nobles in Corinth had for us, especially when Xena invited us to her table for official dinners. But both of us hoped that one day she would call us back to the palace. So, yes, it is worth the risk. Reena can't wait to see her again."

"How comes that you are one of the few people to call Xena by her name?"

"When she birthed my child she told my it would be easier this way, and when we were back in Greece she told me to keep it up. She said that she needed the company of at least a few people handling her like a human being and not listening to her reputation."

Three days later Cyrene's party once again set out. The packing mules had been replaced by three wagons with supplies, and to Palemon's dismay they were slowed down, not much but he also didn't know what timetable he had to race against. To be sincere he also didn't know what Cyrene possibly could do to dissuade the Amazons should they decide to execute the General.

-x-x-x-x-

Gabrielle was securely nestled in the circle of Xena's long arms, her right leg with the new, much lighter and smaller splints was pinning the taller woman to the soft mattress. She wasn't yet allowed to leave the wheelchair but now she at least was able to bend her knee and start on really exercising her muscles. Her eyes were closed tight and she was wide-awake. She just wasn't ready to face reality.

It was the day after the jury's judgement. The two of them had spent the day as they had finished the last, with lots of talking and making love. The new splints Anara had insisted on putting on this morning enabled her to take a more active role in their play. During the long nights alone in the healer's hut she not only had missed Xena's embrace to keep the nightmares at bay, she also longed for the unique feeling of Xena's wet centre under her tongue, the blissful expression on the older woman's face when coaxing her to multiple orgasms. The day before she wasn't able to stop the feeling of having to learn about her lover's body all over again. It wasn't at all true but when they went to the dining hall to get their midday meal, she suddenly understood why she was feeling this way.

There was a playfulness emanating from the tall warrior Gabrielle only knew from rare private moments with her. This wasn't the woman able to face down an assembly of grown battle-hardened men by raising an eyebrow. This wasn't the woman whose smile could freeze an entire army in horror. This wasn't the ruthless murderer who first killed, and asked questions later. Though she didn't let her guard down completely Xena was relaxed. What she had said the day before was true; it was as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

Some candledrops ago, the tall woman fell asleep but Gabrielle was too anxious to follow her example despite her newfound insight in her lover's feelings. It was already late afternoon and soon Xena would be escorted to the temple of Artemis. The young woman's stomach clenched at the thought of what would happen the next morning and she couldn't help the goose bumps crawling over her skin. She instinctively snuggled closer, holding tight.

She felt Xena's lips on the top of her head, her voice whispering. "Everything will be all right, love."

"I'm so afraid for you, Xe. I don't want it to happen, I don't want you to hurt."

"I know, my love, but it's the right thing to do." There was a long moment of silence before Xena continued. "I know you're not comfortable with my decision but if you really think you can't life with it, I'll go back on my word. You know that I want to scale the balances with the Amazons but you're far more important."

"You really would do this for me?"

Xena slowly nodded but there also was a great sadness in her eyes.

"I love you, Xe, but you have to follow your heart and your conscience. I may not like it, and I really don't but as long as you are sure that this has to be done I'll be by your side."

"So, I guess you won't consider staying in the village tomorrow. You don't have to watch."

"Don't, Xena! I'll be by your side, no matter what. I won't let you face them alone… And they better don't even attempt to make any weird remarks or else I'll… I'll..."

"You have my permission to roll them over with your wheelchair. But be assured, they won't, Gabrielle," Both women turned their heads to see Queen Melosa casually leaning on the windowsill. "Some of my sisters may only come out of curiosity but the better part will be there out of respect for someone who has the courage not to take the easier way out. The trial and the way Xena held her own in the forced interrogation have effectively silenced the few critics left after the fight. I'm sorry to intrude, Gabrielle, but it's time for the ritual bath."

"I have to be at the temple at sunset. Queen Melosa is right. Please try to get some sleep, Gab. Tomorrow Solari and Ephiny will help you to get to the temple in time. I love you."

Xena stood, put on her sandals, and placed tender kisses on the blond woman's forehead, her eyes, and her mouth. She jumped out of the window and was gone.

"I love you too, Xe." Gabrielle said to the empty room. She snuggled deeper under the blanket, hugging the pillow, and inhaled the scent and warmth of the others woman's body still lingering there. She closed her eyes, picturing in her mind what now was happening some hundred paces away. Only this morning while Anara was changing her splints and tending to Xena's back the Queen had thoroughly explained the proceedings.

