Lies of the Soul

~Chapter 8 – Too Much to Lose~

BPOV

Growing up, I'd often curse god for making me a girl. Everything would have been so much easier if I was just born with a penis; no tapping breasts, no periods, no excuses to get me out of doctor's visits, no hiding in the bathroom to change during PE, and no lying to the people who mattered most to me. But in the days that followed making love to Edward for the first time, I found myself thanking god for my femininity.

Edward knew my body better than I did; he knew exactly how to touch me and the perfect pressure to apply. I couldn't get enough of him, and he seemed to feel the same way about me because we would do nothing but lay in bed all day and discover each other. His kisses were so tender, and his touch was electric. I was vaguely aware of the subtle burning between my legs, but it wasn't enough to stop me from wanting him inside me over and over again. I wasn't stupid, I knew it couldn't last forever, but I refused to think about the time when I would have to be separated from him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth either. The truth would only end our passion indefinitely, and I wasn't ready to give him up yet. I would probably never be ready, so no matter how wrong it was, I decided to ignore the truth for a while. Perhaps after some time together, he may forgive me easier when he finally found out.

"Was that your stomach, or is there more thunder?" he asked after my stomach growled for the umpteenth time.

"Well, if thunder will result in this type of action, I really hope it was that," I said while pulling myself closer to him.

He laughed quietly. "I really didn't expect you to be the type who was afraid of a storm."

"I never really have been before, but we're so high up in this building. Weren't you afraid at all?"

"Nah. This building has been here for a long time. If lightning was going to do any damage to it, it would have happened already."

"So, you weren't ever afraid, not even during the first storm you lived here for?"

"I haven't been afraid of storms since I was a kid," he said softly.

"What changed?"

"I don't know, I guess I just stopped being scared of things." He was quiet for a few minutes, but then he continued unexpectedly. "I think that when Ben died, I realized that there wasn't really anything left to be afraid of."

"What do you mean?" I asked feeling horrible about the conversation topic, but not being able to change the subject either.

"When you don't have much to lose…there's not much to be afraid of. If the worst thing is death, but your only friend was already dead, what difference would it make? Death might even be a welcomed relief."

"Do you still feel that way?" I whispered, terrified by the thought.

He gently moved out from under me, and rolled over so he was hovering above me with one arm on each side of my head. "No, I don't feel that way anymore," he murmured before lowering himself down on me and attaching his lips to mine.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, and without hesitation, he thrust back into me and started pumping. I was becoming more comfortable with his size as my body adjusted to accommodate all of him, and any pain I felt in the beginning was just a phantom memory. He was breathtaking. Every inch of him was like a symphony. I watched the muscles flex in his arms and neck as he continued to thrust, and I couldn't help but see the utter beauty in the way he was put together. I reached up and knotted my hands in the softness of his hair, and couldn't help but think about all the times I had wished I could do that as a teenager. His hair was always a guilty pleasure of mine, I'd spend many nights burying my face in it while he slept, and wishing I could run my hands through without waking him. But I didn't have to worry about waking him anymore; he was awake and he never once cringed from my touch.

He was so dominant without being overbearing, and I loved every second of it. I never would have expected him to completely take charge in that way, but I was so glad he did. His confidence was a definite turn on, especially the way he took complete ownership of my body. He always owned my soul, but now there was nothing I couldn't give him, nothing I wouldn't do for him and I really hoped he'd take advantage of that.

After we both climaxed again, I actually whimpered when he pulled away from me.

"I think we missed work again today," he said and even without looking at him, I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"Shit," I said carelessly with a smile.

"But, we can't miss another meal. I'm starving and we both know that was your stomach growling." He proceeded to get dressed, and I couldn't help the grimace that plastered my face. Now that I knew what was under all those clothes, I never wanted to see him covered up again.

"I don't care about my stomach, come back to bed."

"I'm going to see what we have to cook," he said quickly before disappearing down the hall. I decided to jump in the shower and then get dressed, because I knew we didn't have anything fresh to eat in the kitchen and I was actually hungrier than I was letting on. The shower felt good, but I realized that I was in a lot more pain than I thought, but that didn't stop me from hoping he'd join me in the shower.

