CHAPTER NINE: CAN'T HAVE YOU, CAN'T LET YOU GO


True to her word Misaki texted Rin the next day to plan a time to get together too bad she really really didn't want to have to talk to Rin about the incident. So instead of meeting right away Misaki came up with a ridiculous amount of excuses. She had to walk her neighbor's dog. She couldn't find her house keys. She didn't feel good. Her house had been robbed my pigeons and now she was stuck talking to the pigeon police. Okay so the last one wasn't given out as an excuse but if Misaki kept it up pretty soon she'd have to use nonsensical reasons like that. She managed to put off the meeting for a good five days. She was hoping to make it a week before she was forced to confront Rin but that wasn't about to happen.

Misaki had been eating M&Ms and watching a Sixteen and Pregnant marathon when she heard the loud banging on her door. After mumbling about how whoever was outside must be an idiot to not ring the doorbell she peeked through the peephole to see that she in fact knew the idiot.

"I know you're home," Rin shouted from outside the door as he continued knocking, "Just open up the fucking door already."

Misaki didn't open the door. Instead she ran upstairs faster than she thought possible. She hadn't planned on going anywhere today so she had yet to shower or change out of her hot pink pajama pants. As she sprayed dry shampoo in her hair she could hear Rin banging on the door and yelling more profanities. The boy really had developed a potty mouth.

Normally Misaki would spend half an hour trying to figure out what to wear but with the boy causing a riot outside of her door she had a whole minute and a half. This led to Misaki throwing on an oversized plain white-t shirt and some dark washed skinny jeans. For makeup she managed to put on some black eyeliner and mascara but around this time Rin seemed to find the doorbell and was now obsessively ringing it.

"Oh my god!" Misaki hissed as she ran down the stairs, running her fingers through her hair in an attempt to get all the dry shampoo out, "I heard you the first time."

Any nervousness that Misaki had about Rin being at her door had been replaced by anger at his antics. Seriously, no one needs to ring a doorbell fifty times. Misaki swung the door open with more force than necessary and although she tried not to she was sure she was glaring up at the male, "You didn't have to rape my doorbell."

"Then why didn't you answer the first time?"

Misaki watched as Rin pushed past her, entering her home without an invitation. "Cause."

"You watch this crap?"

He was referring to Sixteen and Pregnant, which was still playing on the TV. His eyes lingered on the TV ears perked as he listened to one of the moms fight with her baby daddy. "It's informative television," Misaki said as she gently closed the door, "So why the random house visit?"

Rin walked towards the couch, sitting down and resting his elbows on his knees, "Because you said we'd meet to talk."

That she had. "You could have texted me to let me know you were coming."

"You would have made up an excuse," Rin looked over his shoulder to see Misaki still standing by the door, "You're a terrible liar, even over text."

Misaki wanted to deny this but it was no use. Instead she let out a pent up exhale and went to sit on the couch. She could have sat right next to Rin, in fact that is what she wanted to do but instead she found herself huddled on the other end of the couch. Rin noticed where she was sitting and slid closer to her, causing Misaki to visibly flinch.

Rin's head dropped, his hands balling into fists momentarily, "Stop acting like that," he breathed.

"Like what?" she asked, but there was no need. Misaki knew exactly how she was acting. Like she was scared of confronting what had happened with Rin.

Rin didn't answer, instead he stared down at the floor for a few minutes as if trying to find the words to express what he had been feeling. The sound of Sixteen and Pregnant filled the silence but once Rin looked up he grabbed the remote and turned the TV off.

"What do you think of me?" Rin asked, looking at Misaki through his peripherals

"That's kind of vague," Misaki muttered, "Um I dunno I think you're….tall?"

"That's not what I meant," Rin grumbled as he began nervously tapping his right foot, "Do you, argh, do you."

"Do I…?"

"Look just do you like me or?"

The question was mumbled and full of embarrassment. Even as children Rin always had a hard time expressing his emotions and that trait hadn't gone away. Misaki wondered how many times he had rehearsed that question. How many times he walked around his room pulling his hair as he tried to figure out a way to ask her what he was dying to know. The thought of this question plaguing Rin's mind made Misaki inwardly smile, but the answer she knew she would give made her outwardly frown.