The bathing area now was empty except for Xena and Queen Melosa. Usually at this time of the day, before the evening meal, there was a large crowd using the facilities. This day Xena would not simply take a bath, Melosa in her role as the Priestess of Artemis would conduct a purification ritual: beginning with cold ablutions, the main part consisted in a massage with a slightly rough textured cream peeling away the outermost layer of Xena's skin. After residual cream had been washed away with more cold water the tall woman would put on a set of plain Amazon leathers, the one's she had been wearing during the summer festival. She would follow the Queen to the temple where she had to spend the night. Queen Melosa had told her that this would give her lover the chance to meditate and pray – to put her in the right frame of mind.

Gabrielle tried to stop her mind from anticipating further, from what would happen some time after sunrise – without great success. The soft mattress became increasingly uncomfortable, and the young woman grew increasingly restless. Meanwhile it was dark outside, she was well aware that Xena wanted her not to get out of bed on her own. She all but had made the promise to wait for Ephiny and Solari to help her. Gabrielle also knew that she never would be able to sleep.

It took her almost one and a half candlemark to get ready and lift her body into the chair, and another half candlemark to open the door and roll out of the hut. She was lucky, there already were enough stars in the sky to let her easily find the way to the temple. This way at least she would be as close to her lover as possible. She stayed at the edge of the clearing, longingly looking towards the steps to Artemis' temple. There was enough light to clearly see the outlines of the big statue inside, and she was sure to also be able to discern Xena's lean body in front of the altar.

Alas! she wasn't able to make out if Xena was praying or meditating. One day when the tall woman gave her a lesson in meditation, she had told her that these techniques were not only useful to clear one's mind. She had told her the story of a master of meditation who was able to escape captivity by reducing his heartbeats and making his guards believe that he already was dead. They also could be used to reduce the sensibility to pain or to increase the body's ability to heal. Xena could use them to make her ordeal more bearable.

"She won't do it, Gabrielle."

The young woman turned around as fast as possible and found herself facing Xena's prosecutor. She still was angry with the woman but she couldn't help asking. "What are you talking about?"

"She won't use her spiritual powers to make this easier but she also won't use them to make it more difficult or more painful."

"The meditation techniques, how can you be so sure? How did you know what I was thinking about?"

"You love her, you're in love with her. Your face was easy to read, little one. Her sense of integrity and honour wouldn't allow either."

"Don't call me 'little one'. She told me what it means, and you don't have the right to call me thus'. If it were up to me you even wouldn't be allowed to use it for her." The blonde angrily retorted. "She loves you, and you hurt her."

"So, you're still mad at me. She told me you would be – and I really do understand your feelings. I probably would feel the same if our roles were reversed.

"There's rain in the air, we should go back to the village. Queen Melosa is with her; she will keep an eye on Xena all through the night. There's nothing we can do right now. Let's go back to your hut and have a talk."

The young woman didn't answer immediately; the older one let her take her time. "She told me that for a long time you were her light, that you gave voice to her heart while her soul was captured by darkness. She told me that since defeating Cortese you carried the voice of reason and humanity.

"She also said that the forced interrogation was necessary to break through the barriers she keeps her memories and emotions under. So, I guess, somehow, I owe you this talk."

-x-x-x-x-

Meanwhile Xena was on her knees in front of the altar. Her sandals were just outside the entrance, and her weight was resting on her heels. She resisted the urge to pray or meditate and concentrated instead on reviewing the last night she had spent in Artemis' temple. Then she had been kneeling on the left side of the altar as befitted an uninitiated assistant, and the Queen who this night was sitting on the right side had been in front of it.

She had tried to act as if on night watch in the forest with all her senses concentrated on external stimuli but it hadn't worked. Instead, she helplessly watched as wave after wave of images rolled through her mind. At first, there had been the far too familiar images of dead bodies, burning houses, and deadly wounded crying out in pain and fear. She had seen all the things she had done over the years and regretted at one point or the other: Queen Cyane's death, the battles against the Centaurs, Borias' lifeless body, the unconcealed hatred in Kaleipus' eyes. Just remembering these things she could feel her grip on her emotions lessening.