Unfortunately, the shower ended and he didn't come in with me, but that was probably for the better anyway. I was too hungry and sore to fully enjoy the new setting, so waiting for shower sex would be best.

I dried off and got dressed, and then went out to see what Edward was doing. He was wearing nothing but sweat pants and a wife-beater tank, and I nearly died from his perfection.

He heard me enter the room, so he didn't even look up before he began speaking. "We don't have much I can make…." He finally lifted his eyes to look at me, and frowned.

"What?" I asked slightly hurt by his apparent negative assessment of my appearance.

"Nothing, I just…." he paused strangely, and then walked closer to me. He then wrapped his arms around my waist, and kissed the crook my neck. "I just really don't get these clothes you always wear."

I smiled as his breath tickled my throat. "I have to wear clothes; it's illegal to walk around in public naked.

"Yeah, but why do you have to wear clothes that makes you look like you're in a religious extremist cult. I mean, I dig the sexy librarian thing, but…"

"But this isn't sexy," I finished his statement, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

"Don't get me wrong, you'd look good in a trash bag, but I'm just really curious how a friend of Alice's gets away with clothes like this."

"I don't, I have to hide this stuff when I know she's going to do a closet check."

"Okay, next time, don't hide it."

I couldn't help but laugh. Edward was so adorable the way he didn't want to offend me, but I loved how comfortable he was to be able to tell me how he really felt. And he was absolutely right, my outfit was hideous. 'Librarian' was too nice of a description for what I was wearing, and for the first time since I was seven, I was actually appalled by my sense of style. I always bought clothes that were comfortable, functional, and covered as much of me as possible, but being with Edward changed me. He made me like my body, and I wanted to look good for him, so I did something I never expected to do, I went into my collection of Alice approved clothes.

For my first femininely stylish venture, I wanted to take it slow, just a little baby step, so I picked out a simple pencil skirt and cardigan combo. It was a good thing Alice insisted that kept my legs shaved. I got dressed in the new outfit, and as I shyly walked out of the room, Edward definitely looked like he approved of the change.

"Wow, you look amazing," he said, as if I were dressed for a ball or something. He kissed my lips and ran his hand up my bare leg, before pulling away. "Let's go get some food."

"Okay," I said uncomfortably. The skirt wasn't short, but I felt so vulnerable in it and I found myself having to force my legs forward. I wanted it, I wanted to be dressed like I belonged with someone as inhumanly beautiful as Edward, but it would take me a while before I felt at ease.

As we walked into the restaurant, I became slightly paranoid. It felt like everyone kept looking at me, as if they knew I wasn't supposed to be dressed like that. I felt like a drag queen on my first outing as a cross dresser, but then Edward put his hand on the small of my back and led me to our table.

Everything changed with his touch. I relaxed, and suddenly felt a burst of confidence. I had seen other men lead their girlfriends and wives in the way Edward was leading me, and I always thought of it as such a simple yet affectionate gesture. It made me feel good, like as if Edward was almost proud to be with me. I felt like we were a real, normal couple, and I was so happy to be the one walking there with Edward.

We sat across from each other in a booth, and started looking at the menu.

"Hey, if it's not two of my most favorite people." I looked up to see Emmett standing there with Rose, and grinning widely, flashing his dimples.

"Emmett, is the police department not paying you enough so now you're forced to work as a waiter part time?" Edward joked.

"Yeah right," Emmett said and squeezed himself next to Edward on his bench seat. "We were out and about, doing wedding shopping crap, and decided to get some lunch."

"Why the hell are you sitting next to me?" Edward asked irritated. I scooted over so Rose could sit next to me, and then she proceeded to pull out a bridal magazine and show me everything she had already picked out. What a fucking nightmare.

"Babe, Bella doesn't want to see that shit. Not every chick is as into bridal magazines as you and Alice are," Emmett said annoyed. That's one of the things I loved about my brother, he wasn't shy about speaking his mind, I only was embarrassed that my lack of interest in the magazine was that apparent.

"Well Bella has to be interested in it, because she's going to be one of my bridesmaids," Rose said unexpectedly. Shit!

"Uh…" I said, not sure how to respond.