"I have a boyfriend," she breathed, "I can like you as a friend but not as anything more."

Misaki couldn't bring herself to look at Rin though she could imagine his reaction. She had basically just turned him down, after all they had been through here she was telling him that they couldn't be more than friends.

"Then why did you kiss me?"

"You kissed me," she corrected, "And it was…" Wonderful. Perfect. Everything I've ever hoped for. "A mistake."

This time she saw it. The obvious hurt that flashed through Rin's eyes. The anger that was welling up inside of him. She could see it because she felt the same way. She was angry about what happened and how in order to be a good person, a good girlfriend, she would have to reject Rin. Reject him. Just the thought of that made Misaki feel sick because for years Rin was all she ever wanted and now he was here and she simply couldn't have him.

"Then you should take that fucking bracelet off."

"Don't get mad," she whimpered trying to hold back tears.

"Whatever," Rin mumbled, pushing himself off the couch and making his way towards the door.

He was leaving. He was walking out her house, of her life. Misaki knew Rin. After this he wouldn't try anymore. He'd bottle all of his emotions and distance himself from her, just like he had done with the team. She'd become a stranger, an enemy, the girl who broke his heart. She'd lose him again but this time she had a choice. This time she could see him separating himself from her. This time she wouldn't let him get away.

Misaki tried to think of words that would stop Rin from leaving. In those few seconds she rummaged through her mind for the right thing to say but she couldn't find it. Instead she rushed off of the couch. She ran past Rin, stopping in front of him to block the exit. As his mouth opened to tell her to move Misaki seized the opportunity.

Rin's intoxicating smell filled her nostrils as she hungrily captured his lips. Her tongue ran over his bottom lip eliciting a low moan from Rin whose hands had quickly wrapped around Misaki's waist. His lips were moist and soft as they loosely pressed against hers. A fire began building in Misaki's stomach as she pushed her body closer and closer to Rin's until with a loud pant she shoved him away.

"I'm such an awful person!" Misaki groaned as she began pacing around her living room.

Mid-step Misaki stopped to see Rin raising one eyebrow while touching his lips. He looked to be both confused and aroused and if he didn't wipe that cute look off his face Misaki was afraid she'd kiss him again.

"Huh?," Rin muttered as he took a step closer to Misaki only to watch her take a step backwards, "Hey! Stop that and just come here already."

"I'm an awful person," Misaki repeated as she shook her head left and right, "I tried to lie to you but I couldn't and now I just ugh!"

She was rambling but Rin managed to pick out one word from her previous statement. "What did you lie to me about?"

Misaki's eyes widened before she turned her gaze down to the floor, "That it was a mistake," she muttered looking up to see an unreadable expression on Rin's face though if she had to guess she'd say he looked pleased

"Don't get me wrong though!" Misaki shouted, pointing a finger at Rin, "What we did was not good, well it was good but," a deep inhale filled Misaki's lungs as she calmed herself down, "Rin, I'm a cheater."

"So?"

He had cocked an eyebrow as he said the simple word that made Misaki want to scream. "So? So?" Her voice rose the second time she said the word and her eyes dramatically rolled, "So last time I checked infidelity is kinda a big deal because it's wrong and wrong and I dunno wrong."

"Misaki haven't you ever heard the phrase 'it takes two'? Makoto is my friend so how do you think this makes me feel?"

Misaki had never stopped to think about how this would affect Rin, but once she did the guilt only became worse. Makoto and Rin had been friends for just as long as Misaki and Rin and although he didn't always show it she knew that Rin valued all of his friendships. Misaki also knew how much Makoto valued Rin and considered him to be a good friend. Now his good friend was making out with his girlfriend. If Misaki had been cheating on Makoto with a stranger she felt the betrayal wouldn't be as bad. But she had cheated with Rin, someone who Makoto knew very very well.

"Well," Misaki breathed, "What do you want to do?"

Rin stayed silent for a moment before letting out a frustrated groan, "If only I'd kept writing you."

"Don't blame yourself," Misaki replied even though Rin's statement had been rhetorical.