The images she consciously had recalled now came seemingly of their own accord. Like the last time they brought back memories of happier times: Her younger self trying to jump a ravine. The first time she mastered riding the big black stallion even the most skilled of her fellow villagers wasn't able to approach. Lying in the grass with Lyceus while searching for pictures in the clouds or the stars. The first buck she hunted down on her own, field dressed, and brought back to the inn. Many happy memories, even from the time of darkness.

The last sequel of images she had seen the first night had been centred entirely on Gabrielle. It was then that she knew for certain that there was something to live for and that she had to survive the trial. That's why she agreed to answer Ephiny's questions, and she really had tried her best but sometimes it was just too hard and too shameful to open the doors to certain memories.

The last time the images had stopped there, not this night though. This night she saw a tall girl with jet-black hair, a summer dress ripped to pieces at the front showing a collection of bruises, both old and new ones, and bite marks. In her hand, she had a red-hot iron bar but she didn't feel the heat. Her almost lifeless eyes were fixed to a body in front of her, the body of a bearded men about seven feet tall with broad shoulders and very well muscled lying in a pool of blood on the ground.

Xena heard herself thinking. 'No, I don't want to see this.' But the image in her head didn't go away. When finally the adults found the girl, the iron bar had already cooled down and attached itself to her hand. The reeve tried to take it from her but the skin tore from the flesh and the pain let her snap back to reality. The marks on her body told the elders enough to close the case as self-defence, and in a way, it was. Her body healed but it took moons for her eyes to once again reflect life and joy.

The tall warrior physically was shaking when she thought about the moon and a half before and the moons after his death. She knew that she had to get back some semblance of control and began to take deep calming breaths.

Finally, these memories faded away – but only to be replaced by another dead body: The tear stained face of a very young woman was looking in open but unseeing eyes, trying to wrap her mind around the unbelievable, the one thing she never had taken into consideration when organising the defense of their home town.

Cortese and his men were on the run, all of them except for the wounded and the dead, the village was safe. She had turned around to share their triumph with her younger brother when he suddenly dropped to his knees, an arrowhead protruding his chest. Acting on instinct alone she threw her sword at his already injured attacker and caught Lyceus collapsing body in her arms. On his face was no pain, not even surprise. It still reflected youthful joy, the glory of having defended his home at the age of thirteen, of finally having proven himself as a man.

The images shifted, and Xena now was looking at her own body, at her younger self. Silent tears were running down her cheeks, she made no sound at all, no sobs, no wailing, no cursing, just a seemingly never-ending flow of salty water. When the rest of her improvised militia returned from their pursuit of the enemy, they tried to take care of his body.

One of the older men knelt down and closed his eyes. The young woman slowly looked up. Her sky blue eyes were dark and cold. She cradled the corpse in her arms, his light brown hair resting at her shoulder. She slowly stood holding onto him like a mother would to her sleeping child. She raised her voice and the victory drunken crowd in front of her fell silent. She told them that they had done a great job at defending Amphipolis. But she also told them that their job wasn't finished yet, that it was their duty to keep the village safe not only now but for years to come. She told them that they not only had to do this for the sake of their families but also for the memory of the purest and the most brave of them all. 'His death shall not be in vain.'

The tall youngster carried her brother the two hundred paces to her mother's inn and gently lowered him on her bed. She reappeared and went to retrieve her sword from the body of his murderer. She yanked it free, disregarding his faint breathing. All her strength was put in a single blow, severing his head. She impaled the head on a spear and planted the spear in front of the inn.

Xena knew exactly what she had been feeling then. She knew of the anger and hatred bit by bit swallowing her guilt and grief, leading her from protector to warlord to conqueror, form village girl to soldier to murderer. But now it was as if she were observing a complete stranger. She tried to find these feelings in her heart now but they were simply not there. Yes, there was grief and regret that her kind-hearted, beautiful brother didn't have the chance to grow into a strong, caring man but there was no hatred, no self-loathing, and no numbness. She continued to examine her emotions and finally had to concede that it wasn't something new she was feeling, until now she simply hadn't been able to acknowledge it.

For the first time since her vigil had begun, she raised her eyes to the statue of Artemis dominating the hall. She closed her eyes for a long heartbeat and let her mind speak.

'Artemis! Goddess of the hunt and the moon, Protector of the Amazon Nation! You know I don't speak kindly of most of the Gods and I usually speak to only one, the One who was before Zeus and Cronos, the One who always will be. My prayers go to her because she isn't known for her interference in the life of mortals.