"I know we're not the best of friends, but please say you'll be in our wedding. All my other friends are being bitches and have all backed out."

"That's 'cuz you're bridezilla," Edward said under his breath. Emmett then elbowed him in the ribs, and Edward retaliated by shoving him off of the bench. Em collected himself, and then he sat back down casually, and slyly licked his finger before shoving it into Edward's ear.

Watching their very brotherly interaction was actually emotionally draining for me. I was happy that they had each other in that way, but I couldn't help but feel jealous. Although I was on cloud nine from the recent turn in my and Edward's relationship, a part of me would always miss the role I could never have again in Edward's and Emmett's lives. Emmett was my brother, and we used to play around the way he was with Edward, and I realized then that Emmett had also taken my role as Edward's best friend. They weren't as close as I was with them, but I still wished there was a way I could still be in their lives in that way, and keep my current relationship with Edward at the same time. I wanted both lives, and I hated that I could never have it.

"So are you two fucking yet?" Emmett said abruptly, which took me off guard and I actually felt my face get hot from embarrassment.

"How the hell is that any of your business?" Edward said defensively.

"Ah, you two are fucking. You owe me a hundred bucks man."

"You bet on whether or not we were going to sleep together?" I asked as my embarrassment washed away and was replaced by anger.

"No, he bet, I didn't agree to anything," Edward said quickly.

"Don't be sour because you lost," Emmett said while throwing his arm over Edward's shoulder.

"Get the fuck off me," Edward grumbled and pushed off Emmett's arm.

"Emmett, how the hell do you think Bella feels about you betting on her like that?" Rose defended me.

"Ah shit, I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean any disrespect. I just figured that since you were living together that it was just a matter of time. I mean, you are like his wet dream come true."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Edward asked frustrated.

"Oh come on, the chick is a female version of Ben, why wouldn't you want to bone her?"

I felt…like I was going to be sick.

"Man, shut the hell up, you have no idea what you're even talking about."

"Right, like you and my little brother didn't have a little love thing going on."

Edward's jaw clinched and I could see him squeeze his hand into a tight fist. Emmett was clearly joking, but he obviously had no idea what happened between Edward and Ben, so he would never think that his comment would upset him in that way. But I knew what happened, and I knew in that moment that Edward was still not completely over it. If he was still that angry over a little peck from Ben as a teenager, how irate would he be when he found out that he had been having sex with Ben repeatedly over the past couple of days? Alice was right, he was going to hate me no matter how much time passed, and I was absolutely terrified to lose him again. What the hell did I do?

"Isabella, will you please switch seats with Emmett before I stab him with my fucking fork?" Edward asked me unexpectedly. I thought he was too pissed to speak, but he seemed to be regaining control of his anger, which is something that he was never able to do as a kid.

"Ah, you know I love you kid," Emmett said and then did the unthinkable. He grabbed Edward's face, and kissed him on the cheek before getting up to trade seats with me. I thought Edward was going to explode, but the teasing kiss didn't seem to affect him whatsoever.

Edward just wiped his face and acted like nothing happened.

When I sat next to Edward, he seemed to be completely relaxed again. He put his hand on my bare knee, and though I was slightly uncomfortable with the public display of affection at first, I soon didn't care anymore. His warm hand on my leg felt so good that I didn't care if anyone saw, which they probably didn't because it was under the table.

"Why the hell do you still call her Isabella?" Emmett asked after getting settled next to his fiancée.

"Uh, that's her name," Edward said slowly.

"Oh, I get it." Emmett said with a smile and a nod, which only confused me. I had no idea why Edward refused to call me Bella, but Emmett seemed to understand all of a sudden, and his knowledge just made me feel jealous all over again. I used to know Edward better than anyone, but the closer we became romantically, the more I was discovering that I hardly knew him at all anymore. Emmett knew him better than anyone now, and I hated how that made me feel.

Our food came, and we all ate while listening to every aspect that Rose had already planned for their wedding. Although I wasn't at all interested in those types of details, I was actually so grateful to know about anything to do with such an important event in my brother's life, because I never thought I'd get to know anything about him again. Edward's hand never left my leg, and over the course of the meal, I somehow managed to move even closer to him so that our shoulders were resting against each other.