"I can't help it," Rin sadistically snickered, "You're not the first thing in my life that I've lost, I'm sure you won't be the last either."

The hurt in Rin's eyes made Misaki's stomach clench as she desperately wished that things could be different. "You didn't lose me," she whispered as she took slow steps back towards Rin.

"Ha! Thanks but last I checked you're dating Makoto and not me."

She could hear the venom in his voice as he scratched the back of his neck, his gaze off to the side and his lips turned downward. As she wrapped her arms around his waist she could feel his body jerk from surprise.

"Whataya doing?"

"Hugging you stupid," Misaki muttered as she pressed her cheek against Rin's chest.

"You're a pain in the ass," Rin sighed as he gently wrapped his arms around Misaki's shoulders and pulled her closer.

A small laugh left Misaki's mouth as she felt him hug her back and she couldn't deny how good it felt to be held by Rin. "I don't want to lose you," she whispered, closing her eyes as she heard Rin's next exhale get caught in his throat.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she nodded, nuzzling into his chest, "And about your question, you know the one about if I like you?"

"Uh-huh," Rin mumbled as he rested his chin on top of Misaki's head.

"Well do you remember how I used to sign my letters?" her cheeks began to burn as she remembered all those times she signed 'I love you' "Let's just say that if I was going to write you a letter now I'd sign it the same way."

"Heh yeah well same for you." The words came out muttered and soft but they made Misaki's heart swell as she released Rin from the hug only to grab his hand and begin tugging him towards the couch.

"Watch TV with me," she stated happily as Rin allowed himself to be pulled and then placed on the couch.

"I don't just have all day to sit around and watch your shitty teen dramas."

Misaki decided to ignore Rin's insult about her TV preferences and instead turned on her TV and Xbox so she could find something to watch off of Netflix, "We can watch a movie then," she stated as she sat down next to Rin, "Plus what else could you possibly have to do today? It's summer break."

"Not for me, I had to ditch my last class just to come here and swim practice starts in about," Rin paused to look at his wrist watch, "Thirty minutes."

"Oh my gosh then you need to get going!" Misaki dropped the Xbox controller on the floor as she began trying to pull Rin up from the couch, but this time he wasn't as compliant.

"Jeez calm down its fine if I miss one practice. Plus it's not like we've even figured out what to do about all this."

"I think we should just watch a movie," Misaki shrugged as she sat back down, "Or you can go to swim practice."

"I'm not going and I don't know how watching a movie is going to solve any of our problems."

"It's not," Misaki breathed as she leaned down to pick up the controller, "But I have no idea what else to do. All I know is that I want you around."

"So now you're okay with being a cheater?"

The word made Misaki cringe as she scrolled through the recently added list on Netflix, "Hanging out with someone isn't cheating. Just don't kiss me and we'll be alright."

"I make no promises," Rin grumbled before reaching over and snatching the controller from Misaki's hands, "You're taking too long I'll just pick."

Although Misaki couldn't pick she managed to lead Rin through the selections with a variety of noises. When Rin was going through all the manly action movies she snorted, earning his attention. As he looked at her he sighed and moved to another genre. Finally Misaki managed to get him into the comedy section where he picked an unknown title and threw the Xbox remote to the side.

"So," Rin began as he slouched down into the couch, "What are you going to tell Makoto?"

"Nothing."

"Are you going to break up with him?"

Misaki let out a sigh as she pulled her legs up onto the couch, "I don't know Rin," as she looked to the side she could see that this answer disappointed him, "It's complicated so until I figure something out you and I can hang out."

"Just hang out?"

"Yes," Misaki said as she lightly punched Rin in the shoulder, "The one thing I do know is that I don't want to cheat on Makoto."

Rin turned to look at her, an eyebrow raised.

"Any more than I have," Misaki muttered, "So just wait for me to figure it out okay?"

"Heh yeah okay," Rin mumbled as he thought back to the young boy who had once asked a young girl the same request.


Author's Note: what do you guys think Misaki should do? break up with Makoto? not break up with him? some other third option?

HellOnTheEngine: I LOVE THAT IDEA. i actually hadn't thought about something like that, well I kind of had, but not in the way you expressed it but don't be surprised if your idea or some version of it shows up in the story!