'When my brother died I was weak and I embraced the darkness that always has been a part of me. It dominated everything I did, everything I thought. I didn't want to accept it's hold on me, my pride wouldn't allow it. Now I know that it is a part of what, of who I am. I am a fighter, a warrior; whenever I kill, the darkness grows.

'The darkness probably never will go away completely but without my fighting abilities I also won't succumb to it a second time. Please take the….'

There was a noise as if thunder was exploding directly in front of her, a blue light wrapped itself around the statue and lent her a semblance of life. The green gems her eyes were made of seemed to sparkle and a familiar voice echoed in her heart.

'No, Xena, it took you long enough to finally choose the way that was meant to be yours from the beginning. Today and the moons to come you will atone for the crimes committed against the Amazon Nation but this only is the beginning. Assuring the safety of Greece is your destiny but until now, you only guarded your home land, your heritage against external evil. It is time for you to fight the internal enemy. You are a fighter and you always will be. You will need your weapons and all of your fighting skills in the years to come, not only in physical battles. The strength of your mind and your heart will be as important as the power of your sword arm or the sureness of your aim. Remember what the masked warrior taught to you.'

'I don't deserve that you speak to me, Goddess.'

'No, you don't – not yet. Some day in the future you will understand. I won't do anything that might endanger your destiny but I will grant you a wish, to you personally, Gabrielle and Thania must heal in their own time.'

'You know my thoughts well.' Xena had the impression that the statue was smiling. 'I'm healing faster than any other mortal I ever saw. The punishment won't be as hard on me as it should be. Could you take this away and give it back when I've redeemed myself in your eyes, Artemis?'

'Your ability to heal fast is as much a part of you as your fighting skills. Gods only can heal or condemn with the blessings of Athena or Apollo. I can't make any promises but I'll try.'

'Thank you, Artemis.' Xena's mind answered and while she closed her eyes, the light in the temple returned to its usual nightly shade.

-x-x-x-x-

The tall woman heard and sensed the forest surrounding the temple slowly awakening to a new day though dawn was still another half candlemark away. She knew she should be worried about the conversation her young lover and her oldest friend were probably still engaged in. She should worry if the Goddess would grant her wish and about how Gabrielle would react to the news. She should be worried about the moons to come and her unique position amongst the Amazon Nation. She should worry about the future of Greece, about what the Goddess meant when she told her about the internal enemy. Instead, she felt calm and surprisingly well rested.

Xena could hear the steady rhythm of Queen Melosa's breathing, indicating that she still was deep in prayer. She could feel the sun rising behind her back and without moving a muscle she dedicated a prayer of her own to Artemis and to the one who was first and always will be. She still was kneeling in front of the altar when the first Amazons were arriving at the temple clearing.

She recognised the voices of some of the royal guards, obviously sent in advance to keep the other spectators some paces away from the temple steps to make sure that there was enough space to accommodate the jury as the official witnesses of Xena's punishment. There were more and more people coming near but only when her ears recognised the distinct scratching of wheels on the hard ground she slowly opened her eyes.

When Queen Melosa squeezed her shoulder, she stood, fastened the thongs keeping the sandals in place, and left the temple. Every single Amazon not on guard duty was standing in expectant silence with the jury, Ephiny, Gabrielle, Theano, and Chandala in the front row. Xena descended the seven stairs to ground level, turned around and knelt on her right knee. Melosa was still at the top, an unrolled scroll in her hands. The whole assembly bowed their heads when she raised her voice.

"I am Melosa, priestess of Artemis, I am Melosa, Queen of the Amazon Nation by right of birth and mutual consent. I greet all of you my sisters, you who have come here to witness justice satisfied.

"Xena of Amphipolis, you were found guilty of sacrilegious behaviour in three cases. Every case will be punished separately. You will receive three sets of fifty strokes with a single tail whip on your back, and twenty more for one of the Amazons you killed on sacred ground was a Queen. Only strokes that break the skin will be counted. There will be a period of recuperation of a full moon between each set, and you will stay a slave to the Amazon nation until the last stroke lands on your skin. Are you ready to submit to Amazon justice?"

"Yes, Queen Melosa. I choose Theano as my assistant."

This was a surprise not only for the audiences but also to the Queen. "I'm sorry, Xena, I'm not able to approve of your choice. The assistant has to be a relative or a bond mate. In your case only the third option is left, the Priestess herself."