"So Bella, you never answered me about being a bridesmaid," Rose reminded me as we were waiting for the bill. Shit.

"Oh…well…" I had no idea what to say. It was my brother's wedding and I really wanted to be there, but Charlie was sure to come, and there was no way I'd be able to pass as Ben's sister to him. "I have to fly to Jacksonville that weekend."

"Alice told me about that, but I told her that whatever you were doing there couldn't be as important as my wedding. I mean come on, Emmett is your brother's brother, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

I glanced at Emmett and he returned my look, and his serious face broke in a huge smile. I tuned to look at Edward, but the waiter handed him the bill so he was getting out his wallet and not paying attention to me.

"Please Bella, I need you there."

"O…Okay," I said against my will. I had no idea how the words came out of my mouth, but I immediately regretted them. I trusted Alice would know what to do, and since Rose was her best friend, I decided to just relax for the moment and let my sister help me get out of it later.

"Great, I already have your dress ordered, so this Saturday I'll need you to come with me to the store for a fitting."

Shit.

"Thanks for lunch Eddie," Emmett said and then he stood and clapped Edward on the back.

"Yeah, I'm still waiting for it to be your turn to pay," Edward said sarcastically.

"Oh yeah, next time."

"Right, you say that every time," Edward said as they walked away. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah," I said and then scooted out of the booth.

"Where to now?" he asked while leading me out of the restaurant.

"Uh…I think we should go back to the condo." I kept wrestling within myself on whether or not to tell him, and when the best time would be, but I was just so scared of losing him that every time I finally decided to go through with it, I completely chickened out.

I intended to tell him when we got back to the condo, but he pretty much attacked me when the door was shut behind us. He planted his lips to mine and lifted me up to carry me to the bedroom. I had to admit, the fact that he could pick me up like I weighed nothing was a definite turn on. He was always so skinny before that there was no way he could have lifted anyone. What a difference a few years makes.

I somehow managed to get his shirt off on our way to the room, and the rest of our clothes quickly followed. Before I knew it, I was lying naked on the bed in front of him and wondering how I ever lived without his touch. He kissed my knee and then left a trail of kisses up my leg and inner thigh, and continuing until his mouth was at my core.

As his tongue dipped between my sensitive folds, I vaguely wondered how we got there. I spent my entire childhood hiding my body from everyone, but especially from him. We were so close and when we used to sleep next to each other, I was always so worried that he'd accidentally rub against me and know what I was concealing under my clothes. I had always kept myself so covered, and there I was, completely exposed with Edward's head between my legs.

My muscles tightened, and I could feel that now familiar rush of heat, so Edward moved up my body and pushed himself into me. I ran my hands down his back as he pumped and I couldn't hold on anymore. I was still new to the orgasm thing so I didn't ever last long, especially when he went down on me beforehand. He seemed to know when I was about to climax, because he always either slowed down to try to make it last longer, or he sped up to reach his own release with me. I was sure he must have realized how inexperienced I was, but he never commented on it, and I was glad because I definitely didn't want to explain why I was so new to sex.

If I could find a way to live with him inside of me permanently, I would have. I hated when he pulled out, but I hated the rush of guilt I felt afterwards even more. Being dishonest in that way almost felt like cheating, as if my lie was betraying him in the worst possible way. Alice once cheated on a boyfriend before she met Jasper. She said it wasn't planned and felt so good at the time, but it left her feeling shameful and dirty when it was over. She never cheated on anyone again, but I couldn't stop myself from repeating my offense over and over again. I needed to tell him the truth, but after only a few days of being intimate with him, I already couldn't imagine not having him in that way. It was just too much to lose, and I was a fucking coward.

"Do you need to call your work or anything?" he asked as we came down from our high.

"I guess I should. It's probably not very professional of me to just not show up for three days without calling."

He laughed once. "Yeah probably not. I have to check in to work too, so we should probably both get to that quickly so we can rush back to bed."

"Were you this horny with all your sexual partners?" I asked teasingly.

"No, but none were as sexy as you," he said and then kissed my neck before slipping his boxers on.

"Yeah, I'm sure none of you girlfriends had such large boobs as mine too," I said mockingly. I was always grateful that my breasts were on the smaller side because the bigger ones just seemed to get in the way, but since my sexual awakening, I wished I had larger ones. I knew men preferred them bigger, so I was feeling slightly inadequate.

I was still sitting on the bed naked, and Edward must have heard the slight bitterness to my words, so he came back over to me and grabbed my breasts in each hand. "I love your breasts, they're absolutely perfect," he said, and then kissed each one before backing off the bed and pulling his a shirt over his head. I couldn't help but smile, it didn't matter how I was shaped, Edward made me feel sexy, which wasn't an easy thing to do.

"Is someone at the door?" I asked.

Edward froze and listened carefully, and then we both heard very distinct knocking.

"I'll get it," he said and ran down the hall.

"Edward, your pants!" I called after him because he was still in his boxers, but he didn't seem to care.

"What the hell did you do to my sister?" Alice's voice echoed down the hall….SHIT!

I threw on the first thing I could find, which was one of Edward's shirts lying on the ground, and thankfully it was way too big for me, then I ran to the living room.

"Where is she?" Alice demanded.

"I really don't know what the hell you're talking about," Edward said as I finally ran into view.

"Bella, thank god," Alice said relieved when she saw me. "Where the hell have you been? You said you were going to call when you were ready to…" she paused to take in my clothes, and then she looked at Edward. "Oh please tell me you didn't."

"Hey, you were the one who predicted it," I said defensively.

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Edward asked frustrated. "And why did you call her you sister?" he asked Alice.

Fuck.

I knew I needed to tell him the truth, but I wasn't prepared for it to come out like that. I wasn't ready to give him up yet, but thankfully Alice didn't miss a beat.

"Because that's what she is, and I'd call Rose my sister too. Bella and I have been through hell together and I love her just as much as any sister, and if you hurt her, I swear, you'll have to answer to me." The statement was actually almost funny because she was being so tough, but she was so small that she had to look way up to see into Edward's eyes.

"Why the hell do you keep thinking I'm going to hurt her?" Edward asked her frustrated.

"Because I know you better than you think I do, and I know the kind of shit…"

"Alice, enough!" I said angrily. I loved my sister, but she needed to stop because she was way out of line. Yes, Edward did some mean things to me following that kiss, but I never blamed him and the fact that Alice wouldn't let it go was driving me insane. I knew exactly what I was risking by having a relationship with Edward, and I didn't need her getting pissed at something he hasn't even done yet. Of course he was upset when I kissed him back then, and I fully expected him to hate me when I finally got the nerve to tell him the truth, but I certainly didn't need Alice telling him or fighting my battles for me.

"I'm just worried about you," she said sincerely.

"I know, but I'm fine and I can take care of myself," I insisted.

"Bella…"

"Please, just let me live my own life." I begged her, so she huffed and nodded.

"Ok. Sorry," she said quietly, and then turned to leave. "By the way, I was going to offer my help with getting you out of a certain upcoming event, but I'll just leave you to do that on your own as well."

"No, Alice, I do need your help on that."

She turned back towards me. "No, you're right, you can take care of yourself, and I'm sure you'll think of something. I'm assuming you're not moving into my place anymore, right?" She smiled then kissed me on the cheek before leaving, not even waiting for a response.

Edward was quiet for a minute, but then he took a deep breath. "What the hell was that all about?"

Tell him Bella!- My subconscious was screaming at me, but my heart started literally aching from the thought, so I told my subconscious to go to hell.

"Alice is just…unique. People who don't know her very well pretty much thinks she's strange. But she means well."

"I'm really getting the feeling that she absolutely hates me, but I have no idea why."

"It's not you, it's me. I had a…negative experience with a guy before and she just automatically thinks that it's going to happen again."

"Look, I don't believe in forever, but I promise you that the last thing I want to do is hurt you. And right now, there is nowhere else I'd rather be than right here with you."

I bit my bottom lip, and smiled. "I can think of a place you'd rather be," I said seductively. At least I think it was seductive, I wouldn't really know.

He flashed me the most breathtakingly crooked smile, and then he scooped me up and ran us back to the bedroom.