The kneeling woman turned her head to Theano who took three steps forward, smiled and nodded. "Queen Melosa, Theano is part of my family. She is my second mother."

The astonishment on Melosa's face now was clearly visible but at the same time, many things suddenly began to make sense. "Do you accept the culprit's choice, Theano?"

"Yes, Queen Melosa, I do."

Melosa nodded her agreement and told Eponin to begin. The weapons' master gave a pair of fur-lined cuffs to the older Amazon that fitted around Xena's wrists without even a tenth of an inch give. The raven-haired woman climbed the stairs and knelt on the stony ground between two pillars in front of the temple entrance. Sturdy leather thongs were fastened at the cuffs and wrought tightly around each pillar stretching Xena's arms as far as possible. The leather straps holding her top were unlaced and a great white towel tied around her waist. Theano would count the strokes and make sure that she didn't pass out in the process.

Eponin was still standing in front of the stairs but instead of uncoiling the whip she laid it down on the first step went up to Xena and knelt in front of her. "Xena, I see you as a friend but the law doesn't leave me any choice in the matter. Please forgive me what I have the duty to do."

"There's nothing to forgive, weapons' master. You are a friend to me, too, now more than ever. I would be honoured if you could see your duty also as a personal favour for me."

"Thank you, my friend."

The Amazon returned to her assigned place and put to use what she only recently had learned from the woman now under her lash.

"Fifteen."

Theano requested a break. Drops of blood were colouring the towel around Xena's hips. The lash not only had drawn blood every time but also opened up some of the welts from the forced interrogation. Beads of sweat already were covering the rest of the bound woman's skin and the older Amazon gently wiped them away from her face. She whispered in her ear.

"There's no shame in screaming, little one. It won't change their respect for you and it won't change Gabrielle's love."

Xena managed a small smile and answered. "Not yet, Theano. I have to do this my way."

The whipping continued.

"Twenty-five."

"Twenty-nine."

At the thirty-third stroke, the lawyer called another time-out. To the untrained eye, Xena's back already was a bloody mess but she yet had to utter a single scream or moan. There were tears silently running down her cheeks, and Theano had to force the tip of a water skin between her clenched teeth.

"Drink, Xena. Only seventeen more to go. I know you can do it, little one."

She made sure that Xena's long black hair didn't accidentally touch her back, gave her a kiss on the forehead and signalled to Eponin to continue. She stayed in front of the younger warrior, holding Xena's pain-filled blue eyes with her own.

"Forty-nine."

The bound woman screamed, an earth-shattering scream, part pain, and part anger but when the last stroke hit its target, she abruptly fell silent. When her wrists were simultaneously uncuffed by the Queen and the weapons' master she collapsed against Theano's chest who helped her to her feet as gently as possible. Xena took a couple of deep breaths trying to tone out the pain radiating from her back and through her body to the very end of her hair. She slowly steadied herself and made small steps to the altar where she bent her knee and whispered 'Thank you, Artemis.'

-x-x-x-x-

Xena descended the stairs in slow motion and went directly to Gabrielle. The young woman was very pale and she visibly had trouble to keep her tears in check. Once again, she went down on her right knee, painfully leaned forward, and kissed her.

"I love you, Gabrielle. All the time, I could feel your eyes on me, and the power of your love gave me strength. You are the light in my darkness; you hold my soul. Being with me makes your life dangerous; being with me may even threaten your soul. I don't know what the future will bring but I know that I can't imagine living my life without you. It would be more appropriate to wait but I simply have to ask now. Will you become my wife, will you join your life with mine 'til death will part us as soon as I am a free woman once again?"

The blond woman was speechless, never before Xena had given voice to her feelings in public, and now this!! She kissed her back, looked deep in her lover's eyes, and answered. "Yes, Xe, I will. – But now we should go back to the village where Anara can see to your back."

Xena smiled and took the first two steps towards the edge of the clearing when a dizzy spell hit her. Immediately Theano was at her side. "You have nothing to prove, Xena."

"Thank you for looking out for me, my second mother."

"Any time, little one."

"Eponin, my friend, I could use another helping hand to get back to the village."

The weapons' master smiled a relieved smile, draped Xena's arm around her shoulders, and the threesome slowly navigated through the easily parting crowd with Gabrielle, Ephiny, Melosa and the rest of the jury following close behind.

The End

Stay tuned for the sequel: Conqueror And Amazon: Echoes Of Darkness